The Delinquent Runs Late
Two months had passed since I pressed my thumbprint onto that damned contract, and the academy's entrance ceremony was already tomorrow.
‘...Come to think of it, how old am I right now?’
Thirty-six years in my previous life, twenty-three in this one. That brought the grand total to fifty-nine. At that age, an ordinary man ought to be easing into a comfortable retirement—sitting back in the cozy inner room like a contented patriarch, chuckling as he watched his grown children bust their backs in their prime, doting on playful grandkids, and sneaking them treats behind his daughter-in-law's back.
Instead, here I was, staring down the barrel of putting on a school uniform, sitting behind a wooden desk, and listening to lectures—not to mention playing wet nurse to a bunch of arrogant royal brats and moonlighting as an investigator. The sheer absurdity of my life had me tossing and turning in bed, utterly sleepless, when—
Thump, thump, thump!
Someone hammered on the front door.
Who in their right mind would come knocking at this ungodly hour? Even if it sat near the forest's edge, this was still a secluded cabin in the middle of nowhere.
Thump, thump, thump!
The pounding rattled the doorframe again.
‘Remnants of the Allied Forces?’
I couldn't think of a single soul other than those suicidal bastards who would go out of their way to hunt me down.
I was already sick to death over having to report to the academy tomorrow, and now some unwelcome pests were deliberately dredging up memories I’d rather keep buried six feet under. My mood plunged into the abyss.
With the noble intention of severing their worthless heads and arranging them into a picturesque guillotine display, I reached over and gently took hold of my beloved Ono-chan, resting right beside my pillow.
You bloodsucking summer mosquitoes, prepare to become holy sacrifices for my sweet Ono-chan!
I sharpened my senses, letting the cold instincts of the battlefield flare to life, when—
"Uwaaagh! Kyle, it’s me, Alphus! Please, open the door!"
The familiar name and blubbering voice instantly punctured my battle aura. All the tension drained from my muscles in an instant, leaving behind a hollow wave of sheer exhaustion.
Wondering what ridiculous mess this idiot had gotten himself into this time, I clicked my tongue. Still, since he was one of the very few people in this world Kyle could call a close friend, I swung the door open.
Creeeak.
Standing on the threshold was a tall, dashing man with hair and eyes the shade of a deep sea—possessing the kind of handsome face that had undoubtedly broken more than a few noble ladies' hearts. But in comical contrast to his blessed genetics, one of his eyes was swollen and bruised a violent shade of purple, and he was coated in grime from head to toe, as if he’d been chased down a mountainside and rolled through a ditch.
Worse yet, he was shivering like an abandoned kitten shivering in the cold.
Judging purely by his pathetic posture and cowardly whimpering, you’d mistake him for the useless, disgraced third son of some backwater barony. But contrary to appearances, this man was the second son of Duke Crestwave, Sovereign of the Western Sea—one of the empire's handful of founding pillars. On top of that, he was an elite combatant capable of serving alongside me in Apocalypse, boasting terrifying martial prowess.
"Wait... What brings you here at this hour, man? What about your wife?"
For the record, this guy was married. And it had been a genuine romance, too.
His wife was also a former member of Apocalypse. Their eyes had met amid the blood and carnage of the battlefield, sparks flew, and they ended up tying the knot. When I asked why a high-born noble blessed with monstrous talent and a gorgeous, capable wife had crawled all the way out to my dilapidated shack, he darted his eyes around nervously, let out a deep sigh, and confessed.
"Well... see, today was our wedding anniversary. But I kind of... forgot..."
Mm...
Just hearing those words radiated such an overwhelming aura of annoyance that I shut the door right in his face, turned around, and walked back to bed.
I had closed the door to preserve my peace of mind, but the bastard picked the lock within seconds, barged inside, and was now prostrated on the floorboards. He wept hysterically, wailing about why I locked him out, how deeply wounded his heart was, and asking if our brotherhood was really only worth this much.
Watching him cry made me speechless at first, but my disbelief soon morphed into burning irritation.
Between my past life and this one, I’d spent fifty-nine straight years breaking my back just to earn a living, never once getting to date—a lifelong virgin whose hard-earned retirement had just been ripped away, now doomed to wipe royal noses at an academy tomorrow. Meanwhile, this bastard was born with a diamond spoon in his mouth, had an intoxicating wife and precious kids by age twenty-eight, and was now weeping on my floor because he was too chicken to take a well-deserved beating.
‘Hmm... Now I'm genuinely pissed off.’
The only way my mood was going to improve tonight was by screwing this guy over as hard as humanly possible.
First step: get him completely blacked out so he can't flee before his wife tracks him down.
Stop crying, man, and tell me why you forgot.
"You are so screwed."
"Huh? Kyle, what did you just say?"
Whoops. My internal thoughts slipped straight through my vocal cords.
"I said, I’ve got that high-end liquor you love, so let’s knock back a few drinks while you tell me what happened."
"Uwaaagh! I knew it! Kyle, you're the only real brother I have!"
Alphus lunged forward in tears, attempting to wrap his arms around me.
"Hey, back off! Don't cling to me, it's disgusting!"
Shoving him away, the corner of my lips curled upward as I casually pulled out my communicator and sent a message to his wife.
After tipping off his wife, I poured alcohol down Alphus's throat while nodding along to his pathetic grievances. Naturally, I drank right alongside him to pass the time. The bastard had the refined palate of a pampered noble, which forced me to crack open the top-shelf vintage in my cellar; sitting back without getting a taste of my own expensive liquor would've been an outright crime.
"S-So, like, I didn't... hic... forget on purpooose! It was 'cause of the border deployment... sob... I even bought a present 'cause I felt so bad, waaah!"
"Is that right? Man, your wife is too harsh. She should've at least heard your side before kicking you out."
"D-Don't you dare talk bad about my Sharlotte!"
For context, Charlotte was the wife in question, and 'Sharlotte' was his drunken attempt at an affectionate nickname.
"Ah, damn it... what an absolute pain in the ass..."
Three glasses of aged whiskey, and Alphus was already completely trashed.
‘For someone who claims to worship booze, his tolerance is absolute garbage. No wonder she eats him alive every single day.’
Staring at the living cautionary tale of the dangers of alcohol, I once again reaffirmed my sacred vow never to drink myself into a mindless dog that couldn't recognize its own parents, when—
Knock, knock, knock.
A familiar, terrifying aura announced itself alongside three polite raps on the cabin door.
Ah! My dopamine delivery has finally arrived!
The instant I heard the knocking, I leaped from my seat and hurried to the door.
"Huh? Kyllle, where're you goiiing?"
Look at him, blissfully oblivious to his impending doom, slurring in drunken confusion. Could there be a more pitiful creature in the known universe?
You ask if I'm the one who set him up?
Well, he shouldn't have disturbed my peace when I was already teetering on edge. Regardless, not my fault. Any objections mean I'm right by default. Case closed.
With the trembling excitement of a collector cracking open a five-thousand-dollar vintage booster pack, I pulled the door open—and sure enough, I hit the grand jackpot.
Standing on the doorstep was an enchanting noblewoman with lustrous violet hair and matching amethyst eyes. She was holding a heavy wooden club spattered with fresh crimson stains, smiling with utmost elegance. The second my eyes locked onto her, I plunged my head downward in a ninety-degree salute.
"Welcome, sister-in-law! You must have endured great hardship traveling all this way!"
"My, what hardship could there be? Have you been doing well, Kyle?"
"I've been in peak condition! Have you been staying peaceful and well?"
"Of course. What trouble could ever find me?"
I wholeheartedly agreed. For trouble to dare cross this woman, it would require three hundred knights from the Imperial Guard—where a single imperial knight possessed the martial might of ten count-tier house knights—swarming her all at once.
"I'd love nothing more than to catch up since it's been so long, but would you mind if I take our useless husband off your hands first?"
"Of course, sister-in-law! Please, step right inside! I've been taking meticulous care of him for you."
"Hohoho, however can I repay you, Kyle?"
"Hahaha! Please, what's a little courtesy between comrades?!"
Damn... Her laughter sounded refined and her mouth formed an impeccable smile, but her eyes were cold, lifeless voids. It scared the living daylights out of me.
A momentary prick of guilt for Alphus brushed past my conscience... only to evaporate into thin air, instantly replaced by morbid curiosity over how she was about to dismantle him. I eagerly led the way to the dining table. Still clutching his glass, the drunken Alphus picked up our footsteps and swung around.
"Kyle! Where'd you gooo?! I was so lonely all by myself! More importantly... who's the chick with you?"
Watching her completely plastered husband fail to recognize her face, thick veins pulsed across Charlotte's temple. From the hand gripping the club came a terrifying creeeaaak that wood was never meant to produce.
"Mmhmm... So this is where you ran off to drink yourself stupid? Enough that you can't even tell who your own wife is?"
At the pure, concentrated bloodlust dripping from her voice, Alphus's survival instincts violently kicked in. His drunken eyes rolled toward her, locking onto the figure looming over his chair.
"Huh? Charlotte...? Why're you here?"
The instant his pickled brain processed her identity, all color vanished from his face. He flailed his hands, stammering out an excuse with a trembling jaw.
"Ch-Ch-Charlotte, wait, calm down and just hear me out—"
"Save your excuses for later. First, take your medicine."
"W-W-Wait—!"
CRACK!!
Without a shred of mercy, Charlotte unleashed a picture-perfect, full-power swing with the club. It was a swing of such peerless beauty that had Major League scouts witnessed it, they would have broken into a standing ovation and begged her to take the first-round draft pick.
Caught dead-center by the strike, Alphus soared gracefully through the cabin air like a majestic bird before—
CRUNCH!!!
He embedded headfirst into the timber wall, hanging limp and thoroughly knocked out cold.
‘Ah... my wall...’
My pursuit of a quick dopamine fix had just resulted in real-time property damage. Forget dopamine—my stress levels exploded through the roof.
"Oh my... I'm so sorry, Kyle. It's been a while since I had to discipline him, so my grip slipped a little... Here, take this."
As I stood there gaping at the crater in my wall, Charlotte dragged the unconscious Alphus across the floor by one ankle with a single hand, strode over, and pressed a heavy leather pouch into my palm.
I took it and peeked inside.
"It's only about a hundred gold coins, but that should be more than enough to patch up the wall. Use whatever remains to treat yourself to a nice meal."
My head immediately plunged downward in another immaculate ninety-degree bow.
"Aigoo! It was just a scratch, you really shouldn't have troubled yourself with such generosity, sister-in-law! Even so, thank you from the bottom of my heart! My eternal loyalty belongs to you!"
"Hearing you say that puts my heart at ease..."
With perks like this, how could I not swear fealty?
Compared to a pathetic hyung who ran to my house to cry like a baby whenever he lost a fight at home, a stunning noona who showered me with gold was absolute divinity. Pledging unquestioned loyalty to her was basic survival sense.
And no, I wasn't just rationalizing to soothe my guilty conscience after watching my comrade get smashed through a wall. Not at all.
At any rate, the domestic dispute came to a tidy conclusion.
"Let's share a drink together next time, Kyle."
"Aigoo, the moment you call, I'll come running like a loyal hound!"
"Hahaha, you always have such a charming way with words. Well, it's late, so I'll take my leave~"
"Safe travels, sister-in-law! I eagerly await the day of our next meeting!"
Dragging the limp heap of meat that was Alphus with one hand while effortlessly resting the bloody club over her opposite shoulder, she strode proudly into the darkness.
Now that was what they called an alpha woman.
...Right?
Whatever. My pockets were heavy with gold, my mood had recovered, and a few more drinks sounded like the perfect way to cap off the night.
Sure, the academy entrance ceremony was tomorrow morning, but what were the odds I'd actually oversleep?
"If I don't celebrate on a night like this, when will I?!"
Clutching the pouch of gold, I kicked open the doors of the nearest tavern in town.
"Barkeep! Bring out every single barrel of booze you've got in this joint!"
And I proceeded to drink like a complete, unhinged degenerate.
Beep-beep-beep! Beep-beep-beep!
"Ugh... Ahh, my skull..."
I rubbed my swollen eyelids and groaned against the shrill, persistent ringing of an alarm.
"Ugh... how much did I put away last night?"
"I remember finishing off an entire wooden keg of ale, but after that..."
As I racked my throbbing brain, desperately trying to piece together the shattered fragments of my memory—
Sniff, sniff.
"Urgh!! What in the hell is that foul stench?! And where am I?"
Forced awake by the rancid odor, I surveyed my surroundings: a filthy, narrow back alley, a puddle of vomit of mysterious origin, and a massive trash bag lying directly beside me, looking suspiciously like I’d been spooning it for the past four hours.
Glancing down at my disheveled state, I looked so thoroughly degraded that if a local beggar strolled by, he’d probably offer me a high-five as a fellow brother of the gutter.
"Haaah... If I ever touch a drop of alcohol again, I'm a dog. A literal mangy mutt."
Spitting out a solemn vow I had zero intention of actually keeping, I cursed my past self as the noise from my coat continued to blare.
Beep-beep-beep!! Beep-beep-beep!!
Only now did I finally fish out the communication device that had been screaming its lungs out.
"Ugh... why is this damn thing so loud?"
Squinting through the hangover, I checked the display. Gerard’s name was flashing furiously across the screen.
Frowning in confusion, I connected the line. What blasted through the receiver wasn't his usual stiff, dignified demeanor, but the unhinged shrieking of a back-alley mob enforcer.
"What's your problem, calling first thing in the morning just to swear at me?"
At my lethargic, unbothered reply, Gerard’s temper shattered completely, his roar nearly blowing out the device's magical speaker.
"Ah... Ah!!!!!! FUCK!! THE ACADEMY!!!"
"N-No, wait, it’s not like that..."
Unlike my usual cocky attitude, knowing I was entirely at fault, I instantly shrank into a cowardly ball.
"N-No, please, anything but that!"
"Y-YESSIR!!!!"
Cold sweat rained down my back at the mention of a canceled retirement, a forty-billion penalty, and ten years in a labor camp. Still wearing the filthy, booze-soaked rags from last night's binge, I dug my heels into the earth and launched forward with everything I had.
CRACK!!
WHOOOOOSH!!!!
The alley's cobblestones disintegrated into dust beneath my boots from the sheer recoil of the takeoff, but with forty billion and a decade of forced labor breathing down my neck, absolutely nothing else in the world registered in my vision.