Chapter 7. No, it's not that different? (5)
By the way, I didn't know Chaeyi could make sounds like that.
I'd always thought she was a bit quiet and calm.
Resting my cheek against Soi's back, my head feeling a bit drowsy from the warmth, I was thinking this when I heard footsteps approaching us with confident, heavy thuds.
"What are you doing right now?"
Chaeyi asks.
I flinched a little, wondering if she was asking me, but thankfully Soi answered before I had to.
"Just playing around."
"Playing around? You call that playing around?"
"Yeah."
I heard Soi's nonchalant voice, followed by the sound of Chaeyi taking a sharp breath.
It sounded like she was about to yell, but she quickly shut her mouth, looking like she was deep in thought.
"......Lua-ya."
"Yeah."
I answered to Chaeyi's voice.
"Are you okay? Isn't it uncomfortable?"
Is it uncomfortable?
Hmm, if I had to choose between comfortable or uncomfortable, it's uncomfortable. I mean, obviously, because someone who's about the same weight as me, or maybe even heavier, is sitting on my lap.
Wouldn't the blood flow to my thighs get cut off if she stays up there too long? Actually, my legs are starting to feel a bit numb.
But if you ask me if I'm okay, honestly, I am.
I usually spend my time hugging dolls.
It wasn't a habit I had in my past life, but after carrying around a big doll I received in my childhood in this life, I realized it feels good to have something in my arms.
Especially the fluffier, softer, and warmer it is, the better. It's great for resting my chin on or leaning my body against.
Soi right now, even though she's much heavier than a doll, is soft and warm. Plus, she holds up firmly even when I lean on her like this, so if you ask me if I'm okay, of course I am.
"......."
Wait, am I actually okay? Is it okay for me to say I'm okay? I mean, I'm holding Soi in my arms, aren't I?
Besides, don't I normally have trauma with this kind of thing? Like when I was held in Dohyun-ajusshi's arms, my body would stiffen up. Even when it wasn't Dohyun-ajusshi, I showed signs of it. I'd get nervous for no reason even when Yujin-ajumma hugged me.
But...... it's okay if I'm the one doing the hugging instead of being hugged? Is that how trauma is supposed to work?
Or is it okay because it's Soi?
"Lua-ya?"
"......I-I'm okay."
In the end, that was the only answer I could give.
I really was okay. My body didn't stiffen up for no reason, I didn't tremble, and memories from the past didn't surface.
Rather, having something wrapped in my arms like this feels like I'm clinging to a being that's properly supporting me.
It's somewhat comforting, too.......
.......
Hmm, for the first time in a while, I'm starting to think I might be a hopeless case.
No, seriously, there's no difference. Isn't hugging and being hugged just a difference in direction?
"......Is that so?"
I felt something sharp in Chaeyi's voice and shivered slightly.
"Hey. You're scaring Lua."
Soi's voice also became sharp in response. My cheek tickled slightly from the vibrations felt through her back.
"Ah, yeah. Sorry."
Chaeyi's voice returned to normal.
"......."
And what lingered around us was silence.
I've had my eyes closed for a while now, but honestly, I'm scared to open them at this point. It feels like I can see everyone looking this way even without opening my eyes.
"......Soi, now......."
Feeling a bit embarrassed, I carefully let go.
Soi lingered for a bit as if she found it a shame, then finally got up from her seat.
The spot where Soi had been suddenly felt incredibly empty. Blood started flowing back into my slightly numb legs, giving a cool, tingling sensation, and the air hit the parts where Soi's legs and back had been touching, making them feel a bit cold.
I shivered and carefully opened my eyes.
The kids were looking this way.
But the emotion in their gazes wasn't the fear-mixed emotion they had when looking at me before.
It was a look that seemed to ask what kind of situation this was.
Wait, you guys did this sometimes too, didn't you? You didn't just have one person up there; you'd even pile up two or three people.
Of course, that was in a playful atmosphere.
It wasn't really an atmosphere where they were fighting over who would get on top first.
No, that sounds weird when I say it like that.
"......So, can I ask how you ended up doing that?"
Chaeyi asked Soi.
Soi thought for a moment, then let out a deep sigh.
Then she went to the back of the classroom and gestured to Chaeyi.
Is it a story I'm not allowed to hear?
The two of them whispered something, then soon turned their heads to look at me.
Chaeyi's expression is subtle.
Seriously, what on earth did they talk about?
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"So, it's because of Lua's trauma?"
"Yeah. You know it too, right? That Lua doesn't really like being hugged by people."
Of course, not liking it and not being able to do it are different.
Since Lua has never talked about it directly, I don't know if she likes it but can't do it, or if she just doesn't like it.
But I know that, for now, it's best not to do it.
"Think about it. What kind of action clearly shows that friends are close?"
"......Walking around holding hands?"
"We hold hands all the time. To other kids, that's just normal."
"......So you're saying we have to hug?"
"If we can't hug her from this side, isn't there only one way left?"
That was it.
It was a simple logic.
The act of people hugging each other seems at first glance to be an equal act. You could say it actually is. It's an act that can't happen in the first place without mutual consent, and if you're facing each other, you can't tell who has the upper hand.
But as you can tell from the existence of the passive form 'to be hugged', there are also 'states where that isn't possible'.
Just like Soi was.
"......."
Chaeyi fell into thought for a moment.
And nodded.
"I see."
"Do you get it now?"
Soi said, lifting her nose slightly at Chaeyi's words.
A strange sense of relief and superiority welled up inside Soi's chest.
Because Soi was the one who thought of it first, and Soi was the first one to be hugged like that.
Before Chaeyi.
Sparks flew in Chaeyi's eyes as she looked at Soi's face.
"So, it just means I have to be the one to be hugged, right?"
And Chaeyi turned her body.
Thud, thud.
Receiving everyone's gaze, her pink hair swayed.
Step.
Chaeyi, standing face-to-face with Lua, who had frozen with a nervous expression, took a moment to catch her breath.
So, I just have to be hugged, right?
She organized her thoughts like that.
Actually, Soi didn't know this well.
If approaching it with the concept of 'being hugged', Chaeyi already had some experience.
Back in the very, very early days, a time I can barely remember now. Chaeyi had already been hugged by Lua many times.
Back then, there was a bit of a height difference between Lua and Chaeyi, too.
"Uh, hey, Chaeyi?"
Lua asked, a bit nervous.
Chaeyi didn't even answer Lua—
Thump.
She abruptly knelt down.
"Uh, Chaeyi!?"
Lua's butt jumped up from the chair at the sudden action, but before she could fully stand up, she plopped back down.
Because there was a being that had collapsed onto Lua's body.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaah!?"
Soi's scream dragged on long.
"Heh!?"
Lua screamed a bit late.
Her soft body trembled and twitched.
A bit late, Chaeyi realized that Lua's body in front of her face was exceptionally softer than other parts.
And that it was more raised than other parts, too.
Ah.
Chaeyi's ears turned bright red.
But she didn't bother pulling her face back. Because this sensation was too good.
Twitch, twitch.
Lua's body twitched, and her fingers trembled.
As if she didn't know what to do in this situation.
Then, slowly. As if she realized a bit late what Chaeyi wanted.
Those two hands headed toward the back of Chaeyi's head.
And carefully wrapped around it.
She could have squeezed a bit tighter, but being awkward and cautious in many ways was exactly like Lua's personality.
......No, maybe not exactly.
Because the Lua of that childhood was much more confident than she is now.
Could she return to the Lua of those days?
A Lua who was full of confidence and believed she could do anything with her own power.
Even if she can't go back, I think it's fine because Lua is Lua.
......Because living in fear forever is too much.
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Uh, um, excuse me?
I looked down at Chaeyi, who had buried her face in my arms, and froze, unable to do anything.
Wait, so, is this that?
Since you know I can't be hugged, you're asking me to hug you instead?
Is it really okay like that? What's the difference between being hugged and hugging? There's no difference, right?
......No.
Something, it was different.
Even now, I was so nervous that my body was trembling and my heart was beating like crazy, but I wasn't terrified.
Whether it was really because the form of the act was different, or because my mindset was different. Or maybe I was just so flustered that I didn't know what was what, and I didn't even know if I was scared.
But, even in the midst of that, there was one thing I knew.
If I didn't hug Chaeyi, she probably wouldn't move from my arms.
"......."
I carefully moved my hands and wrapped them around her head.
Chaeyi's hair is soft. Naturally, it was a completely different sensation from touching my own hair, so I could stroke it gently.
And for sure, hugging someone was a slightly different sensation from being hugged.
That, um, I couldn't really explain how it was different, though.
"......."
Hmm.
Soi's gaze is stinging.
I, who had given Chaeyi's head a firm hug, carefully let go.
Chaeyi's head came up towards me, pouring out a gaze that seemed to want something more, but.
"U-um, lunch time is almost over, so......."
I had no choice but to quickly turn my gaze elsewhere with such a lame excuse.