Chapter 80: The Sin of Being Handsome.
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 80: The Sin of Being Handsome.
People were whispering, looking our way.
But that wasn't the problem.
The important thing was that my girlfriend had started to sob her heart out.
Stunned by her sudden behavior, I quickly grabbed her hand.
“Doah.”
“Let gooo... sob...”
Doah, sniffling like a small child.
I wondered if I should press the issue here, but conscious of the people around us, I got up from my chair, moved next to her, and leaned down.
“Should we go outside and talk? Get some fresh air?”
“But... it's fucking... cold outside... hic....”
Ah... right... it is cold...
I'd only said it in a hurry, but even I knew it was a bad move.
“Then... how about we talk at home...? Is that a bad idea...?”
Gently stroking her shoulder, I managed to get her to stand. I quickly returned our tray to the counter and led her outside.
“It's cold...”
I hesitated.
Taking off my coat for her here would be insane.
It wasn't below freezing, but the temperature was close to zero degrees Celsius.
All I had on underneath was a thin long-sleeved shirt. I had to make a decision.
Ah, shit. Whatever.
- Swoosh
I slipped off my coat and wrapped it around Doah's shoulders.
It was a pretty long coat, so she looked like a little kid wearing her dad's clothes.
“...Oppa?”
She'd stopped crying and looked up at me with bloodshot eyes.
“Not cold anymore, right?”
It had only been a moment since I'd taken it off, but I could already feel my body shivering.
“No. Isn't that too thin for you?”
At her worried words, I tried my best to act unfazed and placed a hand on her head.
“No, I'm fine.”
“No, you're not. I'm okay, really. You should wear it again.”
As she fumbled to take it off and hand it back, I gritted my teeth and stopped her tiny hands.
“Just wear it.”
I said it as forcefully as I could, and Doah nodded. We started up the hill toward home.
Ah. But I really couldn't stand it.
“Sorry, but can we walk a little faster?”
I was keenly reminded that not just anyone can pull off looking cool.
The two of us made it home safely.
I could feel my frozen body slowly thawing, but the same couldn't be said for our relationship.
Doah sat on the bed, her face sullen.
I sat perched on the computer chair, facing her.
A heavy silence settled over the room, leaving no space for the atmosphere to warm up.
“So.”
I voiced what I thought was the reason she was upset.
“Are you upset that I keep talking about Luka?”
Nod, nod.
Her small nod told me my guess was right.
I'd figured out the reason, but understanding it was another matter.
We had to find some common ground.
“Why does it bother you?”
Was it really so heartbreaking for her to hear me say that Luka's song was so good and made me so happy?
I thought it was something we could celebrate together.
The CLOSER fans were showering it with praise, and the Pink Army goes without saying.
So I was sure that if I shared my excitement with Doah, she would be happy with me.
“...Because that's not me.”
Her voice trembled slightly.
Doah seemed to be overcome with emotion again, as her eyes started to well up with tears.
“You have no idea how you come across, do you, Oppa?”
“Sometimes... no, not just sometimes. Quite often, I get scared.”
“I get scared that you're not actually interested in Kim Doah, the person.”
Taking a short breath, she let out a stream of words thick with emotion.
“When we're on a date, most of what you talk about is Luka.”
“'Her last stream was like this,' 'her new avatar is like that,' 'she seems to have great chemistry with this person during collabs.'”
“If all your attention is always focused on that, then when...”
Doah's hands weakly gripped my knees.
“...when are you ever going to see the real me?”
From beneath her lowered head, silvery teardrops fell.
Watching this in silence, I closed my eyes.
“To you, I was probably...”
The words I could never bring myself to say because they were too cringey and embarrassing.
“...just some handsome upperclassman who happened to pass by.”
But it felt like the time had come to say them.
“But to me, Luka...”
“...was home.”
Seeing the incomprehension on Doah's face, I calmly explained why.
“You've probably noticed while spending time with me. That I don't have any friends.”
“I barely talked to anyone at school and always ate alone.”
“But you know how it is. A person can't live completely alone.”
“Being alone all the time is lonely and desolate.”
“But when I was at home, watching you...”
I reached out and wiped away her tear tracks.
“...I was genuinely okay.”
I wasn't lonely at all.
Every day was so much fun.
I was happy just laughing with the other Pink Army guys, making clips and messing around.
I never once envied the parties drenched in the smell of alcohol or the clubs thick with cigarette smoke.
“That's why I might have been a little... excessive.”
But that's no excuse for hurting you.
“I guess I talked about her so much because I like Luka so much. I'm sorry.”
Forcing a smile, I moved to sit next to her.
Hoping my explanation was enough for her to forgive me, I opened my arms. Doah silently opened hers and hugged me back.
“...I'm sorry.”
“No. Why are you apologizing?”
“No, really. I'm the one who's sorry.”
How long did we stay like that?
When I slowly loosened my arms and looked down at her, Doah met my gaze.
It feels wrong to say this, but her slightly swollen face and red-rimmed eyes from all the crying only made her look cuter.
“...Luka.”
Miss Luka, who, according to Doah, is not her.
“It's okay to talk about her. But...”
My girlfriend trailed off.
Honestly, I had been expecting a strict rule like, 'From now on, don't talk about Luka in front of me on our dates,' so this was a welcome development.
I didn't know what condition would follow, but I nodded for now.
“Just enough so I don't get jealous.”
Doah held out her pinky to me.
“Promise you'll talk more about me when we're together.”
She was making a pinky promise, but the content itself was kind of funny.
They're both you.
Why are you jealous of yourself?
“Okay, promise.”
I sealed it with my thumb, and only then did Doah let go of my hand.
I slid onto the bed, wrapped an arm around Doah's waist, and she leaned into me, seemingly not minding.
“There's something I've been curious about.”
“What is it?”
“I'm only asking because you brought it up yourself earlier.”
If she was curious about something, I wish she'd told me sooner.
Why had she been holding it in?
“Yeah?”
“When did you start having trouble getting along with other people?”
Hearing the question, I could understand why she'd hesitated.
She might have been worried about digging up someone's painful past.
And to some extent, that was true.
“...Middle school.”
“In middle school?”
“Yeah.”
“Why? Did something happen?”
“Something did.”
It's not like I've always had this aversion to my looks.
Of course, when I was a kid, I liked it when people called me cool. In elementary school, I even felt a little proud when I heard I'd won first place in a popularity poll.
“I had a friend I could truly call my best friend.”
“Yeah.”
“You know the type. The kind of friend you're attached at the hip with from kindergarten all through elementary school.”
“...It wasn't a girl, was it?”
Doah's eyebrows twitched nervously, and I quickly shook my head.
“No, it was a guy. His name was Park Jinho.”
“Anyway, what happened?”
“We went to the same middle school and got along fine. A little group even formed around me and Jinho.”
“But then puberty hit... and that 'something' between boys and girls started...”
It's a story that gives me a headache even now.
Haa... seriously...
Seeing Doah listening with her ears perked up, I had no choice but to continue.
“The girl Jinho liked confessed to me.”
They say first love is like a fever for a reason.
Jinho was desperately in love with her. He asked me for advice and tried to get closer to her.
But the result was a complete disaster.
I, who had tried to help Jinho, was branded a traitor who had seduced his friend's girl. And Jinho never forgave me.
Now that I'm an adult, I wonder if things really had to get so twisted.
But we were fifteen. Middle schoolers.
I think both Jinho and I were too young to know any better.
“So what happened?”
“Well... I got a lot of shit for it. A whole lot.”
I figured it was best to filter that part.
The reality was much crueler than that.
“But you didn't do anything wrong. You're saying that was your crime?”
To Doah, who was getting angry as if it had happened to her, there was only one thing I could say.
A single, incredibly smug remark.
“Oh, there was. Of course there was.”
“The sin of being handsome.”