Chapter 145: What I Couldn't Achieve.
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 145: What I Couldn't Achieve.
What I had to achieve.
What I couldn't achieve.
“Taemin-ssi. I spoke with the teacher, so you should be able to have your lesson until 10 tomorrow.”
“...Okay.”
“I think it would be best if you review the script and practice a bit today before coming in tomorrow.”
“...Okay. Thank you.”
“Well then, please be ready by 8. Don’t be late.”
After a half-hearted goodbye, I got out of the car. Instead of heading straight home, I looked up at the darkening night sky.
Maybe it was the smoggy air, but not a single star was visible.
“Haa...”
If I smoked, I could probably go through a whole pack right now.
It felt strange to go home empty-handed, so I walked back down toward the bus stop and bought two bottles of soju.
The bottles clinked together in time with my steps.
I should contact Doah...
Should I tell her I was tired and fell asleep?
I was in no state to hide my emotions today.
Just hearing her voice might have made me burst into tears.
It was hard.
It was just so damn hard.
The thought of quitting rose to the forefront of my mind, but my contract...
The contract, with only a few weeks left, was weighing me down, suffocating me.
Even if I told them I couldn't do it, it meant I had to endure for at least a few more weeks.
A sudden headache, as if someone were hammering my brain, washed over me, and I reached out to grab a nearby lamppost for support.
What the. What’s wrong with me?
My grip on the lamppost tightened.
It was hard to breathe, and my legs were trembling.
Only after the short burst of pain subsided and my breathing stabilized could I start walking up the hill again.
Seriously, now even my own body is giving me shit.
Are you pissed off because I flubbed my lines, too?
The director getting mad at me is more than enough.
Muttering frustrated complaints, I trudged weakly up the stairs.
I unlocked the door, went inside, and was taking off my shoes when my eyes widened at the sight of a pair that wasn't mine.
Did Doah... leave her shoes here...?
No? I’m pretty sure they weren't here when I left this morning.
“...Oppa.”
As I was putting the soju bottles on top of the fridge, I almost screamed at the presence I felt as soon as I stepped further inside.
“What... what is it? Doah. Why are you here?”
I’d given her the passcode, so I could understand how she got in, but I had no idea why she was here.
Instead of answering my question, Doah rushed into my arms and buried her face in my chest.
Did something bad... happen to her...?
I wasn't used to seeing her like this, but for now, I just stroked her hair.
“...Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
“...What about you, Oppa?”
“Huh?”
Out of nowhere, Doah was asking if I was okay.
“Are you okay, Oppa?”
She couldn't know.
There was no way she knew what my life was like outside of this apartment.
Hearing her meaningful question, I put on a fake smile, just like I'd learned in my acting classes.
“Ayy~ I did great today.”
I, who hadn't done a single thing right, shamelessly lied to her.
Doah lowered her head.
“...Doah?”
“Why do you keep lying?”
“Uh...?”
When she lifted her head again, tears like dewdrops were gathered in her eyes.
“Why are you ly-lying to me...”
Her words were slurred by her tears.
“No... When did I lie.”
“You got yelled at!”
I wasn't given a chance to finish.
A sharp voice cut me off.
“You got totally chewed out today! Oppa... but... why wouldn't you tell me...?”
A single, pearly tear traced a line down her cheek.
“Am I that... unreliable...? Can you not lean on me...?”
“No... Doah. It’s not like that...”
“Then why are you ly... lying to me...”
How did she know?
Could she have seen it?
If she did, what exactly did she see?
I was full of questions, but comforting her came first.
“If it’s that hard... you don’t have to do it... You can just go and tell them you can’t... you can do that...”
As if my acting skills were lacking even now, my own eyes started to well up with tears.
“I’m okay, Doah. Really. I messed up a bit today, but I’m not usually this bad, I swear.”
I bit my lip and forced a clumsy smile.
But her next words made me crumble.
Utterly and completely.
“You come home so late, and I’ve seen you practicing so, so hard every single day...”
Unable to finish her sentence, Doah broke down, sobbing sorrowfully in my arms.
Right.
Doah was the first person to be on my side today.
I’d been wondering why my chest felt so heavy. It was because I didn't have a single person on my side today.
Instead of trying to make excuses, I held her even tighter.
“Ugh... really... why are you living like this...”
“I’m sorry... I’m so sorry...”
It was a day full of wrongdoing. A day where I had nothing to do but apologize, both out in the world and here at home.
It took quite a while for my girlfriend’s tears to subside.
Contrary to the manager’s orders to practice, I hadn't even opened my bag.
Her face puffy from crying so much, Doah hugged my pillow tightly and glared at me.
“...Now tell me. Why did you lie?”
Why do you think? Because I’m your boyfriend.
Because it’s embarrassing.
How could I tell my girlfriend that the director threw a megaphone at me because I couldn't get my lines right?
How could I tell her that filming stopped for two hours while the staff sweated bullets trying to calm the director down?
“I only wanted to tell you good things.”
“...That’s not how it works between couples.”
“You said the same thing. That you only wanted to show me your pretty side.”
“That’s different...”
I handed a tissue to Doah, who was sniffling, and stroked her hair.
“A couple is supposed to talk to each other when things are tough...”
“But I... I just wanted to talk about good things when I came home. I really did.”
While you were telling me how your heart was bursting with excitement preparing for your solo concert, I thought telling you how wretched my day was, how badly I’d been broken, would be a terrible thing to do to both of us.
Even if I'd been rolling in the mud all day, I wanted to end it with a happy conversation with Doah.
Even if that was selfish of me.
And I didn't think that conclusion would change, even now.
“...Oppa.”
“Yeah.”
“Is acting fun?”
It was a fundamental question, but at this point, it didn't feel like a very productive one.
The film set wasn't a high school career counseling session.
The cameras and lights, the dozens of people moving under the banner of capital—it was a living, breathing reality.
“It’s not bad, but I don’t think I’m very good at it.”
Still, I tried to answer her honestly.
“Then quit.”
“...Doah.”
“You know I'm not the type to boss you around, telling you to do this or don't do that.”
Doah bit her lip slightly.
She reached out and took my hand.
The warmth of her fingertips felt less warm and more scorching hot.
“I’ll think about it.”
That was the best answer I could give right now.
I had already been paid my due. I couldn't just quit on the spot.
“Why!”
Finding my reasoning unacceptable, she pressed me fiercely.
And there was still a part of me that thought maybe it would be okay to try a little longer.
Maybe it was all because I hadn't practiced enough.
Maybe it was just because I hadn't tried hard enough.
“You can just quit and be happy watching your favorite streamer, Luka!”
I would be happy, of course.
There was no greater happiness for me than that.
But if I did that, I’d go back to being someone who could do nothing for you.
Beyond just the concert, my dream of standing shoulder-to-shoulder with Luka was scattering into an illusion.
I closed my eyes, sighed, and buried my face in the nape of Doah's neck.
“...I love you.”
“Are you trying to get out of this by saying that?”
She might have thought I was trying to gloss things over with a simple phrase, but she was wrong.
“No. I really, truly love you, Doah.”
A feeling too big to be contained in mere words overflowed from my heart.
Instead of the answer she wanted, Doah got a confession of love.
Her small hand began to stroke my head.
“I really love you, too.”
As if those words weren't enough, Doah leaned in and whispered in my ear.
“So let’s be happy.”
The word ‘happy’ made my eyes well up with tears again.
“Let’s live well, okay?”
We lay side-by-side on the bed.
Exhausted from crying, Doah fell asleep quickly.
But I still had to live through tomorrow.
I quietly unzipped my bag and took out the script.
I couldn't speak loudly, but just enough to memorize the lines.
With my back to the sleeping Doah, I sat at my computer and unlocked my phone to check the notification I’d missed.
What’s this? I shouldn't have anything at this hour.
[There is a night shoot on 03/05.]
At the plain message, devoid of a single emoji, my world crumbled once again.