Chapter 85
Harabana's meat was, as expected, fantastically delicious. Thanks to Rainer packing camping gear and even spices in his sub-space pouch, I got to enjoy a proper meal.
Rainer seems like he'd be good at housework too.
I tried to help with cleanup but got firmly turned down, so I wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and sat by the campfire, watching him tidy up. After washing me off, he'd clearly cleaned himself too—fresh wounds dotted his pristine skin.
I should have protected him more.
I gazed sadly at the long gash on his muscled forearm, exposed by his rolled-up shirtsleeve. Sensing my stare, Rainer tugged the sleeve down to cover it.
"Are you alright, my lady? Does anything hurt?"
"You were just providing support while I faced Harabana head-on. I'm perfectly fine."
There was a sharp edge to Rainer's voice. He seemed dissatisfied that he was unscathed while I was hurt.
I rolled my eyes skyward and mumbled while gauging his mood.
"Well... we both survived, didn't we? I'm glad we discovered how well we synergize this time."
Training with Rainer was always one-sided, with him just assisting me, so we'd never had a chance to sync up like this. But in that fight, we learned our movements complemented each other perfectly—a swordsman's delight.
It was ideal.
I'd lead from both sides to corner the enemy; he'd open the path, and I'd land the decisive blow. His straightforward, heavy strikes paired perfectly with my erratic, sharp ones.
"You've... gotten really strong."
I sat with my legs tucked under me and tilted my head sincerely. I wasn't exaggerating—Rainer was a genius by any measure; I was just the abnormal one.
How much effort did it take to train that once-weak body to this level?
Knowing his past, I understood his current strength wasn't handed to him.
Rainer finished tidying and plopped down across the fire from me. Shadows played across his stunning face.
"But I want to get even stronger."
"You're plenty strong already."
He looked at me. Even after sunset, his golden eyes still glowed with sunset hues. That upright soul of his always seemed to hold the sun—shining equally on everyone.
"Kashmir, I want to be as strong as you."
There it was again. I pressed my lips tight, stroked my chin, then spoke.
"What would you do if you got as strong as me? Fight me to win?"
Rainer let out a faint, deflated chuckle and shook his head.
"Of course not. I want to protect you."
I met his whisper—firm with resolve—with a steady gaze. Embers flickered softly in his unflinching eyes.
"I know. You don't need protecting from anyone, and you don't want it. I know, but I wanted to anyway. I wanted to be someone you could trust with your back. And... plainly, quietly."
He confessed like it was the simplest truth, then hesitated. His lips parted and closed; he looked down and shook his head.
"...Never mind. Better saved for later."
What? The most infuriating thing is stopping mid-sentence.
I stared at him in disbelief, and he gave a wry smile.
"Don't worry. I'll say it. Once I'm as strong as you, Kashmir, I'll tell you."
His mouth smiled, but his eyes burned fiercely. I blinked slowly, nodded, and replied.
"Whatever it is, I'll be looking forward to it."
I took in his smile, then voiced the question that popped up.
"By the way, you call me Kashmir so easily in moments like this, but normally it's 'my lady.'"
"Ahem."
At my narrowed-eyed question, Rainer coughed like something was caught in his throat.
"That was... I'm sorry for using your name so casually. I overstepped."
Commoners tossed around names or surnames freely, but for nobles, using a first name was reserved for family, lovers, or close friends. I shook my head at his polite apology.
"I'm not blaming you for using my name."
Through the softly crackling fire, I could see his face—my dear friend's face. I curved my eyes gently while facing him.
"I think we're close enough now. When will you start calling me by name?"
Rainer's mouth parted slightly. He looked a bit surprised.
He's more than earned the right.
To me, he was one of my most precious people. As I watched him with a hint of amusement, he exhaled softly, his gaze hazy.
"Kashmir."
"Yes."
"Kashmir..."
"That's right. My name."
I giggled as he murmured it over and over, then helped him out.
He sighed, tossed his head back, and swept his silver-gray bangs up roughly. After a deep breath, he faced me slowly.
"...You have no idea how long I've wanted to say your name to your face."
His expression was heavy with deep, raw emotion. His eyes brimmed with clear affection. His voice rumbled low.
"Did you want to say it that badly? Why not just do it? Call me whatever from now on. Kashmir."
I'd have allowed it anytime if he'd asked. Was he shy?
The Rainer I'd known looked ice-hearted but hid his shyness well. His subtly flushing neck confirmed it. Convinced his reticence was bashfulness, I grinned boldly. He stared intently, then stood abruptly.
"...I've been calling your name for a very long time. In places you couldn't hear."
He approached with heavy steps, knelt on one knee before me, and leaned in. Even then, our height difference was huge—I had to tilt my head up to meet his eyes.
"Mysterious mercenary, Mir. All I knew was that you were Mir... and Kashmir."
Rainer slowly raised a hand to cup my cheek. His large, cool palm met my fire-warmed skin. I flinched at the chill, then locked eyes with his simmering golden gaze, my face blank.
"I've spent countless nights longing for you, even without knowing your face. To me, you were savior, reason to live, the one ideal I yearned to reach. From the first moment we met until now."
Speechless, I drew a sharp breath. His eyes flashed with pitiful heat.
"After enduring all that time, I can finally say your name... but I'm still not as strong as you."
His hand slid lightly to my shoulder, drawing me in without resistance. At my lowered eye level, his bronze lips bit painfully into his white teeth. Looking up revealed eyes drowned in self-loathing.
Plop.
His hand moved to my shoulder; he rested his forehead there, hiding his face as he whispered.
"Just a little longer. Wait just a bit more. I can get as strong as you soon. I won't just watch helplessly again while you charge alone into a monster's maw."
His grip on my shoulder trembled faintly. His breath against it was unsteady.
"Kashmir. Next time, just leave me and run. Please... never do that in front of me again."
So it did bother him.
I felt it anew: Rainer Ainheart was astonishingly good at masking his emotions. His poker face only cracked around me; to nobles, he was an emotionless machine. But I knew better—he was just skilled at control, not devoid of feeling.
Seeing his calm face after, I'd stupidly forgotten. I'd thrown myself into Harabana's jaws like always, and he'd been forced to watch powerless as his friend dove into peril bare-handed.
...I did something unforgivable.
If our positions reversed and Rainer did that, I'd have pinned him down the second he emerged from Harabana's maw—his injuries from me would outnumber Harabana's. Imagining it made my heart ache dully.
"Sir."
"Rainer. Call me Rainer."
His cracked voice was desperate.
"...Rainer."
I exhaled softly, gently grasped the back of his head where it touched my forehead, and pulled him closer. He yielded, our bodies overlapping in an embrace.
"I'm sorry."
Rainer steadied his breathing. I closed my eyes lightly and hugged him tight. The thick rosewood scent from his nape overwhelmed my senses.
"Sorry for showing you an ugly side."
"Why are you apologizing to me?"
His large, firm hands gripped my shoulders and pulled back slightly. His tearless but weeping eyes pleaded desperately.
"Don't. You shouldn't worry about me. Worry about yourself. I wish you'd been a little more selfish, Kashmir."
People wanted me to be a hero. The Black Calamity Mir, throwing herself into danger for the weak without hesitation. A righteous soul wielding despair-filled jet-black aura only to protect others. They wanted my blood-forged strength for themselves, and I'd thought it natural.
But you want me to be selfish.
The knight who seemed endlessly just and upright begged me with desperate eyes to be selfish.
I slowly lowered my lashes, blocking my view. Without closing my eyes, I'd drown in the crashing golden waves.
But I can't.
My lips tightened in distress. Protecting others at any cost was my selfishness. My greatest greed was for those around me to live happily in a peaceful world. Peace demanded war's preparation.
"Rainer, I..."
I hesitated to say I couldn't rather than lie simply. In that instant, his arms wrapped my waist and yanked me close. Bound tight in his long, solid embrace, I was helplessly drawn into him.
He crushed me against him, his breath ruffling my nape. Urgent exhales brushed my ear and neck ceaselessly. His nape emitted the same scent as my shirt. His throat bobbed. Every part of Rainer was stimulating. My whole body tingled.
"...Just don't say it."
His voice shed its usual politeness, rough and low. He clutched something about to vanish like a frantic child. I shut my mouth.
Seated on his lap, I let him bury his face in my nape for a long while, as if checking my racing pulse. Knowing his arm around my waist trembled faintly—not to push away but to hold on—I sighed and placed my hand on his nape.
Sometimes silence spoke more than a thousand words. In the thick silence laced with his breaths, I realized he didn't want truth now. I quietly held him. Stability was what Rainer needed.
"...You smell like me."
After a deep inhale, he whispered low and thick much later. His lips near my nape brushed it like a kiss. I let out a small gasp and murmured.
"You smell like me too."
Rainer hugged me tighter. Skin to skin in silence, we comforted each other, and the night in the cave passed that way.