Chapter 68
"......It's difficult."
I sighed as I met his silver eyes, brimming with something I couldn't comprehend.
"I wish you hadn't shown me this other side of you that you hide from everyone else. I wish you'd let me pretend I don't know about your past. I'd have to play the fool in front of you."
"I—"
"If that's what you want, pretending not to know wouldn't be hard," I called his name firmly: Elrior. His new name, still a little awkward on my tongue. The boy I knew from the past had been nameless.
He'd told me himself: abandoned at an orphanage the moment he was born, with no name given.
Blackie.
That's what I'd called him, after his black eyes. A boy with roughly cropped dark brown hair and eyes burning with hatred for the world. My friend from childhood, Blackie.
Now here he was, transformed—name, appearance, status, everything changed—and those eyes I could no longer read posed a riddle to me.
"But I want to become a fool knowingly. Tell me. Why do I have to pretend not to know?"
I'd never been good at beating around the bush. I stared straight at him and asked directly.
El bit his lip hard before answering slowly.
"If you knew...... you'd......"
"I'd what?"
I prompted him gently, helping him along. He squeezed his eyes shut.
"......hate me."
The raw emotion stretching through his voice was heartbreaking. I watched him steadily as he covered his face with one hand and let out a deep sigh.
He was afraid. Afraid of my hatred.
"I'm not actually as kind a person around anyone else. That bastard Julian—no, that friend of mine—is right; my personality isn't that great. I'm not someone who suits you. And my past......"
El's eyes darkened. As his pupils slowly rolled in recollection, they filled not with contempt for me, but for his past self.
"I've finally risen to a position somewhat worthy of you, and I didn't want you seeing me as that powerless little kid again."
I could tell he despised his former self.
"......I'm a very subjective person, El."
I gazed deeply into the self-loathing that filled his refined features before slowly opening my mouth. His wandering eyes focused on me.
Blind, desperate—like a devotee beholding their god.
"I believe what I see, and I judge everything by my own subjectivity. Your objectivity doesn't matter to me."
I cupped his pale cheek, fixing his gaze on mine. His eyes grew hazy for a moment.
I stared back without a flicker of hesitation.
"I don't care how you act toward others. I only trust the you I've seen."
And that was the truth. Even if El beat hundreds of people to death where I couldn't see, I wouldn't care. Selfish as it was, only my people mattered to me.
I simply couldn't witness death unfolding before my eyes—not because I was some saintly gentleman.
"Just one question. Was the kindness you showed me all fake?"
At my words, El laughed as if he might cry. Then, just like at the banquet months ago after our dance, he pressed his lips to the back of my hand.
"Everything toward you has always been constant, without a shred of falsehood, Shushu."
He whispered in a voice sweet enough to melt me. Hearing his sincere words, I chuckled softly.
"That's enough."
I leaned against the railing, my body growing languid in the night breeze.
"And it seems you're misunderstanding something."
I hooked my finger under the chin of El, who stood there blankly, and drew him toward me. He came helplessly.
With his dazed face right in front of mine, I grinned playfully.
The Pope was the Sun God Ra's representative. Laying hands on his body was seen as defying Ra's authority—a grave crime.
Yet I didn't hesitate to touch El.
"The one I cherish isn't Pope Elrior Ra. It's El, the friend from my past."
I didn't adore him because he was the Pope. Whether Pope or still a grubby orphan boy wallowing in the mud—it made no difference to me.
He was already my friend, my person.
"......Ah."
El, who'd been staring at me with hazy eyes for a long while, let out a short sigh. He slowly closed and opened his eyes, then gripped the railing with both hands while facing me. I was trapped between his arms.
"......You were always like this."
His face drew closer, his whisper brushing my ear. I tilted my head to look at him, and he exhaled deeply. The lily scent wavering in the air was dizzyingly strong.
"You save me so casually, with that expression like it's no big deal."
His eyes still held something I couldn't read, but now one familiar emotion had taken root amid it. The most primal instinct, sometimes seen even in magic beasts.
Desire.
Desire for me.
"People think I'm the Pope who serves the Sun God, but do you know the truth? To me, God is you."
Blasphemy. Unthinkable words from the Pope's mouth.
But that's what made it all the more provocative.
El's eyes curved gently. It looked like a joyful smile on the surface, but I couldn't shake the feeling he was hiding something behind it.
I stared intently at his eyes, flushed red with desire, before speaking.
"......You shouldn't make a person your god. It's dangerous."
"I know."
El lightly took my hand and leaned in, pressing his lips to the back of it again.
"Ah."
A short gasp escaped me. With a wet smack, my rough, scar-covered skin was briefly sucked between his soft red lips.
A red mark bloomed on my hand like a flower of heat. As I stared in a slight daze, El looked up at me and smiled.
"But it's not something I can back away from just because it's dangerous."
The eerie whisper burrowing into my ear sent chills down my spine. I hesitated, head lowered, before meeting his gaze.
Locking eyes with his silver ones felt like facing a beast utterly defenseless.
"......Have you made contact with the Atara delegation?"
How long had our gazes lingered? El finally tore his sticky stare away and slowly pulled back, changing the subject a bit awkwardly. He seemed on the verge of saying more but stopped.
He wanted to shift topics, so I followed his lead.
"I only saw them from afar. No chance to build any rapport."
"Still, there must be at least one you've met."
There is...... the delegation leader, who also happens to be the king...
I nodded, picturing Leo's face.
El's eyes chilled for an instant before returning to normal.
"Did that bastard cling to you, Shushu?"
"Uh...... not clinging, exactly. More like friends."
My awkward reply made El's expression turn profoundly strange—a mix of distrust, scorn, and pity.
"A guy who'd hand over his entire kingdom as a gift, and you call him a friend......" he muttered softly.
Of course, Leo and I were close, but he wasn't crazy enough to give me a kingdom.
"Hm, do you know Leo, El?"
"......Leo? You mean that brat with the weed-green eyes and the feral look?"
"Weed-green eyes...... Yeah, that sounds right."
I nearly burst out laughing at how El demolished Leo's godlike beauty in one go, but I bit my lip to hold it in.
El's face soured like he'd seen Devera acting cute.
"......I know his face, but we're not on pleasant terms. We've never met in person—only through video communication magic tools."
Urgent inter-nation meetings were often handled via video magic, so it wasn't strange for the Pope not to know the Atara king's face intimately. Still, the way El spoke of Leo made it seem like he'd cut him down if he had a sword handy—odd, to say the least.
"Was Leo the crazy one from the delegation you told me to deal with at the debutante ball?"
He surely knew Leo was the king, so calling a monarch "crazy" seemed unlikely, but since Leo was the only delegation member I'd interacted with, it was the obvious guess.
Ridiculous as my hesitant question felt, El affirmed it decisively.
"I've seen him a few times, but he's definitely crazy."
"Oh......"
"I hoped he wouldn't have any connection to you, Shushu...... but it seems you've gotten quite close already."
"We've known each other since we were kids."
El's eyes narrowed. He crossed his arms, breathing steadily, his gaze boiling with strange fervor.
"I have no right to meddle in your relationships...... but still, I hope you don't get too friendly with that guy."
"Any particular reason?"
I blinked and tilted my head. It was easy to see El harbored malice toward Leo, but the why eluded me.
As I narrowed my eyes to read his intent, he let out a watery smile.
"You're eerily perceptive most of the time...... but you have zero awareness of how loved you are."
Only those who've received much love know what it feels like. I'd experienced it too—not just Aria's constant affection, but the ample love from Kal and Kaiser, brief as it was.
But the love El spoke of wasn't the familial kind I knew so well. That much was clear.
"I get jealous of everywhere your gaze lands, Shushu."
El smiled faintly. Serene, flawless perfection.
Yet I could read the unnatural undercurrent in his aura.
"I know wanting you to understand these feelings is selfish. But still......"
With hands clasped behind his back, El leaned in close. Something viscous hid behind his spring-breeze smile, tickling my nerves.
"I wish you'd grasp, even a little, how desperately I need you."
His sweet voice dripped with artificial sweetness. What fell into his silver eyes was surely desperation—but nothing like the pleas for salvation I'd seen in others.
I faced the enigma for a long moment before slowly closing my eyes.
"......That's incredibly difficult for me. But I'll try."
Emotions are hard. Even after becoming a lady and meeting countless people, they remained so.
But El was already precious to me—from the days he was that nameless boy.
If my precious El wished it, I could try facing the enigma he harbored.
"Please do."
Only then did he smile genuinely. His slightly brightened face was so lovely I admired it for a moment before my thoughts turned to the closed terrace curtains.
"Staying alone together too long might tarnish Your Holiness's reputation."
Time to part before rumors spread.
Even as Pope of an empire, scandal was unavoidable. Especially for him—a perfect groom candidate in his marriageable years—with many ears perked for his romantic news.
And plenty pine for El too.
His immense position as Pope, paired with that poignant, mysterious beauty, was enough to stir hearts. Unlike the imperial family, who treated marriage as politics and meddled in the Emperor's, the temple didn't interfere even if the Pope dated a commoner.
Pope's consort was a far more realistic dream than Empress.
Better slip out before the stones start flying.
A man and woman past marriageable age—Pope and ducal lady, alone on a banquet terrace for too long—spreading that tale would be disastrous no matter how.
The footsteps outside had fully quieted, perfect timing to sneak away.
"......You're right. I don't want to trouble Shushu with scandal either."
El finally withdrew. His drooping smile tugged at me, but parting now was best for him too.
"I'll visit the temple again soon."
"I'll be waiting."
"Then, farewell. May the Sun's blessings always be with you."
He gave a brief nod and left the terrace. Fortunately, no one was outside.
I sighed in relief and walked evenly toward the crowded main hall.
Head down, slipping quietly to the corner, people passed without noticing me.
Just as I thought how easy it was to breathe without the piercing stares that assailed me upon entering the hall—
Footsteps approached.
"Lady Crisis! I've been looking for you!"
And that someone bellowed my name in a booming voice. Countless eyes swarmed to me.
Damn it!
Savoring the quiet only to be hit with this racket—I inwardly cursed as I stared blankly at the approaching figure.
A young noble my age, someone I'd never even spoken to.
As I eyed him with full confusion, his flushed face erupted.
"Will you make a token for me at the upcoming hunt tournament?!"
The stranger had boldly propositioned me out of nowhere.