Chapter 52
El was silent for a long while. His expression had stiffened into something utterly unreadable. But I could sense the hesitation in that silence, so I simply waited for him to speak first.
"......Yes."
By the time the tea had gone cold, El finally parted his lips slowly. Thick layers of deep resentment, sorrow, and regret had hardened into something like waste, crusting over his moonlit eyes like craters on the lunar surface.
"I had one. A little sister."
"But she's dead now."
Those words seemed unbearably heavy. Far too much for him to bear.
......So she died after all.
From the moment I'd turned away in that empty space, I'd expected I wouldn't be able to be there at her deathbed. Even so, my chest ached. That child shouldn't have died like that.
I squeezed my eyes shut, picturing those round eyes that reminded me so much of Aria.
"......I'm sorry."
"What do you have to apologize for, Mir? It couldn't be helped."
A heavy silence settled between El and me.
'Unnie, thank you! Thanks to you, my brother seems a lot brighter these days! I wish we could live with you forever......'
I closed my eyes briefly, recalling a moment from the past, then slowly opened them.
'......Thank you for helping us.'
That child, always covered in wounds that made her face hard to recognize. Reeking of dire poverty, yet exuding a sacred lily scent on the other hand. Eyes pitch-black with venom and hatred for the world, short and coarse dark brown hair.
And then I looked at the man before me.
A man gazing at me with eyes filled with a jumble of emotions too tangled to define.
Pale as white jade, soft skin. An angelic, gentle impression. Not a trace of poverty, just a thick lily fragrance. Nobly shimmering silver eyes and neatly groomed sky-blue hair.
'The nameless child and Pope Elrior Ra.'
The only thing they had in common was that nostalgic scent tickling my nose.
Yet even so, my heart was convinced: El was that child from back then.
"Then, one last question."
El, who had been leaning back against the sofa with his eyes closed, lifted his long lashes. Those ever-beautiful silver eyes came into view. His wandering gaze focused on me. The corners of his eyes drooped painfully.
"Ask me anything."
He looked reluctant to answer. Even though it was obvious, El permitted it. As if, with me, anything was allowed.
That sight stirred an indescribable emotion in me.
'Who am I to him?'
To me, that child from the past remained a memory of pain and warmth from my youth.
But how had I remained in his memory? It was impossible to guess.
'Why didn't you come back then?'
The question I truly, desperately wanted to ask sank into the depths of my heart, and instead, I voiced the same question I'd asked back when we were kids.
"Do you want me to pretend I don't know?"
'Blackie. Pretend you don't know, okay?'
El's eyes shook violently. I just smiled at the look that said that wasn't what I wanted to ask.
I didn't want to force him into something he hated.
"......Pretend you don't know. Until I find the courage to tell you myself."
'......Pretend you don't know. I don't want to show you my weak side.'
Painful memories from childhood resurfaced. That must have been the worst time of your life, yet you still remember it.
The boy who had clung to me desperately, covered in blood and grime.
"......All right. That settles it."
I smiled softly. That was answer enough.
Truth be told, I'd had a whirlwind of thoughts on my way here. If El really was the pope, if he really was that child from back then—what should I do?
But now that I faced him and knew the truth, no particular thoughts came to mind.
Whether he was the pope or that child, the ways he'd helped me up till now wouldn't change.
A friend from my childhood, an ally who'd aided me.
Before I knew it, someone precious to me.
To me, he was simply El.
"I should get going now. Rest well, Your Holiness."
Considering how lost in thought El seemed, I stood first to give him space—only for him to hurriedly, yet cautiously, catch the hem of my shirt and tug lightly.
I blinked at him, and El furrowed his brow with a sad look.
"Can't the pope be El to you? I told you—even in my other form, my feelings for you are always the same."
El's eyes drooped mournfully. His fluttering lashes seemed to seduce me pitifully.
"Call me El, Shushu. That's what we agreed."
His low, resonant voice vibrated in my eardrums. Beneath that pitiful, fragile exterior lurked an obsession tangled with madness in his eyes.
'......Don't leave me.'
I felt a slight sense of dissonance, but the gentle tug on my clothes evoked that child from our youth, and I let my guard down.
'He's still a kid.'
I stared down intently at El, who held me back. Maybe because I remembered the weak El from childhood—even though he was actually two years older than me, in my eyes, he always looked young and fragile.
I'd always been weak to the young and fragile.
"......I'll call you Your Holiness in public, but when it's just us, El."
I slowly pried his hand off my shirt. His hand, much larger than mine, twitched slightly. A familiar warmth spread through my palm.
"So don't make that face."
Silver eyes drowned in despair, lashes trembling as if anticipating my refusal.
I gripped El's hand tightly once, then let go. It was too pitiful to truly refuse.
"......If that's what you want."
El slowly closed and opened his eyes, then curved them into a bright smile. That cheerful look suited him best.
"Then I'll really be going."
El's complexion wasn't great either, so it was better to leave quickly. I stared at him as he nodded with a slightly downcast air, momentarily forgetting our stations, and placed my hand on his soft sky-blue hair.
I stroked it slowly, his fine strands like yarn tangling around my fingers.
"You've worked hard getting here."
I whispered softly, looking down at his surprised expression. Those silver eyes submerged under a flood of emotions.
The path from a lonely temple outcast to the greatest pope in history couldn't have been easy.
I was pretending not to know his past, but still, I wanted to tell him: You've worked hard. I don't know every road you've walked, but I remember where you started, so I vaguely understand your struggles.
I wanted to say it to my friend from childhood.
"Until we meet again, stay safe."
I turned and left without lingering. All my doubts about El had been resolved; now we could truly be friends.
"Ha, ha......"
Elrior stared blankly into space for a long time, body rigid, before letting out a hollow laugh. He covered his eyes with his arm.
'You still remember that stupid, helpless boy who could only receive your help back then.'
It was despairing, wretched. He hadn't wanted to be found out.
Finally, he'd clawed his way to a position where he could help her—he didn't want to be seen as that same child who only took help.
'I hoped you wouldn't know. I really did......'
Elrior grimaced and covered his face with both hands. The pitiful tenderness washed away like the tide, leaving his pale face twisted with obsession, madness, despair, and a strange joy—all mashed into an unrecognizable emotion.
'Why does it make me this happy that you remember me?'
Despairing, yet joyful. The contradictory emotions crashed over him at once.
He felt like he'd gone mad under the moon's pull. Then again, ever since meeting Kashmir, he'd always been a little mad, so it was no surprise.
'You destroy me and remake me.'
One glance shattered him to pieces; one touch granted salvation. He hated being swayed, but it was far too late to escape.
He loved her so much that being ruled by those small, callused, rough hands for his entire life would be bliss.
"Kashmir......"
He chewed out the syllables. That single name weighed as heavy as his entire existence—it was burdensome to even bear.
"How can I...... win even a piece of your heart?"
His cracked voice was pathetic. He knew unrequited love was inherently unreturned, yet he clung desperately for one more glance, one more touch.
If not love, then friendship. If not friendship, then pity—anything, just a fragment of her.
Pope Elrior Ra, wielder of the temple's absolute power, was utterly powerless before love.
"Hey, good meeting?"
The door burst open without a knock, revealing the face of an enemy he'd gladly tear apart. Elrior, eyes closed, infused his holy power with killing intent and lunged at Julian.
"Gah, ack! You grumpy bastard......!"
For the temple's harmless image, it wasn't widely known, but immense holy power could indeed be used offensively. Properly wielded, it rivaled aura in destructive force.
Elrior slowly closed his eyes as he strangled Julian with that beautiful silver holy power—the same one that made Kashmir's eyes light up whenever she saw it.
"You've been getting close to Kashmir lately."
"Gurk......"
Elrior rose slowly from his seat and stood before the groaning Julian. His slender, pretty hand seized Julian's nape.
"I've overlooked your insolent words and actions because of what you've done so far...... But as you know, if I had to choose between love and friendship, I'd rip you limb from limb and send you to Kashmir."
"You madman......"
Julian's face paled as he faced Elrior's fully unhinged, smiling visage. Elrior released him with a flick of his wrist, letting the choking, floating Julian drop, then twisted his lips.
"Don't wag your tail at her, you cur. Before I snap your neck in two."
Julian wore an expression of utter injustice, like he wanted to die right there, but Elrior paid it no mind.
He flopped back onto the sofa and cradled his face in his hands.
"Ha, I miss her already......"
Elrior muttered with a pained face. He was truly suffering from the most infuriating first love.
Winter, filled with countless incidents, had passed, and spring had arrived before I knew it.
Spring at the ducal residence evoked a strangely peculiar sentiment.
I sat by my bedroom window, gazing intently at the garden where flowers were beginning to bloom.
'Spring has always been a season of rest for me.'
Magic beasts that rampaged in winter grew less active as the weather warmed, so spring was when I wrapped up the busy winter and caught my breath.
It was also a grateful season that marked the end of winter, the season of nightmares for me.