When to Stop
Eyes opened to the familiar ceiling.
People don’t die easily, they say.
Slightly lifting my head, my left arm was wrapped in bandages. My whole body ached.
Somehow, I was alive.
As if unconsciously sighing, the door to the private room in the orphanage burst open.
Another sigh escaped.
This sigh carried a mix of meanings.
The expression that could convey “I’m angry” with the entire body, and the fact that she was unharmed without a single wound made it fortunate.
“Tommy! You’re alive!”
“…”
Still, happiness is the best. When I spoke with all my heart, the other side remained silent.
Ryly was holding a water bottle. When our eyes met, those blue eyes widened, almost dropping the bottle, then strength filled his hand. His brows, needless to say.
He slammed his feet heavily and placed the water bottle on the desk. It was an action as if to break something.
“Are you okay? What happened to that monster? Escape is—”
“I clearly told you.”
Cutting him off with force.
“… Tommy?”
“Stop acting like you used mana. You’re the one who can’t even use proper magic.”
“…”
My eyes were sharp. The tone was cold, and any attempt to lighten the mood, including casual greetings, all went in vain.
I kept my mouth shut and lowered my head quietly.
“The one who asked me to believe and wait was you. But… like this… in such a state…”
The gaze stung, so I slipped my left arm under the blanket. Ryly let out a scoff.
“You almost died, you know?”
“Ah… that…”
No words came to mind.
Why this kid was so angry. Because I understood that feeling.
Even if I were in the opposite position, I would have been angry.
“What do you think you’re doing, blocking my way instead of me?”
“I only thought of having to save you…”
“So. What are you? Seriously. Without any power. And you have those weird things that kids play with.”
I caught the paper he threw. It was a request. He must have noticed it was in my pocket.
“These are things that humans who have proper weapons and know how to use strength do. But you… can’t do anything.”
Hearing this, a bit of irritation rose in me.
I knew the lack of ability to some extent. Because I knew, this friend who guides me is really grateful, and that’s why I took the request, to express that gratitude.
To be safe, I didn’t take difficult requests. Because I know my shortcomings.
The incident of that day was just an unexpected variable.
But hearing this makes me feel bad, no choice.
So, trying to say something.
“You didn’t even consult me…”
The boy muttered disappointedly.
Just sorry.
“… Sorry, Tommy.”
“…”
Ryly turned around abruptly.
“It’s fine… just… it’s my fault…”
He walked out of the room.
“Eh, Tommy… Sugar is okay… eh… eh…?”
Outside the door, Frallin’s voice was heard saying something.
Soon, the door opened slightly and a gentle girl entered.
“Sugar! You’re awake!”
“Uh-huh.”
“Really worried… fell from a high tree…”
“Ah… yeah…”
She must have roughly explained the fact.
The feeling tightened more at this truth.
When bringing back the fallen self and making excuses. What kind of feeling was that.
“Couldn’t you just ask if I’m okay…”
“Sug, Sugar?”
“Muttering to myself.”
Chewing my lip, Ryly glared at the room he left.
Then, feeling that he is the one who has such feelings, he sighed deeply.
“I should apologize properly…”
“Eh… you two fought?”
“Yeah.”
“Eh eh…”
“It’s fine. Don’t worry.”
Frallin peeked up and down, fidgeting with her hands and spoke.
“I, I… is there anything I can help with?”
“No, it’s fine… eh.”
“Eh?”
A sudden idea came to mind.
“Will you help me after all?”
The corner of my mouth lifted slightly.
***
“I hurt you…”
The day I was supposed to watch over.
The day Sugar noticed something at night.
I should have scolded more sharply.
As the one guiding, I should have been more firm.
That’s why Ryly is curled up in the attic, regretting not doing so.
Anger boiled, but it was not anger towards Sugar. Although it’s a bit irritating that without consulting, he went to do dangerous things, but that’s all.
The fundamental reason is self-hatred.
It’s because I’m lacking.
At that moment. The instant the monster’s fist flew.
If I had taken out the grimoire, it would have ended without any problem, but I didn’t.
Then, if Sugar sees it.
Revealing the existence of the grimoire…
“…”
A book that fills the content with the breath of a living being is a forbidden book. It’s like committing a crime just by having it.
If caught, heresy judgment. Become a body pursued by the Holy Knights.
So, it’s better not to have anyone know. Because the risk increases.
I have to move forward as the owner of the grimoire, looking up, there should be no elements that are obstacles—
“This is an excuse…”
Yes, let’s examine the thing I feared most.
Above all, what I dreaded was that fear would be in Sugar’s eyes.
Sugar who hates heretics. Originally, most people are afraid of and avoid heretics.
If the sun-like existence that is always with me suddenly doesn’t show its light. If it doesn’t smile but just darkens, it would be impossible to endure.
That’s why I hesitated to take out the grimoire at that moment.
As a result, Sugar pushed me away and took the attack, getting injured. If it hadn’t been for the left arm and directly hit the abdomen, I might have died.
Just thinking, my heart dropped.
“Why that monster… on that day, she took that request…”
After Sugar fell, I immediately dealt with the giant monster. It was not difficult, so I was even more angry. Because of that moment of hesitation, this incident happened.
Even if I curse the world like that, the arrow eventually comes back to me. Anyway, without the grimoire, I can’t do anything, and I couldn’t protect Sugar.
“…”
It seems the time has come to stop playing with dolls.
I thought I could feel a sense of accomplishment if this kid awakened magic with my hands.
If so, maybe I can become a mage recognized without a grimoire like that.
But it’s all self-consolation.
In reality, it’s a weakling who can’t do anything, can’t even be called a mage.
No change from the powerless boy of that time. Can’t protect even one girl properly.
“Rather, having no one next to me would be better…”
This weak heart that shakes like this just because it got hurt a bit. With such a fragile heart, I can’t achieve the dream of receiving everyone’s recognition.
The sunlight was too warm, I got addicted to it. Neither this nor that. I want to become strong, but I can’t become evil.
Even if I try to have ambiguous bad feelings, ambiguous honest feelings interfere.
The answer came down.
If Sugar is next to me, I can’t stand above her.
To reach the top, I have to step on people and go up, but she keeps making it impossible to do so.
That kid keeps rubbing my heart. Makes me feel guilty, worried, weak, cautious.
If I don’t like that, the thing to do is clear.
It’s extremely simple.
.
.
.
Back to the private room.
Knocking and opening the door, it’s quiet.
“Hey… sleeping?”
The blanket is pulled over the head.
Ryly approaches quietly.
“… Not sleeping.”
The blanket keeps rustling. Awake.
He goes to the bedside and stands.
“Just… sorry for getting angry earlier… I came to say… the words were a bit… harsh…”
“…”
No answer, only blanket rustling.
“And again…”
Went somewhere far.
Mouth closed because no words come out.
Decided to leave this place.
Didn’t set where to go, but like when leaving home, wandering as feet take me.
Since Sugar is the cause that weakens my heart, if I distance from that cause, everything will be resolved.
The faster the action, the better. The longer I stay, the more familiar, the harder to leave.
Still, words don’t come out easily. If I suddenly disappear, it will be too worrying to see, so I wanted to say goodbye at least.
I brought a gift too. An accessory I saw at the junk shop before. Money earned in a similar way to Sugar.
When I went to the shop with that money, I asked to wrap it in red paper with blushing cheeks.
I was watching for the chance to give it, but since it’s a waste to throw it away, it’s the perfect farewell gift.
Even in this situation, the blanket keeps rustling inside. Without any response. Only occasionally “hic… hic…” sounds.
“…”
Something ominous. Sleep talking? Sleep talking like this?
Maybe seizure? Then I wouldn’t have time to do this.
Ryly quickly lifts the blanket.
And the friend revealed is an unexpected girl.
“What?”
“Ah… that…”
“Why are you here? Where did she go?”
“That, that’s… I had some business for a moment… she told me to stay instead…”
The girl with black hair, Frallin, is trembling and answers.
“Business? She went out?”
“Uh, yeah…”
“So, she went out like that, fighting again?”
The way she nods slightly, it feels like a vein bursting in the back of the neck.