Distorted by Illusion
Once a person gets trapped in a certain mindset, their thinking becomes distorted. Up until then, I was still unconsciously considering myself Ariel. I imagined—or rather, remembered—people bowing their heads when they saw me. Those were real events, after all. I'd lived as Ariel for over twenty years. Countless memories of Ariel had fused together to form a single sense of self. Naturally, that way of thinking wasn't something that changed easily.
And that was quite unfortunate. It gave me the baseless confidence that I could wander around in this form without any issues. That meaningless confidence was worse than none at all.
"Hic! Sniff, heugh... Hnng, hic."
After crying my heart out, my mind finally started to calm a bit. Without thinking, I took the handkerchief Terria offered and blew my nose with a loud honk.
"Feeling better now?"
Terria asked in a gentle voice. Could 'I' ever speak so kindly?
"Yeah..."
I answered in a nasally voice. My throat was hoarse from all the crying. With my emotions drained empty, shame came flooding in. Now I was finally grasping the situation. Pathetic. I'd bawled like a little girl. Right in front of Terria. How utterly ridiculous I must have looked. I covered my face with my hands. My cheeks felt hot and flushed. Was it from crying? Or embarrassment?
"Rest for today. I'll head out."
The me who'd tormented him day after day, laughing at his suffering—I'd shown such an ugly side in front of Terria. It felt like just yesterday I'd been snarling at him, and now here I was, making a disgraceful spectacle. It hadn't even been that many days; I couldn't quite feel the shift in my heart. Right now, the shame outweighed any resentment toward Terria for stealing my body.
"...Where to?"
"Gotta handle the schedule."
Right. Terria was playing the role of Ariel. The lord of the Blue Tower must have a packed agenda. In that short time, after witnessing Terria's combat prowess, I'd finally realized it: he could perfectly replace me. So what could I do? If someone else could take my place, what was the point of the life I'd lived?
"You won't go anywhere, right?"
"Yeah. I'll stay in the room."
"Good. Rest up. Hungry? Want something to eat?"
"...No. I wanna sleep."
I crawled onto the bed and turned away from Terria, lying on my side. I should at least say thanks. Thanks for saving me. He didn't have to, but thanks for coming. But I immediately denied it. No, that's not right. It's only natural. An owner rescuing their slave is just natural.
I pulled the blanket up to my nose. The soft, fluffy covers enveloped my body gently. Was it my fault? Not Terria for stealing my body, but me for recklessly leaving the room on my own?
"I'll be back."
With those words, Terria left the guest room. "I'll be back" meant he'd return. Part of me wished he wouldn't, but no—that wasn't true. I needed to keep confirming that my body was intact. Because someday, it would be mine again.
Outside the window, the sky was a deep navy blue. Winter meant the sun set early. It was dinnertime, but I wasn't hungry. Drowsiness washed over me, and I buried my face in the pillow. Golden strands of hair stuck to my cheek, disheveled. I was exhausted. If only when I woke up, everything would be like it never happened. If only I'd wake up in Ariel's body...
But nothing like that happened. I'd fallen asleep before I knew it. When I woke, it was morning. Six a.m. I'd slept over ten hours. My body felt refreshed. The sun hadn't risen yet, so the world outside was still dim and bluish.
Grooo... grooo...
I heard faint breathing. I rolled over and looked at the bed beside me. Terria was sleeping soundly. I stared at him for a moment. Terria sleeping. Me sleeping. Was he dreaming something nice? A faint smile played on his lips.
What...?
For an instant, an inexplicable sense of wrongness hit me. Was that really me? It felt just a tiny bit off, like looking at a clone. To shake off the discomfort, I rationalized it. Sure. People can't see themselves sleeping. Unless it's a recording artifact, anyway. And I'd never seen footage of myself asleep. So of course it felt weird. Yeah. So let's think about something more important.
Lying in bed, I replayed yesterday's events. The rape. It was rape. Oral rape. That memory churning in my head was no different from rape. Forced against my will. Shattering my sense of self. Etching an unforgettable trauma. It was rape in another form. The more I dwelled on it, the stronger the urge grew. I wanted to go back to being me. Back to Ariel. To a body that didn't suffer this horror. To a body where I could live without worry. Back to my original body.
Then, a whisper in my ear: But what about Terria?
"Hik...!"
I jolted in shock. It felt like someone whispered, but it was just a new doubt surfacing. Terria has to live this life again? Was that it? Had Terria endured this terror for three years? And was I trying to shove him back into that hell?
It has nothing to do with me.
"That's... his fate. Whatever life he lives, it doesn't concern me."
But you saved him. You saved the trembling Terria three years ago.
"...I did my part by saving him. What more do you want? This is my life. My life."
My life, so I'm the most important. My happiness comes first. Only then can I have the spare energy for others. People are mostly selfish. Selfishness breeds altruism.
If I get back, I'll treat him better. Someday, when I'm back in my body, I'll be good to Terria. No more torment, no beatings, no pain. Just treat him well. That should be enough. Yeah, simple problem.
"What're you thinking about?"
Terria had woken up and was staring at me. Probably stirred by my muttering. Or maybe his early-rising habit. I mumbled for a bit before answering.
"The stuff you did."
"Like what?"
Terria questioned like an interrogator. Somehow, I felt compelled to answer, as if entranced.
"You stole my body."
"Resent me?"
"Of course. It's fucking annoying. You arrogantly stealing my body pisses me off, and me pathetically losing it pisses me off. It was a moronic mistake, something only an idiot would make."
It was my mistake too. I should've stored the potion more securely. I hadn't anticipated Terria, who roamed the lab freely, pulling that off. I'd underestimated him. Failed to notice he'd been sharpening his knife. Maybe he'd deliberately let me torment him all this time. To lower my guard. I felt like a fool homeowner blaming himself for a break-in—claiming the house was too flimsy. I knew the burglar was at fault. But unconsciously, my thoughts flowed that way. I wanted to think positively about Terria. Rationalizing like that. Why?
Terria listened silently. I kept going.
"And you... no, it's your body now. You played with your body. Groped it however you wanted. Touched the ears, the tail, the breasts."
"Did you hate it?"
"...Yeah, I hated it. Obviously? I'm a guy. That shit's just disgusting."
But shamefully, I'd felt it—the pleasure from his caresses. It pissed me off, but it felt good. Those rough hands kneaded me wildly. I hadn't resisted properly once.
"For someone who hated it, you were moaning like a slut. Pussy juices drooling everywhere."
"Ugh... fuck off."
I couldn't retort. It was true. When it happened, it wasn't that bad. Thinking back, I hadn't felt extreme revulsion... Fuck. What was I thinking? Admitting that even for a second filled me with utter shame. Never again. I'd make sure he couldn't toy with me like that. No more thinking about it. I shook my head to clear it and brought up the last thing.
"And you made me eat like a dog. On all fours. With just my mouth."
It felt exactly like a dog. What would Terria say to that?
"That was your choice. I never forced you."
"What...?"
Terria said it with a brazen face. I shot up and glared at him. He'd sat up too.
"Don't give me that bullshit...!"
"I. Never. Forced you."
He enunciated each word. Unease crept in. We locked eyes, battling silently, each convinced their words were truth. My face with that expression was a little scary. I couldn't take it and yelled.
"You blackmailed me! You threatened I couldn't go to the conference!"
"Blackmail? You call that blackmail? It was a deal. A negotiation. Think about it. I had no reason to go to the conference. You know I didn't have to."
"What...?"
"Your words are inconsistent. You still haven't given up on your body—this one I'm in. Right? You hold onto the hope you'll get it back someday. That means you see me not as Ariel, but as Terria. You treat me as Terria. And Terria has no reason to attend the conference."
Unlike my emotional outburst, Terria explained calmly. But his quiet intensity was scarier than shouting. I had nothing to say. He was right. I still saw the one in my body as Terria.
"If you said you gave up this body. If you accepted living as Terria, my slave, forever—then it'd be different. The moment you admit that, I'd act as Ariel. Attend the conference, continue magic research, everything. But until you do, I have no obligation to play Ariel. And you won't admit it. Right? Prove me wrong if you can."
Terria addressed my hope directly. As long as I clung to it, he had no duty to impersonate Ariel. Because I saw myself as Ariel, he saw himself as Terria. But if I abandoned hope and chose to live on in this body, things would change. I'd live as Terria, he'd live as Ariel. Then he'd fully become Ariel. Not acting—being Ariel.
Terria pressed quietly. His voice never rose, but restrained anger simmered beneath. He'd perfectly separated emotion from body. I realized volume wasn't everything.
"Answer me. Right or wrong."
No logical comeback came to mind. I had to admit defeat. It was horrific. I squeezed out the words.
"...You're right."
"Exactly. It was a deal. Acting like a dog was your choice. I never forced you."
I hung my head as I listened. I was the one who'd wanted the body-thief to attend the conference. I'd begged despite no obligation, accepted the deal. Eating like a dog on all fours with my mouth—that was my choice. His bone-chilling words flayed me, leaving me helpless. I couldn't meet Terria's gaze.
Terria drove the wedge home.
"I'm not like Lucas."