The Weight of a Rumor
I don’t know. Once, I attended a lecture at the academy about torture. At first, because it was titled "Torture," I thought it was a seminar on ancient books.
“Now, shall we begin our first class with the history of torture?”
Excuse me?
Surprisingly, the class that began that way turned into a manual of cruel punishments. “Tearing limbs apart, poisoning with gas—in the old days, many such inhumane acts were committed.”
On the chalkboard, which the bright-eyed professor tapped with his pointer, were explicit illustrations of tools and their aftermath, censored because they were too gruesome to look at.
I remember that after the first day of class, half the students dropped the course. Even then, the professor just smiled brightly, saying, “It’s interesting, what a shame,” and continued the lecture.
Why is that coming to mind right now?
“Speak the truth.”
Speak what?
On a weekend afternoon, four friends suddenly stormed into my room, tackled me, and tied me to a chair. Binding the opponent was the first step of torture, I suppose.
“We heard the rumors. You… held hands with Eline?”
All four men stared at me as if they couldn't believe it. Their expressions were a mix of pleading for me to say it was a lie and sheer disbelief. Ross, in particular, who had issued the confession dare, was looking at me with a trembling voice.
“Are you dating Eline?”
“…”
Even though I had pushed aside my doubts, I couldn't give a definitive answer even when I asked myself. Still, if I had to say it…
“Yeah. That’s how it turned out.”
I suppose that’s correct.
“Brother, what should we do with this bastard?”
“Should we kill him?”
Kyle and Edgar, who were holding me on either side, began to tighten their grip on my arms while mimicking the voices of back-alley thugs. The second step of torture: extract a confession by slowly inflicting pain.
“Wait, ouch! Hey, my joint is bending!”
“Shut up!”
“Hey, hey, you’re too immersed in this.”
Edgar and Kyle, who were holding me, began to adjust their strength on their own, and Ross, looking dejected, rubbed his face repeatedly and looked at Valrod.
“No, Valrod, what did I say! You said they were dating, right?”
Valrod just shrugged.
“But in the end, you admitted that you thought you were dumped, too.”
“That’s… true.”
Ross turned his head again, looking dumbfounded.
“Guys, let me go now. It hurts.”
“Shut up, traitor!”
What traitor, guys? It really hurts.
“I should’ve known when this guy put up a smokescreen saying he wasn’t interested in dating!”
“That’s right, wasn’t it all planned when he intentionally threw scissors?”
So this is how conspiracy theories are born.
“Hmm.”
And now, they grabbed my face and started kneading it. I got goosebumps.
“What are you doing?”
“Dissecting you.”
I’m not a test subject.
Once the excitement died down, the men gathered in my dormitory room, huddled together. The room was so small that it felt like it would burst at any moment with five grown men inside. All eyes were on me, but now those eyes were filled only with curiosity.
“So, did you go on a date today?”
A date—yeah, I guess you could call it that.
“Yeah.”
At my “yeah,” Edgar started hitting Kyle’s back, squealing like a girl.
“What did you do?”
“We went for a walk.”
“They went for a walk, a walk!”
Edgar started choking Kyle as if he couldn't hold it in, and Kyle grabbed his hair, causing another round of chaos.
“Ignore those idiots.”
At Valrod’s words, I continued the story. A walk—we walked around the northern academy grounds, ate lunch, and then parted ways. When we parted, she left with her usual, “See you next time,” and vanished, so there wasn’t much else to say.
“That guy Veron is picking fights even there.”
They were listening with interest, but as soon as Veron’s name came up, their faces soured as if on cue.
“To think a guy like that is in the Alpha Class—it’s the end of the world, truly.”
As Ross clicked his tongue, the other students nodded in unison. The Alpha Class exuded an untouchable aura, commensurate with its high status.
Even if a student looked ordinary, the moment someone said, “He’s an Alpha,” the person seemed different. But thinking that Veron was included in that aura made my friends look as if they had lost their appetite.
“I should have known when he transferred departments.”
“Leave him be. Even if a guy like that goes to the Alpha Class, he’ll drop out in the midterm evaluation anyway.”
At Valrod’s calm diagnosis, Ross chuckled and lightly patted his shoulder.
“What’s this? Does an active Alpha have a different eye for these things?”
“Well, you guys know, don’t you?”
We know.
We were nodding without saying much, understanding the meaning of those words. Veron, who probably mistook his own luck for skill, would likely fall back down as soon as this semester ended.
There are cases where people rise through shortcuts once or twice, but in the end, skill is evaluated consistently and eventually revealed.
“Anyway, what are we going to do about Lutes?”
“Why?”
“Why? Because you’re going to have a hard time for a while.”
At the mention of having a hard time, I let out a sigh. It was true; if these guys knew, it meant the rumors had already spread. As if their earlier fury was just an act, they were busy laughing while looking at me.
“Ah, I’m jealous. But seriously.”
“Right, how did Eline accept you?”
That’s what I’m saying.
It wasn’t that I lacked confidence, but no matter how much I thought about it, there was no clear answer. It wasn’t that I needed a pathetic reason to love her, but I still didn’t know the fundamental reason why she accepted my confession.
After all, the reason I confessed in the first place was just a penalty.
“…”
Right, a penalty. I had confessed to Eline as a penalty.
“Anyway, it’s getting late, so I’ll get going.”
Ross stood up. Whether he noticed the darkness settling in or sensed the worry on my face, as he stood, the other students rose one by one.
“Hey, who’s the dorm inspector for our building today?”
“Yulian.”
“Ah!”
Since the building was far, they had to leave early, so they filed out, glancing back at me until the very end as if telling me to hang in there. Except for Valrod.
“Don’t you need to go faster?”
Valrod, the only Alpha Class student among us, looked at me for a moment and scratched his head.
“Lutes.”
“Yeah.”
“You’re really going to have a hard time.”
“…”
His words were filled with genuine concern.
“Actually, I still can’t believe it. You know what kind of image Eline has.”
I know, of course.
“Whether you like it or not, you’re going to get a lot of attention. Especially… the Alpha Class kids will be interested in you, too.”
Hmm…
“Is that so?” “So, keep your wits about you starting next week.”
Valrod left me with sincere advice and stood up.
“Or else…”
He stopped abruptly, turned his head slightly, and looked at me.
“Yeah?”
“…”
He started to say something, but then he just closed the door and left.
As soon as he left, silence settled in the dormitory room, and I naturally flopped down and stared at the ceiling again.
“…”
A hard time. I suppose so.
I’ll probably have a label attached to me all day long. Whether I like it or not, whether it’s a misunderstanding or not.
From the moment it becomes known that I am the lover who held Eline’s hand, my name will be on everyone’s lips countless times. There will probably be baseless rumors. Natural backstabbing will likely occur, too.
Isn’t that happening even now?
…I don’t know.
It wasn’t that I was always conscious of people’s gazes, but in the end, I’m human, so excessive attention would be a burden. But more than that, something felt uncomfortable in my heart.
Continuously,
Continuously,
…Even if I grabbed my heart and pressed down on it, this uncomfortable feeling wouldn’t fly away. So I just closed my eyes.
Perhaps because I hadn’t been able to sleep from the tension since yesterday morning, as soon as I closed my eyes, I felt like I was being pulled comfortably into the bottom of the sea, as if my body were being weighed down.
Monday arrived.
As always on Sundays, I had stayed cooped up in my room, so I slept in. Of course, the footsteps passing in front of my room stopped from time to time, but I didn’t pay them any mind. I put on my uniform.
After looking in the mirror, which I usually didn’t do, I smiled. A bright smile. Ah, it’s unnatural.
After lightly brushing the dust off my clothes, I took a deep breath and threw the door open. The people I encountered in the hallway glanced at me once and passed by lightly.
Fortunately, it seemed the rumors hadn’t caused a major ripple yet. I walked to school. The cool breeze and the characteristic smell of grass made me feel at ease. Yeah, what could possibly happen?
And as soon as I entered the hallway of the academy’s main building.
‘Wow.’
I felt the gazes. As if they had promised to do so the moment I entered, students turned their heads one by one and began to stare at me.
Perhaps because it was the first time I had received so many gazes while attending the academy, I didn’t know what to do with myself.
At least they were only staring and not talking to me? Thinking it was fortunate, I walked naturally toward the classroom.
“Is it really him?”
“No way, surely not.”
“Isn’t it a lie?”
Of course, I heard the bothersome whispers, but I didn’t want to bother dealing with them. I had the same questions they did.
The atmosphere in the classroom was similar. The kids who were chatting energetically turned their heads one by one as I entered, and I naturally became the center of attention.
There were many students who had no interest in the rumor itself, and since it hadn’t spread far and wide yet, not all eyes were on me. I sat in my usual seat.
“Now, everyone, it’s a happy Monday.”
With the professor’s arrival, the gazes naturally dispersed.
The lecture ended.
Just as I was packing my things to get up, I felt several sets of footsteps approaching. Is it starting already?
“Hello, Lutes?”
I looked up. Sure enough, students I only knew by face were gathered in front of me. Kids with whom I had neither a bad nor a good relationship—just people I knew by sight.
“Hello.”
As soon as I greeted them lightly and packed my books, they asked me.
“Is it true?”
They really had no manners.
“What?”
“Eline, I mean.”
As I looked at them while slowly organizing my bag, I saw eyes glistening with curiosity and gossip. I couldn’t imagine how curious they were about the rumor, considering they hadn’t even spoken to me during the semester. Because I had never even exchanged a word with them.
As I slowly read their expressions, I got a rough idea of what Valrod meant. Their eyes didn’t contain blatant contempt, but they held that subtle, disbelieving look of, “Really, you?”
I finished packing my bag and calmly turned my head to look at them.
“That’s right.”
As I said it calmly and picked up my things, they stared at me as if they couldn’t believe it.
“Why?”
Some let out a loud breath as if it were absurd, and others just stared at each other. I ignored the voices calling me from behind and walked out of the classroom.
Even as I walked down the hallway, the gazes didn’t leave me. The way they kept looking at me was truly unsettling. Come to think of it, had Eline always lived amidst gazes like this?
I couldn’t help but be conscious of it, but now that I thought about it, I felt anew that Eline was amazing for having ignored this for two years. Come to think of it, wouldn’t her lecture be over by now? Should I go see her face?
…No, she must be busy, why go and bother her?
I turned my head to head off to prepare for the next lecture, but then I stopped in my tracks. A girl with silver hair was walking toward me from a distance. It was Eline.
And still, there was no one around her. Whether she was pushing them away herself or the students were avoiding her, people cleared a path as if they had promised to do so, so her position caught my eye immediately.
Whenever I saw a scene like that, I had thought that Eline didn’t really care. Even when people avoided her like that, I thought she took it for granted. Because she seemed to have no emotions.
But the Eline I saw the day before yesterday was small but knew how to express emotions, and I thought that perhaps… they might be richer than I imagined. If so, what was Eline thinking right now?
“…”
She was gradually approaching. She was probably moving to attend her next class. Originally, I should have stepped aside, too. That was how it had been until just last week.
‘But now…’
I thought I was conscious of the gazes, but seeing Eline, that feeling blurred. So I started walking. I brushed past the crowd and calmly approached her.
Our eyes met.
I saw it.
Although we had only met twice, her expression changed subtly. From the snowfield-like expressionless face she had just a moment ago, it flickered minutely like a small flower. Of course, she didn’t smile or show eye-smiles, but my heart began to race.
I took a deep breath and approached her again.
“Hello.”
“Yeah.”
As expected of Eline, she answered calmly. I could feel the gazes of people stopping one by one around us, but I decided to focus only on her.
“What are you doing here?”
My tongue tripped, and my voice cracked. What are you doing, what are you doing—she’s walking down the hallway, obviously. Is that even a question? …Am I really that bad at talking to women?
“I was going to my next class.” “I see.”
As expected, she said she was going to her next class. So? …Well, I saw her face, should I just go back?
“…”
“…”
Now that I had spoken to her, I had nothing to say. The confidence I had just a moment ago was gone, and regret began to wash over me. Should I not have talked to her?
“Why?”
Eline looked at me. Right, why?
I wanted to ask myself that question, too.
…Just because.
‘Just because it’s you.’
The answer she gave when I asked why she accepted my confession. Just because it’s me.
…My body moved.
I approached her slowly and took her hand. It was a warm, small hand.
“I’ll walk you there.”
There was a moment of silence. I couldn’t hear the noise of the hallway.
As I gripped her hand more firmly, I felt a tremor. At the very least, it wasn’t her who was trembling.
“Let’s go.”
Because my heart was beating like crazy.