It Hurts
That day was an especially cold winter.
I had deliberately left the window open while I slept. The biting wind of the estate’s winter poured into the room all through the dawn.
“Cough, cough.”
And so I caught a cold.
Fever climbed through me; my body shivered. Even when I held my breath, coughs forced their way out, and my nose ran without pause. I pulled the blanket over my head and lay still on the bed.
“…Hehe.”
Even so, I felt good.
I had caught a cold too.
I thought of Mother and Father, who had always come and gone whenever my younger siblings fell ill. If I was this sick, wouldn’t they come to me as well?
My head burned and spun. My throat felt raw. It didn’t matter. There were so many things I wanted to tell them once they arrived.
I lay there for a long while. Alfred would have delivered the news by now.
They’re busy with work, so they’ll come once it’s finished, right?
That was what I told myself. It was winter, after all—plenty of estate affairs and people to manage. They would probably come around evening.
I burrowed deeper under the covers and shifted my aching body.
Knock-knock—
Someone rapped on the door. I lowered the blanket.
“Yes, come in! Cough.”
I forced the cough to sound heavier, trying to look as pitiful as possible.
Creak—
The door opened, and in stepped maids in formal attire.
“Young master, your meal. There are also medicinal herbs good for colds—please take them after you eat.”
Their voices carefully measured, the maids set down warm soup and the herbs said to help with colds. They aired the room, tidied everything, then bowed their heads to me and left.
Silence settled over the room once more. I sat up and ate the soup.
Once.
Twice.
"..."
Thud—
My throat hurt too much to swallow any more. I took the medicine and roughly pulled the blanket back over myself.
“They must be very busy.”
That was what I thought.
I didn’t touch another bite until evening, when the maids returned with more soup. I simply lay there, staring endlessly at the ceiling.
“Cough.”
One more cough escaped me—and that was all. No more footsteps stopped outside my door.
Night.
Only when Alfred found a spare moment to come in and urge me to eat the soup did I finally open my mouth again.
“It’s gone cold.”
I swallowed the lukewarm soup and lay back down. My head ached, so I closed my eyes. The next time I saw my parents was at the evening meal we always shared—after the cold had already passed.
I opened my eyes.
My back throbbed, and the sharp scent of alcohol and disinfectant pricked my nose.
“…Ah.”
I must have slept a long time; the moment my eyes opened, my head began to pound. In the dim room came the bubbling of a kettle and the steady, measured sound of footsteps.
Where am I?
I tried to piece the memories back together. Before I lost consciousness I had been leaning against a tree, holding Eline in my arms. Small as she was, nothing had ever felt warmer or more comforting. Maybe every last bit of tension had drained out of me in that moment, and that was why I blacked out.
…
Eline.
Is she all right?
I should have stayed conscious. Instead I had closed my eyes like a fool. After telling her I was fine, I had promptly collapsed—she must have been worried.
I had been careless. At the very least we should have split into pairs so someone stayed beside me, or I should have held that position. If Eline hadn’t come, I would have been caught for certain.
A stupid choice.
I turned my head. Light was seeping past the curtained window.
Morning…
Morning. I forced myself upright.
“Ugh.”
My back pulsed with pain, and my arm stung. I looked at it. Thick bandages were wrapped around it, yellow liquid that looked like disinfectant dried into the cloth. So that was where the harsh smell was coming from.
Thud, thud.
Footsteps approached.
Swish—
The curtain screening the bed was drawn aside. A man entered, papers in hand, looking indifferent. He was short and slight, wearing round glasses. I read the name on his badge.
Romi…
Judging by the uniform, he was probably with the Academy Medical Bureau.
“Let’s see, you should be feeling better by nooow—”
He hummed as he lifted his head—and his eyes met mine.
“Ah.”
His small pupils widened for an instant.
“What! You’re awake! No wonder I kept hearing something! How are you? Body okay? Back?”
Then came the flood of questions.
“I’m fi—”
“Can you move all right? Eyes blinking fine? No aftereffects? Your head might spin, so stay lying down for now.”
“Um—”
“Oh crap, look at me, sorry—let me explain. Your back’s all stitched up so it’s fine, but if you move too hard the wound’ll open, so rest for a while. Same with the arm—don’t overdo it. Oh right, you’re already hospitalized anyway!”
Everything he rattled off was useful and necessary, but—
He’s really loud.
Listening to a machine-gun stream of words the second I woke up was no easy task.
“Doctor.”
“Ah, yes yes, sorry. I talk a bit much, don’t I?”
It was almost impressive how well he knew himself.
“Do you have anything else to say?”
“Tons.”
Romi grinned with easy shamelessness.
“If it’s not urgent, I have some questions of my own—may I ask?”
“Hmm, nothing urgent, so go ahead and as—ah! Before that, just one more thing?”
“What is it?”
“There’s a student who’s been waiting outside since dawn.”
Ah.
“Even now?”
“Yes, she should be in the hallway. All right if I let her in?”
I nodded at once. He turned and stepped out. Beyond the curtain I heard the door open and Romi’s murmured words to someone.
And then—
Tata-tatadak—!
Incredibly rapid footsteps.
“Patient needs rest, so be careful! I’ll go fetch the professor—wait here!”
Romi’s voice faded behind her as the person I had expected appeared past the curtain.
Eline.
She was breathing lightly, faintly out of breath. Faint dark circles shadowed her eyes. When she slowly lifted her head and met my gaze, her eyes began to well.
She sat carefully on the edge of the bed.
Eline said nothing.
"..."
She only stared at my hand, thickly wrapped in bandages.
“I’m fine. The doctor said it was nothing serious.”
When I spoke, she raised her eyes.
“Liar.”
“…Huh?”
Her voice trembled. Those blue eyes were wet.
“How is that nothing serious…”
Resentment threaded through the shaking words.
“Eli—”
“There was so much blood on your back. Your arm needed stitches. Three days… you only opened your eyes after three days.”
For the first time her voice rose sharply.
“I know you’re okay. I know the wounds aren’t that bad. But…”
Her body began to tremble.
“…I hate it.”
The words came out weak and trailing. She never said what she hated.
Seeing this reaction from Eline—who never wavered—left me not knowing what to do. I had been careless. Scratches, pain—I had always thought it was fine. Somewhere along the way I had decided no one would care even if I treated my body roughly.
“Eline…”
She gripped my hand tightly and slowly lifted her head. The faint dark circles, the wet eyes, filled my vision.
“I’m sorry I made you worry.”
She shook her head hard.
“…Don’t apologize.”
Her trembling hands held me even tighter.
Before guilt came the apology for making her worry, and gratitude that she had waited. And then a sudden surge of emotion.
Why?
Why did my chest feel so tight?
I didn’t know. There had been a time I was sick like this, and I had been so lonely then.
It’s warm.
This was the feeling I had truly wanted—someone staying beside me when I hurt.
“I’ll be careful… I really will.”
I tried to soothe her, but Eline’s body still shook.
Reflexively I reached out, caught her trembling frame, and pulled her in—into my arms.
"...Nnh."
The last two times had been a blur, but this time I wanted to remember it deeply. I didn’t want to let go, so I held her slender waist firmly. I didn’t want to make her worry. I didn’t want to see that expression again. I wanted to quiet the surge in my chest.
So I held her.
Eline let out a soft breath and understood the situation. Then, answering my embrace, she slowly wrapped her arms around me. Her touch was gentle, careful of my back.
In the quiet ward we simply exchanged breaths for a while, feeling each other’s warmth. Her trembling gradually faded; her breathing evened out. We stayed like that for several minutes.
Sss—
“…Lutes.”
After a brief silence her voice brushed my ear.
“What is it?”
“Does it hurt?”
Her voice was calm again as she asked.
“I’m fine.”
Hearing my answer, she exhaled as if satisfied and loosened her grip—yet she still didn’t leave my arms. The pain had already faded somewhere. With every breath, instead of harsh alcohol and herbs, Eline’s scent filled me.
I really was fine. I wanted to close my eyes and keep holding her just like this. The way her breath tickled my ear and the nape of my neck. The way her body shifted with each breath.
Just…
If only time would allow it, I could keep…
“…ke up?”
“Yes yes, he’s probably resting now—”
…!
Eline and I reflexively pulled apart. At the distant voices, reality snapped back; we stared at each other. The professor’s voice, and Romi’s.
My calm heartbeat suddenly raced.
“Uh…”
What now? Should Eline hide?
I looked at her as calmly as I could.
“Eline, first—”
Before I could finish, she seemed to find a way out of the situation and slowly turned her gaze—toward the window.
“That’s not a good idea.”
I stopped her urgently. She hadn’t said a word, but from the look in her eyes just now I wondered if she had even considered jumping.
The footsteps were drawing closer, and there was only one entrance. Better than doing something strange…
“Just… just stay.”
That was better. Thinking calmly, dating wasn’t forbidden at the Academy; as long as it wasn’t excessive public affection, people usually looked the other way. Being caught red-handed by a professor was still embarrassing, but panicking like this was unnecessary.
Eline seemed to agree; she sat on the folding chair beside the bed, putting a little distance between us. She smoothed her tousled hair and cleared her throat a few times to free her locked voice.
And then—
“Wait.”
At the last moment she reached out and plucked a strand of silver hair that had stuck to my cheek. She sat back down, took a light breath, and returned to her usual blank expression just as the curtain was drawn aside.
As expected, it was Professor Laen and Romi. The professor looked at the two of us and narrowed his brow.
“Were you talking?”
“No, sir. I was just about to leave.”
Eline stood.
“Is that so?”
Laen let it pass without further comment, as if he had no intention of pressing.
“If you’re finished, go rest quickly, Eline. Once people from the Inspection Bureau arrive it’ll only get busier.”
“Understood.”
Eline bowed and left the ward without looking back, perfectly natural.
I heard the door close behind her. The professor sat in the chair she had just vacated and set his cane beside him.
“Lutes.”
“Yes.”
He regarded me impassively.
“Next time I’ll try to arrive a little later.”
…
“…That’s all right.”