This Time At Least
After finishing the meal, I returned to Daeho’s room to finish sorting through his things. Earlier, something had come up, so I’d only managed to clear out his porn collection.
“Phew. That’s everything.”
“What about all this stuff scattered around?”
“Hmm… what should I do…”
The drawers in Daeho’s closet were already full of his clothes, so I’d taken them all out to make room for mine. And now those clothes… there was no longer any reason to keep them.
There was no way I, at over 180 centimeters, could wear anything that had belonged to Daeho, who had been around 170. Besides, the two of us had never been the type to buy clothes for the sake of memories.
“Let me ask first. Is there anything you really want to keep?”
“Nope. They were all just clothes I could wear.”
That was what Daeho said, but since Aju had picked out every single item, his wardrobe actually had decent taste. Aju had always possessed a real knack for making even cheap clothes look good.
If only they’d had the financial breathing room, she could have dressed him in even better things.
…No. I had to stop thinking like that.
“Okay. You told me to take care of your stuff anyway, so I’m throwing it all out.”
“It’s your best friend’s belongings. You’re not even going to keep one thing?”
“I don’t have a hobby of cherishing clothes soaked in another guy’s sweat.”
“Yeah, yeah. That’s exactly like you.”
Daeho snorted, curling up in a very cat-like ball, and didn’t seem particularly interested in whether I tossed the clothes or not. This was the same guy who had looked faintly regretful when I deleted his porn earlier.
“Then we’re done organizing. As for daily necessities… I’ll leave them, just in case.”
“…Hey.”
“What?”
“Open our high school graduation album.”
“What? Why all of a sudden?”
“Just open it. You’ll see.”
His refusal to give a proper explanation made me tilt my head in confusion, but I pulled out the album anyway.
Daeho and I had gone through elementary, middle, and high school together, so we were always in the same graduation photos. There had never been any reason for me to look through it.
But the moment I opened the album as he’d asked, I understood why.
“Since when?”
“After I became an adult.”
“So the whole time you were working.”
“…”
“You saved a lot. Even kept it secret from the family.”
“That kid would never have saved money for herself, so I had to do it.”
The sight of the savings passbook tucked inside the graduation album made the emotions I’d been suppressing surge up from the pit of my stomach again.
Aju-aju Precious Savings Account
“Your naming sense is absolutely hopeless.”
“What are you talking about? I named Hahu too, you know.”
“I’ve felt bad for Hahu this whole time because you won rock-paper-scissors that day.”
“Tsk. Even Aju and your parents liked it.”
“They weren’t going to openly say they hated it.”
Hahu. The name of the cat Daeho now inhabited.
Back when we’d decided to name the orphaned kitten I ended up raising, we’d agreed the winner of rock-paper-scissors would choose. This guy had won and given it that ridiculous name.
“‘Ha’ from here, the ‘h’ from An Daeho, and the ‘u’ from An Aju, all mashed together into Hahu. Why go through the trouble of combining consonants and vowels like that?”
“It was trendy back then.”
Where on earth is the trend in naming a cat…
Too dumbfounded to continue, I ignored Daeho and turned my attention back to the passbook. The savings account he had started after becoming an adult—after he began working.
He had been earning living expenses for two people by himself, so he couldn’t have deposited huge amounts, yet after three years the total had grown far more than I expected.
“…I’m going to tell Aju about this.”
“That’s why I showed you.”
There was no way I could use this money.
So I naturally headed toward Aju’s room to give her the passbook.
“You’re not coming?”
“…I’m good. It’s embarrassing.”
“Tsk. Some big brother you are.”
“It’s because I’m her brother that it’s even more embarrassing.”
It seemed Daeho had no intention of moving from this spot. Then there was nothing I could do.
Now, what should I say to Aju? I couldn’t lie to her, so I’d just tell her honestly that Daeho had shown me. I wouldn’t be lying if I didn’t specify exactly when he had told me.
Having decided on my words, I stopped in front of Aju’s door and raised my hand to knock.
But…
“…”
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even knock, let alone call her name.
Because the moment I stood there, I heard it.
“Sob… Daeho oppa…”
The sound of Aju crying that reached me only after I reached her door acted like an invisible wall, keeping me from stepping inside.
“Why… why only me… why…”
During dinner, Aju had told me that having me here made her feel safe. But that sense of safety had nothing to do with the grief of losing her entire family.
Even if my presence brought her comfort, the sorrow still remained inside her heart.
“Mom… Dad… Daeho oppa…”
Aju had lost her whole family before she even became an adult. Could I truly understand the weight of that pain?
No. I could never fully understand it. It wasn’t an emotion I had any right to claim I understood.
But—
“I was always there every time you cried.”
Whenever Aju cried, I had been by her side.
When the cat died. When her parents passed away. And even now.
I had always been next to her. And I had always made her smile.
Because I never wanted to see her cry.
Yet as I grew older, I came to realize something.
“…Aju.”
Knock, knock.
I rapped on the door of the room where she was still crying and called her name. From inside came a startled voice and the hurried sound of something being put away. Once the noise stopped, the door opened.
“Riha oppa. What is it?”
This girl must think I’m an idiot. With her eyes that red and her voice that hoarse… did she really believe I wouldn’t notice she had been crying just because she was smiling now?
…No, Aju wouldn’t think that. She simply didn’t want to worry me. We both knew that if she was crying, I would definitely worry.
Until now, whenever I had tried to make her smile while she cried, she had read my heart and smiled along with me.
But this time was different.
“…You were crying, weren’t you?”
“…No.”
“You were.”
“…”
Maybe because I had said it so directly, fresh tears began to pool in her eyes.
“Sniff.”
Once a crack appears in a dam, it only grows wider. And eventually that crack would shatter the entire wall.
“Come inside.”
“Huh? Riha oppa…!?”
I took the tearful Aju by the shoulder and gently guided her back into her room. She looked startled by the sudden contact, but she didn’t resist.
After I sat her down on the bed,
“Eh?!”
I pulled her into my arms.
…She was small. But soft. And she smelled so good.
“Sniff, sniff.”
“R-Riha oppa? Are you… smelling me right now?”
“…Sorry. I did it without thinking.”
“Huu… I haven’t even showered yet…”
It smelled this nice even though she hadn’t showered? Were Aju’s cells made of perfume?
“More importantly, why are you suddenly…”
“It’s just… it feels like every time you cried, I only ever tried to make you smile.”
“…What?”
“When you were sad… I was always by your side, wasn’t I? Back then I hated seeing you cry, so I did everything I could to make you smile instead.”
“Yes. Thanks to you, I was able to smile. I’m still grateful for that.”
“I’m thankful you say that, but… I’m sorry. I was young and didn’t understand back then.”
“…Understand what?”
That covering sadness with smiles wasn’t always the right answer.
“I heard it from Daeho once. That even though you smiled in front of me, you eventually went to Eunhye’s house and cried again. That’s when I realized… maybe smiles aren’t what truly heal sadness.”
Smiles can certainly cover it. But once that smile is peeled away, the sadness remains underneath.
“Aju, when I made that promise to your mother, I swore something to myself as well. That I would never lie to you. But actually… there’s one more oath. And that is…”
To wash the sadness away.
We call those “tears.”
“I will never cry in front of you. So I’m sorry, but… could you cry for me instead?”
“…What?”
“Because I can’t cry in front of you. I can’t wash away this grief from losing Daeho with my own tears. So I need you to cry in my place.”
I felt Aju’s body, held against mine, flinch. Then the trembling gradually grew stronger.
“That’s so mean… I was barely holding it together so you wouldn’t worry…”
“You don’t have to hold it in. Not in front of me.”
“Sniff. Seriously… Riha oppa… you’re so mean… You’re holding it in yourself… sniff… sob, sob…”
I could feel the front of my shirt growing damp. At the same time, the girl in my arms hugged me back with surprising strength.
“Riha oppa… why only me… why do I have to go through this alone… sob sob… it’s too much… it’s too much…”
“…”
Whether I liked it or not, I had plenty of experience with women. I knew that sometimes the correct response was simply to stay silent.
What a man should do in a moment like this was—
Pat, pat.
“We left that house with so much determination… sniff… Daeho oppa worked so incredibly hard!”
“…”
I simply stayed by her side, letting her know I was there, and listened.
“We… we wanted to be happy too!”
“…”
Pat, pat.
It was a scream I had never heard from her before. And with that cry, the dam that had been holding back Aju’s tears finally shattered completely.
“Why? Why, why, why!! Sob, sob… Waaaaah!!”
“…”
Cry, Aju.
If you want to smile, I’ll do everything I can to make you smile. But this time at least…
Just cry.
Let out all the sadness you’ve been holding back until now.
So that next time, you can smile with your own strength.