A Breakthrough in Life (6)
Yu Dahye answered right away in chat, which only made Park Jimin more flustered.
"·····"
I'm nervous.
He was about to do something he'd never done before, and his hands simply wouldn't move.
"Hey!"
"Uh—!"
Dahye called out to the hesitating Jimin. The stream was off, but they could still talk over Discord.
"Why call me and then say nothing?"
An irrepressible laugh was leaking through Dahye's mic.
"·····"
Jimin covered his mouth and took a deep breath. It was already a little late, but he still didn't want her catching how nervous he was.
"It's just·····"
But the words wouldn't come. It was her, after all — and what he wanted to say was no ordinary thing.
"Want me to go first, then?"
"Huh?"
Dahye beat him to it. What on earth was she about to say?
"Thank you."
"·····What?"
Her voice was softer than usual. Not being able to see her face only made it stand out more clearly.
"You raised my rank, helped so much with the stream — I never thought you'd go this far for me."
"·····"
He just kept listening in silence. He wasn't sure this was something that deserved a thank-you, really. As far as he was concerned, he'd only done what he was supposed to do·····
"Honestly, at first I kept thinking, maybe I should stop around here? But the more we did it, the greedier I got."
"Ah·····"
"Duo-ing is just so much fun, and honestly, Jimin, you carry so hard that I don't even get stressed while playing — and next thing I know, we've made it all the way here."
Just recover the LP. Get me back to where I probably would've been. Screw it, let's go all the way. Their contract-less contract kept getting extended, until the system itself — no duos above Master — finally put a stop to it.
"Looking at it now, I feel like I was being a little immature myself?"
"Haha·····"
Dahye confessed her thoughts almost as if she were talking to herself. It was so different from the usual cocky, willful Dahye that Jimin found it awkward — but since he trusted she was a good person, it didn't feel all that strange.
"I had a lot of fun too. Playing with you, Nuna····· uh, yeah. Hehe."
"I'm glad."
Jimin still wanted to say more, but if he was being honest, beyond the fact that he'd played with Dahye and shown her a good side of himself, he couldn't put into words what had truly made him happy. His rank had climbed a lot, sure — but that had never been the point to begin with.
"So what was it you wanted to say?"
"Ah·····"
A brief sweetness. But within it, Jimin had to face reality. An awkward silence stretched out. He knew this wasn't good — so he had to push through it.
"Nuna, do you think I could try streaming too?"
"What?"
"·····"
Those words had been truly hard to get out. Even while duo-ing with Dahye all day, he'd been sneaking peeks online for information in between games. The result: no clear answer. He barely understood half of what people were saying — some said never do it even if it kills you, others said start as soon as possible.
"What's that supposed to mean all of a sudden?"
"·····"
Dahye's voice had hardened compared to before.
Gulp.
Jimin instinctively swallowed dry. Streaming himself was the breakthrough for his current life that he'd more or less come up with on his own. But to end up pouring it out to her of all people. At the very least, he hadn't wanted to talk about anything connected to his real circumstances. Even so, Dahye was the only person he could ask about internet streaming. And above all, she was a proven streamer.
Of course·····
He wasn't a charming person like Dahye, so he'd never become a streamer of her scale. But even a tenth of that would be fine.
"I want to try it once too."
"Oh, for crying out loud·····"
Jimin had spoken with what he considered boldness, and Dahye's reaction didn't look particularly positive.
"How am I even supposed to put this."
A clear answer was taking its time.
"I don't really have the right to say this, but·····"
"Yes."
"Maybe you should think about it one more time?"
"Ah·····"
Dahye's tone was negative.
"I think you got dazzled seeing how many donations I get and how many people watch my streams. Not that that's a bad thing — it's natural — but it's, um·····"
Her hesitant way of speaking. Like she was scolding a child.
"No, wait — you're a high schooler to begin with. What do you mean a student wants to stream?"
"Th-that's·····"
Having found a proper justification, Dahye's previously hesitant speech sped up.
"·····"
He briefly debated whether to say it. Of course, he didn't think long.
"I have some personal circumstances."
He didn't think he had a reason to explain. And he didn't want to, either.
"Sure, you probably do."
It clearly hadn't gotten through.
"This nuna is only twenty-one, but I've been streaming for almost a year, you know? And this industry is seriously no joke. Perfectly normal people end up with mental issues and run for the hills. There are so many scary people, bad people. You don't even need to know those things exist, Jimin."
The hardships a streamer felt. If the rewards were big enough, maybe you could endure them — but not everyone who took the challenge walked away with a big harvest.
"I know better than anyone how good you are at the game, but honestly there are a ton of people who are good. Even people ranked top 200, top 100 struggle with streaming."
"·····"
Negative words, one after another. Jimin kept his mouth shut and listened.
It really is no joke, huh.
What floated around the internet was extreme in both directions, but Dahye seemed closer to the "never stream, period" camp.
But.
Even so, he couldn't back down. The place that had cast light into an otherwise invisible corner of his life was this world he'd fallen into the moment he first learned of Dahye's existence. If his friend hadn't casually shown him at the PC bang, internet streaming and streamers would have remained at the level of "I know that kind of thing exists" for the rest of his life, just like before.
"I really want to try it."
"What?"
Jimin was being stubborn, unlike his usual self. And against Dahye, no less. He needed results now. He knew full well that he was being reckless and hasty. But he had no memory of hesitating and dithering ever leading to anything good. Rather than carefully deliberating, he simply wanted his mom to suffer a little less.
"Why so badly?"
"·····That's·····"
Clench. He pressed his lips tightly shut once. Then Jimin slowly began to talk — so completely that he even forgot his gratitude for how quietly she was listening.
A single mother raising him alone. Dropping out. And all the various things that had led him to meeting Dahye. For a guy to confess the things he considered his own shame to a girl who made his heart race just from talking — that was never easy. But the survival instinct that told him he had no other choice endured the discomfort.
"Haa·····"
Having heard the whole story, Dahye let out a long sigh and said nothing more for a while.
"Yeah, this isn't a situation where I can just tell you what to do."
"I'm sorry."
"Nothing to be sorry for."
Once he'd said everything, the relief lasted only a moment — and then the guilt of having made her so uncomfortable rose up in Jimin.
"But why dump all of this on me? Honestly, who am I to you?"
"Because you're the only person I can trust·····"
"Me?"
"Yes."
No matter how he thought about it, Dahye was the only person Jimin could consult about starting an internet stream.
"How can you trust me?"
"Huh?"
Dahye was pushing back from a place Jimin hadn't expected.
"Well·····"
The answer wasn't hard.
"You trusted me too, Nuna."
To Jimin, Dahye was a good person, after all.
"I did?"
"Honestly, you could've thought I was just getting in your way, but you forgave me, and kept playing with me."
"Well, that's just····· hmm·····"
As if the words were hard to get out, Dahye held back. She kept starting to say something and then stopping.
"Fine. You're a good kid, Jimin. You're really good. So how about thinking it over for one more day?"
"Huh?"
Think it over one more day — what did that even mean?
"You've watched my streams, so you know my schedule, right? Come into Discord an hour before. Got it?"
"Yes·····"
"You really need to think about this, okay? Not just by yourself — talk to someone else too. Someone you can trust."
"Yes, I will."
It was a pretty difficult mission, but for now, he agreed.
"See you tomorrow. *cough cough!* Ugh, streaming and then talking more — my throat is killing me, damn."
"I'm sorry·····"
"Nuna doesn't normally act like this with her little brothers, okay? My personality's just a little screwed up sometimes, you know that, right? I'm out."
Dahye said what she needed to and left.
"·····"
One minute of silence.
"Haa·····"
What came at the end was pure existential hangover. Jimin clutched his head and hung it low.
"Same old me again."
A boy who already spent plenty of time regretting things felt that same emotion today. No matter how much he told himself he'd had no choice, he'd leaned on Dahye again. She was the person he didn't want to depend on — and yet he kept ending up depending on her.
"·····"
He lifted his head and opened his eyes straight ahead. Even time spent regretting was a waste now.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean."
"·····"
"Ah, and of all days, you pick today to say it."
Lee Jonghyun, meeting with Jimin, couldn't hide his bewilderment. The words themselves were absurd, and the timing was terrible too. Suddenly wanting to try internet streaming was one problem, but·····
Why not say it yesterday — why show up out of nowhere on the day he was covering a morning shift a coworker had bailed on?
"Who put you up to this?"
"It's not like that."
"·····"
Is it, though?
Jonghyun guessed this wasn't unrelated to Jimin treating him to a meal last time. But what was with that resolute look, so different from usual? Jimin looked like he'd made up his mind for real.
"Ah, well····· yeah, I know I'm usually the guy who pretends to know everything."
Jonghyun hesitated over his answer.
"I honestly don't know jack about streaming either. Sangcheol probably knows more about that side of things, but he just likes watching — he's never done it himself, so I don't know how much help he'd be."
"Yeah?"
"But you've been playing Sol nonstop — you must've gotten a lot more confident, huh?"
"Yeah. I just hit Master."
"Ah·····"
After Dahye left, Jimin had played a few games and climbed the tier. Of course he hadn't lost the solo ranked games either. It was boring without Dahye, so he'd torn the enemy champions apart to soothe the emptiness.
"That's seriously impressive."
The specialness Jonghyun felt in Jimin. It was actually clearer than what Dahye — who'd vividly experienced that force over the past few days — felt. Through a friend's eyes, he could see not only the destructive power Jimin was displaying in Sol right now, but the potential beyond it. The slightly lacking knowledge and fundamentals he'd seen at the PC bang not long ago — that was clearly the domain of human effort.
"·····"
But this wasn't something he could talk about lightly.
"I don't know either."
"I see."
Jimin hadn't come looking for a definitive answer in the first place.
"But hey, it could work out, or — ah, I don't know. Honestly, going with what you've decided yourself seems right, but····· if it's not urgent, can we just talk about this again later? I didn't mention it, but the nuna I work with called this morning saying she got drunk and couldn't come in, so my head's still not on straight."
"Oh····· I see."
Jimin had to admit — Jonghyun was a mature friend. Staying calm and talking through something this irritating.
"I'll get going."
"Already?"
"You've got to go too, right?"
"Well, yeah, but."
"Thanks. That helped."
"I don't think it helped at all·····"
Something different about his friend than usual. Jonghyun had to see him off with an unsettled feeling.
"·····"
Whether this was the right answer or not, Jimin thought as he headed home. No optimistic forecasts, no hope-circuit fantasies, no certainty — none of that. Only action.
Jimin, who showed up at the appointed time, was holding his ground.
"Can you hear me?"
"·····Yes, I can hear you fine."
When Dahye typed, Jimin replied in chat; when she spoke, he answered out loud.
"Actually, Nuna prepped a few things too."
"Prepped?"
"Yeah, um····· first of all."
What was she about to say?
"Jimin, where do you live?"
"·····"
She really was a woman you could never predict.