Chapter 3

I went to my father as if I’d been possessed by something. He didn’t seem to notice I’d come out yet; he was still scanning the other students, rubbing his hands together over and over.

Right... my father waited outside for me on the day of my CSAT.

It was a record-breaking cold snap, with the wind-chill dropping below minus 20 degrees Celsius. On a day like that, the fact that he’d waited for me couldn’t have been just because he wanted me to do well on the exam.

...

So that was it. My success, the sight of me living out my youth—was that what meant so much to him?

As I took a few steps closer, Father spoke in his usual flat, expressionless voice.

"You worked hard."

It was nothing more than a simple sentence, but for some reason, it made my chest tighten.

"Are you hungry?"

He wasn’t asking whether I’d done well on the test. He was worried about whether I was hungry first.

"No, Father. I’m not really hungry. When I went into the test center earlier, the underclassmen cheering me on gave me a lot of bread and chocolate and things, so I guess that filled me up."

"I see. You worked hard taking the test, so I was thinking we could order pizza at home after such a long time, or something like that."

I remembered. In the past, after getting disappointed that I hadn’t achieved the “CSAT jackpot” I’d imagined for myself, I’d turned down Father’s offer to order pizza because he’d gone out of his way to treat me. I’d even told him we should save the money and use it to pay down debt.

I didn’t know it back then... but maybe he was a little disappointed when I refused.

...Really? Wait, Zero, you can tell that too?

I was curious how she knew, but that wasn’t important right now.

Then this time, I’ll—

"No, Father. I want pizza. Can I choose what I want?"

"Huh? Ah, of course. Naturally. I was buying it because you worked hard for the CSAT."

Perhaps he hadn’t expected me to answer so cheerfully, because Father nodded, slightly startled. For some reason, he seemed to be watching my reaction. Was he worried I’d refuse to eat pizza again?

I didn’t know it back then... but Father had really gotten that weak, hadn’t he? Weak enough to read his son’s face like that.

I took the company bag from his hand and said, "Let’s go home, Father. It’s cold outside."

"All right. Though why are you carrying my bag—"

"I’ll carry it."

After saying that, I smiled at him. Father blinked a few times at my smile, standing there blankly for a moment, and then he gave me a faint but unmistakable smile that looked a lot like mine.

"Thank you."

The way home, I matched my pace to his.

So Father really was this short. Why did I always think he was so big?

I’d thought he was strong, but he was a truly fragile man. He’d just been forcing himself to be strong.

That thought crossed my mind.

Then, suddenly, I thought of my younger sister. Around this time... she’d have been running wild outside all day.

"Father, has Seohee come home?"

"I called your mother earlier, and it seems she hasn’t come home yet. ...Probably out somewhere with those bad kids again."

Just as I thought.

Zero. Other than me, wouldn’t Father and Mother also be happy to see Seohee grow up properly?

Then Seohee would probably need to be set straight by me too.

Hmm... later. For now, I want to focus on Father.

While I was talking with Zero, Father carefully brought something up.

"Dohyun, about the CSAT... you didn’t really get to study properly, did you? The house has been especially noisy lately. And you’ve been working part-time after school too."

"..."

"If you want to take the exam again next year, just tell me honestly. Don’t worry about money. I can’t send you to an expensive academy, but I can at least pay for a study room. You were good at studying, weren’t you."

I knew our family situation better than anyone. I knew all too well that we didn’t have the money to pay for a study room for me.

And yet he still said it anyway, because he felt that guilty about me.

I said to Father, "Don’t worry, Father. I did well on the CSAT."

"...What?"

"I said I did well. Well enough to get into a good university without retaking it. So you don’t need to pay for a study room."

At my words, Father said nothing for a moment, then let out a sigh and continued, "I... I see. Do whatever you want."

Huh? It looked like Father thought I was lying.

Like he thought I was saying I wouldn’t retake the exam because I was trying to be considerate of the family’s finances.

Well... I guess that would be the natural conclusion. Father knows how I spent high school.

So I smiled and said, "Father, actually, after my part-time job I came home at night and studied in secret. I studied hard at school too."

"...You did?"

"Yes. That’s why I really did well on the CSAT. I mean it."

Only after I repeated myself did Father’s expression brighten a little again. Still, he didn’t ask, “How well did you do?”

Apparently, to Father, the brightness of my voice mattered more than my actual score.

"Then I’ll even pay your tuition."

"You don’t need to worry about tuition either. I think I can ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠get an entrance scholarship."

"A scholarship? Ha... just how well did you think you did on the test?"

I heard Father laugh for the first time in a long while. It was more of a dry chuckle, but still.

Looking at his face, I could tell he thought I was half-serious and half-joking.

I met his eyes straight on—though because of our height difference, I was really looking down at him—and said, "I think I got everything right."

"...?"

Father stopped walking.

We made it home. Our semibasement apartment smelled stale and damp.

Coming back here makes it feel real. That I really did regress.

Just then, Mother came out of the room.

"You’re home, Dohyun? You worked hard taking the test. Are you hungry?"

"..."

It was my mother. Like Father, she looked so much smaller and more fragile than I remembered.

The face that had once been soft and clean now carried wrinkles and cracked skin, and her hands, injured from working in the restaurant, were covered with bandages. A patch I didn’t know when she’d stuck it on was hanging loose over her shoulder.

"...Mother."

Thud—

Before I knew it, I was hugging her. I’d barely held myself back when I saw Father, but I couldn’t keep it in anymore.

"W-what? What’s wrong with you all of a sudden?"

"..."

"Dohyun, did something happen?"

Even while startled, Mother patted my back. Her touch was so small, so weak. I took a deep breath and somehow kept my eyes from getting wet before speaking.

"Nothing. I just took the CSAT, and I suddenly felt so grateful."

"Grateful? For what?"

"Just because. Haha."

With an awkward laugh, I headed toward my room and said, "Father, then I’m going to check my answers."

"Huh? Ah, yes, yes. Take your time, huh? Take your time, all right?"

"Okay."

As I went to my room, I heard Mother speak quietly to Father, watching my face.

"What’s wrong with Dohyun? Did something happen?"

"Well... he says he seems to have done pretty well on the CSAT. No, not pretty well. A lot better than that."

"What does that mean? ‘Seems to have done pretty well’?"

"Exactly... Hah. Right."

"Why are both my son and my husband acting strange all of a sudden?"

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

Listening to the two of them, I said before going into the room, "Father, Mother. Do you want to watch me do a rough score check together?"

Wuuuuuuuung...!!

The computer in my room was powering on. The harsh whirring of the fan was also strangely nostalgic.

"..."

"..."

Behind me, sitting on the dining chairs they’d dragged over to my desk, were Father and Mother. I couldn’t see their faces, but they were probably wearing expressions that were half anticipation and half worry.

It took a long time just for the computer to boot up. And then it took another eternity just to get the internet going.

The portal search page showed the trending searches.

1. CSAT answer release

2. Worst CSAT difficulty ever

3. CSAT director’s name

4. Math Type A grade cutoff

5. CSAT grade cutoff

6. How to check your rough CSAT score

...

10. Giving up on Korean from the CSAT onward

As expected on exam day, every single trending search was related to the CSAT. I clicked the number one search, “CSAT answer release,” and downloaded the answer sheet.

Wuuuuung—!

...The computer screamed over the mere download of an answer file.

We’ll need to replace the computer too.

By the time another long while had passed and the download finally finished, I pulled the rough score sheet out of my bag and said, "I’m going to check."

"G-go ahead. Let’s see it."

"Dohyun, even if you missed a lot, it’s okay... you know?"

Father’s voice was full of expectation, and Mother’s was full of worry and ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠tension.

I started grading. I’d gotten everything right anyway, but it was still important to show them.

Scratch— scratch— scratch— scratch~.

It was a string of circles. As I graded, I sneaked a look at my parents’ faces, and both of them were watching my grading even more intently than I was.

Every time I drew a circle, their expressions brightened. Every time I paused to check an answer, their faces stiffened. Then I’d circle it, and they’d brighten again.

So these were people who could make so many different expressions after all. I felt happy.

"And the last question... number four, correct."

"..."

"..."

"I got the second foreign language section right too."

At my words, Mother and Father looked back and forth between the rough score sheet and each other’s faces. Their expressions said they simply couldn’t believe it.

"I told you, didn’t I? I said I did well."

"N-no... you did say that, but. How...?"

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

"Why? Is it strange that your son did well on the test?"

"No, it’s not strange, but... it’s strange, isn’t it? A perfect score."

Father had broken down.

"D-Dohyun. You really got them all right, didn’t you? You didn’t mark them on the wrong line, did you?"

"Mark them on the wrong line...? Mother, do I seem that untrustworthy to you?"

"No, it’s not that I don’t trust you, but... it’s just hard to believe, a perfect score."

Mother had broken down too.

I looked blankly at the two of them and said, "Father, Mother. From now on, our family is going to do well. I’m going to make sure of it."

"..."

"..."

"Starting next year... no, even from next week, a lot of things are going to change. So let’s live happily from here on out as a family. And the people who’ve hurt us, the people who have bullied us—I’ll make sure we get even with them."

There was a lot wrapped up in what I’d said. And beneath it all, there was certainty.

But perhaps because Mother and Father didn’t fully understand the meaning of my words, they simply smiled brightly and replied, "Right, Dohyun. If you got a perfect score on the CSAT, of course you should go far! So is Dohyun going to Korea University? Have you thought about your major? More importantly, I need to call Grandma at work tomorrow... no, I should call her right away!"

"Dohyun, Dohyun. I heard this at the restaurant where Mom works, but lately science students have been crossing over into humanities majors a lot. Big companies like Seongsam and Daehyun are hiring more humanities students these days. Even if science majors get jobs, they end up in factories, but if you graduate in business administration or something like that, you can get hired into a management planning office? One of those places where people wear suits, they say."

They had a lot to say now. I was so happy. Our house had always been as quiet as a tomb, and the only time it ever got noisy was when the two of them fought about money.

...Zero, I think I know why. Why I regressed.

Thanks.

After answering Zero, I stood up.

"I’m going out for a short walk."

"A walk? All of a sudden?"

"Yes. Just around the neighborhood. Oh, and order the pizza from Master Pizza—a cheese crust. There should be a promotional booklet on the dining table, and there’ll probably be a discount coupon in it too."

"Ah, okay! ...What was it Dohyun said? ‘Cheese cr—’?"

Father couldn’t quite get the menu name right, so Mother chimed in with half-teasing mischief in her voice.

"‘Cheese crust.’ You don’t even know that? And you think you can go around telling people you’re the father of a perfect CSAT scorer?"

"What does that have to do with anything? I’m allowed not to know."

Leaving behind their humble, happy argument, I stepped out of the house.

Before I knew it, a smile had spread across my face.

The weather outside was cold, but it felt warm.

Tap, tap.

There were a lot of convenience stores near my place. That was only natural in a neighborhood full of low-rise villas.

I went into the nearest one and stood in front of the lottery display.

Zero, you know what I’m going to ask, right?

I marked the six numbers Zero called out without hesitation.

How many tickets should I buy? As many as possible?

Games?

I was tempted to use all the money I had on Lotto tickets, but I held back.

Zero must have had a reason for warning me.

Scratch, scratch.

I wrote down five sets of winning numbers.

With a perfect CSAT score, I’d built my personal credentials. Now it was time to start piling up money for real.

My youth was only beginning now.