Pinned Down (2)
A human exposed to violence so overwhelming cannot forget it. Not ever.
Trapped inside a private world packed with blood and viscera, they no longer dare to step outside.
Recovery to something like ordinary life becomes nothing more than a dream.
Even if they miraculously claw their way out of that inner prison, all that remains are broken relationships and a body that has been ruined beyond repair.
That is what war is.
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I’d been too careless.
As I lay on the bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling, I muttered it to myself.
I’d assumed, naturally, that I’d be fine.
I already knew there was something loose inside my head after coming back, but I never dreamed that something as simple as playing a game would reduce me to this.
Come to think of it, it really was madness.
I’d practically taken the memories and nightmares that had been gnawing at me between the seams of daily life and played them back with my own two hands.
"...What now."
Right after clearing the mission, I’d been drained dry and ended the stream without thinking about the aftermath at all.
The viewers, who had no idea what the hell was going on, were surely confused out of their minds.
Just thinking about the cleanup when I turned the stream back on next time made my head ache already.
No, more than that—was I even going to be able to keep streaming at all?
Given my condition, did I need to give up game streaming completely?
I was swept along by one worry after another, tossed this way and that for what felt like an age.
I was sprawled out in frustration, doing nothing but staring at the ceiling, when someone knocked on the door.
"Leader, may I come in?"
"Come in."
I answered in a voice heavy with fatigue, and Iris carefully opened the door.
With a low sound, the bright light from the living room cast a yellow wedge across the ceiling before disappearing again.
The soft tread of footsteps drew closer, and before long a head of pure white hair entered my field of vision.
When I slowly turned my gaze, a pair of ruby-red eyes, glittering like jewels, came into view.
In the dim room, Iris was looking at me with obvious concern.
"What happened earlier this afternoon? I heard the leader's voice from the living room by accident."
"...Nothing happened."
I brushed her question off carelessly and turned my back on her, even as she sat on the edge of the bed.
I had too much to think about, and I was already exhausted.
More than anything, I didn’t want to make my precious comrade worry.
But apparently she had no intention of letting me off that easily, because Iris suddenly grabbed my hand and said in a troubled voice, "Leader, your hand is cold. Are you hurt somewhere? Should I go to the nearest pharmacy?"
Her concern for me was genuine, honest to a fault, and in the end I decided to wave the white flag.
If I didn’t surrender now, she’d just camp out by my bed until I gave her the answer she wanted.
"I’m just tired. Don’t worry about it."
"Ah..."
After hesitating over my words for a moment, she opened her mouth again, uncertain.
"Then, if it’s all right, I could stay by your side and..."
But she couldn’t bring herself to finish the sentence, and took a half-step back instead.
I turned my head and asked Iris, whose face was so red it was visible even in the dark, "Why?"
"...No, it’s nothing."
The moment I saw that expression, I had a pretty good idea what she wanted.
Before, back when Iris had been at her worst mentally—
she had been consumed by guilt and self-loathing, suffering every night.
And if she couldn’t sleep properly, of course she wouldn’t be any good in battle the next day.
After thinking it over, the solution I’d come up with had been to let her use me as a pillow when it was time to sleep.
Whether Iris hugged me to sleep or rested her head on my lap.
After a few weeks of that, she’d regained her stability.
She was probably remembering those days now, and wanted to repay me by doing the same for me.
"Sorry for troubling you. I’ll get going now..."
"And where exactly do you think you’re going?"
"...Pardon?"
As that thought reached me, mischief rose up for no good reason, and I snatched her wrist just as she started to get up.
She froze, unable to react to my sudden movement, and I pulled her straight toward me.
Thump—
"...Eh?"
A dazed sound escaped Iris’s lips as she ended up lying face-to-face with me.
The way her face was turning red in real time was a sight to behold.
To hide the smile threatening to spill out, I buried my face in her chest.
The warmth that came through with her frantic heartbeat eased the heaviness that had been hanging over me.
"I’m just going to stay like this for a bit. I’m tired, that’s all. Tired."
"Ah, um... are you all right...?"
"Hm?"
"Is it really all right... for me to let you sleep while holding me...?"
Her question came out stammering, nerves making her trip over every other word. I thought about it for a moment, then buried my face back against her and answered, "Because it’s you, it’s fine."
"...!"
At my final words, Iris turned into a complete stone statue.
Though I had the distinct impression she’d misunderstood something.
I poked her cheek with a finger and said playfully, "I can trust you, right? Besides, it’s not like this is the first time we’ve fallen asleep holding each other. Why are you so surprised now?"
"Ah... yes..."
Only then did some of the tension drain from Iris’s body, which had been rigid as a wooden doll.
Thanks to that, it became a lot easier for me to hold her.
Without hesitating, I wrapped my arms around her body and closed my eyes.
"Then stay like this for a little while. Just until I fall asleep."
"...Understood."
Iris flinched every time my body shifted, but before long she seemed to calm down, her breathing settling into an even rhythm.
Thanks to that, I was able to enjoy human warmth for the first time in a while and sink into a deep sleep.
Tonight was strangely warmer than usual.
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.
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"..."
In the quiet room, where only Seong-hyeon’s steady breathing drifted through the air, Iris—who had somehow become Seong-hyeon’s sleeping pillow—forced herself to stay rational as she retraced the day in her mind.
She had cleaned and done laundry in place of Seong-hyeon, who had gone into his room from early morning.
Curious, she had lingered near the door and listened to Seong-hyeon’s voice from inside, but had gotten nowhere.
After killing time by idly fiddling with her phone for a while, noon came, and she boiled some ramen, intending to call Seong-hyeon over—but then she had to stop herself from knocking on the door.
'Fuck!'
The rough curse that came from beyond the door.
'Aaaaaagh!!!'
And then, a little later, the shout that rang out after it.
Iris remembered that Seong-hyeon had once talked about wanting to do internet streaming after he was discharged.
When she was worn down from being buried in combat, she and her comrades used to picture the future waiting for them after the war ended.
But the voice coming from beyond that door was not the sound of someone living in a home that was supposed to be the safest, most comfortable place in the world.
It was wild.
The kind of voice you heard on the battlefield, where life and death hung on a single choice, a single mistake.
The voice that had once echoed across war zones was coming from the other side of that door.
If it hadn’t been for the instructions Seong-hyeon had given her in advance, she would have kicked the door in and checked on him several times over.
That was how much fear and confusion there had been in the shouts and curses he’d thrown out.
So Iris waited.
She sat at the dining table and waited until the room went quiet.
She threw away the ramen that had gone soggy before she could even touch it with chopsticks, and drank cold water with an anxious heart.
She knew it too.
What changes a human being undergoes when they’ve been exposed to war.
What pain they suffer.
Most soldiers suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder after war.
Being the man who was the goal of her life, her idol, her benefactor, and above all the one she loved most in the world didn’t make him any different.
No matter how much of a veteran he was, no matter that he had come from a special operations unit, in the end his inner self was just an ordinary human being.
Even she was tormented now and then by phantom sensations and nightmares that came back whenever she almost forgot them.
But it was still bearable.
Because Seong-hyeon was by her side.
Because the man who affirmed that she had done the right thing was waiting on the other side of that door.
She could wait.
And so time passed, until the sun had begun to sink.
She knocked on the now-silent door, which had grown quiet at some point, and received permission to come in.
The moment she saw Seong-hyeon lying on the bed, she instinctively realized he had suffered some kind of mental pain.
But she did not say it aloud.
Iris tried hard to change the subject, and the leader, having noticed her intention, simply reassured her that he was only tired.
What a kind person, she thought.
And when such a person was wavering the most, she thought of herself as trash for secretly harboring sinful feelings.
What happened after that was too sudden for her memory to remain clear.
Overwhelmed by self-disgust, Iris had tried to leave, and Seong-hyeon had stopped her.
He asked her to stay and watch over him as he slept, and told her he could trust her because she was the one standing there.
Because it was her.
Because it was her.
Because it was her.
Because it was me.
Because it was Iris.
Iris did not even want to imagine what kind of expression she was making right now.
Without a doubt, she was probably flushed bright red with excitement, looking utterly pathetic.
Gulp.
Iris struggled to swallow the sticky saliva clinging to her mouth.
And then, with trembling fingers, she brushed the cheek of the man she loved more than anything in the world.
"...!!!!"
It was only the tips of her fingers touching his cheek.
It was only that much—surely only that much.
"Hhng..."
Overcome by the pleasure and forbidden thrill crawling up her spine, Iris clapped a hand over her mouth and twisted her body from side to side.
Her knees went weak, and as if soaked in something wet and treacherous, her eyes grew hazy while her body shuddered for a long time.
"Haa... haa..."
After a while, her body, which had been kicking wildly on its own, finally regained control.
"Leader... leader... leader..."
But the loosened tether on her reason would not return.
The beast with its leash unfastened had already begun to run wild.
"Ahh..."
Slowly, Iris pulled Seong-hyeon’s body closer and savored his scent.
"...!!!"
Silent cries broke out again and again.
Doing everything she could not to wake Seong-hyeon in her arms, she stayed faithful to her desire, and that summer night stretched on, long and hot beyond reason.