Chapter 4
After cutting off the VoiceCode connection, I sat there for a moment, staring at the monitor screen. Han Taemin... Out of all the students in the class, who would've thought I'd end up in the same group as Taemin oppa. The heavens are truly cruel. Or maybe it's the professor who's being harsh.
The thought of seeing Taemin oppa's face all the way until the end of the semester already had me feeling down in the dumps.
"Haa..."
Leaning my chair all the way back, I gazed up at the ceiling.
"Get it together, Kim Doa."
It's been months already—why was I still hung up on this? Even after splashing cold water on my face with both hands, the emotions I'd buried deep inside for so long wouldn't wash away.
There had been a time like that. A time when I thought that if I could just have a dreamlike romance with someone like Taemin oppa, I could give up streaming altogether.
A time when I'd lie awake at night, imagining how wonderful it would be to walk across campus together, sharing that sweet, enviable love.
But Taemin oppa was a wall to me. Not a door—a wall.
The moment I realized the person I wanted to knock on wasn't a door but a wall, all my expectations shattered pathetically. The fragments that fell pierced my heart, leaving a bitter wound.
...It was bittersweet. No, actually, maybe it was for the best. Thanks to that, I'd been able to grit my teeth and throw myself even harder into streaming.
I'd come to think that the only ones who could love someone as flawed as me were my room viewers, so to repay them, I'd turned on streams nonstop and planned content relentlessly.
Confirming once more that the VoiceCode was disconnected, I started singing the song I'd been practicing just moments ago again.
"Warm sunlight. That dazzling smile."
My skills were lacking, of course. Sure, it wasn't so bad that no normal person would listen to a cover song, but compared to the other candidates for the project I was prepping, it fell short.
When I heard a real musical theater actress had auditioned, I was floored. Why is an actual singer showing up to a virtual idol open audition?
But it wasn't like the industry judged solely on singing. For virtual idols, concept and character were key, and broadcasting sense was a major factor listed in the recruitment guidelines.
"I can do this. I can do this."
Shaking my head to chase away thoughts of Taemin oppa, I dove back into practicing the song for the final audition with renewed vigor.
Kim Doa... Kim Doa... Kim Doa...
Scrolling down my phone to find the last message thread with Doa, I dug up a chat buried so deep it was on the verge of being archived.
"Our last conversation..."
The moment I saw it, cold sweat started beading on my forehead—or at least, that's how it felt.
No way. Why did I have to talk like such a jerk?
It wasn't much different from how I talked with my guy friends, but imagining it as a chat with Luca made it feel incredibly rude. It wasn't even a gender thing. That's just my dry texting style.
Come to think of it, I'd set it up like that and then ghosted her at 3... I couldn't bear to look at the screen anymore.
To someone who might be Luca... I did this atrocity...
Should I just end it all?
But I didn't know back then. The situation was totally different from now. From my experience, if I carved out time to meet a girl one-on-one or hang out privately, they'd always cross the line and want something more serious.
And honestly, I figured Doa was no different. She'd basically said she wanted a serious relationship with me too.
It wasn't like my approach needed fixing—it was just that I'd hurt Luca with my own hands...
"I'm such an idiot..."
All sorts of negative emotions gnawed at me. It felt like every depression in the world crashed over me like waves.
There was only one prayer left I could offer.
"Yeah... Doa might not be Luca..."
Maybe I'd just deluded myself, overanalyzing everything and deciding Doa was Luca. Yeah... if Doa wasn't Luca, everything could go back to normal...
To deny reality, I had to find proof that Luca wasn't Doa.
And finding that evidence wasn't so hard.
An hour before class started, I watched Luca's stream while organizing all the info I'd noted down about her.
Luca's favorite snacks. Veggies she hates. Her top ice cream flavor at that famous chain. Music she's been jamming to lately.
Luca always had a lot of casual chit-chat time before diving into games or main content, so this stuff was easy to pick up.
Just the stream from the day before yesterday—she'd talked about the drama she'd recently binge-watched and loved.
I figured bringing up the drama would steer the conversation naturally without raising suspicion, so I'd pulled an all-nighter to catch up to the latest episode.
If she said she hadn't seen it or didn't know it, then Doa wasn't Luca.
I was originally a Han, so my attendance number was always at the back—usually I'd slip into the lecture hall right when my name was called. Not today.
"What? You're not late for once."
Yunje, the club diehard sitting in the back, greeted me with mock surprise.
"Shut up."
"No, seriously—you always time it perfectly to your name."
"Bus came early today, that's all."
This was our first offline class since VoiceCode. We had to sit in groups, so with my back to Yunje, I craned my neck looking for Doa...
"Han Taemin!"
Our group leader Junseok waved me over.
"Yeah, coming."
Minji, Junseok, Doa—all lined up in a row. Naturally, the spot next to Doa on the outer end was mine.
Even after I arrived, Doa didn't glance my way. Her dark brown hair hung like a curtain, hiding her face.
"Oppa! Hi~"
Minji greeted me, and only then did Doa peek over slightly.
But no matter how I looked at her... Could this girl really be Luca?
The badass otaku specialist Luca I knew from streams and the Doa in front of me now— the temperature difference was way too extreme.
The Doa in my memory wasn't bubbly at all. I hadn't talked to her much or heard stories about her, but from what I'd seen, she seemed super passive.
"...Hi."
Anyone could tell she was uncomfortable talking to me. Totally normal reaction, though. I wouldn't be laughing it up with a girl who'd ditched me either.
Still, I needed to steer the talk my way before class started... Junseok and Minji were chatting away. Doa just stared down at her desk.
If I said something, it'd be a one-on-one with Doa—and that wasn't easy.
How many times had I ever initiated a convo with a girl on purpose?
"...Doa."
I couldn't just clam up forever, so I called her name in the gentlest tone I could muster.
"Yes?"
She turned to me, looking a bit surprised I'd used her name.
"Uh... y'know... that thing..."
Why was my mind blanking? My plan was drama talk, but some weird question popped out instead.
"You like banana milk?"
"Pardon?"
"Y'know... banana milk. The chubby kind."
I realized too late I should've led into the prosecutor drama, but whatever—this counted as investigation too.
Luca always chugged one at the start of every stream.
"Oh... yeah. I like it."
"Low-fat?"
Luca always stressed low-fat. Said it felt fresher. Honestly, to me it all tasted the same, but apparently not to her.
"I only drink the low-fat kind."
Doa answered dutifully, but her face screamed, Why do you care?
I didn't react, so she tilted her head.
Tongue-tied as I was, I felt this compulsion to keep talking and blurted more nonsense.
"But I was thinking—does low-fat really help you lose weight? Seems kinda useless."
Minji, who'd been listening quietly, chimed in.
"Oppa, Doa's on a diet lately—that's why."
...Luca never explained it that far to her fans.