A Boring Day
An ordinary afternoon, no different from any other.
And I was in the middle of a truly horrific situation.
"So this is... what I mean is, right now..."
The position was a mess. If I wanted to claw my way out of it, what I had to do was—
Clack.
"Huh?"
No way.
I slammed my hand down on the board. That was checkmate?! I rubbed my eyes and checked the board again and again, but there was no arguing with it. A perfect, airtight defeat.
How. How does it even end up like this.
I turned toward Unit 1, shaking. The smug little thing puffed out her chest—no, her ribcage—and taunted me with it.
The record now stood at zero wins, thirteen losses. I'd slathered on every handicap I could think of just to scrape out a single victory: takebacks, removing pieces, forcing her to skip turns. She won anyway. Again.
Why is a pile of bones better at chess than I am? I went to all that trouble making the board and the pieces, and I can't even make it a contest. Then again, she could read books in an age like this. Unit 1 had always been a sharp one.
"Ugh, forget it, forget it! I'm done!"
My mood thoroughly ruined, I flipped the chessboard I'd worked so hard to make and sent the whole thing crashing over.
Unit 1 gave me the sidelong look of a parent regarding a precious, hopeless child, then quietly set about putting the mess back in order without a word. Now and then she paused, as if replaying the game she'd just won.
How much better are you planning to get? I glared at her with everything I had. She didn't so much as glance my way. I gave up, let out a long sigh, and hauled myself to my feet.
"Haaah. Fine. Whatever..."
You just keep at it and become a chess grandmaster. I am never playing you again.
Leaving Unit 1 behind, I collapsed onto the old single-seat sofa, and in no time the Unit 2s came swarming in to wrap themselves around me. Soft. It really did feel like lying in a bed, and that drowsy heaviness was nice. They ran cool, too, so the chill was pleasant—like being tucked under a blanket fresh out of the wash.
It would have been perfect if I could just soak in the comfort and take a nap. Shame I'd ended up in a body that couldn't sleep, and little happinesses like that were off the table. Seriously, why can't I sleep? They say sleep is the rest the brain takes. Do the undead not even need to rest their brains?
Still. I had another way to enjoy a situation like this.
Clap, clap.
"Unit 2. Cola."
"Eeng-eeng!"
The moment I gave the order, a few of the Unit 2s were drafted under Unit 2-1's command and toddled off toward the kitchen. What they brought back was a cola-flavored drink Unit 3 had made from plants dug up last time. I'd meant to let Evelyn try it, but the stuff turned out to be poisonous, so I couldn't offer it to anyone else. A tragic beverage. Which meant I had no choice but to drink all of it myself.
"Eeng-ee-eeng!"
"Yeah. Thanks."
I took the glass from the Unit 2 that had come back with it balanced, full to the brim, on its head, and took a sip. It didn't have the bite of something straight out of a fridge, but it had been kept somewhere cool, so it was refreshing enough in its own way. It had been sitting a while, though. The fizz was almost completely gone. I'd have to dig up more ingredients later.
Even so, this was miles better than the old days, when there was nothing to enjoy at all. Haaah. If I just had a phone right now, that would be perfect. At this point I'd be happy staring at the home screen.
"Hmm..."
But you can't have what you don't have. Cola in hand, I sank deeper into the sofa and watched the garden, where Unit 3 was growing plants. The sight of them racing through sprout, flower, and fruit was novel enough in its way... and not fun at all. I was only watching because there was nothing else to look at. Did I really think this would be entertaining? If I'd turned on the TV in my past life and found this on, I would have changed the channel immediately. Honestly, the commercials were probably more interesting.
"I'm bored."
Maybe I should call out Hellfire and just stare into the fire. No. She'd burned too long last night and seemed worn out. Better leave her be.
That was when it happened.
"Drinking that weird boiled poison-weed water again?"
"Ah—!"
Evelyn, whom I hadn't seen in a while, appeared with a worried look and snatched the cola right out of my hand. What are you, my mom?
"Ira. I told you one glass a day."
"Th-this is the first one..."
"Really? Should I ask Unit 1?"
"......"
I shot Unit 1 a sharp look, but she was apparently more afraid of Evelyn than of me. She immediately held up three finger bones and turned her head away.
"Looks like you had three."
"...Th-that's..."
Unit 1. You and I are going to have words later.
And so all I could do was watch as my stolen cola was mercilessly poured down the garden drain. Aaah, that precious stuff! I was savoring it!
"You didn't have to throw it away..."
"Even an undead accumulates toxicity once it's been ingested. You may not be affected by poison plants, but if you drink that often, something is going to go wrong."
"...I understand."
Damn it. I wanted to argue, but I didn't actually know how undead worked in this world, so I couldn't. So it wasn't total, unconditional poison immunity after all? Still, no matter how bad it was for me, I was not giving up cola. If I'd been that worried, I wouldn't have touched soda in my past life either. I'd just be careful when Evelyn was around. If I drank it in secret, how would she know? Of course, I couldn't let Unit 1 see me either. Today's little incident had made it very clear she was not on my side.
"So. The festival. Have you thought about it?"
"......"
Only now did Evelyn get around to why she'd come to the mansion again. Of course it was that. The festival was tomorrow.
The festival. Right...
From what I'd heard, it wasn't a bad offer. The truth was, boredom had me halfway out of my mind. Why else would I be playing chess with a skeleton—chess I'd never once played in my past life? I was curious what a festival in this world even looked like. From Evelyn's description, it sounded surprisingly well put together for a village this size. They were even bringing in famous performers from outside.
But I had a much bigger obstacle than that. As I've said, I have severe social anxiety. Crowds are the last thing I want. The last time I'd gone anywhere like that was boot camp. And I had no idea how the villagers would take the way I looked now. The point was, I resembled Ira Elysia closely enough that Evelyn had mistaken me for her. I didn't know what the Elysia house had done in the past, but she'd said herself there were bound to be people who hated the family on principle.
Evelyn claimed that if I kept my face hidden under the robe, most of it would be fine. I wasn't naive enough to take that at face value. I know myself. I know I'm not that kind of all-right person. Even with my face hidden under a robe, even hiding behind the anonymity of the internet, just pretending I was fine—pretending I was okay—was already more than I could manage. That's why I can never take someone's kindness as kindness. I'm always convinced some twisted desire, some hidden intention, is lurking underneath.
Evelyn was no exception. From the start, she had me confused with Ira Elysia. She was good to me not because I was me, but because I was Ira Elysia. The person inside that shell was nothing but weak and pathetic, and I was terrified of being found out. Even after falling into a world where no one knew what I really was, other people were still frightening. I didn't know if I could enjoy a festival in this state.
But...
"...Yes. I'll go."
In the end, I couldn't refuse Evelyn, bright-eyed and eager, urging me to come. If I really were the Ira she thought I was, I wouldn't have turned her down. She was looking at someone else through me and expecting whatever she pleased, and I couldn't bring myself to betray that expectation. I was afraid of damaging what we had any further.
The truth was, my relationships had been wrecked long before I fell into this world. Maybe that was why I wanted to hold on, even to a relationship built on a lie.
...Getting this worked up over one invitation to a festival. I really am a weird one. I know.
"I'm so glad you said yes! It'll be fun. I promise."
"Ahaha... yes."
Ugh. Just thinking about it was already exhausting. The kind of people who ask why you can't just go out and see someone if you're bored—Evelyn was clearly one of them. She had no idea what went on in the head of someone as withdrawn as me.
Heavens, please let it rain tomorrow. Give me a downpour I can blame while I roll around the mansion. The roof was fully repaired now, so even a torrent wouldn't be a problem.
A far bigger problem was waiting for me, though, and I didn't see it coming at all.
"Then we should get you ready for the festival. How about a bath first?"
"...What? A bath?"
Out of nowhere? Thanks to the Unit 2s, I was always spotless, not a speck of grime on me. But what Evelyn said next made me go a little stiff.
"I haven't brought it up until now, but... you smell. Just a tiny bit."
"Wh-what?"
I actually smell?