96. The Story of Snow White (2)
96. The Story of Snow White (2)
[Episode 96] - Snow White Story (2)
Returning to age one was fine, but honestly, there was little I could do at this age. At most, I could throw tantrums at the maids or babble.
However, baby tantrums are quite effective. If I just cried, the maids or ladies-in-waiting would figure out what I wanted. So, approaching Mother was quite easy.
...When I saw Mother's face for the first time, I didn't cry a tantrum-cry for the maids; I truly wept. It was the first time I saw the face I had only ever seen in portraits.
It was a face that looked exactly like mine. To the point where I wondered if this was what I would look like as an adult. Red eyes embroidered beneath hair as black as ebony. It was Mother, looking haggard.
It seems it was true that she was sick. The room was filled with the smell of medicine and the musty scent peculiar to the sick. Seeing Mother looking out the window with melancholy eyes, I made a vow.
That in this twelfth life, I would live for Mother. In this life, I would save my mother, Aurora. Honestly, I had an inkling as to why Mother was sick. No, I would have been an idiot not to know.
The person preparing Mother's medicine was one of Vivian's lackeys. Having died about eleven times, I had identified all of Vivian's lackeys hiding in the royal castle. Finding the culprit was easy.
From then on, I moved with precision. I would scream until my throat gave out if I wasn't by Mother's side, and I threw every toy around me at the pharmacist who prepared Mother's medicine.
So, the maids all found it strange. Why was I, a baby, acting so weird whenever the pharmacist came? Just making them suspicious was enough. The maids handled the rest.
'It's a big problem that the Princess dislikes the pharmacist... Why does she scream until she cries whenever the pharmacist comes? Is it because she dislikes the smell of medicine coming from the pharmacist?'
'That can't be it. She was quiet when the doctor who came to diagnose the Princess and other pharmacists visited. She only acts like that with the Queen-nim's assigned pharmacist.'
'Why on earth...?'
The maids who had been watching my strange behavior suspected the pharmacist just as I expected, and that suspicion spread to everyone's ears like ripples caused by a stone thrown into a calm lake.
The Head Maid heard the rumors, suspected the pharmacist, and began listening to other pharmacists' opinions. I don't know what happened to that pharmacist after that, but they never showed their face in Mother's room again.
Instead, a pharmacist Father found himself prepared the medicine for Mother, and Mother slowly began to regain her health. By the time I turned five, Mother's body had improved enough for her to even go for walks.
Like that, Mother regained her health. So healthy that she could even appear in public. Seeing Mother healthy made me happy, too. Finally, it felt like Mother would look at me.
...Right, the truth is, Mother didn't look at me until I turned five. She didn't even try to make eye contact. As soon as I started walking, she sent me away, saying she didn't want to share a room.
Back then, I just thought it was because she was sick. You know? Usually, when you're sick, you're the important one, not others, right? So I thought Mother wasn't looking at me because of that.
Really, I believed that would be the case.
...I guess I hadn't died enough back then.
I found out later, but Mother had no interest in me. It wasn't that she disliked or hated me; she just had no interest at all. The only thing Mother loved was Father.
She had no interest in me, who was born between the two of them. Even if I chattered like a baby bird beside her all day, or followed her around like a chick following its parent, Mother had no interest in me.
And so, when I turned six. Mother asked me to sleep with her for the first time. She told me to come into her bedroom, and I was so happy that I didn't know what to do at the fact that I would be sleeping with Mother for the first time.
The fact that I would be sleeping with Mother, whom I had only dreamed of, made me so happy. I even prepared a fairy tale book to ask Mother to read to me and went to Mother's bedroom. Even though I was past the mental age to read fairy tales...
Listening to a fairy tale book from Mother was my small dream. My dream was to lie in the same bed, lie down with Mother, and fall asleep listening to a fairy tale. Quite a trivial and cute dream, right?
I knocked on Mother's bedroom door, and Mother told me to come in. Seeing Mother already lying in bed waiting for me, I smiled brightly and climbed onto the bed too.
When I lay on the bed, how happy I was to feel Mother's warmth just like that. I wondered if this is how a chick feels when brooded by a hen, and laughter came out before I knew it.
I asked Mother to read me the fairy tale book, but Mother refused, saying she wasn't feeling well. It's a shame, but what could I do? I didn't want to be a bad daughter who throws a tantrum when Mother says she's sick.
I was just happy to be by Mother's side. I liked being under the blanket where I could feel Mother's warmth. I was happy just by the fact that I could hear Mother's breathing beside me.
But, why?
I suddenly felt like I was suffocating and struggled. Even when I opened my eyes, it was dark, and something was pressing down on me hard, making it impossible to breathe. I couldn't even speak, just flailed my arms and legs.
Even though I tried to scream for help, I lacked the breath. I grabbed the arm of whoever was pressing on my face and scratched it hard with my fingernails. Save me, please save me. I was wrong.
However, the more I did, the more the thing pressing on my face squeezed me even harder. As time dragged on, it started to choke my neck, too. Die, please die. You must die.
In that fading consciousness, I heard it clearly.
'Why were you even born. Because of you, he...!'
Mother's voice, as if lamenting my existence.
Only then did I realize my mistake.
Why I had to suffer this.
Why I had to die like this.
The only time Mother took an interest in me was when Father loved me. Because of his position as King, Father couldn't meet me and Mother often. He would visit us about once a week.
Mother thought I was stealing that precious time that happened once a week. She thought that as much as Father paid attention to me, the time she could receive that attention decreased.
She killed me to use that time solely for herself.
She killed me solely to be loved by Father herself.
It was only after repeating it three times that I realized that was Mother's true nature.
Mother never used things like poison. Smothering with a pillow, or pushing me off when we went boating together. She killed me with these small, mistake-like things.
Having realized that even the mother who gave birth to me didn't love me, I just wanted to die. I really didn't want to live. There are countless ways to die around, right?
I could have died without failure just by falling headfirst from the terrace. But I was scared, so I couldn't. No matter how much I thought about it, it was clear that I had not even a speck of attachment to my life, but I didn't have the courage to die.
After realizing that I didn't have the courage to take my own life, what I desperately wished for was to slowly die on my own. That, at least, had a real chance.
Since I would regress again even if I died anyway. Since there would be a next chance anyway. In the twentieth life I thought that way, I didn't eat anything and lived holed up in my room.
Since I wasn't eating anything, I had no energy, and since there was no hope or anything in my heart, I could feel myself dying vividly. Every time I looked in the mirror, I even felt a strange ecstasy watching myself slowly dying.
So I died, died to Vivian again, and died again. Even though I repeated it about thirty times, the maximum age I had lived to was fifteen. Until then, I had never once become an adult.
And so, the thirty-fourth life.
The moment I regressed was at Father's funeral.
During the thirty-three regressions, Father had never died. But the moment I regressed, Father was dead. Mother was, of course, already dead. So, the only human left by my side.
'From today, I have come to raise you.'
'......'
'Aren't you going to greet me? Whose daughter are you, your personality is truly filthy.'
'...Please take care of me. Queen-nim Vivian, the Second Queen.'
It was only Vivian, who had become my guardian.
Since this was the first time for such a case, there was nothing I could do. Until now, at least Father was by my side, but now even Father was gone.
Even up until this point, I thought I wouldn't live long in this life either. I always died whenever I got involved with Vivian, but this time, Vivian was raising me? I thought living even a week would be a long time.
At this time, I was lethargic about life, and death was not a big deal. I acted as if I was saying, "Just kill me if you're going to." However, unexpectedly, Vivian didn't kill me. She said I had some kind of 'talent'?)
And, now that Father was dead, Vivian seemed to place meaning on the fact that I was the person closest to Father. Honestly, I still don't understand Mother's or Vivian's thoughts.
Father is dead, so what does it matter that I am blood-related to Father? I just wished she would obsess only over Father. Being obsessed over by Vivian was just disgusting and annoying.