47. Feelings Like a Quagmire
47. Feelings Like a Quagmire
[Chapter 47] - Muddy Emotions
A few days had passed since Vivian told Titania that she might have to go on a "matchmaking date." Titania, unable to control her annoyance, puffed out her cheeks slightly and asked Ellie, who was fixing her hair.
"Ellie, what's a matchmaking date?"
"Pardon? Ah... a meeting with someone you might marry soon...? Should I say it like that?"
"Hmph-"
Thinking it wasn't much different from what she already knew, Titania rested her chin on her hand, narrowed her eyes, and let out a small sigh. Then, looking annoyed, she sat in her chair and kicked her feet, which didn't reach the floor.
Matchmaking dates, and marriage.
That she had to become a princess who wouldn't be a source of shame to the husband she would eventually marry, and that even starting now would be far too late—these were things she had heard countless times from the Marchioness when she was younger.
She had just been engaging in meaningless escapism, wondering if she had misunderstood, or if Mother had misspoken. Titania knew the meaning of those words better than anyone.
Watching Titania, who couldn't control her bubbling annoyance and was stomping her feet in the air from her chair, Ellie smiled bitterly and asked.
"Are you not going to see Her Majesty the Queen today either?"
"...Yeah. I'll just stay in my room."
Ellie sighed softly, quiet enough that Titania couldn't hear, bowed her head, and left the room, leaving behind a request to call her if she needed anything.
Once Ellie left and Titania was alone, she let out a sigh deep enough to sink the earth, threw herself onto the bed, and pulled the blanket over her head.
The space under the blanket, which she had been covering herself with since she was little, was Titania's little secret base. As if she didn't care what happened to the hair she'd just had fixed, Titania rolled around under the covers and sank into thought.
In truth, she was dying to run to Mother right now and apologize, but every time she thought of that, the expression on Mother's face when she told her about the matchmaking date came to mind, and something welled up inside her.
'Titania, there might be a matchmaking date soon. It might be a bit early for a ten-year-old, but... how about you meet him just once? He might be a quite good match.'
'A... matchmaking date?'
'Yes, a matchmaking date. The third prince of the neighboring kingdom is coming with the delegation that will arrive soon. He said he wants to meet you then... And, he's quite well-regarded. He's only eight, but he's handsome... and his personality is gentle, so he's a child loved by his country...'
'Mother... do you want me to marry that person?'
Yes, that expression where she tried to smile as if she had given up on something. The moment she saw that look on Mother's face, Titania frowned, feeling an emotion she had never felt in her life, and stared at her.
'Even if it's not marriage... wouldn't it be good... if you could get engaged?'
It felt like 'herself' was included in that resignation, and every time Titania recalled that expression, some kind of emotion welled up like a boiling mud pit.
For some reason, the only words that came out of her mouth were "Liar."
A hot, sludgy, and unfamiliar emotion that seemed to well up from deep within her chest. Titania didn't know what to do because of this feeling she felt every time she saw Vivian's face.
Titania, who had been tossing and turning with her face buried in her pillow, poked her head out from under the blanket and tapped the surface of the mirror necklace around her neck twice.
The surface of the mirror rippled, and Ainsel, with her eyes drooping as if worried, looked at Titania. After hesitating for a moment, Ainsel glanced up and asked Titania.
-Princess... are you not going to leave your room today either? You can't just seclude yourself like this...? Vivian and the others will be sad...
"It's not like that! More importantly... what is Mother doing right now?"
-Vivian is currently... hold on, I'll show you.
The surface of the mirror rippled again, and Vivian's image began to appear in the mirror as if she were right in front of them. Vivian was sitting in her office, having a serious conversation with Vin Chaud.
A side of her she didn't usually show her. Titania smiled bashfully at the sight of her serious and cool mother. Watching from this far away was fine, but...
When she actually faced her mother or had a conversation, Titania, as if drowning in the emotions boiling inside her, would unconsciously shake her head and pretend to be angry.
'That's not actually how I feel... I want to make up right now and be with Mother...'
As if sad that she couldn't control her own emotions, Titania stared blankly at her mother's image in the mirror. As she kept watching her mother, Ainsel whispered softly.
-It looks like her work is almost done... why don't you go see her now? I'm sure Vivian would be happy if you visited, Princess.
"But..."
What if she gets angry when I actually go? She was the one who had been avoiding her while being angry, so she had no idea what face to show her mother.
As she was worrying, the image in the mirror showed her mother raising both arms and stretching high into the sky, as if her work was finished. At that sight, Ainsel called out to Titania as if urging her.
-I think now is your chance! It's not that far from the office... hurry and go!
"U-uh...?"
-Hurry!
When Ainsel urged her loudly, Titania jumped out of bed. As she tried to run out of the room, she saw her disheveled hair, hastily fixed it with her hands, and dashed out the door in a rush.
What should she say first when they meet?
Should she apologize first?
Say she's sorry for constantly avoiding her without a word?
Out of breath from running to the office, Titania caught her breath and peeked her head through the slightly open office door. Then, she saw her mother sitting in a chair, taking a break while drinking tea.
The moment she faced her, she felt that muddy, sludgy emotion gripping her heart again. It wasn't just a simple feeling of dislike. A strange, anxious feeling made her chest churn.
What on earth was this emotion she felt every time she faced her mother?
Titania didn't even know the name of it and didn't know what to do. One thing was certain: she didn't like that 'smile' that kept coming to mind whenever she saw her mother's face.
Titania pulled away from the office door, turned her head, and headed back to her room. Ainsel, hanging around her neck, asked Titania, not knowing what to do.
-Are you sure it's okay not to go see her...? You came all this way...?
"...No."
-But...
Titania didn't answer Ainsel anymore and quietly headed to her room. Feeling the illusion that the sludgy mud was grabbing her ankles with every step she took.
*
After that, it was just a repetition.
Titania, swayed by Ainsel's persuasion, would circle around Vivian, return to her room, and become depressed, repeating this cycle. At most, Titania would hover around Vivian three times a day.
Exhausted by the desire to apologize and the muddy emotions boiling inside her, Titania was at a complete loss and kept feeling anxious.
As she kept circling around Vivian like that, Titania suddenly had a thought. If she couldn't apologize directly, she could just ask someone else to pass the message along.
The person who came to Titania's mind was none other than her grandmother, the Queen Dowager. Believing that if it were Grandmother, she would surely talk to Mother well, Titania knocked on the Queen Dowager's office door.
"Grandmother... it's me, Titania... may I come in?"
"...Come in."
Once permission to enter was given, Titania opened the door slightly and approached the Queen Dowager with quick, small steps. Titania quietly watched the Queen Dowager, who seemed to still be working, as she diligently wrote something down.
"So, what brings my granddaughter to see this old grandmother all of a sudden?"
"Uh... that is..."
When she actually tried to speak, her lips wouldn't move. Watching Titania fidget, not knowing what to say, the Queen Dowager sighed softly, lifted Titania up, and sat her on her lap.
"There's a rumor going around that you fought with the Queen. Is it because of that?"
"We didn't fight..."
At the mention of fighting, Titania pouted and dropped her head. Watching her, the Queen Dowager gently stroked Titania's hair and asked, guessing.
"I heard she reduced your snacks, are you sulking because of that?"
"That too... but..."
"Or is it because she's been busy lately and hasn't been paying attention to you?"
"Th-that's..."
Perhaps because the things she felt sad about kept coming to mind every time she was asked, Titania's cheeks began to puff up more and more. Looking down at her, the Queen Dowager chuckled and kneaded her puffed-up cheeks.
"Or is it because of the 'matchmaking date' coming up soon?"
At the mention of the matchmaking date, Titania nodded slightly. Watching her, the Queen Dowager sighed quietly and gently stroked Titania's hair.
"Is seeing a matchmaker that unpleasant for you?"
Titania shook her head. It wasn't that she particularly hated the matchmaking date itself. Rather than hating meeting someone she didn't even know...
Drip, drip. As she tried to speak her thoughts, tears welled up in Titania's eyes. Seeing her shoulders heave as she swallowed her tears, the Queen Dowager gently patted her back.
"Tell me slowly. What is it that you don't like so much? You have to say it for me to know."
As the Queen Dowager patted her back, the tears that had welled up in Titania's eyes began to fall. Wiping away her tears as if sobbing, Titania slowly opened her mouth and began to unburden what was piled up inside her.
"Gr-Grandmother, do you want me to get engaged too...?"
"...I don't think so."
"M-Mother seems to want me to get engaged... she says she wants me to get engaged..."
Once the tears started flowing, they didn't stop easily. As the tears dripped down, the Queen Dowager began to gently wipe the corners of Titania's eyes with a handkerchief.
"M-Mother seems to find me annoying... like she doesn't want to see me... that's why my heart feels strange every time I see Mother... it feels like I'm angry... but I also feel like crying because I'm sad..."
"...There is no way your mother would abandon you. I cannot understand why you think that and feel anxious. Does your mother seem like the type of person who would find you annoying?"
At those words, Titania shook her head. Titania also knew best that her mother would never do that, but for some reason, her heart wouldn't listen.
She couldn't help but feel anxious, and she couldn't stand the nervousness.
And this emotion she was feeling was difficult to explain with just anxiety and nervousness. Besides the anxiety and nervousness that she was going to be abandoned, something thick and sludgy was boiling deep in her chest.
Titania 'still' couldn't define that emotion.
She just thought it was something between anxiety and nervousness.
The Queen Dowager, who had been patting her back, sighed and looked at Titania. She comforted Titania, wiping the tear-stained corners of her eyes with a handkerchief that was already soaked.
"Knowing that so well, don't be anxious. From what I see, your mother doesn't seem to have any intention of finding you annoying or abandoning you. When she said she wanted you to get engaged, wasn't it for your future?"
"...Sniff."
"So, stop crying and go to your mother. The Queen must be troubled by now too."
The Queen Dowager set Titania, who was sitting on her lap, down on the floor, waved her hand, and urged her to leave quickly. Titania puffed out her cheeks and looked at the Queen Dowager, but it was no use.
"I forbid you from coming to my room until the two of you make up. You must have been thinking of asking me to pass on some words, but speaking directly is the courtesy one owes to the other party."
Stung.
Titania, whose plan was discovered even though she hadn't said anything yet, flinched and shuddered. Then, pouting her lips, she had no choice but to trudge out of the room.
And so, many more times. Titania hovered around Vivian trying to talk to her, but in the end, until the day the delegation arrived, she couldn't even speak to her, and even ignored Vivian's suggestion to talk outside the door.
After that, it was a repetition again.
Every day, secretly watching her mother through Ainsel, approaching her mother when there was an opportunity, hovering around, and then returning to her room feeling that sludgy emotion.
It was a repetition of dozens, hundreds of times.
*
After the delegation arrived, the royal castle became slightly chaotic due to the sudden turn of events. Usually, if royalty from another country visits, it was customary to prepare things like food to suit that royalty's tastes as much as possible.
It was normal to prepare and serve according to what the neighboring country had informed them in advance, such as what food they liked or what food they were allergic to, but...
Making all the preparations done so far meaningless, the 'third prince' did not come with the delegation.
At the party prepared with great care for the 'third prince's' visit, an uninvited 'woman' approached me, lifted her skirt gracefully, and bowed in greeting.
A woman with an elegant yet composed atmosphere.
A woman with bright brown hair that could be mistaken for blonde if seen under the sunlight, and dark black eyes, looked at me and smiled with her eyes curved.
"I apologize for coming so unexpectedly. My 'younger brother' caught a sudden epidemic, so I had no choice but to come in his stead."
"And you are...?"
"My name is Fiona Silverword. The 'second princess' of the Silverword Kingdom greets Her Majesty Queen Vivian Liliensole."
Unlike before, a name and face that didn't match any expected fairy tale.
However, for some reason, when I looked at Fiona, I felt a tremendous sense of incongruity wash over me. The sense of incongruity that brushed past me was enough to make the hair on my body stand on end.
'What is this...?'
This was the first time since then that I felt such a 'sense of incongruity' because the original story had changed.
When I found out that the first queen, 'Aurora', was alive, unlike in the game.
I unconsciously rubbed my arms at the sense of incongruity I was feeling for the first time since then.