122. Responsibility
122. Responsibility
[Chapter 122] - Responsibility
"Queen... Vivian Liliensole-nim, the Queen Mother-jeonha's funeral concluded three days ago."
"Ah... I see. In the end..."
I had held out the funeral invitation to the captain of the guard in front of the royal castle, but I was told the Queen Mother-jeonha's funeral had already ended three days ago. As I hung my head in guilt over being too late, the captain of the guard suggested with a bitter expression that I should at least pay my respects.
"...Since you've come, why not pay your respects at the Queen Mother-jeonha's grave? I'm sure the Queen Mother-jeonha would be pleased by your visit."
"...Shall I? Then I shall do that. Thank you."
I gladly accepted the suggestion and bowed my head to thank the captain of the guard. The captain of the guard, who knew me, waved his hand dismissively, but gratitude is gratitude. And so, I was able to enter the royal castle through the gate the captain of the guard opened for me.
'Nothing has changed at all, as expected.'
I walked slowly through the snow-covered garden, heading toward the Queen Mother-jeonha's grave. Suddenly, looking around, I realized I had lived here for a very long time. Everywhere in the royal castle was overflowing with memories of Titania. Memories of reading fairy tales under the trees, memories of playing by the fountain until my dress was soaked through.
Every step I took brought back memories of Titania, and for some reason, a bitter smile formed on my lips. Katarina, following behind me, seemed to be seeing such a place for the first time, as she was busy gaping at the royal castle. Is she fascinated by this because she's lived in hiding in remote countryside or forests until now?
"Ah."
Walking slowly to avoid people's gazes, I suddenly remembered something I had forgotten and let out a small sigh. An artificial flower to place on the tombstone. Even if there were no fresh flowers because it's winter, I should have at least brought an artificial one. As I sighed shortly, Katarina, who was behind me, called out and poked my back.
"Vi, Vivian. I... made this."
I turned around to look at Katarina, and in her hand was a small white artificial flower. I gave a gentle smile at Katarina's unexpectedly quick wit and patted her head. She made this? Did she make it with magic?
"...Thank you."
After receiving the artificial flower Katarina made, I turned my head and headed back toward the Queen Mother-jeonha's grave. The closer I got to the graveyard, the more severe the blizzard became. The blizzard was so fierce that I couldn't see properly, and it felt as if it were angry at me for coming so late, which made me smile bitterly.
Step by step, ignoring the blizzard, I slowly headed to where the Queen Mother-jeonha slept. The closer I got to the grave, the more my heart beat anxiously, and sweat seeped from my palms. It was because I was afraid to face the Queen Mother-jeonha's death.
I had known since the Queen Mother-jeonha gave me the funeral invitation.
That before long, the Queen Mother-jeonha would pass away. That she would die soon. My head understood that I should accept it naturally when the time came, but my heart could not.
As expected, I could not calmly accept the death of someone close to me.
The moment I saw the Queen Mother-jeonha's grave through the blizzard in the distance, large tears rolled down my cheeks. To me, the Queen Mother-jeonha was not just a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law relationship on the surface.
The Queen Mother-jeonha was like my 'teacher' and my 'protector' in the royal castle. A teacher who taught me how to live in the royal castle, and a protector who shielded Titania and me from other nobles.
The one who helped, cherished, and took care of me when I couldn't adapt to the royal castle was the Queen Mother-jeonha. The fact that I couldn't watch the Queen Mother-jeonha's final moments, nor attend her funeral, was enough to fill me with terrible regret and guilt.
'It feels like she might shout at any moment, asking why I came so late...'
I somehow held back the flowing tears and slowly placed the artificial flower in front of the tombstone. Even as I paid my respects in front of the grave like this, it was hard to accept the fact that the Queen Mother-jeonha had passed away.
She told me she would live a long time. She said she would watch over Titania until she became queen. There was really so little time left, and it was just sad that she couldn't hold on for that little bit and passed away.
"...I'm sorry. For coming only now. I'm too late, aren't I?"
I forced a smile and spoke to the Queen Mother-jeonha's grave. Even though I knew there would be no answer, I couldn't bear the pain if I didn't talk to her like this.
"...It's because of the snow. Where I live is completely buried in snow, so the news that the Queen Mother-jeonha had passed away came too late. I am currently-"
I approached the grave and told the Queen Mother-jeonha about what had happened over the past year. I told her very briefly about where I live now, what I do, who I live with, and various other things.
"...It's harder than life in the royal castle, but I'm doing well enough not to starve to death. Thanks to the money the Queen Mother-jeonha pressed into my hands, I'm not living as difficultly as you might worry."
It felt as if the Queen Mother-jeonha's voice could be heard amidst the sound of the raging blizzard. The voice of the Queen Mother-jeonha chuckling, saying, 'Of course you should live well. Do you know how much I gave you?'
Knowing it was a sound created by my delusion, I smiled bitterly, stood up, and sighed. A pure white breath puffed out along with the terrible guilt. It's cold. So cold.
When it was this cold and painful, I could forget everything if I hugged Titania. Just feeling the warmth of that child while hugging Titania inside a cozy blanket melted away my painful heart.
Is that why?
At this moment, I felt like I would go crazy because I wanted to see Titania.
I know I am selfish for feeling this way.
I left hoping Titania wouldn't depend on me, but I am still depending on Titania. Even though I know this heart won't be forgiven. Just once, even just once would be fine...
"...I miss you. Truly."
Was I such a spoiled brat? Selfish thoughts kept coming. How is Titania doing? Is she suffering because the Queen Mother-jeonha passed away and I am not by her side either?
If she is truly suffering and sad, I wanted to comfort her. I wanted to pull the crying Titania tightly into my arms, pat her back, and comfort her as much as I could. Selfishly, this desire was for my own sake.
To soothe this painful and stifling heart, I needed Titania. I wanted to comfort Titania, and be comforted in return. Because comforting Titania was the same as comforting myself.
However...
"Mother! Mom...! Mom!!"
My head turned on its own at the voice calling me desperately.
Soon, the castle gate clattered open, and in the distance, Titania began to run toward me, crying out. In this cold winter, she didn't even dress properly, and even if she fell to the ground, she ran straight toward me.
No. Absolutely not.
I must not meet Titania right now.
It wasn't that I didn't want to meet her.
It was that I must not meet her.
If I meet Titania like this, I will be bound to Titania for the rest of my life. No, I will come to want to be bound to Titania. That was not for Titania's sake, but for 'my' sake.
If I am doing this for Titania, I must not meet Titania right now. Even if she begs to see me, even if she trips on a stone and bleeds, I must not show my face to Titania.
In the first place, I wanted Titania to leave my side and become independent. I wanted not to be a nuisance to that child. Wasn't that why I left Titania's side? So...
I reached out to Katarina beside me and pleaded.
"...Katarina. Let's go back."
"Y-yes...? Really...?"
Katarina hesitated while looking at Titania running from afar, but I quickly grabbed Katarina's hand and pleaded with her to get ready to leave. Before Titania could approach, I had to escape from this royal castle.
"Hurry!"
Only after I shouted did Katarina begin to prepare to return.
Whether because of the blizzard or magic, my vision began to blur. Through my blurred vision, I saw Titania approaching me, shedding tears. Titania, whom I was meeting for the first time since she was 15.
Ebony hair fluttered amidst the pure white blizzard. Her eyes, red like blood droplets fallen on the piled snow, and her bright red lips were begging and wishing only for me. Begging me not to leave her side.
Begging me to please stay by her side.
However...
That was a wish that could not be fulfilled.
I had to leave Titania's side. I must not be by that child's side. I must not be depended on by Titania any longer. Because I am ruining Titania. I, Titania...
Because I love her, I had to leave.
*
Titania, who arrived at the tombstone, stared with empty eyes at her grandmother's grave, where the blizzard was raging. Clearly, Mother was one step in front of me. Clearly, she was there....
"Ha, ha..."
In the blink of an eye, Mother's figure had disappeared without a trace. Titania let out a hollow laugh at the sight of Mother, who had vanished like a mirage.
Clearly, Mother had been right in front of me just a moment ago. The footprints still remaining, the artificial flower newly placed in front of the tombstone, proved that Mother had been here just a moment ago. However...
"Where did you go...? Yes...? Mom..."
Mother was nowhere to be found.
Even turning my head, even checking behind the tombstone, Mother was not here. Even if I wanted to believe I had seen things, the traces of Mother who had been here were telling me it wasn't an illusion. If so, that means...
"Again, you..."
Abandoned me.
You abandoned me twice.
Not once, but twice.
"Liar..."
Liar. Liar. Liar.
You promised with your pinky finger. You said you'd swallow a thousand needles if you broke it. You said you'd stay with me for the rest of my life. You said you'd definitely come to meet me. You said you always wanted to see me. Me...
Titania collapsed on the spot.
It hurt so, so much, as if a hole had been punched in my chest. No, it couldn't be expressed by simply saying it hurt. It was agonizing. The pain of being abandoned twice was more painful than all the pain I had felt in my life.
"Ah, ugh...!"
Titania, who had scraped and grabbed the snow piled on the ground, lifted her head and looked at the sky.
The blizzard pouring onto my skin was terribly cold. The snow touching my skin felt like it would freeze my heart immediately, and the biting wind felt like it was slashing my skin. I really wanted to die.
"I don't need a position like Queen! I just, I just need Mother! Why on earth! Can't you even do that one thing?! I said I'd be satisfied just by having you by my side! I said I wouldn't beg you to love me! I don't need any of it, any of it! Just by Mother's side...!"
Titania poured out her anger mixed with sobs while staring into the void. I couldn't understand Mother who had abandoned me twice, and I couldn't understand the ministers who had chased Mother away. No, I didn't want to understand.
"How can you be so irresponsible! You are the one who made me like this!! You are the one who raised me and loved me!! Then you have to take responsibility!! Whether you love me!! Or hate me!! Do it in front of me!! Don't leave my side, do it in front of me!! So please..."
Titania, who was trembling, curled up in the snowfield and sobbed.
I loved Mother as a parent, and I loved her as a woman. The love I would feel for my whole life was directed only at one person, Mother. I didn't know how to love anyone else, and I just loved only Mother for my whole life.
So, I couldn't give up that love.
I couldn't give up on the Mother I love.
No matter how much she runs away, I had to catch her and bring her back.
Titania, who stood up from her spot, began to walk back to the castle, trudging along. Maids behind her brought blankets and towels to wrap around Titania's body, but she didn't feel warm at all.
As she entered the castle, Titania felt her vision brighten. However, Titania's eyes, conversely, lost their light and grew increasingly dim. Her bright, intelligent eyes began to sink into darkness.
Even with the maids' support, Titania blankly thought only of Mother.
...Yes, next time we meet, let's tie her up first.
Because if I don't tie her up, she'll escape again.
I feel like I'll go crazy every time she gets out of my sight, so let's tie her up and lock her in my room. Let's tie her up so she can never run away again, and make sure she can't get out of my sight. Listening to Mother's excuses comes after that.
I have no one but you, but you keep avoiding me. Avoiding, avoiding, and avoiding. You keep getting out of my sight. I think this is the only way for me to keep you by my side.
If I tie you up and lock you away, will you hate me? Dislike me? Loathe me? But, I can't help it, can I?
Mother, all the fault lies with you for abandoning me twice.
So, don't run away next time.
The third time.
I will never forgive you.