Reunion
That day, the day of our reunion, my mood was foul for no particular reason. I knew Werner was coming, knew we'd have to stand face to face... No, I was the one who had arranged it, yet my mood remained sour. Werner Alton. How could I possibly put my feelings toward him into words? Jealousy of his skill? Pity for the grand magic he had lost? Anger that he had spat those words at me without ever apologizing? Disappointment over his sudden departure? Worry that he had injured himself by recklessly casting grand magic? Or was it something else entirely... lingering attachment to the confession he had made when we were children? I didn't know. My head was a tangled mess, so all I could do was smoke one worthless cigarette after another.
If I were to draw a diagram of our relationship once more... what label should I attach to it? Partners who once developed magic together? No, he created everything while I merely watched. Rivals who competed for achievements? No, his record always surpassed mine, so it would have to be eternal first place versus perpetual second. Or perhaps the only friends either of us ever had? No, shining heroes always surrounded him, while I remained an outsider with no friends, then and now. Then what about the relationship where we once harbored childish affection for each other? Still, I didn't know.
"Haaah..." The habit of smoking that began after he vanished still clung to me. Whenever my thoughts grew complicated, whenever my mind went blank, whenever I was bored, whenever work piled up, before meals, after meals, right after waking, right before sleep—I always lit a cigarette. Come to think of it, I really did smoke an awful lot. Maybe it was time to cut back? These were the highest-grade custom blends, so at least they didn't leave any strange odors behind.
"We've really changed... haven't we?"
You, who once showed me dazzling grand magic I could never hope to imitate... now you cough up blood the moment you use it, yet you still move according to your whims while carrying that old sense of responsibility... and then you abandoned everything and ran away in the night. I, whom you always treated like a weakling and teased mercilessly... now I sit in the Tower Master's seat, dreaming of becoming an adventurer instead of dealing with the tower's tedious affairs... yet here I am, buried under mountains of paperwork and wading into politics. Because we stood in opposite places, we could understand each other. 'That guy is lonely and isolated, just like me.' That was what we used to think.
We were still standing in opposite places. And yet... even though we stood in opposite places just like before, why weren't you looking at me? Why couldn't we look at each other? We stood in opposite places just as we always had, so why couldn't we understand each other anymore? It was as if only the ground beneath our feet had changed.
The question that would never be answered no matter how long I lived tormented me again, and my eyes refused to focus on the documents. How much longer would I have to live while being tormented by these questions? A new question had been added to the pile. Today, I wanted to resolve every single one of the chains that bound me.
Just then, my maid Ekaterina knocked and entered.
"Lady Lorsch, Lord Werner has passed through the gate."
"Understood. Don't bother me with that story again."
"My apologies."
She had only been doing her duty, yet I had snapped at her without thinking. Ah, it was all because of this damned cigarette. Damn it.
"Ah... sorry for lashing out."
"It's quite all right."
"Come to think of it, your son's birthday is coming up soon, isn't it? I'll send him a gift."
"That isn't necessary, Lady Lorsch."
"So what does the child like? Food? Books? Toys?"
She had served as my maid for nearly twenty years since Ellen the nursemaid died, so it was only natural to look after her. I had worried when she said she was marrying a gentleman fifteen years her senior, but...
"He likes weapons... spears in particular."
"Got it. I'll commission something from a blacksmith I know well and send it over."
'No matter what happens, I take care of my people.' That was my creed. If Werner had accepted my proposal that day... perhaps the two of us would be sitting here right now, talking about birthday gifts for Ekaterina's son.
"Ekaterina, may I ask you something?"
She had chosen marriage at twenty and had maintained that marriage for over fourteen years, so she would be knowledgeable about matters between men and women. I was quite weak in that area, so I wanted to seek an answer from an expert.
'Never be ashamed to bow your head in order to learn.' That was my second creed.
"What is it?"
"It's about relationships between men and women..."
At that, Ekaterina covered her mouth and began to chuckle. When I glared at her in displeasure, she swallowed her laughter and returned to her usual demeanor.
"... My apologies, Lady Lorsch."
"I'm a little annoyed, but it's fine. I'll forgive you. I snapped at you earlier, so let's call it even."
"So what did you wish to ask...?"
"Well... you see..."
I honestly laid out the questions I had been carrying. I didn't know how I felt about him, and I had no idea how to summarize the diagram of our relationship. It was a more difficult problem than any other in the world, yet Ekaterina gave me an answer with ease.
"That's simple enough."
As expected of Ekaterina, the temptress who had seduced a man fifteen years her senior. I focused my attention and listened to her answer.
"If there are any writings you have recently written while thinking of him, read them. If there are any actions you have recently taken while thinking of him, reflect on them."
"As expected of you, Ekaterina. You always give such clean answers to my questions."
"You flatter me, my lady."
Ekaterina covered her mouth and laughed again. This time, however, I noticed a small wound on her hand that I had never seen before.
"What's that wound on your hand?"
"There was some trouble at home..."
Had that bastard laid hands on his wife? By my creed of always protecting my people—and by any ordinary moral standard—a piece of trash who raised his hand against his wife could never be forgiven. Especially when the wife was fifteen years younger than him.
"Tell me exactly what happened."
"Some fox of a woman was flirting with another woman's husband... No, I mean, I ended up punching a woman who was flirting with my husband even though she knew he was married, and..."
"Are you hurt badly?"
"Ah, my hand is fine. In a week there won't even be a trace left..."
"Not you. The other person."
She had been the one in charge of disciplining me whenever I made mistakes, so I knew very well how heavy her hands could be.
"Ah, that... her face caved in a little..."
I would never fight so ugly over a man like that in the future. No matter what happened. There would be no tragedy of hitting someone or getting into a disgraceful brawl just because of love. I sent Ekaterina away and, following her advice, decided to look through the recent writings I had posted about Werner on the Akashic Magician Record.
Lately, it felt like there was far too much swearing. It was all Werner's fault. Yet no matter how far back I searched through my posts, every single one about Werner was nothing but insults. Did I really hate him? If he really died somewhere... would I be happy about it? No, I didn't think I would be happy. I just didn't know why.
Just then, Ekaterina knocked and entered again.
"Um, Lady Lorsch... there's a report about Lord Werner..."
"What now?"
Werner, Werner—I was going to go insane today, really.
"He wasn't riding the carriage alone. He was accompanied by three beautiful women..."
"Ekaterina."
"Yes?"
"Teach me just one kicking technique."