The Engagement Ceremony
I tried not to care much about the engagement ceremony, but it turned out that the whole thing still made me nervous. I couldn't even swallow a proper sip of water. Glancing around, I saw Melchior, Melissa, and Glacia chatting with the guests. As for me, I had nothing to talk about with any of them. It wasn't like I could just walk up to a complete stranger and say, "What's your favorite anime? Iron-Blooded Orphans? What a crazy bastard," then throw a Confucian punch. I just wanted the ceremony to end quickly so I could eat in peace.
I hadn't eaten anything since morning, so my stomach was growling, but it felt awkward to go grab something. This must be why people say international marriages are tough—when you don't know anyone, the whole place feels like a bed of thorns.
"Aren't you hungry, Werner?"
It was Melchior. He had brought over a plate piled high with roasted goose and soft butter biscuits. All of them were things Werner liked.
"How did you know I was hungry, brother?"
"You haven't eaten anything since morning, have you?"
"Haah... You're really attentive."
I sighed and took the plate, stabbing a piece of goose with my fork. It had cooled a bit, but the salty seasoning and tender texture suited my mouth perfectly. Or rather, it suited Werner's mouth. The butter biscuits were nutty, with a crispy exterior and moist interior—like the chieftain of Garrosh. Not bad at all.
"Werner... Are you really okay with this?"
"The die has already been cast."
"Don't decide life's problems with dice. Especially not something as important as a life partner."
"I can't even use grand magic anymore, so in the end... I won't be able to join the journey to cure Sister Media's illness. I'll just live however it goes."
A heavy impact suddenly struck my head. I wondered if Werner's skull had finally reached its durability limit from all the constant shocks and shattered. The one who hit me was none other than Melissa. That damn pedophile-skinned old hag was seriously trying to kill me.
"Don't treat my daughter like some random choice you made while living however you please, youngest. And as for your body, we will definitely find a way to fix it no matter what."
How could they possibly heal Werner's condition when even the Heavenly Demon old man had given up? I wanted to avoid talking about my physical state, so I grabbed my head where Melissa had struck it and started whining.
"Aigoo, sister... What if my head's durability drops and I get my skull cracked open by some bad guys and die? What then?"
It was meant to be a lighthearted joke, but both Melchior and Melissa seemed to take it as a serious question.
"Then we'd have to slaughter every single bastard who touched our youngest! No—before they can even think about killing our youngest, we'd crush the skulls of anyone even considering it. How dare those dog bastards..."
"You, watch your language."
As expected, only his wife could defeat the barbarian warrior. Melissa smiled sweetly and gave her own answer.
"If there are any wretches who would do such terrible things to our youngest, we should make them beg for death."
"Ah, is that so? You're right, hahaha!!!"
And the two of them burst into hearty laughter. Heh heh heh, these crazy people. Compared to this deranged family, Glacia was practically normal. They really were fools, but at the same time, I found myself wanting to slip into their midst and become part of their family. After all, I never had anything like a family before my possession. Was it greedy to want something I'd never had in my entire life?
"The ceremony's about to start soon, isn't it? Youngest, if you try to run away again, this sister will reeeally kill you, okay?"
"The person who just said they'd make the one who killed me beg for death—where did she go?"
"Oh, your brother and sister are fine~."
Look at this damn vampire hag using her trashy personality. "Tsk... With a personality like that, no wonder you're as short as a dwarf, you old hag."
I muttered it quietly, but Melissa's ears must have been exceptionally sharp. Today's life lesson: getting hit with a roundhouse kick to the side hurts like hell. My ribs were still throbbing.
The engagement ceremony in the North was a bit unusual. Not that the bride put the groom in a rear naked choke or anything like that. The emcee gave a brief introduction of both the man's and woman's sides, then the man and woman faced each other and touched foreheads. After exchanging flowers, they cut and shared bread, and that was it.
The emcee was apparently a veteran who had served as the announcer in the arena for thirty years. I felt a little uneasy, but I decided to leave it to him. He grabbed a magic tool that looked like a microphone. In the game, they said it was made by drying out the vocal organs of a Gigantic Bat.
"Ladies and gentlemen, hello!!! I am Poswegan, your emcee for today's event!!!"
The name sounded familiar, but no matter how you looked at it, this felt more like an arena than an engagement ceremony. Yet no one seemed to question it. I thought Melissa would start blasting blood magic, demanding what the hell this guy was doing at her daughter's engagement, but she was smiling. Hmm... I guess this is just Northern culture. Yeah, we should respect culture. So in the North, it's normal for the emcee to shout at the top of their lungs during an engagement ceremony. As long as it's not a culture of cannibalism or shitting in the middle of the street, we should respect it. Of course, if some bastard goes to another country and demands they respect his culture, he deserves a Confucian punch right away.
"Everyone knows there is a blessed couple getting engaged here today!!!!!"
Does that guy's throat never get sore? Forget respecting culture—this was getting too loud. I briefly considered smashing his skull with a Confucian punch, but the aftermath scared me. First engagement: running away. Second engagement: smashing the emcee's head with a Confucian punch? Even Buddha would shake his head and fire a Tathagata Palm, Jesus would cast Nazareth Sword Style Form 1 - Slaying Satan, and Confucius would unleash True - Confucian Punch. Afraid of their combined attack, I decided to stay quiet.
The emcee continued showering the event with all sorts of flowery rhetoric before calling my name.
"And the blessed man is!!! The great archmage that everyone knows!!! One of the great heroes!!! The mage who vanished like the wind and returned like the wind!!! Sir Werner Alton!!!"
No matter how I listened, it sounded exactly like an entrance announcement for arena fighters. I really wanted to throw a Confucian punch. But when I saw everyone—including Melchior and Melissa—clapping, I figured this really must be Northern culture. Damn, these Northern bastards really do have a barbaric culture. Do these guys actually eat human flesh?
I sighed, carefully managing my expression as I made my entrance. A few women attending the ceremony blushed when they saw me. It seemed Werner's face—even with makeup—was truly overpowered. Some men were blushing too, but those guys were definitely getting a Confucian punch later. I would never respect a culture where men liked me. There would be no BL in my life, even if I died, and if I threw Confucian punches at them, all three saints would praise me.
The emcee grabbed the magic tool again and introduced Glacia.
"And today's second protagonist!!! The current ruler of our North!!! The greatest warrior who inherited the blood of two great heroes!!! The Grand Duke of the North!!! Her Grace Glacia Winterhart!!!"
No matter how I listened, it was definitely an arena fighter entrance line. For a moment I wondered if I should strike a pose and throw a preemptive Confucian punch or lightning spell at Glacia. But fortunately, what we were doing wasn't an arena match—it was an engagement ceremony. We faced each other and touched foreheads. While our foreheads were pressed together, I saw her face wearing the happiest smile imaginable. So she really did like Werner that much.
All that remained was the ritual of cutting and sharing the bread. The moment I reached out to cut it...
Bang!
With a loud crash, the door to the ceremonial hall was smashed open. What the hell? Terrorists? Or Team Rocket? It wasn't Team Rocket. There were only two intruders wearing robes. They removed the robes that had been protecting them from the cold, and only then could I see their faces.
Fuck. Team Rocket would've been better.
Camellia drew her sword and spoke.
"Melissa, Melchior. No matter how you look at it, this seems a bit much..."
And my disciple Airi waved at me with a bright smile.
"Master! You've been through so much! I'll rescue you right now!"
I think the hard part just started... I turned my head slightly to check Glacia's expression. The smile from moments ago was gone, replaced by an incredibly cold, murderous face. And Werner's exceptional hearing clearly picked up her quiet mutter.
"That rag of a bitch..."