The Universal Neighborhood Punching Bag
I spent the time until dawn loitering around the park. It wasn't some profound meditation on human existence—I just split my ego in two and made a lion and a tiger fight to see which was stronger. By the time the tide of battle turned in favor of Dwayne Johnson wielding a Thompson submachine gun, the morning sun had risen. The land of the rising sun, Japan, brought down by America's atomic bombs. Yeah, if a lion and a tiger fought, America would win. That was only natural.
Shivering in the cold air, I decided to head back. Forcing my stiff body upright, I figured I'd stop by a nearby shop for some hot cocoa to warm up. It was scalding enough to singe the tip of my tongue, but even so, the warm cocoa was enough to thaw my frozen body. If this were some typical protagonist, they'd probably say something like "Fuck yeah, this is what sex feels like," but I didn't. Sex was what I'd been trying to do last night; cocoa was just a drink. Still, even I had to admit it was a little terrifying how close I'd come to doing something stupid while drunk. The thought of trash who commit crimes and then blame it on alcohol made me feel a bit pathetic about myself. From now on, I'd have to quit drinking for the sake of stricter self-discipline.
While mulling over that insignificant thought and sipping about half the hot cocoa, I spotted Irina posting notices outside the Adventurer's Guild building. Even though she was supposed to be a receptionist, she seemed to handle all sorts of odd jobs.
"Hey, Irina. Isn't it illegal to stick flyers on other people's walls?"
Irina turned around, recognized me, and smirked before replying.
"Yes, yes~ Even if it's the guild's wall, it's still illegal. Go ahead and arrest me."
"Hahaha... So, what kind of urgent request is it that you're posting notices outside?"
"Ah, well, there's been a surge in bandit attacks targeting merchants lately. We're trying to form a subjugation party with adventurers..."
This was clearly the quest from the game's DLC where Werner and Ailee wiped out bandits. It had been released when everyone was missing Werner, and it got quite a positive response.
"Hmm, bandits, huh..."
"Yeah, they're not your average dangerous bandits. They're vicious types who take hostages and demand ransom. A group of extraordinary bandits with the skill to massacre even merchant caravan escorts."
Bandits—sometimes they appeared under names like mountain bandits or pirates. It was like how Eevee evolved depending on which stone it stepped on; they evolved based on their environment. Their base form was thieves, and these guys got beaten up regardless of whether it was fantasy or murim. The go-to early-game mobs for beginners in games and novels alike.
"In that case, I'll go."
"Ah, having you on the subjugation party would be reassuring."
"No, disband the subjugation party."
Irina dropped the recruitment notice she'd been about to post on the wall. Littering like this was problematic—though I figured one person like me wouldn't matter. But come to think of it, this wasn't Earth, so it probably didn't matter. Irina's eyes widened—well, what people called her eyeballs went perfectly round—as she spoke.
"Why disband the party we worked so hard to gather?!"
"Throwing a bunch of nobodies into the mix will just get them taken hostage and cause more trouble later. Tell the client to use the reward money meant for those guys to take care of their families instead."
Sending amateurs against people like that would be disastrous. Reality wasn't a novel. If those guys took hostages, we'd be the ones in trouble, so we needed to send in elite forces right away and crush them. For example, the people who suppressed terrorists were elite soldiers with the best training, weren't they?
"It's true that having more people could cause those kinds of problems. But their numbers are no joke."
"That's exactly why we can't bring along a bunch of nobodies."
"Haa... Fine. Then we'll form the subjugation party with a small elite force..."
"I told you to exclude unnecessary forces."
"I said I got it, so a small elite force..."
"No, if I'm going, why would we need anyone else?"
"So you're saying you're going alone right now? Are you insane?"
"Archmage Werner is going. Do we really need anything else?"
This was one of the actual lines Werner had spoken in the original. Anyone hearing it might criticize the character for being arrogant, but not when it came to Werner. He was genuinely that strong, so this line wasn't bluster—it was one of the dialogues that showcased Werner's magical prowess. In fact, if you went to the combat power section on Werner's Namu Wiki page, that line was boxed inside.
"You really are... Fine, I'll suggest it to the Guild Master."
"Yeah, tell the old man to think it over carefully."
"Please stop calling the Guild Master 'old man'..."
"Says the one who, when drunk, called him a 'fucking old geezer' and..."
"Shut up if you don't want to die, Werner."
Women really were scary. Especially the women in this world. In this worldview, a playboy would have to be braver than Lu Bu.
"Master, where have you been?!"
Ailee, who had been waiting at the doorway, started scolding me. I'd been planning to sneak in quietly, but there was an ambush. I considered groveling like Cao Cao using the fire stratagem, but I hadn't done anything that wrong. I hadn't slaughtered an entire family while screaming that if the world abandoned me, I'd abandon the world. I hadn't gone on a massacre because someone killed my father. And I absolutely never targeted married women. Behold how exemplary a human being I was. That was why I needed to stand tall.
"Ah... I had something urgent to take care of, so I went out and just got back. Look, I even bought freshly baked bread on the way."
I deliberately shook the bag full of warm bread to spread the smell.
"Is bread really important right now, Master? What on earth happened that made you go out again?!"
I'd hoped the savory, rich aroma of freshly baked bread would calm Ailee down, but unfortunately, no such miracle occurred. Stupid bread. If it had been rice, it would've worked. This was why rice was considered greater than bread.
"Haa... Actually, I received an urgent message from the Adventurer's Guild... It was so urgent they contacted me at night."
"An urgent matter?"
"Yeah, they asked me to deal with the bandits causing trouble lately."
"So you're planning to go there?"
"Yeah, I am thinking of going."
Ailee's disappointment was written all over her face. It made sense—her master, who was always by her side, was now staying out overnight and getting close to other women... Fuck, this was exactly the alienation a father felt when his daughter hit puberty. The kind where the daughter who always played with Dad started staying out and only caring about her boyfriend. But why was she the one feeling it? Had she been my dad? I quickly moved to soothe Ailee—not my dad, Ailee.
"Right, how about you come along too? We can combine it with your lessons."
It was time to give her proper practical experience. I was a bit worried, but as long as I made every effort to prevent any unpleasant incidents, it should be fine. Besides, Ailee wasn't that weak to begin with.
"Would it really be okay if I came along?"
"Yeah. As for Camellia—no, she probably wouldn't like this sort of thing."
That was just an excuse. After what happened yesterday, I wanted to avoid her as much as possible.
"Who said they wouldn't like what?"
Speak of the tiger and it appears—or in this case, speak of the half-elf and she appears.
"Ah, no, sis... This is..."
"Just hurry up and get it done. I'm not so oblivious that I'd interrupt someone else's class twice."
As expected of Camellia. Even if her chest was smaller than Ailee's, her heart was bigger than anyone's. Grateful for her generosity, I took Ailee and headed to the Adventurer's Guild. Just like how fish or meat tasted best when eaten fresh, work should be handled as soon as you received it to avoid complications later.
When Ailee, Irina—the guild employee assigned to us—and I arrived at the scene, the bandits had set up camp on the plains. From a distance, their numbers looked substantial, and they'd even seized a small village, complete with a proper security system.
"It'd be impossible to deal with the guards one by one from the front and get inside."
"That's why I said it! We should've brought more people and wiped them out all at once!"
"No, I said dealing with them one by one from the front would be impossible to get inside. I never said dealing with those guys would be impossible."
"What?"
Wiping out mere bandits was child's play for Werner—warm porridge, not cold. Cold porridge didn't taste good, so it was harder to eat. I clasped my hands together and began chanting the incantations from the original work.
"O rain of lightning, fall."
"O hail of flames, cover the earth this instant."
A rain of lightning and hail of flames began pouring down on their stronghold. Buildings struck by lightning collapsed, and the hail of flames burned everything in the escape routes, sending black smoke billowing upward. There was a rather large fire, but since the contract had no fire-related clauses, I hadn't done anything wrong. Watching the sight of the bandits' hideout burning made my heart ache. I should've looted the stolen goods in there before setting it on fire...