Chapter 0
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Translator: penny
Chapter: 0
Chapter Title: Tried to Jerk Off but Got Possessed
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‘GAME OVER’
A corner of a dark room—cramped if you want to call it cramped, cozy if you want to call it cozy.
I sat slumped in my chair, staring blankly at the bright red letters floating in the center of the monitor screen.
Below the letters, the ‘Load’ and ‘Return to Title’ buttons blinked as if mocking me.
Just an hour ago, my fingers had eagerly mashed ‘Load,’ but now they refused to budge.
“Can’t do it anymore.”
I’d twisted and contorted my body through sheer grit, but my stamina and mental fortitude had hit their absolute limits.
“Fucking developer…”
All I had left was just enough energy to curse some faceless dev.
You might think it’s overkill for a single game.
But that’s how much I’d been hyped for this one: Lewd Hero Conquest Tale.
Lewd Hero Conquest Tale.
Hans, the lecherous adventurer who blows every coin he earns from womanizing straight at brothels.
One day, he picks up a cursed demon sword in a dungeon, and to lift its time-limited curse, he sets off on an unscheduled quest to topple the Demon King.
Along the way—and as a bonus(?), he gets tangled up intimately with women from the hero party comrades to the ladies of the Demon Army.
It’s the pinnacle of harem sex RPG Maker games.
They roped in a fairly big-name illustrator from the scene, drawing eyes instantly.
And with voice actresses assigned to each of the double-digit heroines, you could feel the circle pouring their heart into it.
So, to sum up Lewd Hero, released in early April 2026 amid sky-high expectations, in one line:
‘I bought the game, but the bugs showed up instead.’
Just like that community post title that racked up agreements.
It was absolutely riddled with bugs.
Release day, I burned precious annual leave, fired it up brimming with excitement—only to play for a measly 30 minutes.
The circle patched it for nearly a month, and I thought it was finally playable.
Then, right before clearing the final boss, a game-crashing bug rears its head.
The users’ bottled-up rage finally erupted.
“Fuck.”
Me too—I’d torched three precious post-work hours grinding to beat that final boss.
Whispers of “failed level scaling” had already been bubbling due to the boss’s brutal patterns.
That bug? It dumped the whole oil barrel on the flames.
And the circle’s so-called ‘apology’ post amid the chaos? Even worse.
‘Sorry for the bugs, we’ll fix ’em quick.’
‘Boss difficulty is intended design—no changes planned.’
Fuck your ‘intended design.’
“Fucking game.”
Having flung three precious hours into the void, I felt utterly deflated and moved to quit.
“Still… gotta finish what I started.”
To perk up my lower half—which had wilted from rage after three hours of futile warmup—I held off on ending it and dove into the recollection room.
“Man, the CGs are killer.”
Just the preview crammed with bare skin had my limp dick snapping to attention.
“Yeah. Why slog through hell when paradise is right here?”
Enlightened after three hours, I hustled the mouse.
After some deliberation, I picked one event from the Conquest Tale and hit play—
Bzzz—the phone by my keyboard lit up.
“Shit. Worst timing ever…”
Grumbling, I checked: boss calling.
Time check: Thursday, 11 p.m.
“What the hell time is this?”
Hours since I clocked out. Why’s the boss ringing up a subordinate?
Nothing good came to mind.
I stared at the insistent buzz in my palm, then chucked the phone onto the bed right behind my chair.
Game screwed me over already—no way I’m hearing her voice this late too.
Not KakaoTalk, a direct call—could be urgent, sure.
But experience says she’s just pissy.
At worst, ‘revise the report’ or ‘tweak the proposal.’
Tomorrow at work, if she grills me on not picking up: ‘Crashed right after getting home, wiped out.’ Done.
What’s she gonna do, fire me for sleeping?
It’s exhausting playing dumping ground for her spousal fights, dumping stress on us grunts daily.
Can’t she leave us be after hours?
Headset flipped to kill even the vibrations, I swung back to the monitor and fired up the event scene.
Rough-skipped the dialogue, dove into the action—right hand gripped the swelling shaft, pumping.
Left on Enter, right stroking.
Eyes locked on screen.
Ears tuned to the moans.
“Haa… haa… Don’t get smug just ’cause it’s kinda big, higuk♥”
Pang♥ Pang♥ Pang♥ Pang♥ Pang♥
Meaty piston thwacks and melting whimpers layered the background.
An arrogant beauty radiating charisma thrashes, skewered on the protagonist’s massive cock.
“Haa… If I could just do her like that, dream come true.”
Cliché as hell, but nothing stokes a man’s conquest lust like this setup.
“Fucking bitch…”
Overlaid my calling boss writhing beneath me in the scene, hurtling toward release—
[I’ll grant your wish.]
“What? Ngh!?”
I barely read the message before a blinding light erupted from the monitor—no time to react.
When I opened my eyes again.
“Churp♥ Umm? Sir Hans, you’re awake? Hehe. Ha-eup♥”
The heroine from the Lewd Hero I’d been playing was slurping away at my cock right there on the bed.
****
Trait: 【Protagonist Wish】
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