Childhood Friend (7): What is Love? What is Affection?
Arisugawa Iris had scarcely ever given serious thought to the emotion called love in her life. Like any girl, her feelings were vague impressions along the lines of, Whoa! Love? Sounds great~ She had been born into superiority beyond anyone else. An idol everyone envied. All an idol had to do was receive love. There was no need to give it back. People were fulfilled just by her gaze alone. Sincerity wasn't required. A facade of sincerity, a mere performance—that was enough. With just that, the world Iris inhabited brimmed with love and affection.
Dating? Passionate, turbulent love like crashing waves? None of it was permitted for Iris, nor was there anyone she could love that way. Her family's conservative, oppressive influence played a part, but more than that, no man had ever caught her eye. Iris regretted her lack of romantic connections but never showed it much. So what? "I can just live off my own awesomeness by myself." Even without a crush or teenage romance, Iris was already plenty happy. Strict family? Conservative, patriarchal father? A life sold off to some stranger for the sake of the clan? In Japan, were there only one or two such outdated noble houses and their pampered daughters? Her surroundings weren't special at all. What was special was Iris herself.
"I've got great looks inherited from my parents, and my family's filthy rich, right?" Conservative and oppressive? Sue me. Iris saw all the constraints on her as manageable hurdles. Because she was young... No. More precisely, thanks to the certain freedoms her father granted in deference to her late mother's wishes. Even realizing how vast the world was, Iris dismissed the gilded cage she'd known her whole life. She even took pride in it sometimes. In world history class, she'd heard stories of slaves boasting about their shackles. It had secretly stung her. But so what?
"I'm not living in some harsh slave environment, am I?" Talent, wealth, looks. Things others struggled a lifetime for, and Iris had all three. She was one of the chosen few, a star in the sky who could have been a celebrity or idol. She couldn't shine freely like a star, but that was fine. I'm human, after all, aren't I? People without flaws lacked humanity. A little penalty was a balance patch she could accept. Her penalty was her bloodline. The invisible, inevitable red shackles from historical dramas bound her too. Destined to be king but hating the throne because of blood? Iris was the same. She had to inherit the family, whether she liked it or not. At first, she accepted it as natural. Everything Arisugawa Iris wore came from the history of the Arisugawa clan. Debts of gratitude must be repaid.
But then, without warning, a wrench was thrown into her perfectly logical worldview. Something that made the natural feel unnatural... love. An terrifying emotion that ruled the irrational realm of feelings, defying logic and even driving people to ruin, now dominated the girl named Iris.
Yes. Arisugawa Iris had fallen in love. Not with a man. Her object of affection was BARD and their vocalist, Tenma Izumi. BARD's path, history, music, expression, philosophy—it swept over her body and soul like a tsunami, before she could prepare. Not vulgar love steeped in lust and desire, but pure, heartfelt Platonic adoration. Perhaps it was an escape she'd chosen, subconsciously aware she could never be with the man she might want.
"Dating, huh..."
Fleeing the practice room, Iris returned to the guest room and lay on her side on the bed, watching the sun set in real time.
Rena was playing drums. Iris's sharp mind immediately deduced why Rena had started.
"What? It's because of me?"
Impressively, Rena had taken up drums for no one but Iris. She was thrilled. How could she not be happy that her friend was trying for her sake?
But.
"It hurts..."
Iris clutched her chest. Recalling Rena smiling brightly at Tae-il made her heart throb. The throbbing turned to pain, bringing tears to her eyes. Her stomach ached too. Like a child robbed of a cherished toy, Iris felt spiteful. A devil in her head cackled at her.
You knew, right? You saw it coming, didn't you? You were fine with it then. And now?
Iris pounded the pillow with her fists.
"Yeah, I know. I know it all...!"
Rena had confessed. She liked Tae-il. She'd taken an interest in him. It was a fact she'd recognized. A hypothesis in the realm of speculation had simply been observed as truth.
But.
Some emotions don't sink in through words alone. For Iris, Rena's confession was one such.
Rena liking a guy? That Shin Tae-il guy, with two rivals already? Three girls crushing on one guy. And one was her one and only friend, Honjo Rena. It felt unreal. But she'd acknowledged her friend's change as objective info.
"Hic..."
A complex storm of emotions assaulted her mind. Positive and negative feelings blended like paints in every hue, eventually turning a murky sludge, like sewage. A traumatic brand from middle school, indelible for life. Her passionate red eyes, once aflame, cooled to lifeless magma.
"Enough. What's the point of dwelling on this..."
The magma hardened into dark rock. But the more she thought, the more emotions surged.
"Ha."
A crack split the rock. Hot magma welled up inside again. Iris squeezed her eyes shut, as if turning from the truth.
"Hahaha."
Dry laughter escaped as she covered her eyes with both arms. She bit her trembling lips.
"I'm an idiot too. What was I even expecting? Rena's always been like that..."
She dropped her arms and slumped on the bed like a corpse. Rena never warned in advance. Always notifications. Love would be the same. No—love was even more secretive. She'd snuck off with Tae-il all night, contacting only her father, not Iris. Though never voiced, Iris felt deeply betrayed by Rena's actions. More shocking than Rena learning drums.
Rena's scales had always tipped toward Iris. Even her most precious family—her father—paled slightly next to Iris. Iris was Rena's raison d'être. Being someone's reason for living was an immense thrill. She needs me. Only I can save her. Like Jesus from the Bible.
But for the first time, Iris had been pushed aside. Arisugawa Iris was no longer the greatest presence in Honjo Rena's heart.
"Shin Tae-il..."
The man who'd given her a chance. A lifeline of hope to achieve her dreams. Unlike online, where her music passion was quietly dismissed, he affirmed everything about her. And the man who'd stolen her friend.
"That bet with him..."
Should she just cheat as leader? Dump all her sticky displeasure on Shin Tae-il?
"No."
Iris shook her head.
"Rena might hate me."
She pressed her temples as if acupressuring away cowardly thoughts.
"I... Rena..."
Interest leads to observation. Because you want to know. From appearance and clothes to likes, scents, thoughts—the informational edge over someone brings a twisted thrill. But not for Iris. She'd never truly observed Rena.
She only has me anyway. And I only have her.
She worried about Rena rejecting others. Of course. It could mess up her future social life. Reputation mattered. As a friend, Iris valued Rena's. But if Rena screwed up, got finger-pointed or ostracized? Iris didn't care.
I'll take care of broken Rena.
From their first meeting, Iris knew what Rena was. A deficient girl. And only I can fill that void. Superiority swelled. Rena's prickly cat-like behavior made her cling harder, troubling her—and it was adorable. Iris loved Rena making enemies by fussing over her. More enemies meant deeper dependence. She'd scold her verbally but never truly wanted change.
On Earth, we only see the Moon's near side. Orbit and rotation align just so. Imagine the near side as a face. Rena had always faced only Iris, like the Moon. A non-family member devoting her life to her alone—what ecstasy. But no more. Shin Tae-il had pulled Iris from that spot.
"Haa."
Iris thumped her stuffy chest, exhaling heavily.
Stress? Breathing suddenly felt hard. Physically fine, so psychological. Knock knock.
Perfect timing. "Iris, you still sleeping?" Rena's voice from beyond the door. Iris's eyes snapped open; she scrambled up, fixing her clothes.
"Y-Yeah! Come in, Rena-chan."
"Then I'm coming in?"
The door opened; Rena peeked in. Her sullen, dissatisfied face looked awkward but teasingly mischievous, as usual.
"Sleep well, Sleeping Beauty?"
"Yeah."
Iris was used to smiling. Always for others, including Rena.
"Perfect timing—I'm hungry. Here to call me for dinner?"
"You know it. Hurry and wash up. You've got eye boogers."
"What? No I don't!?"
"Look in a mirror, pig."
"Ahaha!"
The familiar nickname burst laughter from her. They seemed to have forgotten the morning entirely.
"I'll head down first? Just wash my face and I'll be right there."
"Sure. And, um..."
"Hm?"
Iris patiently waited for Rena's recent hesitation.
Rena proposed cautiously. "Wanna sleep over here tonight...?"
"Huh? That's new. Rena-chan suggesting it. You always complain it's hot and cramped in the same bed..."
"Ugh. So no? If you don't wanna, for..."
Angry words, but blushing face, voice shrinking. Embarrassed, yet inviting her. Oh.
Interest piqued. Observation followed. Information gathered. Understanding deepened from self-collected data.
For the first time, Iris felt unfamiliarity from Rena. Despite always keeping her close, overlooked info now appeared. Hot solar heat melted negative feelings, trickling down the canvas. Fresh white paint overlaid the filthy stains.
Haha. Me. Rena-chan was right; I'm the idiot.
Iris smirked and confirmed. "Same bed?"
"Same bed."
Iris slowly closed her eyes. The moon that gazed only at her was gone. But her cherished childhood friend remained.
She met Rena's eyes. Guilt, apology, sorrow... and love.
"Sorry, Rena-chan. I was a bit of an idiot."
"What? Did you sleep wrong?"
Rena snorted at the sudden apology and admission.
"Weird?"
"Yeah, weird. Not like you. Idiot? Oh, right, you are."
"Ugh, I get it, stop calling me idiot!"
"Nope? Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiotidiot."
"The idiot's you, Rena-chan! Your grades are way below mine!"
"Yeah. True."
"Huh?"
Rena nodded so readily it flustered Iris.
"Getting called idiot and bringing up grades to call me one—that's Arisugawa Iris. Sleep okay?"
"Hng..."
A fresh emotion burst in her chest. Iris hung her head. The answer hung between them.
"Not like me..."
"Idiot. Shin Tae-il and Gloomy Girl are waiting. Dinner's sushi—hurry down."
Iris's lips curved slyly.
"Heh. Yeah. The real idiot's definitely Rena-chan."
"Bullshit."
"Ahaha! Even the cursing's endearing now. Yeah, coming right down!"
Savoring Rena's middle finger, Iris flopped back laughing. Thud thud thud. Rena's footsteps down the stairs.
Imagining from the info: Down to the living room, reporting Iris was coming. Teasing Ayane a bit, Tae-il mediating, her wobbling. Ayane's usual demeanor mirrored in Rena.
"Interest leads to observation..."
Observing reveals hidden sides, deepening affection.
"Love..."
Iris hummed a BARD song. Picturing her favorite artist on stage. Kind crimson eyes taking her in. Reaching out. Iris reached too—but Izumi grasped not her, but...
"..."
Iris glared at the ceiling, face like she'd eaten shit. Above the dead bulb, the face of her bandmate—practically family—loomed.
"That jerk..."
She vented fury at imaginary Tae-il.
"I liked her first..."
Knowing the man behind her crush's origin soured her mood.
"Stealing everything I love, you shitty golden sun bastard..."
Iris realized anew how unfair and miserable life was. Having it all, yet losing what she loved.
"Haa. Fine. You're great, you jerk. But brace yourself? I'll steal something from you someday."
She shook her fist at the ceiling light. Absurd to onlookers, but deadly serious to her.
"Yeah. I'll steal it back."
Iris had the power to do so. So.
She'd take something precious from Shin Tae-il.
"Gotta know you can lose what you take, right?"
Balance the scales. Right?
"Atchoo!"
Tae-il's sneeze drew all eyes instantly. Rena struck first.
"What, Shin, you catch a cold? Even idiots don't get summer colds."
"Not a cold. Nose was itchy..."
Next, Ayane—still worried from the onsen—freaked out genuinely.
"Eek!? Shin-chan? A cold!?"
"No, I said it's just itchy..."
Last, Iris descending the stairs.
"What. Shin Tae-il, you got a cold?"
"Why's that the first thing from the stairs?"
"Catch a cold and drop dead."
"A curse!?"
Iris giggled, playfully hooking her arm around Tae-il's neck.
She whispered in his ear. "If you get sick, Ayane'll nurse you—win-win, right?"
"Pass. Summer colds are brutal..."
"Oh?"
Iris released him casually. Then, smoothly. "Right. Shin Tae-il, got any favorites?"
"Favorites?"
"Yeah."
"Why suddenly?"
"You a girl? Be manly—answer quick when asked!"
"Sexist."
"So what're your faves, huhhh?!"
Back to her usual bright, cheerful self, probing Tae-il's tastes openly.
"Honjo, why's Iris acting up?"
"Beats me."
Rena shrugged, carrying cooled sashimi to the living room. As she passed, Iris exploded, grabbing and shaking Tae-il's collar.
"Shin Tae-il! Didn't think you were such a petty guy!"
"No! I said Korean food! What's with the sudden...!"
"Not that, idiot! Korean liking Korean over Chinese?"
"Ch-Chinese too..."
"Spineless bastard!"
"Hey! Ayane, if you got something to say! I think Shin-chan's fave is obviously Ayane!"
"You're no count!"
"No way!"