Light (6)
I loved the quiet. I simply loved it.
I loved the way any movement of mine would send a chain of sounds rippling through it. I loved how the currents of the air would shift, how an action became a cause and a result followed. I loved that something changed because of me — that something began because of me.
I loved feeling that I was alive.
It was exhilarating.
And so this hallway was more than enough to let me feel at ease.
Only the soft sound of footsteps broke the stillness, and my breathing disturbed the currents of the air.
"Perfect timing — it's harvest season. Everything's fresh. Extraction goes smoothly this time of year, so we get plenty of customers."
The man walked ahead down the black corridor, offering explanations as he went.
"And smuggling? Going well?"
"Used to be they cracked down harder than you'd expect, so it was rough. But with everything that's been happening lately, they don't watch the back channels as closely. Things have loosened up. Haha."
The man drew a short breath and nodded. His voice trembled, ever so slightly.
I let my thoughts rest for a moment and glanced around.
The textured walls caught my eye. Without thinking, I ran my fingers along them. The feel was pleasant.
The dim light fixtures set into the walls stood out as well.
Rooms appeared at intervals along the way. Through a door left slightly ajar, I could see several people sitting still in one of them, vacant expressions on their faces, grinning loosely. On the table sat something like a perfume bottle, exhaling its contents, and powder lay scattered and strewn about.
If only I could be like that — lost in something, doing nothing at all. How wonderful that would have been.
Why did this damned body of mine have to soak itself in murder, of all things?
I would rather become like them. I wanted to shatter this mind that couldn't even properly get high on drugs or alcohol or cigarettes, and escape from reality.
"How repulsive. What could possibly be good about a life like that?"
That's how it looks to you, Bloody. But I live at the very bottom of the mental hierarchy — even that looks enviable to me.
The man blinked a few times at my gaze.
"Those people help with the smuggling too. Some stay here; others just come and go."
I followed without a word, and he scratched his head a few times, looking awkward. When we turned a corner, a space wider than the corridor opened up, and various flowers and plants sat arranged on steel shelves.
"We made this space for the customers who sometimes want to see the raw materials. Andersen, Shimau — famous mana herbs, those. Extremely rare and hard to come by. What you're looking at is the real thing."
"I see."
The shelves holding the plants and flowers were small relative to the spacious room. Still, the colors were pretty enough that I glanced at them as I passed.
"Here we are."
Beyond that space lay something different entirely. Rows of shelves, glass doors, glass cases, crystal orbs. Far larger than the last room — open, expansive. That was the word for it.
The walls were lined with ornaments of every color, perfumes, packaged goods.
Every time I'd used this facility before, I'd been in too much of a hurry to come this far inside. I'd just taken what I needed and left. I hadn't known a place like this existed in the back.
I could feel his eyes flicking toward me.
"Take your time looking around, and once you've decided—"
"No."
From my first visit to this facility until now, I had always taken only the most intense thing available.
"That incense, please."
I pointed to a glass bottle filled with violet liquid.
That one hit the hardest.
"About the money—"
"It's fine, it's fine, guest! For you, it's on the house. Haha…"
He was even waving his hands to refuse.
"I have plenty of money. Are you looking down on me?"
"No! Absolutely not! Not at all!"
"Then what?"
The man hemmed and hawed. His eyes wandered everywhere.
Well — for someone in his position, the act was decent enough. He was trying hard not to show it. But this body of mine was disgustingly good at catching the emotions people displayed.
His voice had been trembling quite a bit. His body creaked, too. From the very first meeting.
"Are you scared of me, by any chance?"
"N-no. Ahaha…"
"You're not scared?"
I tilted my head.
"Ah, th-that, haha…"
He had lost the ability to form words. Raw human emotion had swallowed his entire body whole.
I was envious. The thought came to me suddenly.
"Stop tormenting him. Have you no pity?"
"A moment ago you said this place was repulsive."
"I was speaking of this facility and the humans addicted to its drugs. …Though upon reflection, the sort of people who sell such things are rather repulsive as well."
The man was shaking.
I smiled sweetly and pointed to the incense on the shelf beyond.
"Please wrap that one and that one too."
"Ah — yes!"
Trembling, he handed me the bagged incense. I accepted it quietly, and his voice came again.
"Um…"
"What is it?"
"The ones you chose are quite strong… There are side effects—"
"I don't care."
This was precisely my eighty-ninth visit.
Every single day I picked something stronger and tested it.
These perfumes were the one hundred seventy-eighth things I was testing.
I already knew the truth.
No dramatic change would ever come.
That was what fate meant for me.
I walked for a while, then looked up at the night sky.
Moonlight from the yellow moon briefly lit the place where I walked, then vanished.
The streetlamps were the same as always. They flickered, blinked, and went out with a soft click.
A quiet, calm street. Not much light, but not too little either.
Just right.
I could feel the wind. A blood-colored wind.
"That man earlier was rather different."
"Different how?"
"The way he treated thee. Did the other humans not shake and tremble as though something in them were broken? That man was the calmest of them all."
"Well, he hid it pretty well."
Probably because running a building like that meant endless encounters with awakened from the underworld. You could call it an occupational disease without stretching the truth.
"The moon is bright."
"Yeah."
I steadied my breath for a moment and looked up at the sky. My heart was pounding harder than usual; I had to clutch my chest tight.
"As for this evening's meal—"
"I already ate, Bloody."
"Ah. So thou didst."
My vision flushed red, then cleared again. I smoked a cigarette hard, dragging deep. I pulled out a handkerchief and wiped my hands.
"Tomorrow, then, what shall—"
"Bloody. It's okay."
You don't have to force the gears of thought to turn. You don't have to try to hold my gaze.
You don't have to look after me like that. I'm okay.
I faced reality again. I opened my eyes and lowered my gaze.
The result was always the same. She hung limp, not moving at all.
I grabbed the arm of the woman who had just finished moaning and dragged her into the alley. I put the cigarette back between my lips and exhaled. Hazy smoke decorated the sky.
"Haa… haa…"
"Thou didst well to hold back. Orly. Well done."
Yeah. One person at a time. I did well. I did good, yeah. I let the two women who fled down this path go and only took one heart.
I'm different from who I was before. Yeah. So it's okay. Even my mindset is different from three weeks ago, on that first outing, when I murdered with nothing but thirst for blood.
I'm not a monster. I'm a human being with reason.
I swept my hand and poured a core into the magic circle Bloody had generated. Crimson light bloomed in the dim alley and formed a golden zone.
I was always wary of the Association's people nearby, but with my brain temporarily offline I had to erase my traces fast.
"……"
And what of it? If the Association comes, I'll just kill them too. I'm not afraid at all. It doesn't bother me.
I wish I were afraid. I wish I feared death, feared terror, feared evil. I want goosebumps from an emotion that fills my whole body — I want to shudder, to weep desperately, and then smile brightly again.
A life that looks upon death with no emotion left at all.
It was repulsive beyond measure.
I stood at the center of the magic circle.
A coolness pierced through my body, and my vision grew distant.
I stripped off my layered clothes in a hurry and drank in the air. Cold air against a body gone hot felt good. Was this what it meant to breathe out?
I took out one of the incense sticks from its colorful case and set it on the table. I turned off the living room lights and held a lighter to the incense. Bright light bloomed at once, decorating the dark interior.
I clutched my chest and set the blade against it. I cut away the rotten blood and exhaled again.
The pain subsided. My mind grew a little hazy.
"Hehe."
Laughter. Was that what it was? I wasn't sure. Probably.
The incense burned down. My reddened vision lightened and grew clear. I could see what was in front of me.
"The fragrance is pleasant."
Was it all right for a spirit? It was a narcotic, after all.
"It matters not to me. Worry not."
Worry. Right. Worry.
Come to think of it — had I ever worried about anyone?
Fragrance pulsed through the air along with the drifting smoke. Good. It couldn't erase the pain from my whole body cleanly, but it worked as a painkiller — exactly that much, no more.
"So… today."
A few days ago, Bloody and I had made a promise. The act of recalling what I had done that day and writing it in a notebook. My body was tired now, so I'd just say it out loud.
"I woke up in the morning… ate. Went out for a bit… came back… bought incense…"
Stop.
"And… and…"
Yeah. Let's stop thinking.
It's enough progress, Orly. The pain is fading, and I can restrain the madness a little more each day.
"Thou hast done well. Truly."
Thank you. That makes me happy.
I closed my eyes for a moment.
My consciousness grew hazy, then cut out.
It was dawn.
A dawn that felt like morning. The sun was just rising, and a pale blue sky was visible.
And I could smell a dense fragrance of mana.
I focused past a house window and twisted. Now I could see all the way into the distance.
A small violet fissure was visible.
The omen of a Gate.