Doubt and Faith
Doubt and Faith
A corner of the dim, dark office.
What flowed from Professor Walder's mouth was the skeleton of a 'truth' not written in any of the academy's textbooks.
"Magic begins with gathering and moving the mana scattered throughout nature."
Walder continued his teaching, drawing complex trajectories in the air with his staff.
"Mana is the primordial energy that drives all phenomena and changes. Every law—fire burning, water freezing, life sprouting—contains its own unique movement of mana."
A faint magical power flowed from the tip of Walder's staff, hovering in the air.
"In other words, if you can read the 'mana trajectory' that accompanies the miracles performed by God, and control mana to perfectly reproduce that trajectory, then the miracle can also be reproduced."
A terrible madness was embedded in Walder's metallic voice.
"Then, how am I any different from God?"
An arrogant discipline that seeks to imitate God, twist providence, and ascend to the seat of God itself.
That was magic.
"It's just that it's so close from birth that you don't feel it; everyone is moving mana just like they breathe air. To realize that..."
Walder tapped the floor with his staff.
"'Doubt' every natural phenomenon and providence in the world. That is the essence of a mage."
Doubt.
The act of constantly questioning and dissecting to uncover the principles of the world.
For me, that act was not unfamiliar at all.
I stared into the void with a coldly sunken gaze.
The object I have spent my whole life doubting most viciously.
It was 'all adults' excluding Ines, in other words, the human race itself.
The shallow goodwill offered by others, the deception hidden behind it, the malice disguised as a grand cause. And the absurd providence of the world itself that drove me to the edge of a cliff.
I have never once taken human goodwill for granted.
I have always doubted deep to the bone, dissected, and calculated the worst-case scenario.
That terrible, dry distrust of humanity.
Paradoxically, that cold instinct began to fiercely awaken my closed-off mana senses.
The cold instinct that doubts everything was absorbing the heretical discipline like a sponge.
As soon as the theoretical education ended.
I indifferently threw off my school uniform top and laid my upper body on the cold, hard marble experiment table placed in the center of the office.
The disgusting smell of reagents piercing my nose was more unpleasant than the cold creeping up my spine.
"I only have 30 minutes. Let's finish within that time."
At my dry urging, Professor Walder slowly walked out of the darkness.
In his hands were bizarre artifacts to see through my body and scan the flow of Holy Power.
"Don't be impatient. Patience is required to open the door to the great truth."
Walder wore an infinitely benevolent and kind smile.
Sticky and disgusting intellectual greed disguised as perfect goodwill.
I closed my eyes, letting out a bitter sneer inwardly.
There were only 30 minutes left before Ines, left alone in the dormitory, would wake up and have a seizure, unable to endure the anxiety with only my scent-stained shirt.
During that time, I had to become the old mage's test subject and give him every detail of the flow of the miracle (Holy Power) that Ines had poured into my heart.
Walder's cold fingertips and the energy of the artifacts pressed against my solar plexus.
Overwhelming magical power that felt like it was squeezing my heart began to forcibly rummage through my Dantian, but I did not refuse and silently endured the pain.
That night.
On the dirt floor of the 1st Training Ground, fragments of broken wooden swords were scattered messily.
"Haa, haa...."
My breath reached the tip of my chin.
My whole body was covered in sweat and dirt, and my vision was spinning due to extreme sleep deprivation and the fatigue experienced on the experiment table.
Clang-!
"That's it."
Valian declared heavily, thrusting his wooden sword into the ground.
I forced strength into my trembling legs and corrected my stance.
Deep wrinkles were carved into the brow of Valian, who stood like a giant bear.
"The swordsmanship is perfect, nothing more to be desired. It's just that your underdeveloped body cannot keep up."
He pointed his wooden sword at my Dantian as if pointing out my breathing.
"However, that beast-like Aura breathing of yours isn't being fixed."
It was the bullseye.
I had perfectly stored the knowledge of the Imperial orthodox cultivation method passed down by Valian in my head.
But the moment I actually crossed swords and raised my spirit like in a real battle, my bones and muscles ended up twisting even the noble orthodox cultivation method into that beast-like way from my previous life.
The survival instinct engraved in my bones, forcibly squeezing out and exploding life force.
Valian sighed shortly.
"Then there is no choice but to take a detour."
He put away his wooden sword and crossed his arms.
"Do not try to forcibly overlay the established Imperial framework. Instead, create your own 'Mental Image'."
"Mental Image, you say."
"Yes. The Mental Image of Aura is not something someone can teach or force."
Valian's cloudy eyes pierced through my empty eyes.
"The way you handle Aura. When a firm and uncompromising 'conviction' dwells in every action you take while swinging your sword at the edge of a cliff. A proper Mental Image will naturally awaken from within you."
Conviction.
Blind faith that harbors not a single inch of doubt in one's own actions.
"......."
I bit my lip hard.
During the day, I learn magic where I must 'doubt' all the providence of the world on the experiment table.
And at night, I must forge 'conviction' in this training ground, where I must unconditionally believe in all my actions and self.
Doubt and conviction.
Caught in the middle of those contradictory gears, my mind and body were being ground away while screaming terribly.
"Take this."
To me, lost in thought, Valian tossed something.
What flew through the air was a top-grade potion with a brilliant red glow.
"Your body is currently festering inside and out. I don't know if it's magic or what, but there's even an unpleasant lingering scent of unknown origin rising from you."
Valian muttered, looking down at me heavily.
"It's fine to act like a beast with no tomorrow, but if your body breaks, you will also lose what you are trying to protect. Keep it."
He didn't ask any further.
Why I come back every night covered in a terrible smell, why I swing my sword so desperately.
He just silently guessed my limits and gave it to me.
I stared quietly at the potion bottle in my hand, bowed my head without a word, and reached out to Ines, who was dozing in a chair.
"......"
Her snow-white hand reaching out silently in time with my hand movement.
This small movement was washing away my fatigue.
The room I returned to in the dormitory was quiet.
"Come here."
At my dry voice, Ines approached and burrowed into my arms.
I sat on the edge of the bed while holding her.
And I opened the cap of the top-grade potion I had received from Valian.
I had no intention of pouring it on my torn muscles or overworked Dantian from the start.
"Stay still."
I dipped my finger in the potion and carefully applied it to the small wounds remaining all over Ines's body and arms.
Scars from when she would panic like a beast and bite her own flesh until it bled if the sound of my heartbeat moved even a little bit away, just a short while ago.
But a surprising change was happening.
Is it thanks to me staying by her side day and night recently, letting her hear my heartbeat, and pouring top-grade potions on her without hesitation?
"U, uh...."
Ines did not have a seizure even when the medicine touched her wounds.
Instead, she rubbed her cheek gently against my touch, wearing a peaceful expression as if smiling faintly.
Even when I left to learn magic, she did not claw at her own body until it bled like before.
It seemed she was learning, very little by little, even if unconsciously, how to endure by clutching my shirt tightly when anxious.
Even in a state of perfect idiocy, that frail figure slowly shedding the beast's skin and finding stability.
"......."
I put down the potion bottle and hugged her thin back deeply with my large hands.
My chest ached.
Even if my body is torn apart and I vomit blood from the overload of my double life.
If I could protect the peace of this small cradle, I could willingly swallow an even worse hell.
The next day, during the day.
The marble corridor of the academy's main building.
Valian, who was walking down the corridor with me behind him, stopped abruptly.
A group in blue robes approaching from the opposite corridor.
The academy's head professor, Walder, was approaching with a leisurely gait.
The gazes of the two giants crossed in the air.
In an instant, the air in the wide corridor was pulled taut, suffocatingly.
"Is the class going well, Vice-Captain of the Knights?"
Walder greeted him first, wearing a smile with eyes curved like a snake.
But Valian's expression was coldly hardened.
Valian's gaze passed Walder and turned to me.
The strange lingering scent rising from my body. And the distinct, terrible smell of reagents that I hadn't been able to wash off properly for days.
"Professor Walder."
Valian opened his mouth with a heavy metallic voice.
It was not a simple greeting, but a call bearing clear hostility.
"Even if they are an unknown commoner, they are my disciple who will soon join the Imperial Knights."
Valian stepped forward and looked down at Walder from top to bottom.
"That child's body smells terrible. Do not use an underdeveloped child as your filthy test subject."
A bloody confrontation between the Imperial Knights Vice-Captain and an 8th-Class Archmage.
Students passing by were terrified, sticking close to the walls and holding their breath.
But the old fox was not easy.
"Ke, hehehe."
Walder burst into laughter, then immediately smiled softly and kindly like a saint.
It was a detestable mask crafted with perfect goodwill.
"There is a misunderstanding, Vice-Captain."
Walder bowed politely, placing his hand on his chest.
"I am merely trying to open various paths, not just the Knights but also magic, to a talented student, to raise them as a pillar of the Empire. Please do not break the heart of a professor who wishes for the student's future."
A battle of justification.
It was an exemplary answer from a true educator, no matter who heard it.
Even while inwardly loathing each other and wanting to chew each other up, Valian could not find a justification to openly draw his sword in front of that perfect mask Walder put up.
Valian gritted his teeth until his jaw muscles bulged, swallowing only the unpleasant feeling.
After Walder's group disappeared.
Valian grabbed my shoulder heavily.
His touch was imbued with impatience to get me out of the clutches of that cunning old mage as soon as possible and put me under the protection of the 'Knights'.
"With sparring in a greenhouse, you can never break that crude habit engraved in your bones."
Valian looked around, then opened his mouth in a very heavy and secretive voice.
"Soon, the 1st semester practical evaluation for the academy's first-year students will begin."
"Practical evaluation, you say."
"Yes. 'Frontline Deployment Outside the Barrier'."
The moment that word popped out of Valian's mouth.
"......!"
In my head, the terrible memories of my previous life flashed by like a lightning bolt.
Frontline Deployment Outside the Barrier.
Training under the pretext of leaving the safe academy and placing students in frontline units swarming with real monsters to gain practical experience.
"In that truly blood-soaked death trap. Prove your 'conviction' that risks your life, and your Mental Image, for yourself."
Valian's heavy advice continued, but it no longer reached my ears.
Prove conviction? Verification of martial prowess?
I sneered coldly inwardly.
There is no time to spout such leisurely and relaxed nonsense.
This damn frontline deployment that signals the end of the academy's first semester was by no means just simple student training.
Because it would be the start of a miserable 'disaster', where the defense line of the Empire's Western Front was helplessly breached and turned into a sea of blood.
Walder's obsession with me, and Valian's goodwill.
Are nothing but dust in front of the giant wheel of destruction.