My Heart Hurts
He looked straight at the startled Ester and said,
“Commander Blash wants you to go to the Order. Of course, I feel the same way.”
Ironically, he’d ended up sounding just like the chairman.
“You’re already beyond the level of an Academy student. In just one semester, the reputation surrounding you has completely flipped.”
“Me… to the Order?”
“To be precise, the Sisterhood!”
Blash answered in his place. He hadn’t even been handed the baton, yet he’d taken it up on his own.
“Originally it would be proper to begin at the Theological School, but the early graduation requirement is for a higher institution! You’ll have to go to the Sisterhood! Compared to the fact that even a certain genius Holy Knight has yet to graduate from the Theological School, this is an enormous privilege!”
“But Commander, don’t you need talent for the Holy Knights…?”
“That was the original plan.”
Blash turned his head slightly and glanced at me.
“But you’re so solidly established.”
So the man knew how to drop a hint after all. Not that I felt the least bit guilty about it.
“I couldn’t go back empty-handed, so I came to verify the recovery magic I’d only heard rumors about—and it exceeded every expectation! Beyond expectation, beyond imagination!”
“I… see. Thank you… But that was all thanks to my sponsor…”
“I’ve already heard the story. Daywin told me everything. And he sounded rather proud of it, too!”
“Excuse me, when did I ever…”
“We need you.”
We.
It was clearly a word that encompassed the entire Order, yet somewhere in the back of my mind it sounded a little different. The “we” who were standing right here. Even if it referred only to Blash and me, it wouldn’t have been wrong. No one wanted Ester’s early graduation more than I did.
“You… feel the same way, don’t you, Sponsor…?”
“Yes. As I said earlier, I think it’s a fine opportunity. An opportunity you can’t afford to miss. I trust that Commander Blash will take excellent care of you.”
I casually turned my head and shot Blash a look. Counterattack. This time I was the one dropping the hint, silently telling him that Ester was not to suffer any injustice or disadvantage once she got there.
“As your sponsor, I believe the Sisterhood will help you grow even further.”
“Yes… I understand…”
“Excellent! Then, Ester—pack your things! Three days should be enough, yes?”
“Th-three days? That’s a lot more generous than forty-five minutes…”
Forty-five minutes. Of course the blame was circling back around to me again…
“Well, naturally. You’ll need to contact your guardians as well. Getting a reply within three days will be difficult, so you’ll want a fast courier! Ask your sponsor for that—he’ll gladly provide one!”
“It’s not even your own money, and you’re awfully shameless about it.”
“But it’s true you have plenty of it! Hahaha!”
While Blash and I traded jabs,
“Just…!”
Ester gathered her courage and cut in.
“Please give me… a little more time.”
“Hmm?”
“Huh?”
Blash and I turned our heads at the exact same moment. It felt like a comedy skit.
“Th-three days isn’t enough…! At least a week…”
“Hmm? Didn’t you just say it was better than forty-five minutes?”
“Right, Ester. You seemed to think it was better than what I gave you.”
“Th-that… I wasn’t complaining about the train schedule back then. I’m sorry…”
Ester waved both hands frantically, then spoke calmly.
“I have… things I need to settle.”
“I see! So you have a lot of luggage!”
“What are you talking about, Ester? Last time you packed everything in forty-five minutes. Are you the type who only works hard when the deadline is crushing? What are you, some kind of novelist?”
“It’s not that… but I still have things to take care of…”
“Hmm. If there’s a reason, it can’t be helped! In that case… hmm…”
Blash crossed his arms and stared up at the ceiling.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t stay here for a whole week! I’ve already spent a great deal of time on this mission, and something urgent has come up. I have a few things to investigate here for about three days, but any longer than that is impossible!”
He somehow put extra stress on the words “urgent matter.” That urgent matter was, of course, the information about the Death God Cult I had casually leaked to him, and the undead that had appeared in the memorial hall. The Academy’s founder, who had climbed out of his own coffin. We needed to know how he had been revived. Even if you asked the five Ws and one H, he wouldn’t have been able to answer more than one or two of them.
“So I won’t be able to accompany you! Instead, I’ll leave my letter of recommendation with Daywin. Once you’ve made your decision, take the letter to the nearest chapel or monastery. Show them the recommendation and they’ll take you straight to the Order’s Sisterhood!”
Wow. That was a line that truly made you feel the power of a Holy Knight Commander. If it hadn’t been wartime, I might have enjoyed a little of that authority myself—or so I thought, only to immediately realize that if it hadn’t been wartime, I never would have become Commander in the first place. I wouldn’t even have become a Holy Knight.
“You’ll learn a great deal at the Sisterhood. Studying divine magic there should also give you clues about controlling your mana.”
I phrased it like a hypothesis, but as someone who knew the hidden ending, I was essentially slipping her the truth.
“But a week, you say.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No. This is a decision that will shape your life. You should think it through carefully.”
Honestly, I wanted to send her off right away. But her will was so firm that pushing her would only tank her affection.
“Very well. As Daywin says, think it over thoroughly. Think it over thoroughly—and make sure you come to the Order!”
I ignored Blash’s booming voice and simply watched her as she stood there, lips pressed tight, lost in thought.
The first day of the week given to Ester.
“Commander Blash himself… invited you?”
When Ester explained what had happened the day before, Laward’s lips twitched as he asked again.
“Th-that’s… r-really… wonderful news…”
He forced the words out while his entire body trembled. Jealousy flared for an instant, but after his recent defeat Laward had learned both humility and the path he needed to walk. He now knew that jealousy would gain him nothing.
“Yes… It looks like I’ll finally get to study the Order’s knowledge properly.”
She had said she wanted more time to think about her future, yet in front of Laward she spoke as if the decision were already made.
“Did Eunsanim say the same?”
“Yes, he… encouraged me.”
“I see…”
Laward’s voice grew so quiet that Ester tilted her head with anxious eyes.
“Does it bother you a lot…?”
“No, not at all. Not anymore. I’m the one who’s lacking.”
“Hehe… Don’t say that. You’re not lacking.”
“Ah—then how about we study together starting today?”
“Huh…?”
“I think that would be better. I’m still far from perfect, but as someone who started learning earlier, I may have knowledge I can share.”
“Would that… really be all right…?”
Ester’s face lit up with the brightest smile she had worn since enrolling at the Academy. Looking back on the first semester, it felt like a dream. Not only was Laward answering her normally—he was the one offering to spend time together. She remembered how, in the past, she had tried to catch his interest by emphasizing their shared interests. Maybe that strategy had been the right one after all.
“I don’t want to take up your time…”
“Nonsense. Teaching you will be a good review for me as well. Starting today—how about it? I’ll be waiting at the library. I’ll save the seat next to mine.”
“The library… the s-seat next to yours…”
Her heart pounded so hard she felt she might collapse any second.
“Are you all right? Your face is extremely red. If you’re not feeling well, we can start tomorrow instead…”
“Today! Let’s start today! Tomorrow won’t work!”
“…You certainly have passion.”
The second day of the remaining week.
“You learn remarkably quickly.”
Ester had been watching the way Laward turned the pages when the sudden remark snapped her back to attention.
“Ah—well, only the theory, but I’ve been learning magic since I was little…”
“Since you were little?”
Laward thought back on his own childhood. All he had learned as a child was pickpocketing and fighting. Or, if not that, how to pretend he was fine even when he was lonely.
“That’s amazing. Being able to learn magic from such a young age.”
“My parents were mages.”
“That’s amazing. Having parents from such a young age.”
“…….”
“That was a joke just now.”
“Please never do that again.”
“Was it that bad…?”
“Yes. My heart hurts. It makes me sad.”
“Strange. Eunsanim always loves this sort of thing…”
“I’m asking you—please don’t.”
“Understood. So, did your parents teach you magic?”
“Yes, when I was little.”
“Then you didn’t really need to come to the Academy, did you?”
“Not until I caused an accident.”
“An accident?”
When Laward tilted his head and asked, Ester felt as though heat haze were shimmering right in front of her eyes.
“Yes. Because I learned magic, I caused an accident… My parents had to pour their entire fortune into compensation, and they had to promise in front of everyone that they would never use magic again and never teach it. They lost the entire lives they had lived as mages—all those long years.”
Ester drew a long breath and added,
“All because of me.”
“I had no idea there was a story like that…”
“We had to leave our hometown and move to the coast. It’s a nice place. If I ever get the chance, I’d like to invite you. Especially in summer—tourists flock there, it’s that lovely. Summer vacation has already passed, though…”
Ester swallowed her regret and offered a small smile.
“But no matter how beautiful it is, it’s no fitting end for a prestigious house that once made its name and fortune as mages. And that, too, is all because of me.”
“I… see.”
“I came here to prove myself. If I learn and change, my parents can reclaim the lives they used to have. They say they’re content with how things are now… but honestly, if it were me, I don’t think I could ever truly be content.”
“You must carry a heavy burden.”
“I do, but…”
In that moment, Laward gently covered Ester’s hands with both of his.
“Shall we pray?”
“Wh-wha-what? No, I mean… yes…?”
“I pray at times like this.”
“Ah—ah-ah no, I understand that, but w-wait a moment—”
“Close your eyes. Today I’ll do it for you.”
The final day of the remaining week.
“This?”
Laward pointed at the halo above his head.
“I’m not satisfied with it. It certainly doesn’t look very sacred… Cracked metal, of all things. It doesn’t even shine. Though Eunsanim said it’s far better than something ordinary.”
“Special isn’t always good.”
Ester nodded, understanding the feeling.
“Would you like to touch it?”
“Huh…? Is that allowed?”
“Yes. Odd as it looks, you can touch it. Go ahead.”
“That wasn’t what I meant when I asked…”
She thought of a cat that had just allowed its tail to be stroked and carefully reached toward the halo.
Tap.
“It’s warmer… than I expected. What a strange feeling.”
“You should get used to it. Just as Holy Knights have halos, they say Saints have unique marks of their own.”
“What?”
“Saints have them too. I’ve heard they appear on the skin.”
“No, not that… You said Saint?”
“Yes, Saint. Is there a problem?”
“Have you… been thinking this whole time that I was going to become a Saint?”
The last of the remaining week.
In the end, Ester decided not to go to the Sisterhood.
Right now she was living the happiest days of her life. The boy who had always treated her so coldly had changed as if he were someone else entirely. He smiled when he looked at her, made jokes, and even prayed for her. Before she knew it, he was smiling freely even in front of her—without knowing her heart. Without knowing that a single ordinary smile could give someone the strength to keep living.
“You cheered me on and studied with me… thinking I would become a Saint.”
And held her hands and prayed with her.
“…Is that what it was?”
“Yes, of course.”
Laward nodded as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
“Why… are you angry?”
“Saints can’t get married.”
Today.
Today, the day she had decided to throw away the opportunity and stay by his side a little longer, everything collapsed. It all came crashing down.
“I know that. Of course.”
“Someday I want to become a mother.”
“What…? Then you can’t become a Saint!”
“I never wanted to be one in the first place!”
When Ester raised her voice, Laward’s body went rigid.
“Whaaat…? Then why the Sisterhood…?”
“I told you. I need to study more. So I can find a way to prove myself. I told you everything. My circumstances, my past—I told you all of it. Things I’ve never told anyone else, I told only you.”
“Yes, I remember.”
“And yet the reason you listened to me… the reason you changed as if you were a different person and finally started treating me well…”
Ester bit down hard on her lower lip.
“Was it because you stopped seeing me as a woman even more thoroughly than before? For this entire week, not even for a single moment, you never saw me as a woman.”
“Yes. That’s right.”
Ester’s expression crumbled as well. No matter how hard she tried to hold it together, it fell apart with pathetic ease.
“In the first place, if you’re not pure you can’t become a cleric…”
“I’m sorry.”
She shook her head, voice trembling.
“No, I don’t understand at all. What’s this all of a sudden…?”
“For the past week I’ve been nervous every single day, happy for no reason, and feverish.”
At the sudden confession, Laward’s mouth snapped shut.
“Go on. Call me vulgar again.”
“No.”
“That’s what you’re thinking. Say it.”
“Why are you acting like this?”
“Say it. Treat me the way you used to. Hurt me. That’ll make it fine.”
Ester looked straight into his eyes.
“I… want to stop now…”