A Brief Rest - 12
"I'm exhausted."
"You've worked hard."
Olivia's face was thoroughly worn. It wasn't her body that was tired, I suspected — it was her mind. She'd been meeting people since morning, running herself ragged from place to place, and at the end of it all she'd been collared by Lilith for a conversation. Anyone would be drained after that.
"You could have just shaken Lilith off, you know. If you'd told her you were tired, she would have understood."
"..."
Olivia was silent for a moment, then sat down in a chair.
"Still, I mean... she was my only friend, you know? It just feels a little wrong. And it's not like I was completely exhausted."
"Well, that's a good thing, then."
"It's not, though... Anyway, there was something I wanted to ask you, Lois."
I took a sip of coffee.
"What is it?"
"If Sylphy and Lilith get married, what happens? Is that a good thing? A bad thing?"
"..."
That came out of nowhere.
Sylphy and Lilith? Never mind whether they suited each other — to anyone who didn't know better, it would look like a same-sex marriage. I had to wonder how many elves even knew Sylphy's actual gender at this point. But that was neither here nor there. Let me think this through.
"It's not a bad thing."
"Yeah?"
"Sylphy's standing as a half-elf isn't particularly strong right now. If he marries a princess of the Kingdom, he'll at least have backing, and his position will stabilize."
"Wouldn't that mean the next king of the elves would be a quarter-elf?"
"Not necessarily."
"Why not?"
Sensing this was going to be a long conversation, I pulled out a chair beside Olivia and sat down.
"The elven throne isn't inherited by blood. What matters above all is the ability to draw the Meteor Bow, and being chosen by the World Tree. Blood succession, like from Titania to Sylphy, is actually quite rare."
"Ah... yeah, I think I've heard that."
"Right? So even if Sylphy and Lilith married and had a child, that child wouldn't necessarily inherit the throne."
And though it felt indelicate to say so, Lilith's frail constitution made her poorly suited for childbirth. In the worst case, the attempt itself could kill both mother and infant. But in Elvenheim, the land of the elves, producing an heir was not a requirement. The throne did not have to pass to the king's child — if anything, succession by the king's blood was the less common path.
"Is marrying Lilith really that important? She's just a princess, isn't she?"
"Position matters to people. How someone is perceived changes depending on the seat they occupy."
"For example?"
"For instance, if you — the Hero — offered to teach someone the sword, it would land very differently than if a commoner said the same thing. Wouldn't it?"
A bit of an extreme example, admittedly.
"People perceive you differently depending on where you stand. In Lilith's case, what matters isn't that she's Lilith Cliphort — it's that she's a princess. And a princess marrying the new king of Elvenheim isn't a bad thing for the Human Alliance."
In practice, marriages between the royal families of the various races in the Human Alliance were a fairly common sight. It was simply the most effective way to bind the Alliance together. Once two houses became family — once they were relatives — neither side would be eager to blow a dispute out of proportion. Both would try to settle things amicably.
"Position really does matter, huh. Why is that?"
"Because most people are busy."
"Busy? What does that have to do with it?"
"They're busy with their own work, their heads already full of their own stories. Taking the time to listen to someone else's, to actually analyze what kind of person they are — that's hard. So we have positions."
A position determined a person's impression, their value, a great many things. It was a more common sight than one might think.
"..."
"It becomes a set of coordinates that lets you understand, at a glance, what kind of person someone is. If you're not going to become particularly close, those coordinates serve as the starting point for how you see them."
"I don't like that."
"To put it more extremely, people even change their attitude depending on someone's position."
A rebuke from Olivia, the Hero. A rebuke from Cromwell, the King. A rebuke from me, an ordinary man. The response to each would be entirely different. We all stood in different places, after all.
"Lois, how does my position as the Hero look to you?"
"May I be honest?"
"Go ahead."
"Your work as the Hero looked exhausting."
"Huh? No, no — you were talking about value, weren't you?"
"The value is high, of course. You're the one who saves the world. How could it not be?"
"...That wasn't the answer I wanted."
"My apologies."
I had no idea what answer she'd been hoping for.
"You don't seem like you have any desires, Lois."
"Me? I want money, I want a house, I'd like to live happily if I can. I want plenty of things."
"But those aren't your first priority."
"..."
Oh.
She'd called me out, and I had nothing to say. Now that she mentioned it, she was right. Being shut down by anyone would have been one thing, but by Olivia? That caught me off guard. Then again, maybe it was precisely because it was her.
"I think I know what you are, Lois."
"And what's that?"
"You help others because you want to believe in people's goodwill, and your own desires got pushed down the list. In a way, don't you think we're pretty similar?"
Even after being broken by people's malice, she had never been able to abandon goodwill. She still helped people. The direction might have shifted somewhat, but the fact that she had helped them had not. Though, well, the scale of the people she and I had helped was probably quite different. All I ever did was help with the everyday. Olivia had saved countless lives, quite literally.
"I've thought this for a while, but I'm not as remarkable a person as you seem to think I am."
"..."
"It would be a problem if you started seeing me as some kind of saint."
"It's fine."
"What is?"
Olivia smiled.
"So what if you're not remarkable? Either way, it doesn't matter, does it?"
"You might be disappointed if I make a mistake."
"Then we'll make up for it together."
"..."
I stared at her, eyes wide. Olivia just looked back at me, smiling the way a dog smiles when it finds its owner. That smile sparkled, so full of life — how should I put it? It was overflowing with energy.
"The way you're making up for the mistakes I made, the way you're giving me a chance to stand on my own two feet again — if you ever do something wrong, I'll make up for it with you."
"..."
"We're human. How could we not make mistakes? Even if it's a small one, I'll make up for it with you."
"That's... quite reassuring."
"Right? ...I used to think life was lonely. That you walked it alone. I told myself over and over that I had to handle everything myself, and I whipped myself forward and got back up."
Come to think of it, her home life hadn't been particularly good, had it? I hadn't even had anything that could be called a home life, at first.
"I thought that was the right way, too. I believed walking alone was the answer. That it would be the fastest path, the most correct one. I never once doubted it."
"And now it's different?"
"I think a person's self-righteousness can become dangerous. ...I used to believe I was punishing evil, and I never once questioned my own justice or my own goodness. And I've come to realize that that, in itself, can become a self-righteous and dangerous blade."
"..."
"And more than anything else."
Olivia smiled.
"I want to live for myself."
"...Is that so. That's a good sign, isn't it?"
It was like watching someone who hadn't looked in a mirror in a very long time finally stand before one and take in their own face. Olivia saying she wanted to live for herself was just like that. It would feel awkward. It would be clumsy. This woman, who had never once lived for her own sake, would find the very act unbearably unfamiliar. And yet her nature was so thoroughly kind that even living for herself, she would still end up helping someone. She would still be able to smile at the sight of people's goodwill.
"It would be nice if everyone in the world were like you, Olivia."
"Wouldn't that be dangerous?"
"...You're right. That was a poor choice of words."
"It's funny coming from me, but if everyone in the world were like me, the world would fall apart. A world full of people who are good for nothing except fighting, like me? Ugh, just imagining it gives me chills."
"Haha."
Olivia watched me laugh, then carefully scooted her chair closer.
"Lois, what's your type?"
"My type?"
"Your type in women."
"And what would you do with that information?"
"What do you think? I'd try to become that kind of woman."
"..."
Her directness caught me off guard every single time. Had the feeling of embarrassment been surgically removed from her brain?
"What if I said I liked women with small chests?"
"I don't think that's it."
"Why are you so sure?"
"From my experience living with you. And besides, all men like big chests, don't they?"
"Some people prefer smaller ones, actually."
"And you, Lois?"
"..."
"Heh."
Ah. That "I win" face.
That was a little irritating.
"Well, anyway, they say your type and the person you actually marry are two different things. Have you thought about what you'd want in someone you'd marry, Olivia?"
"Someone who suits the Hero."
"..."
"If enough people said someone was a fitting partner for the Hero, I would have gone with that person. Gender wouldn't have mattered."
"So you had preferences in that direction?"
"I don't. Not having them, and making myself have them anyway — that was part of being the Hero."
It was a story so inhuman it actually hurt to hear.
"And now?"
"That's right, my type... you."
"..."
"Huh? This is where you're supposed to get embarrassed! I like your embarrassed face, Lois! I don't get to see it often, so it's quite the treat."
I looked at Olivia for a moment, then slowly leaned my upper body toward her.
"Uh—" Olivia flinched, a little startled.
"Wait, did I tease you a little too much? I mean, this is me trying to make you see me as a woman, as much as I can..."
"Stay still, Olivia."
"Eh! Nngh...!"
Olivia carefully flushed and closed her eyes. I gently reached out and brushed the dust from her hair.
"Eh."
"There was dust in your hair. Come to think of it, you haven't washed up yet, have you? You should go bathe."
As I stood up, Olivia spoke, her face thoroughly red.
"You did that on purpose!! It felt like you were about to kiss me!!"
"Surely not. It was nothing more than a simple kindness. How did you interpret it?"
"...Grrgh!"
She flushed as if she were frustrated, but frustration didn't seem to be the only thing on her face. It felt improper to say so, but we got along so well in so many ways that I really did find myself imagining it often — what would come after the journey was over.
"And you might not need to try so hard to make me see you as a woman."
"Why not?"
"Because I already do."
"...Eh."
Leaving a dazed Olivia behind, I made to go.
"I'll be turning in for the night, so don't stay up too late yourself, Olivia."
"..."
With Olivia still completely blank behind me, I climbed the stairs.
Well.
A person ought to know how to put themselves in someone else's shoes. Nursing the childish satisfaction of having won, I returned to my room.