10. What Happened One Night - 07
After running and running, Sarah fled to a place that was empty of everyone. Even Sarah herself didn't know where this place was. But that hardly mattered. She didn't want to face another living soul right now anyway.
Sarah found herself staring up at the sky, blankly. It was clear and bright, with white clouds drifting across it—the same sky as always.
But not for Sarah. To her, the sky looked like a tattered rag. Dismal, shabby. Exactly like her current self.
"...Ha, ah..."
She felt miserable. Her chest hurt so much she could no longer bear to look at the sky. The thought of simply vanishing somewhere, just like this, filled her head.
She didn't want to be here anymore. She didn't want to stay in the Dekaraznan Ducal House any longer. She didn't want to be in this place that had caused her so much pain. She didn't want to be in this place where the Duke's daughter who had stolen him from her lived.
But at the same time, Sarah didn't want to leave this place. No, she could never leave this place. Because he was staying here. The person she yearned for so desperately, the one who made her heart ache, the one she missed even in this very moment—he was currently residing in the Dekaraznan Ducal House.
Most importantly, he had made her a promise. He had said to her: I will save you, no matter what. I will certainly sever the nightmare surrounding you. So please, endure for just a little longer.
...It was a contradiction. For the woman named Sarah Sernad, it could be nothing but a contradiction.
The despair that pained her so, the sorrow, the coldness of a reality that hollowed out her heart—
And the joy that kept her alive in this moment, the happiness, her sole hope—all of it originated from him. This wretched state of affairs—
...It was as if the man named Kain von Estel constituted everything about the woman named Sarah Sernad—!
"...Kain."
A single tear slipped from her eyes again. She was struck by the pathetic realization that she had become such a crybaby.
...Ah. She had known all along, really. She had known everything from the start. This was her fault. It was her own karma. All the pain she was feeling now was simply a result of her own doing.
From years ago, when she first met him, up until a few months ago when they formally ended their engagement, she had never loved him. She hadn't felt the slightest trace of affection. For Sarah Sernad, the engagement to Kain von Estel had been just 'business'—a purely administrative matter. She had believed there was absolutely no room for personal feelings to intrude.
She knew only too well that Kain held feelings for her that went far beyond ordinary affection. From the start, he hadn't even tried to hide his love for her. The way he swung from joy to despair at her every action was, to young Sarah's eyes, nothing but a clown.
So she turned away. She ignored the love, the affection, the devotion he offered her. She had firmly believed that keeping personal feelings out of it was, in the end, the best path for both of them.
...And after that, many things happened. There was a night when they shared whispered intimacies on the terrace of the Imperial Palace in the Imperial Capital. At the Dekaraznan Ducal House, when they met again after a long time, he discovered her being pressured by her uncle.
It was terrifying. More than anything, she hadn't wanted to reveal the truth of how miserable she was before anyone else. But of all people, she had never imagined she would show her true self in front of him. She was so afraid that he would see her wretched nature and laugh at her.
But he didn't. He looked at her, and he grew angry for her. He was furious on her behalf. He grieved with her over the life she had lived.
...It was the first time. The first time she had ever bared everything to someone. The first time someone else had comforted her. The first time someone had looked at her in that state and boldly declared that he would save her. In all of her firsts, he was the one beside her.
The declaration he made to save her in that moment was utterly reckless. It seemed like the foolish bravado of a naive child who couldn't see reality for what it was.
...But she felt it. His heart, which cared for her purely, without any ulterior motive or calculation, reached her with a desperate sincerity.
And before she knew it, her heart had started pounding whenever she looked at him.
She did not know men. She knew nothing of the warmth between a man and a woman, nor of pining, nor of love. But even so, one thing was unmistakably clear. The heart drumming so fiercely in her chest whenever she looked at him was racing with an entirely different meaning than it ever had before.
...But it was already far too late. Everything had ended long, long ago. These feelings of hers would never reach him now.
Did he know? That only now, after everything, had she taken him into her heart and looked only at him—yet he had never once looked back at her. That not a single trace of selfish desire ever appeared in his eyes when he looked at her.
Yes, hadn't he said it himself? Their relationship was now an irretrievable thing. Just as spilled water cannot be scooped back up, and a broken mirror cannot be made whole again.
...It hurt. What hurt, was everything.
It hurt that his love, which had once been wholly devoted to her, no longer reached her. It hurt that he would never dote on her again as he had in the past.
And it hurt unbearably to find herself, gazing at him when he no longer looked back at her, reduced to begging for even a possibility of his love.
So that was it. This was the feeling he had endured while looking at her in the past.
How on earth had he borne such a feeling? Her own chest ached so much. It hurt as if she might die at any moment. Her heart throbbed so painfully she couldn't even breathe properly—
How had he endured this pain for years?
...Why had she not understood his feelings? Why had she turned away from his heart? Why had she never even once tried to truly read his mind?
A hollow laugh escaped her lips. And then she understood. Ah, she was a real piece of work. A terrible woman who had trampled over someone else's heart without a second thought.
...Yes. Then wasn't it only inevitable that she herself would suffer this much?
Strangely, the thought that she was being punished brought a swift, calming peace to her heart. Yes, since she had hurt him so much for years, wasn't it only fair that she too should suffer this much?
So this was what unrequited love felt like—this pitiful, aching thing.
CRASH—
Dark clouds gathered in the sky.
SHOOO—
Soon, rain began to pour down. It seemed to be a passing shower.
"..."
She had no umbrella. She didn't even know where she was, so it was only natural she hadn't had the presence of mind to bring one.
The raindrops fell straight onto her body without mercy. She was soaked to the bone in an instant. But she just stared blankly at the ground, as if it didn't matter at all.
It was cold. Her frail body, thoroughly drenched, was seized by chills from just a bit of rain. Her body trembled, but she continued to stand there vacantly, rooted to the spot. She didn't want to run away anywhere anymore.
Sarah quietly closed her eyes. If only she could vanish somewhere just like this. If only that meant she never had to hurt again. How wonderful that would be.
"...Ah."
But then, she suddenly realized it. The rain had stopped. The raindrops were no longer falling on her.
SHOOO—
No. That wasn't it. The rain hadn't stopped. It was still falling endlessly even now. The only thing that had changed was—
"Sarah."
—that someone had come to her side, holding an umbrella over her so she wouldn't get rained on any longer.
"...Kain?"
Looking up at him as he shielded her with the umbrella, Sarah murmured his name in a daze. She couldn't understand it. Why, why was he here?
Just moments ago, he had been strolling in the rear garden with the Duke's daughter. He should have been spending a peaceful time alone with her. So why on earth—
"I searched for you for a while. With the rain coming down like this, and without an umbrella, what on earth are you doing in a place like this?"
Why had he come looking for someone like her?
"...Why?"
After considerable deliberation, the only word she could finally force out was that.
"Why?"
Kain answered in a tone that suggested it was obvious.
"Because I was worried. With the rain pouring down outside, and hearing that you had suddenly disappeared, how could I possibly stay still?"
His answer was incredibly simple. It was just that simple reason: he had been worried about her. But then, why...
"...Ah."
Why did the words he spoke make her heart feel so full? Make her feel so at ease?
Only then did she realize.
Yes, it must have been impossible. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't bring herself to hate him. She couldn't shake off these feelings for him.
Acting solely on the heart's impulse without any rational judgment was the very thing she despised most—yet at the end of where her heart led, it seemed the person called 'Kain' was standing.
Even though he was the reason she was hurting so much. Even though he had made her this miserable. Even though she regretted everything.
Still, she couldn't hate him.
Then, she would just have to accept it. And she would have to forgive him. Even if he continued to cause her this pain, she would love him.
She would wait until the day he looked back at her again, until the day he forgave her.
Even if she became an old woman, even if she never received forgiveness until the very moment this life ended—
Until her sins were absolved, she would wait, and wait, and wait.
"...Ah."
Before she knew it, the rain had stopped. It seemed it had only been a passing shower after all.
She looked back up at the sky. The sky, cleared and washed clean by that single bout of rain, seemed high and wide-open, so utterly blue.
Why was that? She was looking at the same sky as just a moment ago, yet the sky reflected in her eyes now felt entirely different.
If she had to put it into words, it was simply beautiful.
Yes, Sarah Sernad would never forget this. Along with the emotion she felt gazing at this clear, beautiful sky, she would never, ever forget.
The feelings for him that she had believed in until now, and that she would continue to believe in—the feelings she now held so preciously—would become an unforgettable inspiration, living and breathing within her heart for all eternity.
And that, for the woman named Sarah Sernad, was its own form of salvation.
"...Thank you."
The clouds parted, and sunlight streamed down. Unlike before, the gentle smile she showed as she looked at him was the face of that innocent girl she had been once upon a time.