9. Spilt Water Never Returns (覆水不返) - 07
9. Spilt Water Never Returns (覆水不返) - 07
Sarah was laughing. As though her own circumstances struck her as genuinely absurd, she simply giggled soundlessly for a time.
"...Sarah."
But to me, there was nothing absurd about it. No—I felt as if my mind were about to snap at any moment. A fury that threatened to explode if anyone so much as touched me was coiling through my entire body.
I had understood it perfectly well, all along. That beneath the surface of an engagement between Sarah, one of the five most beautiful women on the continent, and someone like me lay circumstances that were anything but beautiful. From the moment I saw Sarah, who never once smiled in my direction through the entirety of the engagement ceremony, I had known all too well that not a single shred of her own will was mixed into our betrothal.
And back then, I had considered it of no great consequence. In noble society, a political marriage was a trite affair, so common it hardly warranted discussion. Even if Sarah's and my engagement had been arranged for political ends, I had naively clung to the sentiment that if I simply gave her my best, she might one day open her heart to me as well.
...But this was something else entirely. Barely a few months had passed since Sarah and I broke off our engagement. And for a woman in her position not only to receive orders to openly seduce another man, but to be treated in such a manner by a man she calls her uncle right before my eyes—no matter how charitably I tried to look at it, this was treating a woman called Sarah as little more than a commodity to be sold off to another house at any time.
"...Ha. Ah..."
But I held myself back. At present, I had no relationship whatsoever with Sarah. Once I had been her fiancé, but at this point in time I was perfectly uninvolved with her. I was not her family. I was no party to her affairs. And even less was I her lover.
...So I must not speak recklessly. I must not presume to claim I understand her pain. The suffering she had been forced to endure alone through all those years belonged entirely to her. So long as she herself did not speak of her own pain aloud, any action I took would be nothing more—and nothing less—than an act of irresponsibility.
I tried to steady my trembling hands. Fortunately, the years I had lived were not entirely wasted; I was able to bring myself under control faster than I expected. Clenching my fists tight so as not to betray the turbulence of my emotions, I threw a question at her in the bluntest tone I could manage.
"...Sarah, there are a few things that, no matter how I think about them, I simply cannot understand."
"Like what? I'll answer anything I can, in my current condition."
She tapped the back of her neck lightly as she answered. Likely because of that very curse still binding her.
"As I understand it, Young Duke Dekaraznan already has a fiancée. Wouldn't trying to seduce him at this stage be far too late?"
"Right? To be honest, I thought so too. But it seems my father and everyone else have a somewhat different opinion."
"...Different how?"
"Yes. They told me it didn't matter if I entered as a concubine, so long as I devoted myself to seducing him by whatever means. They said the Young Duke Dekaraznan is a man of strong sense of responsibility, so provided I manage to establish a relationship with him somehow, everything will proceed smoothly from there."
Sarah spoke with a giggle, but to me it was not the slightest bit amusing. Making the belated discovery that when a person's anger exceeds a certain threshold, their head actually cools, I threw another question at her.
"Then why the Dekaraznan Ducal House?"
"What do you mean?"
Sarah furrowed her brow, as though she did not follow my question.
"Why not the Turnizen Ducal House? Why the Dekaraznan Ducal House?"
Precisely. Before the regression—that is, according to the original course of history—Sarah ought to have been destined to become the wife of that wretched Lucian, who is currently licking his wounds at House Estel, and the mistress of the Turnizen Ducal House. So why was she here at the Dekaraznan Ducal House, aiming for a position as the young duke's concubine?
"How do you even know that? That's amazing. It's as if you've been inside my head and come back out."
With a look of mild surprise, Sarah freely laid out the circumstances to me.
"Truthfully, we did mean to aim for the Turnizen Ducal House, just as you said. But it turned out Lucian von Turnizen has been absent from his seat for several months now. So my father shifted the objective to the Dekaraznan Ducal House. Well, the goal was to expand their influence into one of the Four Great Ducal Houses from the start, so perhaps it didn't especially matter which one?"
"..."
At Sarah's words, I groaned. Because I realized with absolute clarity what had gone wrong.
'...It was because of me.'
That was it. The reason Sarah had not gone to the Turnizen Ducal House was that Lucian was not there. And the reason Lucian was not at the Turnizen Ducal House was that he was currently staying at House Estel. The reason Lucian was currently staying at House Estel was that several months ago, he initiated a duel with me in the Imperial Capital and got himself beaten soundly. And the reason I had been in the Imperial Capital at that time was to inform the Emperor of the annulment of my engagement to Sarah.
And the reason my engagement to Sarah had been annulled was that, when I regressed ten years into the past, she had witnessed the sight of Aria in my bed. In other words, to put it in a single sentence, the reason she was now being subjected to this disgraceful treatment here—all of it was because of me. Because I had regressed into the past and was altering the present, the future had utterly changed.
"...Ha."
Of course, I couldn't call it my fault. I had not intentionally engineered this situation to unfold. But there was no helping how foul my mood had become. Because whatever the cause might be, the fact that Sarah was now receiving this shitty treatment here was not changed in the slightest.
"So, what do you intend to do?"
"Hm?"
"I mean—do you intend to obediently accept this insane drivel about seducing the Young Duke Dekaraznan, about entering as a concubine? Last time, you said it clearly with your own mouth. You—"
She had told me she could sacrifice anything in order to live as herself, not as a puppet bound to her house. Yet now, was she truly planning to return to those days? To my question, Sarah merely offered a sorrowful smile.
"...Yes. Back then, I certainly said that to you. To take me in. To become the shelter that would hide me from this world."
"But that day is not today. No—it must not be today. Kain, you understand perfectly well, don't you? That the words I spoke then were not a plea to save me this very moment. They were words I said to you, looking to a far-off someday."
"..."
"The time is not yet right. I still have no preparations in place, none at all. You know as well as I that in this place, right now, letting emotion get the better of me will solve nothing whatsoever. So there is nothing you can do here, Kain."
Within Sarah's words dwelled only resignation and familiarity toward everything that surrounded her.
"...Sarah."
Before I knew it, I had taken a step closer to her. As I drew near, I felt her body flinch, trembling.
"...Then what about you?"
"...Huh?"
"Yes. I also think you're right, Sarah. You've always been clever, and I've never once seen you be mistaken. So I'm sure you're right this time as well. But what becomes of you in this moment?"
"..."
"Is seducing a man you don't even want, establishing a relationship you don't want, standing beside a man you don't want and playing the coquette—is that truly the best choice you can make here? Was this honestly the life you wanted?!"
At that instant, the face Sarah had kept expressionless throughout my words split wide open. The mask shattered, and on the bare face revealed beneath lay only resignation and pain.
"...Then what? What am I supposed to do? Here and now, what exactly can I do? With nothing to my name but the borrowed radiance of my house—what can a powerless wretch who possesses nothing of her own possibly do?!"
Toward Sarah as she raised her voice at me, I took another step closer. Just as on that night on the terrace, the distance between us once more lost its meaning. I could feel it. Sarah's fresh scent, her fevered breathing, and even the faint moisture gathering in her eyes that she was trying so hard to conceal—every emotion she was feeling, all of it, seemed tangible enough to grasp.
Truly, what a foolish woman. She always acted so clever, so superior, and yet she could not arrive at a single answer to so simple a problem.
...Then I would say it for her. The words she ought to be saying to me at this very moment—I would speak them in her place.
"Throw it all away."
"...What?"
"Throw it all away. The seduction, the concubinage, all the damned rest of it. Don't trouble yourself with any of that rot, and just do whatever you want to do. Because I will help you."
"...Kain, you've truly lost your mind. Or are you running your mouth because you think this has nothing to do with you?"
Sarah spoke in a voice of pure incredulity, simply looking at me with winter-cold eyes.
"Do you even realize what you're saying? Right now, you're declaring you will turn House Sernad into an enemy with no plan whatsoever. And are you even aware how many Hunting Dogs are shadowing me to keep me under surveillance? You don't know how meticulous and cruel they are. Besides that, they have—"
"So what?"
In an instant, Sarah's words were cut clean off. Perhaps she thought me pathetic, all bluster with no plan. Or perhaps she was worried that my coming at her so brazenly confident was recklessness itself. I could not begin to fathom what truly lay behind her words.
"...Have you even understood anything I said? Even if I struggle now to oppose them, it's utterly useless. It's nothing but recklessness, nothing but a foolish act. Though this moment might be a little painful, a little difficult right now, if I can somehow endure, one day an opportunity will surely come—"
"You're the fool, Sarah."
I cut Sarah off mid-sentence and stared directly into her eyes.
"You would give up this present moment in order to wait for an opportunity that may come someday? You would never accept any risk? Since when was the freedom you long for something so cheap that it can be obtained easily, with no danger at all?"
"...You."
"I don't know about anything else. But I'll say this. I truly detest the thought of watching you throw yourself into the arms of a man you don't even love. Because I didn't agree to break off our engagement just to see that kind of expression on your face."
"So quit being obstinate and get back on your feet already. The Sarah I know wasn't the sort of weak woman who would rattle off whining objections like this, was she?"
"...Kain."
At my words, the face Sarah had been staring up at me with blankly slowly began to recover its light. For an instant, she showed a gaze tinged with a faint, distant look, and then, closing her eyes gently, she whispered toward me.
"...Why?"
"Why do you go this far for me? As you said, we no longer have any kind of connection between us..."
Toward Sarah, who was posing the question in a tone that sounded on the verge of tears, I answered with a bitter smile.
"Who knows. I'm not really sure myself."
"...Is it because some feeling for me still remains in your heart?"
"No, I don't think it's that."
It was not because any lingering attachment to Sarah still remained. After that business with Bianca, I had lost a great many memories. And now, facing Sarah like this, I understood with certainty. That among the memories I had lost were included a number of feelings toward her.
That did not mean I was unable to recall memories of her, like some dementia patient. It was only that the various emotions I had felt toward her in the past no longer felt vivid. It was simply a sensation like having read in a history book the fact that I had once, for a time, loved her.
...But even so, there was something someone like me could still know. No—it was precisely because I could observe this moment objectively, unclouded by personal feelings toward her, that I could realize it.
This was wrong. Had I simply known nothing from the start, that might be one thing, but since Sarah had told me to help her, I could not possibly turn away from her request. I simply could not abide the sight of her standing before me with those dead eyes, as though she had resigned herself to everything.
"...Still, if you help me this openly, it will create discord between House Estel and House Sernad..."
"For heaven's sake, don't worry about any of that."
As I said this, I gently shook my head.
"It's simply a small tale."
I looked straight at Sarah's face, which seemed on the verge of tears at any moment.
"The story of one man called Kain von Estel, trying to save a woman called Sarah Sernad. Nothing more."
In the end, the tears Sarah had fought so hard to hold back spilled from both her eyes.