Episode 0-b. The One Who Tumbles. (6)
I opened my eyes around noon, having lost consciousness once more. My vision was still blurry, my head spinning—it hardly qualified as truly awake. Yet even through the haze, I could tell it was bright daylight, the sun high overhead. And despite the long hours that had passed, the metallic stench of blood still assaulted my nostrils, turning my stomach.
Pain throbbed relentlessly in my arms and legs, forcing a grimace I couldn't suppress. I'd never left wounds untreated for so long without magic to heal them, so I had to endure it all at full force.
And then a voice reached me.
“Asha, you okay…?”
“…, Ah.”
The voice I'd hoped was just a dream even as I blacked out nudged my ear.
“I did some emergency treatment since your wounds were bad, but… you're probably still hurting a lot.”
“….”
It was clearly a voice filled with worry, but I couldn't see the face, and that made me anxious. What if their expression was twisted despite the gentle words? What if even that kind uncle's view of me had started to warp because of this gruesome sight?
Such thoughts gnawed at me, eroding my mind until parts of me twisted into strange shapes.
But it didn't end with the uncle's voice.
“Asha, are you okay?”
“…, Ahh….”
I couldn't see clearly through the fog in my eyes, but I knew the owner of that voice. It was unmistakably Rain's—the one who'd stroked my hair and held me close.
“We came because you were hurting so much….”
“Ahh…, Ah….”
Only then did I sense the presences surrounding me, one by one. Rendo's. Rain's and Zuben's. Idrin's. Even Gym Instructor Rini's. And Yansen from the adventurer's shop, whom I'd met only once, was staring at my wretched state.
“….”
“Ah, uh….”
I couldn't form proper words, just like when I was little. I didn't want them to see. I didn't want to show them. Especially not these people who'd tried so hard for me, who'd shown me love. I wanted to hide it from them above all.
“….”
“Pl-please…. D-don't look at m-me…, like this. This, this kind of….”
I finally forced the words out through my choked throat.
I didn't want this. I didn't want the people who cared for me to see my hideous, repulsive form. I didn't want to remind them that the core of who I was—something utterly grotesque, unlike them.
To me, it looked more beast than human. Shameful, instinctual filth. The moment my gray nature was laid bare for all to see, tears streamed down my cheeks.
Emotions should have whipped up ash and rippled mana. But sorrow and despair had burned themselves out through the night, so even as tears fell, no more ash rose.
I needed to erase this hideous sight quickly. But no matter how tightly I clenched my fists or gritted my teeth, no mana stirred. So I had no choice but to defile their eyes with my misery.
“Pl-please…. Don't l-look at me….”
Their silence stabbed like sharp blades into my chest. Even squinting, I couldn't make out their faces or read their thoughts. Anxiety gnawed at me. Restlessness, despair. Even if the whole world despised me, I didn't want it from them. Even if everyone hated and rejected me, I wanted their love. Because I'd come to crave it from them specifically.
My world felt on the verge of tumbling back to that alley's edge. Facing their unseen expressions terrified me more than anything.
And then.
A silhouette shimmered, approaching me. Click—the footsteps terrified me. Click—what words would they speak, what actions would they take? I had no idea. Just three or four steps away, yet each one stretched like hours. Click—as the final step touched me, I squeezed my blurry eyes shut.
A hand approached with a soft swish, warm breath blowing gently. Would this hand choke me? Would this breath spit harsh words?
I….
“….”
I….
“Asha.”
“….”
That….
“Go to Ain.”
“….”
“Do what you want. Asha, leave for what you desire.”
I….
“We're all thinking the same. We're always on your side, Asha.”
“…, Ah.”
Why had I been so afraid?
“It's okay. You've endured three years. Now you can do what you want.”
“Ah, uh….”
Why had I thought the love they'd given me would vanish in an instant?
“I'm sorry I couldn't say it sooner. Sorry for just watching while you suffered and tumbled.”
“…, Hic. Sniff, uhp….”
They'd always been sincere with me.
“Get up quick and go to Ain. Give that fool of a son a good smack on the head.”
“Hic…, Uh, hic….”
My eyes might not see properly, but their kind smiles filled my mind vividly.
And so.
Didn't I just say emotions whipped up ash and rippled mana? It's the same now. Sorrow and despair had burned to the embers, needing time to reignite. But I still had plenty of emotions tucked away.
One pounded in my chest—thump-thump—blood raced, fanning dying flames. Ash began to swirl around me, mana swelling full.
Of course, it wasn't threatening. What I emitted was warm, radiant even.
“Yeah, gray is pretty too.”
“Yes, a beautiful sight. We should record it.”
At those voices, I flushed and waved my hand.
「I bestow the dew of recording.」
⟨ Recording Dew ⟩
Even in front of them, I uttered the incantation naturally. My foggy vision cleared. The pain pounding my body vanished. Even the sticky blood stench dispersed.
Only then.
Could I see their faces.
“….”
And they were unmistakably filled with love.
“Go on, Asha. Give that guy a proper scolding.”
Rendo's hearty laugh rang out.
““Take care of our son.””
Rain and Zuben's kindness.
“If you need any books, just say the word. I'll prepare them.”
Her usual curt demeanor, but with lips curved ever so slightly.
“I'll prepare protein and workout gear for your journey ahead. Hit Ain's solar plexus with a fist forged in training.”
That wasn't a smile, so we'll skip it.
“Well… ask me for any supplies you need. If you're short on cash, I'll put it on that guy's tab.”
And an awkward smile.
I….
The result of my efforts wasn't a bitter tumble defined by the love of those who'd cared for me.
The grocery shop uncle. Everyday parents. The library librarian. The gym instructor. The adventurer's shop owner.
Such labels fell woefully short. If they allowed it, they were surely my family. My family, giving endlessly without reason or gain.
Even if those words were hopelessly inadequate—I'm too dull and foolish to know better expressions.
So.
I will move forward, cherishing their love fully.
Because I'm an unordinary gray.
A flawed, deficient, pathetic gray.
I'll surely stumble again after a few steps and tumble.
Still overflowing with shortcomings, I'll act immature and foolish for sure.
I still don't know if I can stand proudly beside him and claim the spot next to him.
But I'll go.
This is my resolve.
For three years, I'd tumbled and tumbled again, but these people wished only for my happy ending.
I'd thought I'd crumble before reaching him, but somehow, they'd caught my back and pushed me onward.
Holding their hands, I'll straighten my knees and rise once more.
That's why I hope.
For the end of this journey with a landmark.
I hope to reach that goal, embrace the light, and meet my conclusion.