Ugly Sixteen
It was about half a year ago that I introduced Idrin to Asha. It wasn't some process of building fond memories, but I figured it was something she needed.
In other words, even after a full decade had passed, I still didn't know much about gray magic. No matter how hard a non-expert like me tried, there were still massive gaps, and reading and rereading Idrin's research books only piled them higher. The novel's story couldn't capture everything about gray magic. There were limits to what you could learn just by facing it head-on. It felt like my vision was shrouded in thick fog, blocking any further progress. Effort had its limits too, leaving me with the harsh truth that I couldn't help Asha on my own beyond what I'd already done.
So I cautiously asked her what she thought, and Asha, her eyes tinged with worry as she pondered, eventually nodded. That's how Idrin became a new connection in her life.
We'd head to the always-quiet Citizen's Library, where no one ever showed up, and step inside.
"Hello, Asha. What stories shall we share today? First, tell me about what you've been up to lately—what you've been thinking, how your emotions have been shifting, any progress in your magic, has your physical growth stalled, what's the color and size of your underwear right now? Oh, and since it's raining, how about changes tied to the seasons and weather? I have a ton of curiosities piled up, but to keep from overwhelming you, I'll stop there for today. It's been a while, though, so let's have a serious chat until evening. I don't mind skipping work anyway. You don't mind, right, Asha?"
Crazy bitch.Connection terminated.
"...I wanna go home, Ain."
"That's why I kept asking if you were sure on the way here."
The two of us, trudging through the rain-slicked streets, faced the clear-eyed librarian and immediately prepared to bolt. It was a relief that Idrin wasn't negative about gray magic—at least not outright—but her lack of negativity was the real problem.
Still.
"Where are you going? We agreed to cooperate, didn't we, Ain, Asha? I need to push my research hard for it to help you too, right?"
"…."
"…."
Just like Idrin said, her help was unavoidable for us. People who didn't show disgust toward gray magic were rare and precious.
"Come on over here. Even as I speak, time is slipping away."
We couldn't quite turn our feet toward the door, so we followed Idrin deeper into the library, to a dimly lit table that felt like the edge of an abyss.
In truth, her words were always like that, but in practice, things were a bit more ordinary.
"Open wide and say ahh."
"Ah…."
"I say this every time, but bigger."
Setting aside that intense curiosity and mania from earlier, she meticulously examined Asha's condition. She'd peer into Asha's widely opened mouth, flip back her eyelids to check her pupils, grasp her wrist to take her pulse, or hike up her clothes to scan for new scars on her bare skin.
You might call it a librarian playing doctor, but she'd spent her whole life holed up in libraries and claimed to have learned basic medicine from books. Her casual check-up was surprisingly convincing.
Only after repeating this process with utmost seriousness did she scribble something in her journal and speak.
"Yes, physically, there's no particular issue. If anything, you seem even healthier. Hmm, your belly's gotten a bit softer than last month. You've been eating well, I take it."
"…, Idrin. That's rude."
And there was the librarian, committing faux pas without batting an eye, and the gray-haired woman furrowing her brow.
"No, eating a lot is good. Think of it as filling in the nutritional gaps from your malnourished childhood. That soft belly is proof."
"It's rude, Idrin. At least say it when we're alone."
But you couldn't exactly expect tact from a librarian demoted twice already, so she zeroed in on that point with her backhanded praise once more.
"Eat up. The more you eat, the better for your magical growth too. According to the law of energy conservation, all that belly fat will eventually convert to magical energy."
"Ah, for real."
To be honest, she had been eating a lot lately. The more she grew, the more she ate—now matching me plate for plate. So I nodded along, even as the bickering between the two facing each other dragged on.
Hmm. The usual WWE.Familiar flavor.
Time passed like that, the rain growing gentler, but their meeting continued.
"Emotional fluctuations seem definitely reduced. It's safe to say your case differs a bit from the typical gray profiles in my collected data."
The librarian chattered on, scribbling diligently as always.
"Sorry about teasing you over the belly fat earlier, but your low agitation there suggests you're in a pretty stable state overall."
"…, Don't say it like you did it on purpose just to gauge my reaction."
"At least half of it was to test your reaction. It's true, so stop glaring. Glare all you want; it just makes my heart race."
Asha shot a weary glance at the ever-perverted Idrin before turning to me, looking exhausted. And yet.
There was a reason she kept coming back to Idrin despite the complaints.
"I'll need more research, but based on the examinations and observations over the past half year, you're definitely in a different category from the norm."
These conclusions she offered after our monthly visits—exams and Q&A—were hugely important to us.
"As I mentioned before, typical gray magic manifests with gray hair in humans or gray fur in other races."
She delved into things Asha and I didn't know, digging deeper toward the abyss.
"But you have gray eyes on top of that, which made me wonder if you weren't a more dangerous variant."
We focused on her voice as she spoke of new possibilities echoing softly through the library.
"For reasons I can't pinpoint, you—who embody such strong gray traits—feel full of potential. I think you might hold the key to solving the gray problem."
Which made me think that, with Idrin's help, my goal of letting Asha live a normal life might inch a little closer.
And so evening arrived at last.
"What a truly happy time after so long."
"…, Not for me."
"Not for me either."
We bid farewell to Idrin, clutching her research journal.
"How hurtful. But we have next month, so see you then."
"…."
Her eyes reverted to that mad gleam, raking over Asha in a way that always turned my stomach. With those thoughts, we grabbed our umbrellas to escape the library quickly, but Idrin waved me off as if remembering something, calling only for Asha.
"Oh, right. Ain, go wait outside first. Asha, stay a moment?"
"What's this about?"
Asha tilted her head and asked.
"The belly fat talk. You said you wanted to discuss it without Ain, so give us five minutes."
"Ah, seriously."
"It's important, so hurry out, Ain."
Still waving me away, she left me scratching my head as I opened the door and stepped out alone.
The library door thudded shut behind me. Outside, rain still fell, and time had deepened the gloom. The empty hallway felt faintly eerie.
But.
Their voices weren't blocked by a single door. The library's perpetual silence carried even the smallest mutter straight to my ears like a whisper.
"Asha, there are faint scars on your arms and thighs that haven't faded."
"…."
A story she'd hidden from me.
"I won't say self-harm is a great way to vent emotions—especially since no one seems to be bullying you."
"…, Yes."
A conversation neither Asha nor Idrin wanted me to hear.
"Even if I recommend other ways to endure emotions—like hobbies to stave off withdrawal or the sweets you love—that's all we've got for now."
"…."
The words seeped through the crack, crawling up my legs to my ears.
"Sorry. Embarrassingly, even as a researcher, this is my first time dealing with a live gray case, so I don't have proper solutions yet."
"…, No, it's fine."
I'd checked her body myself, so I knew. I remembered how she'd hesitate, trying to hide.
"I'll look for new methods. Suppressing gray emotions has been my ongoing focus anyway."
"…."
I couldn't just let those words pouring into my ears slide past.
"Don't keep hurting yourself. It might work now, but later, it'll be unmanageable."
"…."
"If you don't want the same end as other grays, keep wrestling with it. Keep moving forward."
I pondered. I advanced.
Nothing in this world was set in stone.
Not even the novel's tragic tale.
A few letters I'd already twisted had invaded the story. What started as a tiny stream had swelled into a wave, smearing the ink across the page.
So.
I prepared to dive back into the now-calm sea.
That childish splash, once dismissed, would now become a new surge to tear the paper apart.