Episode 4-b. Gloomy and Damp, Yet Pure and Innocent (3)

I'd lost track of how much time had passed. At first, I could still gauge it—maybe a day, two days at most. But now, with bloodshot eyes from not sleeping a wink, all I could do was stare back and forth between the endless forest path and the device marking Ain's position.

I glared at the device that had devoured the lock of Ain's hair and nail clippings I'd cherished so carefully, only to spit out that paltry information.

It could have given me something more detailed than that.

No matter how much I stared, those brief, floating words refused to change.

"Heehee…."

Even as frustration boiled inside me, all that escaped my lips was a bizarre cackle. For days on end, I'd been letting out these creepy laughs nonstop, barely managing to snap the reins.

And so I thought to myself: Why am I like this?

"Heh, ngh…."

No. Why am I this beastly thing, worse than an animal?

If I couldn't be a normal person, shouldn't I at least be a normal beast? I knew it was grotesque even to my own mind, so why couldn't I control my instincts any better than a wild animal?

My heart pounded madly, refusing to calm. My trembling hands could scarcely hold the reins anymore. I'd held out for days, but now controlling the swirling ash dust was growing impossibly hard.

The eerie laughter spilling from my mouth showed no sign of stopping, and I had to pull my robe low over my face to hide the corners of my mouth, which had twisted up too far.

"Heh, hngh…."

I'd tried so hard to become human, yet my body thrashed to revert to something even baser than a beast. I'd thought I'd been doing well all this time. But just the thought of seeing Ain soon had reduced me to this.

At least…

"Lady Asha, there's a carriage coming the other way—duck your head for a sec and send the ash dust into the forest."

"Heeheh…, ngh."

I still had enough presence of mind to heed the whisper right beside me. At her words, I directed the swirling ash into the woods.

The trees along our path withered as we passed. Grass touched by the ash rotted bit by bit, trees shriveled as if drained of life.

And right beside me sat Eileen, her wounds multiplying from the ash just like them.

"There, good job…! The carriage is gone now, so… ngh, it's fine."

How long had she been there? I had no idea. I no longer had the leisure to wonder.

All I knew was that at some point, when I glanced aside, Eileen was sitting next to me. She'd moved to the driver's seat and was now hugging me tightly.

It was comforting, in a way, but her worsening condition worried me more.

Even now, ash kept billowing out uncontrollably. Each speck etched new wounds into her body where she clung to me.

Her pretty outfit was in disarray, pierced wounds oozing blood droplets. My healing magic restored them, only for the cycle to repeat—fresh gashes beading with crimson.

"Sorry…, ngh, hng…."

"I'm fine…! No problem at all!"

I'd told her over and over to stay away, but she just grinned and held on tighter. She really was a stubborn, troublesome kid who never listened.

So with my quivering eyes, I gave her a brief glance before whipping the reins again.

"Heehee, faster…. Heh, we'll go faster."

What she was doing was reckless and stupid—something only a child would try.

But thanks to her, I could keep my mind from unraveling, pushing forward somehow.

Slowly, gradually. Little by little, her blood soaked into my robe. The black fabric darkened to a muddy red over time.

And so, as time flowed on, the clear sky gradually shifted. Past violet hues, it grew dim and overcast.

From the jolting carriage, I stared blankly.

I gazed intently at it.

Once more.

I wanted to see him so badly, to hold him tight. To tell him I missed him, maybe even whisper that I loved him if I found the courage. There were so many tangled stories I wanted to share.

And so, even as I drove the carriage, I kept glancing at the device.

Maybe because of that—my state—Eileen's voice came faintly.

"Yaaawn… We've come pretty far…. Lady Asha, just as much farther and we'll reach the ruins. Roughly…, mmmnya…. Definitely within three days…."

Having ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠stayed up with me night after night driving the carriage, she was dozing off in fits.

Even so, she'd jolt awake now and then, clutching my waist tight.

Her half-dazed eyes were as bloodshot as mine. Drunk on sleep, she'd scratch at ash-torn wounds until they hurt, grimacing. Then she'd slyly open her eyes, look at me, and beam.

"…, heh."

"Hwaaam…, ow. Should I laugh along? Heehee! Hehhehe…!"

She'd occasionally spout something weirdly Eileen-like.

"Heheh…, shut up and sleep. Not… funny…, heehee."

"Yesss. Then…, ngh. I'll nap a bit…."

That was part of what made her Eileen—and what I liked about her.

Infuriating as it was sometimes, there was nothing for it now.

Soon, the only sounds were the carriage's jolts and my cackling laughter.

"…."

I gazed at the now-sleeping her and thought.

Truth be told, no matter how much I pondered it, one thing still baffled me.

Even Eileen right beside me. Old man Rendo at the grocery. Rain and Zuben. Idrin and shopkeeper Yansen, gym master Rini.

And you, Ain—the one I love.

I was always so grateful, harbored such deep thanks. But I truly couldn't understand why they helped me this much.

"Heeheh, hee…."

It couldn't just be because I'd tried to seem normal. That didn't explain their care, their affection.

I was gray, after all. Even setting aside how the whole world despised and shunned gray.

Even ignoring centuries of bad blood.

My ridiculous state right now proved it. I couldn't even control my bursting emotions.

So…

"…."

Why did they worry for me, cherish me?

Why did they stay by my side?

How could they say it was okay, seeing me like this?

How could they smile at me like this?

I'd always wondered, wondered endlessly.

But now… I didn't care anymore.

"Ah…, Ain?"

The text on the device began to change. Once those two words seared into my brain, no room remained for complicated thoughts.

My heart thundered, burning hot like mad.

My head cooled to ice in contrast.

This wasn't the time to be swept by emotions.

No time to grit my teeth and suppress them.

Danger.

"Eileen."

Danger.

"Hmnya…, nghh. Why call me so sudden…, eh, Lady Asha?"

Danger.

"I'm going ahead."

Danger.

"Yes…, what does that meaaan—?!"

Danger.

My mind filled with those two words, I leaped straight from the carriage.

Ash dust whipped wildly. Dull mana flooded everything around me.

Ash dust be damned. Let them discover my gray nature.

"Ain."

Ain.

Ain was in danger. Ain couldn't be in danger.

So I had to get to Ain. Now.

Nothing mattered more. Nothing.