Dude, Why Are You a Girl?
Tap. Tap-tap. Click-click...
The only sounds that reached me were the hammering of keyboards and the click of mice. Beyond that, at most, the voices of people talking over their games.
Conversation with Jojeong was practically nonexistent. Unless you counted the occasional callout while we ran the dungeon.
And the reason was simple. It had been ages since I'd met anyone in person, and of all people, the one who showed up was the exact opposite of who I'd pictured.
On top of that, she was stupidly pretty. You know that feeling—when you spot someone at school who's just unfairly good-looking, and suddenly talking to them feels impossible? That was this. Opening my mouth at all had turned weirdly delicate.
And the real problem, the biggest one, was the awkwardness.
...This is awkward.
We'd known each other for four years. What was there to be awkward about? Anyone would say that. But those four years had only ever existed inside a game. Meeting in real life was a first.
Even the way we'd been talking like normal people until a moment ago was just forced energy dragged up by sheer panic. It was a long way from how I usually was. So I couldn't bring myself to talk. I only cracked my mouth open to pick at callouts and briefings, and anything like an easy, back-and-forth conversation was completely out of reach.
How long we went on like that, I couldn't say. We were down to a single boss in the dungeon, stuck on retry after retry, when she spoke.
"Let's take a short break."
Jojeong said it out of nowhere, parked her character, and leaned back in the chair. Both arms went up overhead in one long, satisfying stretch.
"Nnngh... haah. This is hard."
"It's a boss with a ton of mechanics. High difficulty."
"So that's why."
"And we're a two-person party. Of course it's harder."
Mid-stretch, Jojeong dropped her arms and turned her gaze toward me. I slid my eyes off the screen and stole a glance at her. Those faintly hazy, sky-blue eyes were staring straight at me.
Then, carefully, she spoke.
"Hey. Are you always like this?"
"Huh? Out of nowhere?"
"It's nothing big. You're just so quiet. In chat you used to say every ridiculous thing under the sun. Is this... actually how you are outside?"
The words that came out in that tone were exactly what I'd been turning over myself. Not that I could just come out and say it straight. I could, sure—but no one in the world would confess a thing like that outright. If I explained the reason, it would sound like I was uncomfortable around her.
I was still trying to figure out how to answer when Jojeong opened her mouth.
"Or... is it awkward? I mean, we've known each other a long time, but this is our first time. Meeting."
Right on the mark. Caught, I couldn't even scrape together an excuse—I just coughed into the silence. At that, Jojeong let out a drawn-out hmm and turned her head away.
"Guess I was right."
"...Mm."
"It's fine. The person you thought was a guy for four years turned out to be a girl. And you don't exactly look like you've had much experience with women. So I get it. I do."
"Koff—koff."
"That last part was a joke. ...Though, judging by your reaction, it might actually be true."
Pleased with herself for getting a rise out of me, Jojeong let out a small heh and lifted the corner of her mouth.
I wasn't great at lying, but this was ridiculous. Maybe it was the awkwardness—whatever I was thinking kept leaking out no matter how I tried to hold it in. Was it just because I hadn't been meeting people lately?
Whether she knew I was stewing over it or not, Jojeong only kept looking at me with that ambiguous face: blank, except for the slight curl at the corner of her mouth.
How long we sat like that, I don't know. Jojeong let out a small breath, smoothed her expression, blinked a few times, and spoke.
"Actually, I was awkward too."
What followed was pretty shocking. Sure, I'd been talking nonsense, but she'd jabbed me in the side the second we met, and needled me as smoothly as if we'd always been like this. She was even carrying the conversation this easily now. I couldn't see a single trace of someone who was supposed to be awkward.
Did it show on my face?
"I felt the exact same thing you did."
Jojeong said it looking right at me.
"No matter how much we'd talked in-game, I was meeting him. A guy whose face I didn't know, whose age I didn't know—whose anything I basically didn't know. So it would've been weird if I wasn't scared."
"Ah, yeah. That makes sense."
"But you treated me like we were already close, so the fear went away fast. And once the fear was gone... it got kind of awkward instead. I couldn't even start a conversation. Meeting in real life really does feel different. It hits you."
"...Yeah?"
"Yeah. It did. So I just kept briefing, thinking I was the only one who felt that way, and I kept watching your face."
She met my eyes straight on.
"You seemed the same. And once I realized that, the awkwardness just... started to fade. I thought, oh. This really is the person I know."
"Um..."
"So what I'm trying to say is, we don't have to be awkward. Not you, and not me."
After that, a faint relief surfaced on Jojeong's expressionless face, like someone who had finally said everything she'd been holding in. At the sight of her, a laugh slipped out of me before I could stop it—because for a second I saw the familiar friend I'd always known inside the game.
"Kh—hah. You're right, though. We've known each other four years. I don't even know what I was being so awkward about."
"Right. So relax. Like we always did in-game."
"Got it. I'll loosen up, then. Thanks for saying it, Jojeong."
"I just said what I wanted to say. That's all. ...And I always tell you this. Don't call me Jojeong."
"Other people hate being called by their nicknames. They dance around it. You know my real name—why do you always do this?"
She said it and shot me a sharp look. I brushed it off lightly.
"This is easier. And it sounds good."
"It's embarrassing. For me."
"Then who told you to set your nickname like that?"
"...Ugh."
At the jab, Jojeong's face pinched, and she let out a small grumble. Complaining about me using a name she'd chosen herself must have stung. Maybe from the shame—a faint red lingered across her cheeks.
I teased her a few more times—Jojeong, Jojeong—and she shot up from her seat like she'd had enough, a little sulky.
Uh-oh. Had I taken it too far? Treating her the way I always did, I think I'd accidentally short-circuited. I was about to apologize when Jojeong spoke first.
"...I'll be right back."
She turned slightly away from me. I hurried to speak.
"All of a sudden? Where?"
At the question she paused and tapped her pocket with a finger. Something bulged there, just a little, and every tap made the sound of a paper carton—or something like one.
Wait. Papery, and she carried it around in her pocket... Oh. No way.
Right as the thought landed, Jojeong spoke.
"I'm going out for a smoke. A cigarette."
"You're a smoker?"
"...You didn't know?"
Her face said it plainly: why don't you know this?
You'd have to tell me for me to know. So that was why she always vanished in the middle of things. All this time I'd assumed she was quietly stepping out to the bathroom. The puzzle finally clicked into place. Every sudden break had been about cigarettes.
While I was quietly reeling at the revelation that Jojeong smoked, she studied my face, then let out a small ah. She dug through her pocket, pulled out the pack, and pushed up from the bottom with her finger. One cigarette slid smoothly into view.
Apparently, the look of me processing this new information read, to her, like I wanted to smoke together. I wasn't a smoker, so I shook my head hard from side to side.
"Nope. I don't smoke. Non-smoker. I have a fit if I even get near one."
"...Then how have you survived. Next to me."
"I was fine because I didn't know. Should we find new seats while we're at it? Separate ones. Our own spots."
"Save the jokes. I'll go smoke and come back."
Hmm. About half of that wasn't a joke.
Whether she knew or not, she wrote it off as one, let out a small scoff of a laugh, and walked off toward the smoking booth.
How many minutes had it been? I'd waited at least fifteen, and Jojeong still wasn't back.
Wait—had asking to sit separately actually hurt her feelings? No. Probably not. The person I knew wouldn't dwell on something like that. She'd written it off as a joke in the first place.
Then what on earth was she doing? Smoking for all fifteen minutes? If one cigarette took about three...
"...Your lungs aren't rotting, are they?"
"They're not."
"Gah—!"
I'd been muttering to myself, trying to figure out why she wasn't back, when she was suddenly there, dropping into the seat beside me as she answered. I jolted so hard I nearly tipped backward. Luckily I didn't go over—I barely caught myself.
"Y-you scared me. When did you get here?"
"Just now."
"...What took you so long? Don't tell me you smoked the whole fifteen minutes. For real?"
"As if. Idiot."
As if to say are you insane, Jojeong's face creased just a little. Then she turned to the monitor and clicked the mouse a few times.
"I went to air the smell out. Ten minutes probably isn't enough to kill it, but it's better than not trying."
Now that she mentioned it, it wasn't that there was no cigarette smell. It was just hard to notice. Bearable enough to let slide, maybe.
"Ah. So that's why it took so long."
"Yeah. What, are you grateful?"
Watching me react like I'd just figured it out, she asked. Beneath those slightly raised eyes, the corner of her mouth had lifted, faint.
Grateful? If she was asking, then honestly, I was. She hadn't said anything before she left—probably because if she had, she would've heard it's fine, just smoke. Even if it didn't show much, she was quietly considerate.
But.
"Grateful or not, if you actually wanted to be considerate, the move was to just not smoke..."
The best consideration, really, was not smoking at all. At least not while I was sitting next to her. She seemed to realize it only after hearing me, because in an instant her earlobes went red.
"...That's not happening. I'm a serious chain-smoker. If I don't smoke, I'll die."
"Smoking is what kills you fast. Not smoking doesn't. Jojeong."
"...I said what I said. Anyway. Focus."
With that she forced the subject elsewhere and started concentrating on the game whether she liked it or not. Part of me wanted to tease her a little more, but she'd gone to the trouble of airing out the smell. I'd let it go.