Chapter 69: The Pincushion
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 69: The Pincushion
He bound her with a kiss, as if determined to steal her very last breath. Blair tried to push him away, suffocating, but he didn't budge. Instead, he gripped the back of her neck and pursued her relentlessly.
It was a kiss driven by pure desire, devoid of consent or consideration.
Blair was finally able to gasp for air only when her mind began to grow hazy. Herdin’s lips slid from hers down to her neck, sucking roughly at her skin.
Regaining her senses a moment too late, Blair squirmed to escape his embrace. "Let me wash up first," she pleaded. "I want to wash up."
She had just returned from the forest and felt sticky and uncomfortable.
But Herdin ignored her, pulling down the front of her dress. The look in his eyes as he stared down at her was chilling.
"Did you go to meet him?"
The question was a cold whisper against her skin. His touch was incredibly rough.
Blair frowned and grabbed his arm. "Herdin, wait—"
But he was determined not to give her an inch. He cupped her cheeks, forcing her to look at him.
"Answer me."
As his fingers tightened, Blair swallowed a groan. "I know what you're worried about, but right now, there's no other way. I'll be careful. What you're afraid of won't happen, so—"
Before she could finish, Herdin’s hand tore at her dress. Blair gasped, her words dying in her throat.
He searched her body for any trace of Mikhail, but the only thing he found was the faint scent of men's cologne that had lingered in her hair. Now, even that was gone.
Relief washed over him, followed immediately by self-mockery. He found his own behavior absurd, infuriating.
But what angered him even more was that after confirming his suspicions were baseless, nothing changed. The relief was fleeting.
This woman was still thinking of nothing but running away from him. The only difference was that her refuge wasn't that bastard. That was all.
He directed all that anger at the woman in his arms—at her, who only ever thought of escaping him.
"Before any of that, shouldn't we uncover the truth of the incident first?"
"..."
"Nothing has been resolved here, so why is your first thought always to run away?"
"I have no intention of doing that. I promised to uphold the contract..."
"..."
"You… you know better than anyone that I practice every night to overcome my phobia."
Herdin looked into Blair's eyes, which were crumpled as if she were about to cry, and his gaze turned icy.
Yes, I know.
I know all too well.
That it’s all just preparation to leave my side.
I had temporarily forgotten that.
Bewitched by this innocent face.
"Who knows," he sneered. "Maybe you got scared, thinking the Imperial Concubine might have actually abandoned you, and now you suddenly want to run away."
Both Herdin and Blair had tacitly suspected that Katrina might have gone so far as to use her own daughter's life. It was a possibility they had never dared to voice.
The moment it materialized, spilling from his lips, his ice-cold words became a dagger that tore through Blair's heart. It was deeply connected to the self-loathing that had tormented her for so long.
Blair's usually calm eyes began to shake violently.
Seeing this, Herdin twisted his lips into a smirk. He didn't stop. "Because you think it's better not to know than to be abandoned."
"..."
"Isn't that what you're best at?"
I wish that were the truth.
I wish you would be utterly abandoned by that woman, get hurt, and lose all desire to run away.
"The divorce you want so badly—I won't grant it until that incident is resolved."
Herdin raised a damp finger and caressed her cheek. The suggestive gesture, for that very reason, felt all the more crushing.
"So until then, stop dreaming and do as I say."
Tears welled in Blair's eyes as she stared at him. His cold muttering made his figure overlap with the man he used to be.
In the end, you haven't changed at all.
And neither have I, for falling in love with you all over again.
It was ridiculous, miserable, to let myself be hurt by you again. It felt as though a wound I had temporarily forgotten was being torn open by sharp thorns.
The tears silently overflowed. Seeing them, Herdin felt a thrill of pleasure he couldn't comprehend. It sounded insane, but for a moment, he felt a strange elation, as if he had finally become someone significant to her.
Because your tears, and your pain, belonged entirely to me.
But at the same time, the faint anxiety he always felt when he looked at her washed over him again—the fear that the woman in his arms might vanish.
That was what drove him mad.
Herdin leaned down and kissed her. Blair turned her head to avoid him, but his hand clamped onto her face, stopping her. He pressed his lips to hers as he lifted her, pressing his body against her.
"Ah..."
Blair didn't resist, but when her lips were free, she kept them turned away.
Even now, the fact that her body burned for him, that her heart still beat for him, made her feel unbearably miserable.
Soon, as her body began to tremble violently, Blair could no longer hold out and finally wrapped her arms around him.
It was like hugging a pincushion. Sharp needles that could never be pulled out dug painfully into her heart.
* * *
The flickering flame of the lighter lingered on the candle's wick. Once the candle caught, the lighter's flame went out.
Lina, watching Blair light it, gasped in admiration.
"Oh my goodness! Are you all right, Madam?"
"Yes, I'm fine."
Beads of sweat clung to Blair's forehead as if she had just finished a strenuous workout. Her breathing was rough, and her hands were trembling. Still, compared to before, when she would panic at the mere sight of fire, it was a massive improvement.
Lina, who had been by Blair's side longer than anyone, felt incredibly proud.
"Wow, that's truly amazing. To be honest, I don't know what it's like to have a phobia, but this must be incredibly hard. You could probably live on your own now."
Blair flinched at the casual remark. There was no way the maid could have known about her contract marriage.
Lina quickly blew out the candle for Blair, who was still staring at the flame. "Ah, of course, you know I'm just talking, right? You can't think of going anywhere without me."
"Right..."
"Not that the Duchess would ever go anywhere alone, anyway."
Looking at Lina's proud smile, Blair responded with a smile of her own instead of a clumsy lie.
Since her argument with Herdin a week ago, she no longer practiced overcoming her pyrophobia with him. The practice was now solely her responsibility.
That didn't mean he stopped visiting her bedroom, however.
When night fell, he would seek her out and share her bed as usual, but that was all. Not a single word passed between them. Blair kept her mouth shut because she didn't want to talk to him, and Herdin acted as if he had no interest in her beyond her body. At times, his persistence was so intense it felt almost animalistic.
For several days, the nights were filled with nothing but ragged breathing and groans.
Eventually, as if giving up on the unresponsive Blair, Herdin stopped coming to her room altogether. One might have expected him to pressure her into recovering her memories, but there was no sign of that, either.
His behavior, the entire sequence of events, was terrifyingly similar to her past life.
But one thing had changed: Blair had no intention of repeating the passivity of her past life.
What Herdin wants is the truth behind the Empress's Palace Incident.
So, she planned to give him what he wanted. Then she would leave.
This wasn't for his sake. It was because she refused to break the promise she had made to herself: that no matter what, she would not run away from the truth.
And it was for Esmeralda.
"Madam, Lady Lorellain has arrived."
Just as Blair was lost in thought, mindlessly flicking the lighter's lid open and shut, Meli's voice came through the door with a knock.
"Tell her to come in."
Once permission was granted, Lina left, and Agnes entered.
"Welcome, Agnes. It rained heavily last night; I hope the road here wasn't too rough."
"Fortunately, I traveled only on well-maintained roads, so it was a comfortable journey. Thank you for your concern."
Agnes greeted Blair with her usual gentle smile. Then, her eyes widened as she spotted the lighter in Blair's hand.
"Is that a lighter?"
"Yes. I was practicing lighting candles."
"It seems your practice with His Grace is paying off. I didn't expect you to adapt so quickly. As they say, a husband is far more reliable than a stranger, isn't he?"
Blair smiled instead of answering. It was an ambiguous response, but Agnes didn't seem to notice.
"By the way, why did you call me to your bedroom today instead of the greenhouse? Are you perhaps feeling unwell?"
"No, it's nothing like that."
Blair hesitated for a moment before getting to the point. Finally, as if she had made up her mind, she spoke.
"I want to try hypnosis."
As expected, Agnes looked reluctant. "Has His Grace agreed to this?"
"No, but… I don't think I can afford to wait any longer."
"What do you mean, you can't afford to wait?"
"If my mother was really involved in that incident, she won't just sit idly by. If we wait, the truth might end up buried forever."
Instead of lying, Blair decided to appeal to Agnes's loyalty. She hid her true motivations, revealing just enough to target Agnes's duty to Delmark and her position as Herdin's subordinate.