Sailor Fuku (3)
Shortly after, an old American man hopped off his bike. He caught a small lizard, then crunch—he ripped off its wriggling head and chowed down right there. The old guy's a bit wild.
'Kinda survivalist vibe, huh?' Nature boy style? Tough break for the lizard, but country life is humans vs. nature. I'm planning to camp in the woods anyway, so picking up some survival tips from the old man sounds good.
"Grandpa! Hi! I'm Natsunashi Yuuki."
Didn't wanna interrupt his meal—that's just rude. So I waited till he scarfed down the whole lizard before greeting him.
"HEY. BOY♂ You called ME GRANDPA YA?"
⊙.⊙
My eyes nearly bugged out of my head. Whaaat~? Non-stop surprises here. That clumsy mix of Japanese and English! Especially ending sentences in English—that's the key DA. That's straight-up...!!!
'Wapanese!!!'
A foreigner so obsessed with Japanese culture they ape us locals. Never thought I'd meet a real-life Wapanese.
[Sas] Impressive.
"So, what should I call you then?"
"ME is THE KING who rules the VOID, Noden III. Call ME Your Majesty YO."
The guy calls himself Noden III. Not I or even II—straight to III! As the saying goes, third-gen thieves, fishermen, and weirdos are the strongest. True to Wapanese form, the old man knows his stuff.
"Got it, Your Majesty. I'll serve you faithfully."
I decided to play along with Noden III's concept.
"YOU're a good JAP even though you're still alive DA."
A satisfied smile peeked through his bushy beard that covered half his face.
"So why'd BOY♂ talk to ME KANA?"
Noden III spat out what looked like lizard guts as he spoke.
"Your Majesty, I wanna get friendly with everyone in Utsuromura."
"Wanna be FRIENDLY with ME DA? But YOU're from the VOID DO?"
The old man's blue eyes flickered. Then he shrugged off his black leather jacket. Nothing underneath—bare skin flopped out.
Fine for a bikini babe's jacket slip, but for a geezer Yankee? Hard pass.
'Damn! Not Wapanese—a flasher grandpa luring me in!!!'
OH-NO-! Aaah! My purity's under threat not just from neighbor auntie Guki!
I backed away from Noden III, who seemed about to drop some knowledge.
"N-no, Your Majesty, I didn't mean that kind of friendly...!?"
I froze mid-sentence. There was a tattoo on his chest.
A crooked, self-inked tattoo. One-eyed starfish? Kinda cute.
As I hesitated, Noden III muttered low.
"—Remember."
His crazy tone normalized. Shing. Then—a katana at his shoulder.
"Get lost now. Or I'll slice you?"
It was Tsurugi.
The old man silently threw on his ragged jacket.
"The KING of the VOID... is ME DA!!!"
WAHAHAHAHAHA—!
Back in full Wapanese mode, Noden III revved off on his bike with a majestic laugh.
"Natsunashi Yuuki! What the hell, your legs that fast? Hey, I'm the night watchman—how'd I lag so far behind?!"
Tsurugi looked beat. Can't blame her—I am pretty quick. Yuuki's fresh young body plus elementary school Velcro sneaker training synergy.
"Mitsurugi-san, come on—even so, you can't threaten an elder with a sword."
I scolded her firmly. Sailor fuku beauty or not, that's crossing the line. Do Japanese not respect their elders like in the land of propriety?
"What're you on about? I chased off that colonel for you. He didn't say anything weird, did he?"
(ʘ言ʘ╬)
Tsurugi fumed.
Noden III—ex-colonel, huh? Retired U.S. military living his second life.
"Quirky speech, but he seemed fun."
"You... even if you're clueless about Utsuromura, you can at least read the room...?"
Grrrowl.
Mitsurugi-san's tummy clock went off. Her exposed navel made it echo louder.
⁄(⁄ ⁄°⁄–⁄°⁄ ⁄)⁄
The sailor fuku girl's face turned beet red.
"Mitsurugi-san, you're hungry, huh."
I flashed a smile. Yeah, swordplay and sprinting since breakfast would do that.
"Don't laugh! As an elite night watchwoman, this is just an unintentional slip-up...!"
"Here, eat this."
I handed over the melon bread bag. Classic Japanese staple, right?
Was gonna eat it myself, originally.
"M-melon bread!? Natsunashi Yuuki, this for me?"
Her eyes sparkled at the melon bread. Ahh~ Dating sim favorability event "give favorite food" triggered.
"Just sharing with a hungry friend—totally normal."
"Not friends, but... n-not bad. Thanks."
Tsurugi thanked me honestly. Gal gamer beauty really loves melon bread, huh.
She tore open the bag and chomp—
"Wh-what's this taste? Fishy!!"
Her face soured; she spat it out.
Oh yeah—the bag said Meropan, not Melonpan. Meropan... that grilled fish from restaurants?
"Natsunashi Yuuki! Where'd you get this? Not from outside, right?!"
Tsurugi wiped her mouth, pissed, demanding the source.
"Picked it up off the road while chasing Noden III earlier?"
Jackpot, I thought—grabbed it.
"Th-that's a lost item! You know that?!"
"Lost item? Rings a bell."
Reika mentioned it at the village tunnel.
"Stuff someone dropped. Owners pick it up themselves, so ignore weird finds or report to the village office."
That plastic sword Akame from the pond house—lost item too? Sketchy.
"Na~tsunashi Yuuki! What if I'd died?!"
"From bread? Pfft."
I tried the half-eaten meropan. Fishy for sure.
"Bet it'd taste good grilled."
"Ugh, seriously—why eat it?! You'll get cursed! Give it to Suzuki."
(ᗒᗣᗕ)՞
The sailor fuku girl squeezed her eyes shut.
Suzuki?
Dr. Toshiyaki (pseudonym)'s Experiment Log
Date: 20■■, ■ Month, ■ Day
Subject: Pang Uncle's Fun Bakery Hazardous Objects
Grades: Gap (甲) ~ Jeong (丁)
[Experiment Purpose]
Observe effects on a subject who ingested a sub-classification hazardous object from Hazardous Object No. 888, Pang Uncle's Fun Bakery.
[Overview]
• Breads from the bakery "Pang Uncle's Fun Bakery" found at retailers nationwide. The company does not exist.
• Over 30 products, ranging from harmless to extremely dangerous.
• No. 888 hazardous objects are recovered on discovery, but new variants keep appearing widely.
[Experiment Results]
Fed sub-class hazardous objects from Pang Uncle's Fun Bakery to the subject.
① Pang Uncle's Fun Bakery No. ⑤ - Curry Flavor Bread
• Curry-flavored curry bread.
• Subject A (23/M) rated it "pretty good." Analysis revealed the filling was human ■, not curry. Upon informing, Subject A vomited violently, trying to expel it.
② Pang Uncle's Fun Bakery No. ⑨ - Hou-soporo Bread
• Soboro bread with severe pockmark scars on surface.
• Subject C (34/F, 12-year sentence for child abuse manslaughter) rated taste similar to normal soboro. 6 hours later: high fever, rash, vision loss, diagnosed hemorrhagic smallpox and disposed. Smallpox eradicated globally; bread likely cause.
③ Pang Uncle's Fun Bakery No. ㉘ - Choku-neku-ne
• Severely twisted choco korone (shell bread).
• Subject D (57/M, 15-year sentence for manslaughter) ate it and unnaturally twisted all joints, wriggling ku-ne-ku-ne to death. Matches symptoms of Hazardous Object No. 21 - Ku-ne-ku-ne madness from sightings.
Utsuromura Village Office. Like a Korean dong office, but more analog.
"Safely recovered. Jeong-grade—lucky. Mitsurugi-san."
"Don't worry about me, outsider."
"Yeah, well. I don't worry about village folk anyway."
The man boxing the meropan. Late 30s? Black suit, glasses—exhausted. Suzuki-san.
'This guy's the real rural power player—the civil servant!'
Heard befriending bureaucrats smooths country life. Time to buddy up with Suzuki-san. You got it.
"And you? New face. Not a local or convalescent donor."
"I'm Natsunashi Yuuki. Arrived in Utsuromura three days ago."
"Natsunashi Yuuki? Wait..."
⎚-⎚
Buffering... then he shot up.
"Natsunashi Yuuki!!!! Yume's son?!"
⚞⎚-⎚⚟
Crack! Suzuki-san's glasses lens shattered.
Ooh, real-life dramatic effect! More fun than his stiff look suggests.
"Yeah. You knew my mom? Her name was Yume." Suzuki-san hyped up, blurting it out.
"How could I not! 17 years ago, Tsukikumu Yume and Mikanangi Koyomi sparked the Yume Kakushi Incident—that's why I'm stuck suffering like this."