Eighteen, Spring Again (3)
As the three of them walked away, I bolted out like I was under a spell. The cold March wind whipped across my body, but I barely felt it. Why was Mom sitting in a wheelchair? Why did my brother and sister look so grim? Questions piled up like mountains. But the moment I stepped out of the entrance hall, the outside noise crashed over me all at once.
From afar, I could see Mom's lips moving as she said something to my brother and sister. The surrounding clamor drowned most of it out, but a few faint words reached my ears.
"...over there... didn't come..."
Mom's weak voice trailed off, then my sister's sharp tone cut in.
"Mom, how many times do I have to tell you..."
But after that, the sound of passing cars swallowed everything else. I couldn't bring myself to get any closer and hid behind a flower bed instead. My toes edged forward several times, then stopped. It seemed like all I had to do was call out, but my throat tightened strangely, and no sound came.
The three of them soon stopped in front of my brother's parked car. He opened the back door, and my sister carefully supported Mom's arm. Mom rose from the wheelchair, leaning on her for help as she slowly climbed in. Of course, she had my sister's assistance, but Mom was clearly moving under her own power.
Once Mom was settled, my brother started folding the empty wheelchair. The metal frame clicked softly as it collapsed, and he lifted it carefully into the trunk. The motion looked so practiced that my heart sank.
Only then did one thing become clear. At least, she wasn't completely unable to use her legs. So why was she in the wheelchair? Was her stamina so depleted she couldn't walk properly? Or was there some other reason I didn't know?
"...Mom."
The call I couldn't voice burned hot in my throat. I stood there dazed, watching their car pull out of the complex until it was gone.
Standing there doing nothing, I felt it bone-deep: I no longer had the right to insert myself into their lives. No, maybe I was less than a stranger.
I don't even remember how I got home. My mind kept replaying Mom's gaunt face. My steps were heavy, my body sinking into the earth.
Just as I reached the entrance, I suddenly recalled what my sister had said before we left.
"Right... Melona."
I gave a bitter smile and grabbed a few ice creams from the nearby convenience store. The cold clink of them bumping in the plastic bag chilled my fingertips, but it did nothing for the emptiness in my chest.
Opening the front door, I heard my sister's voice on the phone from the living room couch. Some light TV ad jingle played casually, as if nothing had happened.
"Hahaha! No way, they just left it like that? I was wondering why."
She looked as bright as ever. Noticing me, she turned, and our eyes met. I silently held up the bag of ice cream. Her eyes narrowed in a smile, and she gave me a thumbs-up.
But the expression didn't last. As she studied my face, her features slowly hardened. Normally, she'd tease me, but not this time.
What's with her?
"Ah... hold on. Just a sec."
She pulled the phone from her ear and looked at me.
"Seojin, what happened? Your face looks awful."
It was rare for her to show concern so openly. The smile vanished from her face as she scanned me, phone still in hand. She must've seen how bad I looked. I couldn't even imagine my own state.
Meeting her gaze, the emotions I'd been holding back surged to my throat. But I didn't know how to let them out. No, I shouldn't.
It took me a while to finally speak.
"...Sorry, sis. I just want to be alone right now."
She fell silent at my subdued voice, just watching me before nodding faintly.
"Okay, go rest. I'll put the ice cream away."
Hearing her resume the call behind me, I set the bag on the table and headed straight to my room. The moment I shut the door, the living room noise faded, leaving the room's silence oppressively loud.
The fragile dam in my heart finally broke. Without even changing, I collapsed onto the bed. The mattress dipped, and I buried my face in the pillow. Mom's face flashed vividly again.
...Why was she in the wheelchair?
She clearly wasn't unable to walk at all. That made it hurt more. Was it just to get by for a bit? Or some other reason I didn't know? I'd always wondered. How had time passed in our house after I left? When did Mom get so thin? What had my brother and sister gone through? And Dad... what happened to him?
The thoughts crushed my chest with guilt. Was it because of me? But there was no way to know.
I wasn't their youngest son or little brother anymore. The truth stung bitterly.
I'm just a dead person to them now.
Helplessness seeped into every part of me, slow but relentless. I let out a low breath. I shouldn't close my eyes, but my lids grew heavy. I wished my mind would go blank. I just wanted to sleep and escape this suffocating feeling, even briefly.
My drained body sank like into quicksand. Clutching those turbulent thoughts, I fell into deep sleep.
*
Lifting my head, I saw the shadows stretching long beyond the window. Dim orange sunset slanted in, casting elongated shadows over the furniture. The sky was a strange mix of blue and orange, evening just beginning. Outside was far from midday brightness.
I'd slept much longer than I thought.
"Mm..."
As I tried to sit up, my cheek felt cold and damp. The pillow was soaked where I'd buried my face. I'd been crying in my sleep. The image of those three must've haunted my dreams.
My neck and shoulders ached from lying face-down so long. Rubbing my eyes with the back of my hand didn't help the gritty sting or throbbing head.
Forcing myself up, I sat staring blankly at the wall. The weight of helplessness pressed down again.
Then—
"Seojin, Yoon Seojin. Time to get up."
My sister's voice from beyond the door snapped me alert. Clearing my throat, I replied.
"...Yeah, I'm up."
Stepping into the living room, my casually dressed sister was gone, replaced by someone primped and proper. An ivory cardigan over a sleek dark knit, cinched with a subtle checkered skirt for a calm vibe. Her long straight hair neatly combed, a small shoulder bag slung over one side. No one would mistake this for casual errands.
She scanned my eyes and face, then asked quietly.
"Mm... you must've been exhausted. You slept forever."
"Yeah... I guess I passed out without realizing. Where are you headed, sis?"
I tried to sound nonchalant. She adjusted her bag strap casually.
"Yeah. Meeting Han Yeonho. We talked earlier."
His name made my chest stir oddly. Seeing ajusshi might ease this stuffy chill. But not like this—I looked a mess. I didn't want him seeing me this way. Forcing a smile,
"Okay, have fun."
Assuming she'd go alone, I turned for the bathroom, but she spoke like it was ridiculous.
"What are you talking about? You're coming too. Hurry and get ready."
I thought I'd misheard. No reason came to mind for me to tag along.
I froze, staring at her.
"Why me too?"
My baffled look made her raise an eyebrow incredulously.
"You think I'd leave you home alone?"
"...?"
Normally she'd shrug it off or snark once and leave, but today she was unusually firm.
"No long talk. Get ready quick. We'll go out, get some air, eat, and come back."