Are Body and Mind One?
"The first time I... met Youngmi."
Hyung flicked a finger against the rim of his glass. The liquor rippled, dipping in the center before the surface settled smooth again.
That single sentence broke a silence that had stretched on and on. He had tried to drown the memories in drink, but now he raked a hand through his unkempt hair as if trying to haul them back up. A brief stillness followed.
"That was... pretty stupid, honestly. I was such an idiot. Back then I was just being rebellious and twisted—trying to enjoy being young for even a moment, just to spite someone."
I looked at him through a swimming haze. Hyung was angry at the man he used to be. A single fleeting mistake had carved away at his entire life.
"The place I met Youngmi wasn't anything special. I was just wandering, and before I knew it she'd latched onto me. Plenty of women had come onto me before her, and I turned them all down. There was no explanation except that they'd seen my face and decided that was enough. Youngmi was probably the same—but I accepted her. She looked like she was at rock bottom, more than anyone else I'd ever met. I can't really understand what I was thinking back then, but I think I wanted to try and change her."
He dragged a hand down his face, shook out his hair, and let out a long sigh.
His expression was as dark and crushing as the deep ocean, like he could die at any moment. Without thinking, I lifted my own glass and drained the bitter, sugary liquor inside.
"I was such a fool. Such an idiot. I don't even know if I ever thought of it as love from the start... Yeah. Love... it really wasn't. Makes sense, though. I was so naive back then. I just did whatever my parents told me—studied and studied, got into a good university, and then... nothing. Really. Nothing at all. At some point I just got so damn sick of it. And the thing I did so I wouldn't repeat the same mistake just ended up making me study even more. Ha..."
Even as he sighed, he kept tracing the footsteps of his past.
"So I rebelled, just a little. But even a small stone can hurt like hell if it hits you right. That little stone became a huge wound. And then I left. After I graduated, I threw myself into finding work and scraped together every last won I could. I cut back on spending, cut back on sleep, worked and studied just to save as much as possible—and eventually I managed to get this house. Everything else is empty, though."
He was drunk, but his words were still precise, upright, and clear. Hyung was already wearing a mask—the mask of a bright, cheerful man who always took the lead and said yes without hesitation.
Was the face he had shown me just kindness born of habit? Or was it nothing more than a hollow shell?
"I... I don't know. I tried my best to make up for my mistakes, and I thought if I just worked hard enough, something would come of it. But I got betrayed. This social contract I thought would at least amount to a business relationship crumbled into pieces. I didn't know I could be that stupid. You can't fix people. And you especially shouldn't get involved with someone who won't even try to change."
The story went on. I quietly poured more liquor into his glass, filling it to the brim.
"Still, something good came out of it. I met you, Jiwoo."
"...Me?"
"Yeah. You might wonder why that's a good thing, but for me, it really feels like you changed my life. I've never met anyone like you. I want to tell you what that feels like, but... hmm... I don't really have the words. Right now, though, I feel like everything's going to be okay. I've had a bit of a reality check, but I can just shake it off now. Complaining while you're stuck in the mud doesn't change anything, right?"
He looked up at the ceiling, let out a long breath, then turned to me. He was smiling brightly, just like the old him.
"...I should have told you not to get married back then."
"It doesn't matter anymore. Well—it does matter, but today I want to believe in fortune-telling. I had my fortune read once. They said a great disaster would block my path, and then a great blessing would come twofold. I think this might be that disaster the fortune-teller was talking about."
"Then... what are you going to do now?"
He quietly raised his glass.
Clink.
I tapped mine against his without thinking, and another bottle was emptied.
"Ahem... well... I guess I'll just have to start making money again. Now that there's nothing to spend on except myself..."
"...Want me to help?"
"Uh... help with what?"
Through my swimming vision, the kitchen came into view, washed in the glow of the city lights outside. It looked completely unused—still brand new. Hyung clearly hadn't been cooking in it either.
"I know how to cook."
"Uh... okay."
"I pretty much handled all the housework myself."
The thought that I would be the only one losing out by covering for my sister's mistakes had long since vanished. I wanted to help my brother-in-law.
"So, here's what I'm getting at..."
I wanted to atone for not stopping it back then.
"I'll live here at your place and take care of all the housework."
And that was how I decided to live with my brother-in-law.
"Haaaaah... mmph..."
I worked the stiffness from my limbs and sat up in bed.
"Ugh. What was that."
I couldn't quite remember what I had dreamed, but a wistful feeling lingered in my chest.
"You up?"
"Yeah... aah..."
I stretched, rolling my shoulders and reaching my arms overhead.
"Ah— um..."
Hyung had been changing and stopped halfway, turning his head.
"...? Oh."
My clothes had ridden up in my sleep. Which meant my bra had been... completely visible.
"I-I'll go make breakfast!"
Embarrassed before the day had even started.
Breakfast was about taking the edge off hunger. Something that filled you up without sitting heavy or greasy—that was the ideal. In that sense, kimchi stew and soybean-paste stew had to be the greatest breakfasts a Korean person could ask for. If you rotated through the options, there was bean-sprout soup, egg soup, beef-and-radish soup... I had hated all of them as cafeteria food, but in the morning there was nothing else for it. You couldn't exactly put out something thick and rich and tell someone to eat hearty before work.
"Breakfast is ready~"
Hyung came out a moment later.
I sucked in a breath. He was so handsome. Why did his wet hair falling slightly over his eyes make my heart race like this?
"Jiwoo, aren't you eating?"
"Ah. I am."
I had zoned out for a second. It had already been a week of this. I should have gotten used to it by now. My heart was still pounding.
"Hyu... hyung, I think you get more handsome every day."
"Uh... you think so? I feel like I look the same."
No. He didn't. Maybe it was the weight he was putting back on, but he looked different every single day. He had been so thin from not eating properly that you could see it in his face, and he still had a long way to go before he was back to himself. Which meant he could get even more handsome than this.
"You too... ah. Is this weird? I want to say you're pretty, but would you hate that?"
"Ah— no, it's fine. Thank you."
"Yeah? Jiwoo, you're really pretty."
Hearing it from him landed so much harder than hearing it from anyone else. Honestly, it made me happy. I wanted him to say it more. If I was being greedy, I wanted him to come close and whisper it against my ear.
No matter how I turned it over, what I felt for hyung wasn't the same as before. I was looking at him as a woman looks at a man.
Unni had told me as much. Hormones had something to do with it, she said. When the body changes, the mind changes with it. She had explained it all very clearly, using transgender people as an example, so it had been easy enough to follow. If I really hated it, I could get testosterone shots, apparently...
Honestly, I didn't care. I wanted to keep this feeling. This floating, giddy happiness was so sweet and so addictive that I wanted to let it grow, if anything.
Even when I was a man, hyung had the kind of face that other men would fall for. Looking at him now with a woman's eyes was probably part of why I liked him even more. I had already been fond of him. I was past fondness now. No—that wasn't right either. I had fallen for him from the very beginning. That was the honest way to put it.
"Have a good day at work!"
"Yeah. I'll be back!"
I had cheered him on with a little extra energy. At this rate, couldn't we almost pass for a married couple? Then again, we still got flustered just seeing each other's bodies. Married was a stretch. We weren't even dating...
"Alright... laundry..."
I picked up the laundry basket. My eyes fell on the clothes without thinking, and a scrap of memory flickered through my mind.
"......"
I was curious. Hyung's clothes, sitting there in the basket. The smell...
No. I...
I had thought it once before—if even the scent of his skin had been like that, what would his clothes be like? That time he caught me when I almost fell.
My head said one thing. My body was already leaning toward the basket. That was... right. I was just checking the smell so I would know how to wash them. A perfectly reasonable reason. I had my excuse now.
Body and mind had gotten on the same page and were making excuses together.
I carefully lifted a piece of clothing and breathed in. His scent clung to the fabric, thick and close. The smell of dried sweat, somehow fresh and fragrant at the same time—something almost sweet. Something warm.
A shaky breath slipped out of me. For some reason my whole body felt hot. Maybe because I was doing something I absolutely should not have been doing—my heart was pounding again, and my breathing had gone a little rough.
I wanted to smell it one more time.
I drew in another breath.
"...Jiwoo?"
"...Huh?"
That voice. That particular way of saying my name. A voice I should not have been hearing right now. I forced my stiff neck to turn.
Ah. Ah?
Why. Why why why why was hyung here!?!??
"Th-th-this is, um... I was going to do laundry... I just, briefly, the smell..."
"Uh... yeah. Okay. I left my watch, so I came back to grab it. Yeah. That."
I was losing my mind.
Hyung actually went into the room, as if he really had come back for his watch. I shoved the clothes into the basket as fast as I could.
"Ugh... hhh..."
A moment of weakness, and I had completely let my guard down. I had no idea how to talk my way out of this.
"I'm heading out...?"
"Y-y-yes... h-have a good day at w-work..."
Pervert. I was a pervert. What was any woman supposed to think, catching someone burying their face in her clothes and sniffing them?
Wait—no, his clothes. Same problem.
"Um...!"
"...Yeah?"
"It's... it's true. I really was just going to take a tiny sniff. Just for a second. I... I thought maybe they'd gotten mixed in clean by mistake, so I..."
"Y-yeah. It's fine. That happens."
I was completely finished. I didn't know anything anymore.
Hyung left again, and I sank straight to the floor like the world had ended.
"Aaaagh... nnghhh...!!!"
What was I supposed to do. What was I supposed to do.
"I... I don't know."
I gave up on thinking. All of it had become meaningless. Every attempt to fix this only made me look like more of a pervert.
I was completely, utterly finished.