Leaking Heaven's Secrets
"I'm really here because I was worried, unlike that cold-hearted Yulia! I'm so, so glad you're okay, Mister…!"
"C-cold-hearted…? N-no… I… I mean… it's not like I wasn't worried at all…"
Tremble, tremble.
Yulia's hands shook violently. The words wouldn't come out right; her lips quivered. Clinging to Aslan's chest, she pretended to sob—then stole a glance this way and flashed that little-devil smile of hers…!
Just watching it made her blood boil, yet snitching to Aslan would have been pathetic, and she had no way to prove it anyway. She was so floored and dumbfounded that, instead of a retort, only a helpless sigh slipped from her lips.
"Hnnngh! Since Yulia wasn't worried about Mister, I'll just hug him even tighter instead!"
"Hah! Huh…!"
Whump!
Charlotte latched onto Aslan even harder, letting out a nasal little hum. Yulia felt a sharp ache shoot through the back of her skull.
She more or less understood why Charlotte was doing this. She's telling me to be honest, isn't she? Stop saying things I don't mean and just step forward a little more boldly.
Charlotte might do irritating things from time to time, but she had never once done them out of genuine dislike. So even this time, she was doing it for Yulia's sake—and yet…
How am I supposed to be honest…?
This time, she simply couldn't follow Charlotte's lead. Being honest with her own heart was somehow manageable. Admitting she didn't dislike Aslan—that she liked him—was mortifying, but taking that single step was all it took. It wasn't that hard.
But being honest with herself and being honest with the other person were completely different problems. How could anyone treat someone exactly the way their heart wanted to? That was… that was just too…
Scary…
I'm scared of showing Aslan what's inside me…
She didn't know the cause or the reason, yet the fear was there all the same. She had told herself she would fix it—hundreds of times already. But every time the same situation returned, she got just as frightened and spat out the same prickly words she didn't mean.
Why was she like this? Why couldn't she be honest the way Charlotte was? Why could she only spit out these sharp, barbed things while her true feelings were completely different? While she secretly hoped Aslan would see through to her real heart… and yet, paradoxically, kept that heart locked away tight—why?
The more she thought about it, the more frustrated and pathetic she felt toward herself. Something began welling up from deep in her chest.
"I… I was… hhic… I was worried too… I was so scared you'd gotten hurt… and when you came back safe I had to hold back tears of relief so hard…"
An unstoppable torrent of emotion crashed over her. Even as the tears poured out, Yulia finally began to say the words she had wanted to say—no, the words she had needed to say.
"You'll hurt your eyes like that."
"Hhic, hhuuungh…"
Just as she was scrubbing furiously at her tears with the back of her hand, Aslan was already kneeling to meet her eye level. His large hand gently caught her wrist, then drew out a handkerchief and began softly wiping around her swollen eyes.
For some reason that only made the sorrow surge higher. Yulia flung her arms around his neck and clung to him.
"I… I said it wrong… I was so worried… I worried even more than Charlotte did…!"
"I know. I understand."
He wrapped his arms around her trembling body and patted her back in slow, steady strokes. Yulia burrowed deeper into his chest—and finally understood.
It wasn't Aslan she was afraid of. It was because she had learned how warm a person he was. Because she had come to like him far too much. She was terrified of being rejected by someone like that, and that was what made approaching him so frightening.
Just as there can be no disappointment without expectation, there can be no rejection if you never draw near.
I'm such a bothersome kid…
With that realization, Yulia was swallowed by thick self-loathing. A girl who couldn't be honest, who had a sharp tongue, who only ever said things she didn't mean. She couldn't imagine anyone ever liking a child like that.
Once the tears started, they wouldn't stop.
After finally calming the sobbing Yulia and sending her to the washroom to rinse her puffy eyes, I sank into thought. The time had come for some serious contemplation.
Yulia's tsundere attribute is about to vanish…
When we first met she had been all thorns, hurling harsh words at me. Later, even after realizing I wasn't as bad as she'd thought, she kept pretending to dislike me because she didn't want to admit she had been wrong. A girl who could only express affection through snippy little jabs was gradually becoming honest.
That was exactly the outcome I had longed for—and yet, now that the change was right in front of me, I somehow felt a pang of regret.
Is the final evolution of a tsundere really a megadere?
Was a tsundere destined to evolve into a megadere, or was remaining a tsundere to the very end the orthodox path? It was a profound and difficult subject.
Of course it was lovely to watch a child who only knew how to keep strangers at arm's length and hate them slowly accept my touch and grow honest. But even after becoming my bride, I still didn't want to give up that adorable dissonance—of her mouth forever complaining and sniping while her every action overflowed with affection and care.
Knowing that a tsundere must inevitably take one of those two routes made my heart ache with tragic sorrow. I wanted the child to grow and be dyed in my colors… and yet I felt grief at her changing. What on earth was this feeling? It was the moment I freshly realized just how contradictory a creature a human being truly is.
"Mister… Mister…"
Just then—tug, tug. Charlotte carefully plucked at my sleeve. Her lips moved soundlessly; she looked for all the world as if she had committed some terrible crime.
"About Yulia… I actually lied…"
"What do you mean?"
"I already knew Yulia was super worried about you the whole time… I just got petty for no reason. I lied and said she didn't care about you at all. That's probably why she cried…"
"I don't think that was the only reason she cried."
"It was, though… I thought doing that would make her be honest… but I guess she wasn't ready yet. It's my fault for not being more considerate of her…"
Charlotte drooped, shoulders sagging. She chewed her lip as if she truly regretted it. It had been a long time since I'd seen her without her usual bright energy. She always acted like a little scamp, yet today she seemed more grown-up than Yulia.
"You don't need to worry about it so much. I'm sure Yulia realized something from this too."
"Uuugh. Yulia doesn't only dislike you, Mister… Please make sure you know that…"
"I already do. I can tell perfectly well when the things Yulia says are sincere and when they're just words that slip out because she's bad at being honest."
"Huh? How? Even I can't usually tell…"
Charlotte tilted her head, openly puzzled. How could she not know? It was hard to believe, coming from the girl who spent more time with Yulia than anyone.
"If you watch Yulia's reactions carefully, it all becomes obvious. When she rattles something off without the slightest hesitation or pause, it's one hundred percent sincere—mostly when she's talking about her own interests or launching into explanations about the spirits. When her pupils flick upward mid-sentence while she thinks and the tempo slows down, it's a half-truth mixed with a lie. And when she completely avoids my eyes, stutters, or falters, you can count it as nearly one hundred percent a lie. Just now, when she claimed she hadn't worried about me, it was the third case. On top of that, Yulia has a habit of saying 'hmph' with a little smile when she's in a good mood—so when it shows up even though she clearly isn't happy, it's a kind of self-hypnosis she uses to cover the lie."
"Ah…"
Evil God Kali is appalled by your sheer creepiness.
Charlotte took a startled step backward. Now she, too, would be able to tell whether Yulia's sniping was genuine or not. Had I told her too much? I felt as if I had just leaked heaven's secrets.
"Mister… something about this feels icky…"
"What."
Charlotte's point-blank shot slammed straight into my heart. That one hit bone… Combined with the faint look of contempt on her face, my chest ached even as some taste I really shouldn't have woken up began to stir.
"But I feel better now. It makes me think you care about Yulia even more than I realized."
"I care about you just as much, so don't you worry."
"Yeah, of course… Wait? Huh? Ah…? Uh…?"
She had been smiling casually, then belatedly processed my meaning and flushed bright red. Had she honestly believed until now that I was only aiming for Yulia as a bride?
As if. When two delicious flavors of ice cream are sitting right in front of you, there's no reason in the world to pick only one.