The Day Before the Enlightenment Exam
The day before the Enlightenment Exam. I shuffle into the dorm room like a zombie, all limp and listless.
"Uuu, ughhh, uuuwuuu..."
"..."
"Utya, tyatya... utyaaaah..."
"..."
"Ttya... ttoru dai..."
"Shut up."
I'm just venting my inner turmoil with these babyish wails, and what do I get? A scolding. Dana's always got something to gripe about. I naturally hover near her, fidgeting nonstop. Sure enough, she can't ignore it—she slams her book shut, sighs heavily, and turns to me.
"What's wrong."
"Well... it's nothing big."
"Yeah."
"But still... my head's a mess. Figured talking it out might help, like therapy or whatever..."
"Spit it out already."
I explain what happened earlier.
"Serina... got mad at me..."
I thought I'd never see that sweet, gentle girl lose her temper in my lifetime. Even Dana looks surprised, her eyebrow twitching.
"You two fight?"
"Nah, not exactly. Hard to say..."
Really, how do I even put it? It's not like I feel guilty and can't explain—it's just that I literally don't know the reason, so my mouth hangs open like a fish.
"Walk me through it."
"Lately... maybe she didn't like how much time I've been spending with Alicia?"
From there, I end up spilling all my inner worries to Dana. Serina had asked me with this scary look: Are you doing something impure right now, Lily? What did I even say back? Oh right. Kinda, if you think about it...? And I laughed it off awkwardly with an "ehehe."
Then, like she'd been hammered by a mallet, Serina looked shocked right in front of me, and I went, No no, not like that—it's just, while studying, I touch here and there a bit. Totally casual, like it was no big deal.
"Then suddenly, she makes this weird face and asks if she can touch me too. I just said absolutely not."
"...Why?"
"Huh?"
"There must be a reason."
"J-just... no reason?"
"'No reason' my ass."
Hmm. Why did I say that? I'm not really into being touched anyway—no fun in it for me—so it'd just wear out Serina's hands for nothing. Better save it for other girls. Something like that?
"Doesn't add up. What about Alicia then?"
"She's just... weird, y'know."
"Hm."
"And... it just kinda happened with her. No helping it..."
Dana's eyes narrow. She's staring at me like she hates it, or maybe finds it pathetic. Then she mutters to herself.
"So you were messing around with Alicia behind my back..."
"Huh?"
"You're dead."
Her face chills me to the bone. Her words terrify me. I shrink back, totally cowed. But Dana doesn't actually do anything, despite her threat. She just glances at the clock, then peeks out the window at the setting sun.
"Anyway. What happened next?"
"That's it. Serina suddenly goes, I'm sorry, with this super pissed look and storms off..."
The problem is, I have no clue what I did wrong. Did I flaunt how good it feels with Alicia? But that's not something Serina should get mad about, right?
"Acting like you don't know all the time—that's a shitty habit."
"......"
It's weird for someone like her to get hurt caring about trash like me. It shouldn't happen. I genuinely hope it doesn't. But that wish contradicts my actions. It's normal to squeal if someone touches you, but not you. Can't be helped, so why get mad? That's the only stance I can take anymore.
Feels like I've fallen into a trap I set myself. My face must darken, because Dana pats my shoulder.
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"How...?"
"You've been dying to shake her off."
True. No matter what I did, she never got mad or complained—just kept clinging. I was half-ready to give up. Maybe this is my chance to end this weird limbo with Serina. Exactly what I wanted.
Petty fights turning into total silence? Happens all the time between girls. Like Dana says, it's for the best.
...But I can't nod along. Something's bubbling up inside me.
I hesitate, then finally say it.
"Thing is... I told her I'd think about it seriously..."
"Think about what?"
It was the promise from the festival. When Serina tried to say something important, I cut her off—Tell me later—then slyly brought it up. Not sure if she even sees it as a promise. Hell, she probably didn't hear it over the fireworks. My cowardly true feelings, whispered on the sly. Even if she did, I planned to play drunk and claim no memory. Like always, just pretend it never happened. So why does it nag at me now?
"Serina..."
I murmur her name, rolling it on my tongue in a daze. Dana glances at the clock again, looking like someone praying for time to hurry. Then she sighs.
"I did say I'd fix it no matter what..."
Regretting it? She rubs her furrowed brow, trying to smooth it out. Silence falls.
I recall Serina's anger and clam up in shock. Dana stops talking for reasons I can't guess. A few seconds pass like that. Then, out of nowhere, I really take in Dana's face.
She brushes back her long black hair, lost in thought. It's so fitting, I stare for a good while.
"..."
Ah. Kinda bad. I was just thinking about Serina. My head was full of her, stuck groaning like an idiot. Then Dana wedges in, and... yeah. Can't look away.
"..."
What the hell? Even I'm confused by my own shift. Sure, Dana's pretty, but she's my friend. She's been nicer lately, but still a thug who punches first... Still, she's pretty. Not just her face—her personality too. Grumpy, but reliable. Listens seriously to my dumb worries. Always watching me. Subtly caring. Fun to tease 'cause she reacts honestly. Her flustered face when I sexually harass her is hot. Sometimes she punches my stomach. Hard enough I can't breathe, coughing and wheezing—feels amazing... Wait, no, that's not right.
Whoa? Dana... hits closer to my type than I thought? Not my usual sleazy yuri-obsessed self saying that—it's this tiny core deep inside, wondering.
Before I know it, I stand and approach, grabbing the ends of her glossy black hair. Dana, perched on the bed, looks up at me with a catlike face, blinking slowly. Tilts her head.
"Why?"
I snap out of it, shocked by my own thoughts and actions, and back away fast.
Am I nuts, Lily? What the hell was that?
"N-nothing..."
"Whatever. You were kinda shitty to Serina."
"Was I?"
"Treat her right. Make her forgive you."
"How?"
"Figure it out yourself."
Treat her right? Does Dana even realize what she's saying? Serina's mad because Alicia gets to touch but she doesn't. To fix that anger... yeah, treat her the same. Setting aside whether a yuri girl should let a TS girl cling—suddenly, I want to ask Dana something.
Are you okay with it? Me rolling around with other girls? You weren't before. One overnight stay and you'd blow up. Not anymore? Changed your mind? Why? I wish... you'd think about me more...
"Why the face?"
"No, just... just..."
"?"
"Never mind."
But I mumble it away. If she said what I wanted—If that's what you want—I'd flip out and do something to her right now.
...I'm crazy. Thinking that about Dana.
Excuse? My brain's jammed with horniness. Not just Dana—all the girls look pretty, I want them closer, want them thinking only of me. Weird mood. Blame Alicia. All that groping gets me worked up. But it never finishes, so the piled-up lust thins my self-control.
This could ruin everything. Gotta fix it.
I lay my freshly washed body on the bed. Wait for time to pass.
I'm not that horny usually. Or so I thought. But sometimes it hits. I live with filthy thoughts 24/7, so my clueless body occasionally heats up like this, impossible to ignore.
When it messes up daily life, I try this. Every few months. Never succeeds. After fiddling awhile, it feels weird. Like I'll break if I keep going. Shatter. Vanish. Scary...
I chicken out and stop. I know it'll end that way, but I do it anyway. Self-flagellation. A few minutes of touching blanks my mind white. Give in to fear, quit—Can't even finish anyway, worthless if you get this hot—repeat that, and the arousal fades like a lie, body back to normal.
So today, expecting failure, I bring my fingertips to my body.