What Should I Do?
What do I do? Fireworks over, costume returned to the shop, I'm trudging back to school all by my lonesome. I flat-out refused their offers to walk me to the dorm. Needed time to think. Hotter-than-summer breaths escape my lips. I sigh where no one can see, shuffling along in a funk.
I said I had stuff to mull over, but my head's a total mess. Thoughts tangled like a knotted ball of yarn, or a mangled film reel sputtering to life—can't string 'em together. All that's left in the end is regret. Shouldn't have done that.
Lately, I feel my bonds with these girls tightening. Alicia and Serina both show clear interest, sticking close, pulling all these subtle moves. The problem? I don't push them away. Sure, I yell in my head that it's wrong, make a big show of it in my mind... but in reality?
I know why. Deep down, that hidden truth keeps poking its head out. Even knowing how it'll end. Even after living through it before...
Where did it all go wrong? Refusing their invite to the festival? Failing to draw a line with their advances? Hell, maybe enrolling in this school was the mistake from the start.
Lost in those thoughts, I'm already at the dorm. I open the door. Black hair greets me.
"Dana. Should I just drop out?!"
"What bullshit is this now."
"So mean! Calling me a dog?!"
I let out a pathetic pueeeng whine and glom onto my childhood friend without warning. Dana recoils in horror.
"Ugh, booze stench... You drank?!"
"Yeah... a little...?"
"That's not 'a little.' You reek."
"Ehehe."
"Get off."
Dana shoves me away without mercy. I stumble like I'm about to topple but end up grinning anyway—feels good. When I crowd in, girls push back. I creepily cling on with a uhuhuhu, they shove again 'cause it's weird. Eventually, they get fed up and bail. That's what I wanted. Normal relations. Or so I thought.
"You."
"Yeah?"
"Something happen?"
If she asks what, where do I even start? Went to the festival with those two. Tried on clothes that didn't suit me. Ate apple candy. Downed a few drinks. Watched fireworks... But that's not what Dana means.
I could play dumb, but I decide against it. Just feels right. Dana picks up on my weird vibe, face turning serious. Spit it out, whatever it is.
Her attitude gives me courage. Booze still buzzing too. I spill a bit of the worries I'd buried deep.
"Daaa-na."
"Yeah."
"What... what should I do?"
No object, all vague, but Dana gets it instantly. She's watched me for nearly a decade, after all.
"Whatever you want."
Not the answer I hoped for. Whatever you want? You know better than anyone what happens when I do that.
"You know... I..."
"I know. Do it anyway."
"......"
Are we even on the same page? I wonder idly. Maybe she's just brushing me off? I sneak a peek—no sign of it.
How can she say that, knowing what happened? Kinda hurts. Dana nods like she expected it.
"Lily. You get way too cocky sometimes."
"Whaaat."
"Think every little thing you do could wreck everything around you, right?"
Wreckage. Strong word. But yeah, surroundings shatter, leaving scars on me and everyone else.
"What happened to you was coincidence. Just happened to have girls like that around you."
Elementary school? Rooftop flashes back unbidden—makes me nauseous. Those kids' faces still haunt me. Like they'll show up any second to throttle me. Why'd you do that? Why didn't you like me back? It's your fault. All because of you...
Stream of consciousness flows to middle school. Kids I'd laughed with just yesterday turned vicious overnight. Reasons, sure—but the trigger? Rejecting a confession from one. My fault again.
Whenever someone likes me, shit hits the fan. Can't buy Dana's take. Once? Maybe luck. Twice? Third time's not charmed. Blame coincidence or pin it on them, rush ahead, repeat the nightmare? I'd off myself for real.
No thanks. Scary. Terrifying. Don't wanna see pretty girls twist up because of me anymore.
"Finally got you to open up. Sigh."
Dana studies my face forever, sighs. Changes tack—pulls me to the bed's edge, sits beside me.
"Tell me what went down with those two today."
"Even if you say that."
"Wanna know why you're freaking out."
True. I recall today. No brain filter—pure reflex.
"So, we held hands..."
"Like this?"
Dana grabs mine lightly. Nope. I grip harder, pressing down, tight enough to hurt.
"Yeah. Then?"
"Kinda ended up changing into festival outfits."
"Uh-huh."
"Came out and their faces were weird. No clue why."
"Really no clue?"
"...Yeah."
"Hm. Go on."
"So, for a while, just staring... locking eyes..."
Dana stares right at me. Close—her obsidian eyes reflect my face. I'm near tears.
"Like this?"
"Uh, yeah..."
"Next."
"Next...? Oh. Fireworks—crowd was nuts."
"Yeah."
"Got shoved around, ended up leaning heads on shoulders. Yeah. That."
"Ended up?"
"Why keep asking...?"
"Just."
Dana pulls my head to her shoulder. I stay quiet a beat, then confess like absolution.
"Truth? Wasn't accident. Not coincidence."
"So, drunk then?"
"......No. Don't think so. Just... wanted to."
"Pathetic. No excuses even."
That's the issue. Broke every vow I swore to pre-enrollment Dana. Wanted to just watch from afar. But facing them, heart races. Desires boil. I cross lines first.
"Dana. I'm scared..."
"Of what."
"Feel my thoughts changing. Shouldn't. It's only been months..."
Worst part? I can't resist any pretty girl. Greedy beyond my means—want mutual love with everyone, no drama.
"It's fine."
"What if it happens again?"
"I'm here."
"Eek. Cringe..."
"Yeah."
Joke like some fairy-tale prince, get dead serious back. Dana says it straight.
"Missed the first time, but handled the second."
"......By beating girls bloody."
No joke—Dana really punched out my bullies. Could've been legal hell, but they shut up, scared of their dirt surfacing. Dizziness hits recalling it. Dana pulping pretty faces? Not normal either.
"What's the problem?"
"......"
"Even if by chance—those two, or other girls you want—stir shit up, not your fault, just coincidence again. I'll fix it."
"Dana..."
"Wanna punch you first for letting it get that far, though."
"Hey."
Ruins a cool line. Still, her tough-love words don't sway my core belief: my actions hurt everyone around me.
But maybe... no need for guilt on top of giving in to desire. Problems? Dana's got it. Lighter now. Good I spoke up.
Felt like an out-of-control train engineer, barreling to doom, no brakes. Now? Words didn't flip everything, but faith she'll handle crashes? Solid.
Sudden baby mood hits. I turn, squeeze Dana tight. She hugs back.
"No boobs to bury into with you..."
"Yours are big enough."
"......"
Don't sexually harass back, idiot. Embarrassing.
Guess I passed out in her arms.
...
Morning: neck, collarbone, under-chin—bug bites everywhere. Festival outfit didn't cover? Summer night, strobe lights—bugs galore, yeah...
Dana spots me plastering bandages in the mirror, smirks.
"Consultation fee."
"Huh?"
"Gotta charge for hearing your drunken whining."
What nonsense. Loves spouting cryptic crap.