If You Like No One
Dana to Lily: If you don't like anyone, I won't cross the line either. That was the best Dana could manage as a child. It wasn't meant to imply, "If I can't have you, no one can." Someone might twist her intentions and call her selfish, but Dana was more than ready to shoulder that infamy. To save a girl drowning in distrust of people, what wouldn't she do? It was a kind of comfort, a makeshift crutch for someone blaming themselves for their own ugliness and failures. And the fact that Dana herself wasn't exempt only made it more trustworthy.
Lily recovered because of those words. Once she truly understood what Dana meant. If I don't say I like someone, if I like no one, if no one shows me affection, then nothing like that will happen again. She clung to the flimsy proposition Dana had offered—like a crude lifeline ready to snap—and finally stood back up. The light returned to her vacant eyes, color flushed back into her pale lips.
But Dana hoped Lily would break that promise someday. She prayed that the makeshift crutch would eventually outlive its use, that one day Lily would truly say she liked her. Or if not her, then someone else. Sure, it'd piss her off. She'd be so furious she might want to die. She might even unleash that rage on Lily—after all, she was timid but had a sneaky hot-tempered streak. Someday she might mock and curse these very thoughts. Even so. For Lily to lock away her heart forever, never sharing affection with anyone—that was just too heartbreaking.
...A few more years passed. Lily entered middle school and once again became the center of her class. But things were different now. Her self-introduction was the same as always, her trademark girl-loving, boy-hating lesbian vibe unchanged. Yet she drew a clear line around herself, as if she were the exception. Only Dana knew about the blade hidden behind that bubbly smile.
The problem was, most of the girls couldn't accept that Lily held the knife's handle—the power to sever ties. When one of them casually—or maybe calculatedly—confessed, "I like you," Lily turned ice-cold, like she was a different person. She deliberately shut the girl out, avoiding her so blatantly it bordered on childish. Driving her away until she got sick of Lily herself.
But luck wasn't on her side. The girl who'd confessed was a vicious type. And around that age, girls instinctively learn how to tear into each other's weaknesses. For those whose envy and jealousy outstrip admiration and longing, Lily was perfect prey. Proving the old saying that a woman's grudge brings frost even in May, the rejected girl took the lead in targeting her. The goodwill around Lily flipped to torment in an instant.
Her habit of openly preferring women became prime fodder. She hadn't hurt anyone, but just being different got her fingers pointed at her. Dana had no intention of defending Lily's sexuality. Society's view on it was what it was—that was Lily's hurdle to overcome. But bullying was wrong. The ostracism hit Lily slyly. Imagine discovering friends you'd been chatting with normally were now gossiping behind your back. From there, anonymous malice poured down on her.
Dead rats or disgusting filth stuffed in her shoe locker or desk were routine. Disgustingly, they'd pretend to comfort her. Aw, poor thing. Through it all, Lily smiled innocently, just like always. You could even call it her ditzy, giggling idiot act. But it didn't make the girls repent. If anything, it sparked a weird stubbornness to see how far she could endure.
That's around when Dana developed her current personality. She was frustrated. Watching silently felt like she'd explode from rage. Why put up with that crap like a total pushover, no reaction at all? If she'd just cried, that would've been better. Don't smile so calmly like you saw it coming.
People fear the dog that might bite anytime more than the one barking wildly. To fend off Lily's tormentors, Dana had to play it cynical. But when necessary—when they crossed the line she'd set—she didn't hesitate to throw punches. She beat them down. Dana, who'd grown up timid her whole life, wasn't a great fighter, but ripping hair and clawing was all those girls knew anyway. Her raw beatdowns hit hard. Their barbs and nails couldn't pierce Dana's fury.
And so the bullying of Lily ended. ...Unfortunately, only in Dana's presence. Dana didn't know. Only Dana didn't know.
One day, the cherry blossoms fell. Half of Lily's long hair was gone. Seeing it, Dana's vision went white. It wasn't "cut"—it was hacked off. Her scalp was buzzed unevenly, crusted with scabs. Lily never opened her mouth, but guessing the culprits was easy. I'll make you the same. Thick impulse swallowed Dana whole.
But first, she hit Lily. No elegant slap—she just slammed her fist into her stomach with all her strength. It was infuriating, smiling like always even after things got this bad. Take your punishment sweetly. If that's why she didn't fight back, Dana had to beat sense into her. It was her duty. If you hate something, say it. Just nobly observing isn't a solution. What makes you so high and mighty?
Only then did Lily cry. Maybe just from the stomach pain, but it was positive change. Later, Dana thought it was pretty effective—she'd periodically wring tears out of her with some excuse. Crying always brings relief, no matter how it happens. Lily wanted it too. Though her subtly begging for more beatings felt a bit pervy.
Dana sometimes wondered. If she'd known Lily would grow into someone who teased her insides—Hit me, hit me—spewing all sorts of filthy talk with her as the target, would she have held back? Bullshit. Give her a hundred chances, the result would be the same. Honestly, now she just wants to hit her out of annoyance. Wringing tears has become routine.
...Anyway, through those incidents, Lily and Dana became inseparable. When cherry blossom season rolled around again, years later, the girl with pink hair grown out just to her chin—scars of the past faded—said,
"I'm just not getting involved anymore."
"Huh?"
"It's too hard for me. You're my friend, Dana. You're enough."
"..."
"I like girls, but I knew from the start I shouldn't. I was too selfish. Now, just watching from the sidelines is fine. No, I have to."
It wasn't a lie. But it would become one. Lily always drew affection from those around her. How long would that resolve last? And what new incident would shatter it? Dana felt a bit dizzy.
That's why she never fully blocked Alicia or Serina from approaching Lily. Touch her if you want. You'll end up crossing the line eventually. That's how Lily is. But you need to know—the knife's handle is in Lily's hand. And if, just if, you see Lily's true face and give her what I can't, freeing her from her self-imposed prison—that'd be even better. Sure, jealousy would boil, she'd rage Why not me? and vent, fights would erupt because she couldn't accept it. But if Lily opens her heart as a result...
Someday, Lily asked just that. Don't you want anything while hanging out with me? How brutally piercing. What I want? Yeah. Of course. I'm always thinking about it. You have no idea how hard I try to keep it from spilling out. I want to say it right now. If I did, I wouldn't be suffering like this. But, but that's what you hate.
"......"
Her reverie shattered there. Lost in past memories, Dana looked down at Lily clutched tight in her arms. She could no longer define the emotions she poured into Lily. Too vicious for "love," too desperate for "hate-love," too cruel for "friendship"—how could one word capture it?
Just a bit annoying, though. While she's losing sleep over these thoughts, this is already Lily's second sleepover. Suddenly, that snow-white nape catches her eye. Not Dana's fault. Lily's, for being so defenseless. At least that's what Dana thought. Living with pervert-level dirty talk on her lips, yet oblivious to it happening to her—that innocence drove Dana mad.
Deciding to cross the line had started from the fateful moment they were assigned the same dorm room. How many nights had she stayed up white-eyed, burning black inside? For someone as timid as Dana despite her tough front, this was only the second time.
The first was with the back of her hand.
"..."
A little? No, very annoying. Coming back reeking of another girl and snuggling like this. And what's with that bento? So irritating...
Dana grew bolder.
"Mm..."
She pressed her lips to the milk-white clean skin of her neck. Just that made her body hair stand on end. Lily let out a itchy whimper at the hot breath on her nape, "Hngh."
That sound thrilled her to the tips of her hair; when she came to, she was sucking wildly. It'll bruise. No way, just biting and licking bare skin. If not for Lily's sleep-talk right then, her neck would've been covered in hickeys.
"Uh, ugh..."
"..."
"P-polar bear..."
As Lily stirred awake, Dana yanked her head back. Her heart pounded realizing she'd done something unforgivable.
"Polar bear eggs... hngh, slugs, slimy slug tentacles..."
"......"
"Pussy... thick tentacle slime sticky sweet pussy eggs... ohohoho... you slutty polar bear bitch, get pregnant with eggs, ungh, uaaah..."
"..."
How the hell did I end up liking a girl like this? Dana forgot her racing heart and let out a deep sigh.