Chapter 23
Chapter 23
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Translator: MadScientist
Chapter: 23
Chapter Title: Evil Spirits Assault! (1)
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As we entered the room prepared inside, the deputy priest—his form obscured by bars and curtains—spoke first.
"You've come for a blessing, I take it."
"Yes."
"And the subject is...?"
"This young lady here."
I seated Cynthia, and she gave a timid little bow, trembling all the while.
"H-Hello..."
Suddenly, it struck me how much she resembled a rabbit. Always on alert for danger, flinching at every shadow.
So, the moment she awakens to protect her friends—would it be like an ordinary rabbit turning into a killer rabbit? Truly the original protagonist. She failed, but still... awakening.
"H-Hello... I heard that, um, I might get attacked by evil spirits..."
"Might I see your hand?"
There was a hole under the bars, just big enough for a hand to pass through.
Until quite recently, all sorts of shiny metals had been exchanged through that very hole.
That corruption had been eradicated by Melti Luther, priest of the Heavenly God Church, who nailed shut 95 corrupt churches with 95 massive spikes, culminating in her final battle against the priests who worshipped the Outer God, Mother of a Thousand Black Goats... or so the tales go.
A fine heroic saga.
The saga's heroine had even been chosen as the subject of a miracle, summoned to the heavens in her final moments.
- You lot keep spinning your wheels. I'm off to nurse at our goddess's bosom!
If only she hadn't revealed such a crass inner thought at the last second—getting her wounds healed and booted back to earth—it would have been far more touching.
At any rate, Reformer Luther was a household name everyone knew.
The deputy priest examined Cynthia's hand and let out a sigh.
"Ah, yes... this is definitely a problem."
"Eek...! A-Am I... g-going to die...!?"
No, she wouldn't die.
And even if evil spirits really did attack, there were plenty of ways to deal with them. We'd only come for prevention, which was better than cure.
But.
"...Yes. You could die."
"Hiiiiiik...!"
What the hell was this?
"You're already possessed by a most wicked spirit. But! Most fortunately, the faithful one has arrived just in time!"
Something's off?
Why did that guy's voice suddenly sound suspicious?
"If we act now—and if you heed my words closely—we can purify you without issue!"
"Is that for real, Deputy Priest!?"
"Of course!"
And why did that voice sound so damn familiar?
—Don't go into sales later, even if you have nothing else to do.
—Why not?
—You'd be too good at it.
...No way.
"If you opt for our limited-edition A-grade purification set, freshly imported—"
"Melti."
The deputy priest's voice cut off abruptly.
"You're Melti, aren't you?"
"I think you've got the wrong person."
"I didn't notice with your voice all disguised, but the moment you start your shady sales pitch, you slip back into your normal tone."
"I have no idea who you are. Perhaps the Lord of All knows?"
"Why are you playing deputy priest here? Priest? Didn't they make you a bishop before?"
"Wrong person. Me, the great Melti Luther of the 95 Theses—?"
"You haven't gone and worn holy relics once then sold them as 'relics,' have you?"
"..."
"...Come out here, lady."
"I'm 29! Not a lady yet!"
"I don't want to hear that from someone who's 29 and peddling replica relics!"
"I don't lie! I really wore them at least once before taking them off!"
"Just lie instead!"
◇◇◇◆◇◇◇ "...Oh, right."
Far from the capital now, Pink Pink suddenly remembered a question she'd been dying to ask.
'Why the hell was that roll-bread girl wearing a maid outfit?'
...A hobby?
She'd heard some high-society types and officials relieved stress through role-play like that.
...But would that airheaded young lady even have that kind of stress?
She started to ponder it, then gave up halfway and shook her head. Imagining the details might lower her IQ.
This world had far too many weirdos. It made life hard for normal, sensible folks like her.
Thinking that sincerely, Pink Pink refocused on grilling her steak inside the carriage.
◇◇◇◆◇◇◇ It wasn't church law per se, but there was a general understanding that priests shouldn't show excessive deference to laypeople.
Thus, even in the church's backyard, the sight of a bishop in full robes kneeling was inherently awkward.
And if the reason was an apology—for secretly skimming a bit of money while posing as a lowly cleric—well, that made it even more cringe-worthy.
"Are you an idiot?"
"Yes! I'm an idiot!! A piece of trash! Worse than a rat devouring rations! So please, just overlook it this once—I'll be grateful forever!"
Her dirty blonde hair—gold streaked with brown—spilled onto the grass as she bowed low.
"This is the Eastern dougesse gesture, the most effective way to express sincere remorse—"
"Don't."
"Got it."
The champion of church reform lifted her face and averted her eyes from me.
"...I'm losing my mind. How do we keep running into each other like this?"
"We're in the capital."
Anyone could cross paths here. Even folks from outlying regions or with roots elsewhere often visited.
"Fair point... Anyway, I never crossed any real danger lines, so please just let it slide this once...!"
Unable to bow, she clasped her hands in front and started begging.
"I kept detailed lists of what I collected from each person and how much I pocketed separately! I planned to settle up after everything was done!"
"...So why the hell were you doing this?"
Melti (29, bishop, hero of church reform) looked away.
"...Well, you see."
"Short on cash?"
"More like... I have a project I want to push forward as fast as possible, but scraping together funds the normal way would take forever..."
"What project?"
Melti pressed her lips shut for a moment, then steeled herself.
"...I can tell Arthur. See, I want to build a new church. One that doesn't exist yet."
Bigger topic than expected.
'Creating a new denomination separate from the Heavenly God Church's existing orders...'
It was the kind of idea that made cold sweat trickle down my back.
Most humans in this world worshipped the Heavenly God, but differences in methods, rituals, values, and theology often led to schisms and new denominations.
Those usually stayed small-scale, got reabsorbed, or veered into worshipping other gods entirely. That's how the Universal Church maintained its "universal" status through the ages.
But if the leader of the schism was church reformer Melti Luther? The impact would be on another level.
I had to ask.
"What kind of church?"
"...One with a soft goddess statue."
"...?"
I heard it, but it didn't compute. What?
"I peeked into the alchemy scene lately, and I made a huge discovery."
Melti pulled a palm-sized, squishy lump from her bosom and held it out to me.
"What's this?"
I touched it. Not just squishy—super bouncy. It sprang back when pressed.
Size fit perfectly in one hand. Not a perfect sphere; more like a water droplet, lopsided—
"Fake boob. Close your eyes and you can't tell it from the real thing?"
"Are you insane, lady?"
"I didn't make it! Some talented alchemist did!"
Hold on.
"What does a fake boob have to do with opening a new church?"
"Why open a church? I said build one."
"...Isn't that the same?"
"?"
Melti tilted her head, then laughed. "Oh! Aha!"
"Worried I'd split from the Universal Church to start a new denomination? Haha! Why bother with that?"
"Y-Yeah?"
"Sure, if I had a ton of grievances, maybe... but most of my reforms got accepted, right? We cracked down on a lot of the wasteful churches too."
Melti giggled.
"If I did that for real, and some disgruntled regional lords with autonomy issues got the wrong idea... boom, the world's split in two. Fun to imagine, though."
"Y-Yeah. Fun imagination."
Melti continued.
"What I mean is, I literally want to build a new church building. Following precedents, but with my personal touch. And the most important part of that 'personal touch' is...!"
Melti hoisted the fake silicone boob.
"A goddess statue you can touch!"
"Stop."
"One where you can bury your face in the bosom!"
"Lady, you're gonna get struck by lightning."
"The Lord of All isn't that petty, is he?"
Was it my imagination?
Seemed like storm clouds had gathered, then hesitated.
Probably just my imagination?
'...But.'
Setting aside this boob-obsessed lunatic's new-church (not Protestantism, note) idea.
"What's the alchemist's name?"
Far as I recalled, no current alchemists had the chops to invent silicone. New face since last I checked?
"What, you wanna sponsor too?"
"No."
"Aw, don't be shy, young man~ Prime of life~!"
"God, seriously—"
"Enough."
"..."
"For real, that hurts my feelings. I'm 29 now too, you know..."
"...Sorry, sis."
"Good. Ahem, ahem."
She cleared her throat and switched back to her bubbly energy, as if nothing happened.
"The alchemist's name was... Dian, I think!"
Dian?
"Dian Learus, by any chance?"
"You know her?"
Know her? All too well.
Dian Learus—the White Mage from the original protagonist's party.
An image flashed: Lea, the Blue Swordswoman, not as a swordmaster but a lazy part-timer.
And the last thread of hope? Turned into a silicone-boob researcher?
'...I'm losing my mind.'
I rubbed my face in frustration.
"Kyaaaaah!?"
Cynthia's scream rang out—far more urgent than usual.