For the First Time, I Had a Secret
Seoyeon stood silently beside me for a while, and then she was gone.
And I still had my hand resting on the painting.
I picked up the brush.
I drew a line.
Between the two of us, facing each other as we were, a black line had somehow come to stand in the way.
"Ha."
The moment I looked in the mirror, a hollow laugh escaped me.
My eyes weren't just puffy — they were absurdly swollen. I looked like some kind of eyeball monster.
There was no way I could see Seoyeon looking like this— no, wait. Did that even matter anymore?
I left the house.
Honestly, I still hadn't sorted out my feelings. I mean, it was seven years, after all.
If feelings I'd carried for seven years could vanish overnight, that would be its own kind of sad, wouldn't it?
So I decided to accept this emotion in full.
Looking forward to the day I could finally shake off this sticky, clinging feeling once and for all.
So that one day, Seoyeon and I could laugh about it together — yeah, I was like that back then.
And so I came to a stop in front of Seoyeon's house.
Not as the girl I loved anymore, but as a friend.
My index finger, hovering over the doorbell, refused to move.
"Stop being an idiot."
I muttered to myself and, in a fit of frustration, jabbed the doorbell.
Before long, her mother greeted me at the door.
"Siwoo, can you believe this!"
"...Sorry?"
"Seoyeon! Got up!! EARLY!!!"
Good heavens.
It truly was an astonishing event. I could completely understand why her mother was wearing an expression straight out of Munch's The Scream.
Just then, Seoyeon appeared at her mother's side.
"Morning......"
"...Yeah."
I couldn't bring myself to meet her eyes, so I kept my head down.
At this rate, all my resolve from minutes ago was a joke.
I clenched my fist tight and forced myself to look her in the eye.
What met me were the deep, dark shadows under her eyes.
She'd covered them with makeup, but one look at her dull, clouded gaze told me everything.
...Ah. She didn't sleep.
I sized up her condition instantly.
The sudden news last night must have left her mind in chaos.
But I made a point of not letting on that I'd noticed.
"You're up early."
"Yeah. My eyes just flew open this morning."
"Guess you've finally matured a little."
"Excuse me?"
Seoyeon planted both hands on her hips and glared at me.
I dodged her gaze and spoke with all the calm I could fake.
"Let's go. If we're late again today, it's really going to be a problem."
"...Fine. Oh, but about what we were talking about yesterday—"
"Hurry up. We don't have much time."
"...Okay."
I have no memory of what we talked about on the way to school.
Still, I think I managed to hide my feelings reasonably well.
Though my heart's reflexive response to her was, as always, beyond my control.
The truth was, I still liked Seoyeon. She was the one who'd saved me, after all. The one who fixed that hellish painting was none other than her.
Which meant the current situation was a bit of a problem.
Same class. Desk partners.
On top of the fluttering in my chest, it was enough to make my brain melt.
If only she weren't sitting right next to me—
"We'll keep morning homeroom short today. We're changing seats."
Just then, a hand of salvation reached down to me.
Our current arrangement had always been temporary.
We'd simply sat wherever we wanted, for now.
"The method's a little boring, but we'll draw lots. Everyone got that? Okay, come up in student-number order."
The teacher set a large box down on the desk.
At the same moment, Seoyeon smacked my shoulder.
"What do we do? If we get split up, should I ask to switch?"
Come to think of it, Seoyeon had been happy when she ended up paired with me. We'd been in the same class plenty of times, but not once had we ever been desk partners.
But this, and this alone, was something I absolutely couldn't give in on.
To stay her friend, it seemed we needed at least a little distance.
Like the painting I'd seen last night. A line was needed between her and me.
"That'd be kind of uncool, though. If some kid we don't know got stuck with one of us, it'd be rude to them, too."
"...R-Right?"
"We can just talk during breaks."
"...Yeah. You're right."
Seoyeon fidgeted with her fingers.
I knew that gesture. It was her signal that something was on her mind.
"Um, so, anyway, there's something I want to tell you... about last night—"
"Number eleven."
The teacher called Seoyeon's number.
"...Seriously. The timing, first thing in the morning......"
I let her grumbling go in one ear and out the other.
And so the lottery concluded, myself and Seoyeon included.
Fortunately, my new desk partner turned out to be someone other than Seoyeon.
No — was it really fortunate?
I'd dodged the worst, only to land on the second-worst.
My new partner smiled awkwardly and waved.
"Ahaha...... hi?"
The girl waving at me was Jihye — the one whose eyes I'd met last night.
"Hey."
I answered curtly.
Just looking at her felt like it would drag the memory back up.
Jihye, for her part, didn't try to talk to me again either.
The homeroom teacher spoke up.
"Since first period is my class anyway, let's get started right away."
I was following along in my textbook when a folded scrap of paper suddenly appeared in front of me.
An apology out of absolutely nowhere.
I glanced sideways at Jihye.
She shot me a shh and pressed her index finger to her lips.
Left with no choice, I tore off a scrap of my own and passed it back.
And with that, she finally went quiet.
I tried to focus on class again.
Honestly, I couldn't concentrate at all, but still.
Then another scrap of paper appeared.
I ignored it.
I ignored it.
I tried to ignore it, but this time a pale white hand shot out instead of a note.
Tap, tap.
She rapped the paper with her index finger.
I sighed and turned to look at her.
Somewhere in there, her eyes and mine happened to meet.
Even now, her pupils trembled the moment she looked at me.
She averted her gaze again and passed the paper over.
Well, Jihye was one of Seoyeon's close friends — of course Seoyeon would have confided in her.
Still, hearing it this bluntly, this fast... left my feelings a little tangled.
Before long, a twin-tailed strand of hair brushed lightly against her textbook.
Because Jihye was resting her chin in her hand, watching me.
But the moment our eyes met, her pupils would tremble all over again.
For someone who supposedly hated me, who was she calling a wall-builder?
Then again, it was partly my fault — I was the one who'd seen her secret back in middle school.
...And honestly, I was a little curious what she wanted to say to me anyway.
So in the end, I decided to play along.
During breaks, I deliberately avoided Seoyeon.
Seoyeon refused to give up and kept trying to hunt me down, but apparently even she couldn't breach the boys' bathroom.
And then, lunchtime.
Seoyeon came marching straight toward me.
BANG.
She slammed her palm down hard on my desk.
"Watson, are you avoiding me right now? Because I'd call that grounds for disqualification as my assistant."
"Seoyeon, I'm hungry."
Honestly, I hadn't wanted to face her today. I didn't even want to exchange words.
Every time I looked at her, the feelings left over inside me twitched and stirred.
And yet, I didn't want to treat her coldly, either.
"Sorry for dodging you. Truth is, I don't really know how to act around you right now. Our relationship just changed overnight, after all."
So I told her the truth, with just a small lie folded into it.
At that, the playful look dropped from Seoyeon's face.
She spoke with sudden, unusual gravity.
"Then can we talk about that? Honestly, I've wanted to since this morning."
"No. Give me some time to sort myself out first."
It might take quite a while.
Seven years was exactly that long.
"...Okay. But at least eat lunch with me. That much is fine, right?"
"Sorry about that too. I've got plans for after this."
"Huh? What plans?"
"A secret."
Seoyeon's brow furrowed. Her face said she couldn't compute it.
"......YOU'RE telling ME you have a secret?"
Come to think of it, there had never been any secrets between Seoyeon and me.
Partly because my life had never been built to produce them, and partly because if Seoyeon ever asked, I'd answer anything.
But that, too, was a product of my one-sided love.
Real friends, surely, had a secret or two between them.
"A secret you can't even tell me?"
So to this question, there was only one answer.
"Yeah."
Seoyeon stared at me for a long moment.
Then, slowly, she turned her head away.
"You've changed a little, you know."
My heart raced at that.
The reason I'd changed was you. You were the one who made me this way — for better or for worse. And how dare you—
But it settled again just as quickly.
"Guess it's puberty."
"What's that supposed to mean? I don't like it."
Lips pushed out in a pout, Seoyeon stomped off toward Jihye.
Jihye, wrapped up in Seoyeon's embrace, didn't spare me so much as a glance — just gestured at me with one hand.
It seemed to say:
You haven't forgotten our promise, have you?
Seeing her like that reminded me of middle school.
Of the day I saw her secret.
Frankly, I never understood why she felt the need to hide it, but she fought so desperately to shut my mouth back then that I never told anyone — not even Seoyeon.
Looking at it that way, I supposed I'd been carrying a secret of my own all along. So a life without secrets didn't exist after all.
And so, lunch eaten,
I headed for the back gate to meet Jihye.
There, in front of the gate, stood a twin-tailed girl and a boy tall as a lamppost.
"If a number's out of the question, can't you at least give me your Insta?"
"I'm reeeally sorry, senior. It's not that I don't like you or anything, it's just that my phone is broken."
"You could still hand over the number, couldn't you?"
"That's a really big no too... my parents are suuuuper strict... they'd completely flip if they found out I was talking to a boy......!"
"...Ha. Damn, you turn a guy down at a steep price, huh."
The boy drifted off before long.
Jihye kept that warm, friendly smile on her face until he was completely gone.
And the moment he'd vanished from sight—
"...I'm seriously gonna kill him."
The vulgar curse rolled off her tongue, clean and unhurried.
Foul language that couldn't have clashed harder with Jihye's image if it tried.
"Why's that fucked-up-looking bastard so damn persistent... oh."
Somewhere in there, her eyes met mine.
Her pupils trembled.
And that made twice now that I'd witnessed her secret.