Chapter 46
Chapter 46
It would be a lie to say Shin So-hee wasn't jealous.
She didn't know about the other two who stuck close to Sara, but she had a fairly clear understanding of her own orientation. She'd spent quite a while agonizing over it, but recently, she'd more or less found an answer to that struggle.
She'd concluded that rather than having those... sexual fantasies about every girl around her, it was better to fixate on one person.
...Yeah, she knew it was a stupid conclusion.
But she hadn't found any other way. And besides, the method actually proved incredibly useful.
For instance, when Shin So-hee had to change clothes during PE class.
Someone who was sexually attracted to women, not men, couldn't help letting her gaze drift toward her classmates. There were plenty of pretty girls in class. Some obviously had more pronounced figures than others their age. It would be strange if her eyes didn't wander.
When others passed in the hallway, she'd catch herself staring at the legs beneath their skirts. Sneaking glances at a girl with a pretty face, unconsciously imagining inappropriate things about someone who linked arms with her... If Shin So-hee had been a man, this wouldn't have happened. Her close friends wouldn't have been girls in the first place, and even if they were, they wouldn't casually link arms or change in the same space.
Guys her age might hear that and feel envious. But from her perspective, it was a profoundly uncomfortable situation.
The problem wasn't simply becoming sexually aroused. The real issue was the guilt that came with having those feelings about someone else.
Having sexual thoughts about someone is embarrassing for the person having them, too. It makes it hard to meet their eyes, and even natural, casual physical contact becomes awkward. Because of that, as time passed, Shin So-hee found it harder and harder to hide her orientation.
But in the middle of all that, she'd met Sara.
Her face was so beautiful you could hardly compare anyone else to her. She was on the thin side, but she had a delicate, elegant figure. Throw in the high-end school uniform she wore... well, did she really need to say more?
And their first meeting had been so shocking it couldn't be compared to the usual physical contact she had with her female friends.
So for Shin So-hee, Sara was an extremely convenient person to swap into her fantasies in place of anyone else. Plus, since she never saw her face-to-face except after school, there was no risk of the fantasies making things awkward. These days, whenever Shin So-hee caught herself having strange thoughts about her school friends, she quickly switched them out for Sara. It was still embarrassing to imagine such things right in front of her friends, but she could at least escape the guilt of having lewd thoughts about them specifically.
Of course, labeling Sara as a friend outside of school changed the discussion somewhat... This might sound a little weird, maybe even a form of self-rationalization, but oddly enough, when she fantasized about Sara, she hardly felt any guilt at all.
How to put it... There was no basis for it, but she had a feeling Sara could date a woman.
Seeing that article today only reinforced the thought. The fact that Sara was doing things that could be 'misunderstood as dating' without a care—didn't that, conversely, mean she had no reservations about appearing to be in a same-sex relationship?
Even now, just look at her sandwiched between those two beauties. If you're 'just close' friends and stick together that intensely, it naturally feels uncomfortable. Sure, you could do it as a joke for a moment, but to keep doing it was basically the same as advertising: 'I have that orientation.'
...And so, she was jealous.
When she thought that someone who could potentially date a girl was clinging every day to other girls who were also potential partners.
And that girl was also someone Shin So-hee viewed 'sexually'—another target for her mind to wander toward.
She didn't think this was clearly romantic love. Shin So-hee had just indulged her sexual fantasies on her own.
But even so, she couldn't help the deeply unsettled and unpleasant feeling that took root in a corner of her heart.
No, to be honest, it was a strange feeling far deeper than mere displeasure... something she couldn't put into words.
"So."
Shin So-hee, having heard the whole story, let out a small breath and spoke.
"You're saying you're being ostracized at school?"
At the word 'ostracized,' Sara's eyes went wide for a moment. She hesitated briefly before answering.
"I guess... so?"
"......."
Shin So-hee's mood sank even lower. Down in that sunken place was something dark and sticky. Having never felt such an emotion before, she couldn't quite put a name to it yet.
She chewed on the feeling for a while.
And gradually, she could begin to identify what it was.
Shin So-hee didn't consider herself an honest person. Ever since she was little, she'd liked to put on airs and act tough. She had a few followers at school and knew perfectly well she was popular with the boys. But she wasn't the type to flaunt all of it.
Inside, she felt sexual desire toward her friends while pretending to be easygoing. She'd casually show off to them by acting like one of the guys. She tried to be called cool instead of pretty.
But no matter what, you can't fool yourself. Even if you're wrestling with your identity and don't know what to do, you can't deny your emotions when they appear so clearly.
You could call it a kind of possessiveness.
It surprised her a little, feeling something like that. It had barely been a week since she'd met this girl.
Why on earth?
Well, probably—
Because her face is pretty, and her height, a little shorter than mine, makes her look like she'd be nice to hold. Because she'd look good in anything, so a lot of outfits I'd want to put her in come to mind. Because her body is oddly soft when it brushes against mine despite her being so thin. Because she looks cold but acts like such a klutz. Because the feeling of her cheek against my chest earlier is hard to forget. Because our first meeting was so intense—
No, screw all that. Let's just be honest.
It was just because she was pretty.
That first face she saw was so pretty it was hard to forget, so pretty. Exactly her type.
That's why she kept having all those other fantasies, wasn't it?
That's why she'd thought about how nice it would be to go out with a girl like that, wasn't it?
"So?"
Shin So-hee asked.
"What did you do at school?"
"At school?"
Sara echoed blankly before her face slowly turned red.
Seeing that, Shin So-hee could roughly guess what had happened.
"What, did you kiss her right in front of everyone?"
"No, that's not, it wasn't...."
It wasn't a kiss, but she'd done something that could make someone's face turn bright red. And not just one person, but something that could make both of the people clinging to her blush.
Yu Ha-neul was even outright avoiding her eyes.
Shin So-hee narrowed her eyes.
Let's see. If it wasn't a kiss, what kind of act could make someone that embarrassed? A hug? Just linking arms wouldn't turn someone's face that red. In that article photo from earlier, Sara hadn't blushed even while Ha-neul was blatantly hanging off her arm.
Besides, the three of them had been confidently linking arms this whole time. There'd be no reason to blush over that now.
"By the way, you three have been arm-in-arm since earlier. Is that part of this 'plan' or whatever it is?"
"Ah, that's—"
"This is just between close friends—"
Yu Ha-neul and Sara spoke at the same time. They seemed to be saying different things.
"Between friends...?"
Shin So-hee directed her question at Sara.
"I mean, between close friends, linking arms is...."
Right.
Close friends do link arms.
But linking arms and clinging to someone's arm while hanging off it are two completely different actions.
Sara didn't seem to distinguish between the two.
Well, maybe she couldn't. Listening to her story, she seemed to have genuinely lived cut off from the world for a long time. She might not know much about appropriate distance between friends.
However—
Shin So-hee once again looked at the two people hanging off both sides of Sara. When their eyes met, they both averted their gazes as if uncomfortable. As if they knew exactly what Shin So-hee was thinking.
"Huh."
Really, how sly.
These two at least knew exactly what that distance meant.
But they were just using that 'plan' Sara was executing and Sara's own ignorance of her situation as an excuse to act that way.
...So there's another person like me in the world.
Make that two.
Well, she supposed it was true that 'really' close friends sometimes reached a level that was hard to distinguish from lovers. There were always those pairs who got teased about dating, denied it, but stuck together constantly anyway.
Since Shin So-hee didn't even go to the same school, she had no way to know if this was born from genuine romantic interest or just possessiveness as a friend.
But it was unpleasant.
She'd been feeling that emotion ever since a little while ago.
She'd been holding it all in this whole time, and here were these two kids openly displaying those feelings. Toward the very person Shin So-hee harbored that sort of feeling for.
"Really? So that's how it is?"
Shin So-hee picked up the fork no one had touched until now and speared a piece of tiramisu from the plate. The small pre-cut piece lifted, sending a light dusting of cocoa powder falling.
She put it straight into her mouth. The characteristic dryness and sweetness of the cocoa, along with the bitterness, were crushed and enveloped by the soft cake. The smooth dessert melted and blended well on her tongue.
She used the same fork to pick up a new piece of tiramisu. Then,
"I want to help with the plan too."
She spoke and extended the fork toward Sara.
"Huh?"
"I mean, I want to join the plan, like those two. Weren't you saying you were going to break that iron cage around you?"
She pushed the fork a little closer to Sara. A bit of cocoa powder fell from the tiramisu piece.
"Wouldn't it be easier with someone on the outside helping to smash it?"
When the tiramisu got close enough to prod at her lips, Ye Sa-ra had no choice but to accept it with her mouth. Both her hands were being held, after all.
And only then did the two who had been blankly staring at the scene snap out of it with a simultaneous "Ah!"
But it was already too late.
Because Shin So-hee brought the fork back and popped the next piece into her own mouth.
"Well?"
Finally feeling a little satisfied, Shin So-hee leaned back in her chair and asked.
"Are you going to let me in or not? If not, I'm going home."
She even slipped in a subtle threat. Though after she said it, her heart raced a little at the thought of them actually telling her to go home.
"Uh, well...."
Ye Sa-ra looked a little flustered, her eyes darting around. When she kept her mouth shut, she gave off a definite cold-beauty impression, but every time Shin So-hee saw her act like this, she was oddly reminded of a restless puppy.
"......Okay, fine."
Sara nodded as she said it.
If Shin So-hee had been on the phone with Sara in her room, she would have jumped up without realizing it.
Here, of course, she held it in.