Chapter 154
Chapter 154
The story Su-a told me was staggering.
Terrified of being rejected again and again, Su-a chose to confront people head-on instead.
She kept striking up conversations, making an effort to be noticed, showing them she wanted to be friends.
She'd figure out what the other person liked, then play to her own strengths as much as possible.
After hurling herself into that clash again and again, Su-a became one of the popular kids at school. Enough that she usually had at least a friend or two in every class, and climbing a grade didn't leave her worrying about starting over alone.
"But what made you talk to me that day?"
None of it came free. She'd gone to the people who shunned her, thrown herself at them whether she liked them or not, and fought to build a connection.
The effort couldn't have been short, and it was never easy.
Thinking about how I thrashed around for a bit before giving up made that even clearer.
"...I don't know. It just felt like I had to."
Su-a sat on the bed hugging her knees. For some reason, the sight was achingly sad.
"Felt like you had to?"
I tilted my head.
"...."
Su-a was silent for a moment, then finally spoke.
"When you were completely isolated, I was the one surrounded by friends."
"...."
"I knew, too. I knew other people were ignoring you. That you were being ostracized. I mean, I was at the center of it."
Su-a didn't lead the situation.
But, strictly speaking, she'd stood by and let it happen. Her words could be taken that way.
Su-a's voice trembled as she kept talking.
"I didn't really think about it at all. I was told that if anyone talked to you, scary things would happen, that it was safer to keep away, so I just never said a word. I was afraid that if I got close to you, I'd lose everyone else, that every relationship I'd built would shatter."
A reasonable assumption.
Even if the rumor about my mother doing insane things to anyone near me was false, the moment Su-a actually spoke to me and we grew friendly, she really did lose all her friends overnight.
"So, was it guilt?"
When I asked, Su-a shut her mouth for a second, then nodded.
"And... you might not be able to forgive me for saying this."
After that, Su-a went silent for a long time.
I waited stubbornly. Finally, she opened her mouth, her voice a little ragged.
"I think I admired you."
"Admired?"
That was the most baffling thing Su-a had said all night.
Admired? Admiration? She could look at my circumstances and still think that?
But at the same time, I found it compelling.
Truthfully, I'd reached a point where I didn't much care about my surroundings anymore. Since nobody ever answered when I tried to talk to them, I simply chose to ignore them in turn.
That became a sort of unspoken rule, and an invisible wall rose between me and the kids who sat near me.
I don't think well of them. Honestly, I dislike them. They're the ones who made my situation what it was.
But for the past me, the most important thing was always my relationship with Mother.
The reason I stayed alive at all was because I wanted to see Mother, and the reason I eventually resolved to die was to draw the attention of Mother—the sole witness who proved I was connected to the world.
And Su-a said that, watching me, she'd felt admiration. I was a little curious what exactly that feeling was.
She must have thought my question meant I was angry. After an even longer silence than before, Su-a spoke slowly.
"Because even while people harassed you like that, you were always so composed."
Not composed. I just didn't care.
"And that day, too, you didn't refuse what I said—"
I took a picture with Su-a.
Right. If I'd been my usual self—the me from back then.
The me who hadn't chosen death, or who'd failed at dying.
I probably wouldn't have done that for her.
I would've just ignored her and walked past, the way I always did. Because the person named Lee Su-a meant nothing to me.
Just like I meant nothing to everyone else.
"But that me back then wasn't really me."
I murmured it quietly.
"...."
Su-a nodded without a word.
"I thought you were suffering because of other people, but you bore it like it was nothing. Unlike me—I did anything I could to run away."
She was wrong.
I never bore it. I just tried to act like it didn't bother me.
And in the end, I couldn't even bear it properly. I died, after all.
...No.
Even that was a failure. Thanks to someone.
Right now, I'm grateful.
"...I'm sorry."
"...."
I understood that this apology was one I had every right to receive.
Intellectually, I got it, just like Yang Hye-in's apology. Honestly, considering how Su-a had treated me, accepting her apology with the same level of coolness I showed Yang Hye-in would probably be the right move.
To let the other person feel utterly unrewarded for apologizing.
That was my own little brand of revenge.
But, strangely, I didn't want to do that.
Not that I wanted to accept the apology.
Rather, I didn't want to accept it.
...But it didn't feel like that was because I hated Su-a, either.
Maybe it just didn't settle heavily in my chest because, until now, Su-a hadn't even realized she'd done something wrong.
I'm aware. I know this is a biased judgment.
Yang Hye-in, in her own way, tried to help me. She apologized first, too. I felt something genuine in that apology.
And yet, strangely, I simply didn't feel like putting Su-a and Yang Hye-in in the same category.
"...."
Why was that?
"...Wait."
Before I knew it, Su-a was shifting her posture. If my guess was right, she was about to get down on her knees.
...But, for some reason, I didn't like that.
The feeling didn't come from reason.
"...Mmm."
I agonized for a long while, then let out a heavy sigh.
I don't know.
Maybe it's that person's influence.
I looked at Su-a's face again.
That brilliant light was still shining from it.
Not as bright as Ha-neul, but still, she was one of the people who could change my life.
...And this was probably that person's judgment.
If so, all I can do is trust it.
"The apology can come later."
But I couldn't just let it go, say "I forgive you," and move on, either.
...Because that person's judgment also told me I shouldn't simply let a situation like this slide.
"...Okay."
Su-a just nodded at my words.
*
Is it okay to wander around someone else's house in the middle of the night?
...Well, it depends on the situation.
The reason I quietly opened my eyes in the dead of night was simply because I was thirsty.
Normally I'd call for a maid, but the woman who worked here was older. The place I used to live had older servants too, but isn't there a world of difference between strangers and the people who ruined my life?
Besides, she wasn't my personal servant. Su-a's parents hired her.
So I silently started to lift myself out of bed—
and realized Su-a was clinging tightly to my right arm.
Su-a's warm body was plastered right against it, so my arm was damp with sweat even though the night wasn't that hot.
"...."
Well, this is a daily occurrence anyway.
Slowly, as carefully as I could, I pulled my arm free without waking Su-a. It took quite a while, but I didn't really mind. If I'm sleepy tomorrow, I can just doze off at school.
...And one of the plans I've been drafting in my head involves not going to school at all.
Of course, that's way too extreme. At the very least, that person, who wants me to live "normally", would be against it.
"Oh."
Right.
I'd been telling them about everything that's happened lately, since they asked how I've been living.
I recall that moment—a dream, yet not a dream.
That person who waits for me in my room every night.
Whenever I go to bed, it's thanks to them that I feel like I've "come back."
...When I open my eyes, though, they're no longer visible.
Should I just try opening my heart, just a little?
Even when I consider it, I'm too scared of how they'd react if they saw the ugly thoughts I normally carry, so I never dare go through with it.
They're that kind of a person. What if they saw my dark, murky desires and grew sick of me? I'm always fretting over that.
I got up from the bed. This bed, easily comparable to the one I sleep in, didn't make a single sound.
Feeling my way through the darkness, I stepped slowly out toward the living room.
Thankfully, the moon was bright enough that I could see the empty room.
I kept walking toward the kitchen—
and froze when I saw the light leaking out of it.
The kitchen lights weren't on.
Probably, the refrigerator door was open, and light was spilling out from inside.
"...."
If I keep going, is running into whoever's there really a good thing?
While I stood there hesitating,
"...Su-a, is that you?"
I heard a deep, heavy man's voice.
...It was Su-a's father.
I thought about it for a second, then decided to just keep walking toward him.