42. We went to the carnival (4)
42. We went to the carnival (4)
"If you don't mind, would you like to stay on until closing time?"
"Huh?"
Baek-seol paused and asked back at the sudden suggestion from the guide who had been leading So-jeong and her in front of the Ferris wheel.
"Closing time isn't far off, and we have to keep operating until then anyway. If no one else comes to ride separately, you can stay on as long as you like."
"Ah......Then please do that."
"Somehow we ended up with a private ride."
"Yeah."
Baek-seol sat opposite So-jeong and turned her eyes to the window where she could see the outside scenery.
Woo-woong-
The Ferris wheel began to move slowly with a deep, heavy mechanical sound.
The view outside the window was breathtaking. The gradually lengthening early summer sun was also tilting its momentum, dyeing the world with its red light one last time.
The amusement park, which had been bustling with people and full of vitality just hours before, was now sparsely populated, and as the rides became part of the static landscape, the world that had felt detached from reality left an aftertaste as if announcing the end of a sweet dream along with the sunset.
"It's beautiful......"
So-jeong, who had been looking outside following Baek-seol's gaze, spoke as she watched the trees, stone pavement, and amusement rides being bathed in the sunset glow.
Baek-seol was watching So-jeong.
Who should speak first?
So-jeong had said she had something to tell her, and Baek-seol also had something she needed to tell So-jeong.
But did they really have to say it?
In this amusement park detached from reality, in this moment where the boundary between day and night was breaking in the twilight.
If only they could just stay like this together......
Still, she decided not to run away. She had made that decision.
"It would be really nice if this beautiful time could last forever."
As if having the same thought as Baek-seol, So-jeong also said that and turned her head toward Baek-seol.
"That's strange. I was thinking the same thing."
"Ahaha, really?"
So-jeong leaned against the window and gazed intently at Baek-seol.
"......Baek-seol. Have I become a little more like you?"
"Like me?"
"Yeah."
"I don't think there's anything good about becoming like me."
"You always put yourself down like that, Baek-seol."
"......I was just stating facts."
"That's not true. Because you're the coolest and most beautiful person among all the people I've met."
Baek-seol wasn't used to such honest praise directed at herself.
That's because you haven't met many people yet, So-jeong. If you make more friends and meet more people who properly appreciate your charm, your thoughts will change.
Just as she was about to voice her usual thoughts, So-jeong spoke first.
"You know what, Baek-seol? Actually, I've always wanted to be like you.
"From the day you first reached out your hand to me......I've always wanted to be like you.
"Cool like you, confident like you, strong enough to not lose to anyone...I wanted to become that kind of person. So......from that day on, I was always watching you."
So-jeong scratched her cheek and gave an awkward smile.
"Ehehe, but even after all these years, you're still cool, still beautiful. To an extent I could never catch up to. Far from catching up......in my eyes, you just kept growing bigger, Baek-seol."
For some reason, Baek-seol couldn't tear her eyes away from So-jeong's direct gaze.
What was So-jeong trying to say? Baek-seol's heart began to beat faster with anticipation and tension.
"At first, I thought this feeling was just admiration toward you. Because in those difficult moments when I couldn't pull myself out, you saved me so effortlessly.
And later, I thought this feeling was the friendship between first friends. Because being with you was fun, and when you were by my side, bad thoughts didn't come to mind.
"But......after what happened to me recently, I started to think that the feelings I have for you might not be simple admiration.
"Every time you held my hand, every time you worried about me asking if I was okay, every time your usually cold expression suddenly softened into a gentle smile......my heart was filled with you. No, maybe I just became aware that my heart was already filled with you."
So-jeong's eyes shone with the fading sunset light.
"Baek-seol."
So-jeong said.
"I......think I like you."
In this fantastical space, in this fantastical time.
So-jeong's confession came through with striking clarity.
"Not just as a friend, but in a deeper meaning than that......I like you."
"......"
Baek-seol couldn't say anything. She had no idea what to say.
Her head seemed to have stopped working, but her heart was racing like the roller coaster they had ridden together.
So-jeong seemed to interpret Baek-seol's silence differently and bowed her head slightly, continuing in a small voice.
"It, it's weird, right? Between girls, and especially after I, I got that thing...me saying this. But......"
So-jeong unconsciously felt something welling up in her chest.
She thought it was strange. It wasn't sadness, it wasn't resentment, and it wasn't that she didn't know Baek-seol might react negatively.
Tears sometimes flowed out on their own, as if malfunctioning.
"But,"
So-jeong forced herself to swallow her tears and continued.
"I really wanted to tell you. I didn't want to hide it. Because you've always been by my side and helped me, you're such a good person...I'm sorry. I'm sorry for saying this......"
"No."
Baek-seol's voice was desperate, as if squeezed from parched earth.
"Baek-seol......?"
"Why are you apologizing."
Baek-seol said through gritted teeth.
"Why are you making such a pained expression, why are you the one saying it first......"
Baek-seol's eyes looking at So-jeong contained a mixture of anger at herself and regret toward So-jeong.
"So-jeong, I'm not as kind or as strong as you think I am.
"Because helping you, being by your side...I didn't do it with pure intentions. And I didn't have the courage to tell you that.
"Because......!"
Baek-seol clutched her chest and forced out the words. The words she hadn't been able to say for so long seemed to have hardened in her heart, refusing to come out easily.
"Because......since that day on the rainy bridge four years ago when you saved me, I've liked you, So-jeong."
So-jeong's teary eyes widened.
Her confused gaze seemed to ask if it was Baek-seol who was on the bridge that day, what did she mean by liking her, but Baek-seol just continued speaking.
If she stopped the words she had started, she felt she would never be able to continue again.
"When I hated living the life my father had set for me so much that I wanted to give up everything...that's when you saved me, So-jeong.
"Did you know you were walking alone with disheveled clothes and no umbrella? You obviously looked like you'd been beaten up by someone......and yet you begged me not to die, asked if I would just listen to your story...and cried for me as if it were your own problem. I didn't even know how to cry for myself."
Why were tears trying to come out so foolishly? Clearly, trying to force out the words had dragged out tears along with them.
"When I saw you at the school I transferred to, I thought I could repay the debt of my life to you.
"I thought I could be by the side of the first person I came to like in this world.
"I thought I could become like...you, who first showed me warmth."
"Baek-seol......"
"So don't think I'm kind, don't think I'm strong. I did it just for myself, for my own feelings. And I'm just a coward who was too scared to confess that to you......"
Baek-seol could feel So-jeong's gaze on her, but she couldn't look up at her.
She had imagined revealing this true feeling many times, but she looked more pathetic and shabby than she had thought she would.
"I'm really happy that you said you...like me, So-jeong, but I'm absolutely not someone worthy of your......"
"Baek-seol."
So-jeong, who had gotten up from her seat and approached Baek-seol, cupped Baek-seol's cheeks with her hands and gently lifted her head.
Led by So-jeong's touch, Baek-seol looked up at her and saw So-jeong frowning deeply and glaring at her.
It was the first time she had seen So-jeong with an angry expression.
"Baek-seol."
So-jeong said again in a serious voice.
"Do you think I'm so weak that I can't properly evaluate the people around me?"
"Th-that's not......"
"Baek-seol. If you're by my side because of that 'debt,' were you planning to leave me after repaying it?"
"......"
"Then did you think I would immediately forget you and live happily with other people?"
"I just thought if you were with better people than me......"
"But I like you."
So-jeong's words were calm but clear.
"You're the one who saved me when I was being bullied at school, you're the one who made a sad expression for me when even my parents treated me like someone who shouldn't exist in this world."
The warmth from So-jeong's fingers gently stroking Baek-seol's cheeks seemed to reach straight to Baek-seol's heart.
"I might meet better people if I live as you say. Like Ha-na. But you know,"
"You're the only person I want to get closer to beyond friendship, Baek-seol."
So-jeong bent her knees to match Baek-seol's eye level.
"......In the end, we both wanted to become like each other."
Baek-seol could only gaze helplessly into So-jeong's eyes.
Could it really be accepted this easily, this simply.
The thought occurred to her momentarily, but the warmth transmitted through her cheeks was too warm for such thoughts to take root.
The Ferris wheel, which had gone around who knows how many times, was once again taking So-jeong and Baek-seol to the highest point, beyond the setting sun.
"......I could barely endure for a few weeks after realizing these feelings, but you've been holding onto them for years."
As the distance between them closed, So-jeong's voice was now closer to a whisper.
"I'm sorry for not realizing it sooner, Baek-seol. For making it hard for you all this time."
"You have nothing to apologize for."
"And Baek-seol, you too. You are plenty good enough. It's not exactly in return for making you wait but......can I say this first?"
So-jeong took a breath as if steadying herself and spoke in a slightly trembling voice.
"......Will you go out with me?"
Baek-seol's field of vision was filled only with So-jeong's face. So-jeong, who filled her entire world, made the dark voice in a corner of her heart - the voice that made her doubt whether she deserved such happiness - no longer audible.
Everything was okay.
Because So-jeong was looking at her and smiling.
***
By the time they emerged from the amusement park and stood on the road again, the sun had completely set beyond the ridge.
Looking at the surrounding scenery covered in quiet night, Baek-seol remembered when she first came here with So-jeong.
That first trip of theirs that had begun so suddenly like a dream had ended like a dream with closing time.
As a student who couldn't do anything more, Baek-seol had to send So-jeong back home that day, back to where no one wanted her.
What about today.
The hands holding each other felt strangely new and unfamiliar.
"Baek-seol."
So-jeong called Baek-seol.
"Yeah."
Baek-seol turned to look at So-jeong.
So-jeong was looking up at her, and the first starlight was shining faintly in her eyes.
"Today......let's not go home."