The Weight of Regret
“I’ll never call you that again...” She lay there, regretting her words, then sat up, only to regret them even more. She thought about taking a sleeping pill, but even as her body trembled, the memories of him kept surfacing. She didn’t want to forget them, so she replayed them over and over in her mind.
The memory of her begging to ride the Viking at the amusement park, and him, terrified, gripping her hand tightly with his eyes squeezed shut. The way he’d whispered that he loved her after their first time together, only to fall asleep, exhausted. The way she’d wake up in the morning, find him fast asleep, think he looked too cute, steal a kiss, and then run away to the shower. She remembered her past self bursting into laughter when they traveled abroad; even when they were lost, he’d hold her tight with that desperate, determined expression, promising to bring her back to Korea safely no matter what.
‘I can’t live like this. I just can’t.’
Twenty-nine, almost thirty. By her calculations, she’d known him for nearly ten years. Half of that as a sister and brother, the other half as lovers and husband and wife. And yet, she had discarded the man who had consumed half—no, her entire life—with such cruel words, as if throwing away trash, even though he had done nothing wrong.
Around that time, her parents, having learned that their daughter was divorced and living alone, came to visit. She emerged slowly, looking hollow, and opened the door.
“Ji, Jia. What is this...”
It was a small, simple place with one room, one living room, one bathroom, and a kitchen. It had been fine for living alone. She brought her parents into the living room and served them each a glass of cold water. Seeing her trembling legs as she walked with the cups, her parents knew for certain something was wrong, and they seized the moment to start questioning her.
“Did that boy hit you? Did you have a fight?”
They were asking, hoping to finally hear the reason for the divorce, but she couldn’t say a word. How could she possibly say, ‘I have an interest in SM play, and I wanted to torment Suhyun and make him beg for me. So I threw out the word "divorce," thinking he’d cling to me and promise to do anything I wanted. Then I’d tie Suhyun up, cover his eyes, and torment him... and enjoy it. I thought it would all work out, but he just said "let’s divorce" right away, and that’s how we ended up here.’
She couldn’t say that. But under her father’s relentless, terrifying interrogation, she had to say something.
“If you won’t talk, I have no choice but to go find him myself. I at least need to hear from the man who turned my daughter into a divorcee.”
“...Father, that...”
“Enough. I’ll ask him myself, so you stay here with your mother.”
“N-no, Father, that’s actually...”
So she decided to summarize and downplay it as much as possible. She claimed it was because of their marital life. She laid the groundwork by saying her ex-husband insisted on doing it three times a day, and she was so exhausted by it that she was the one who suggested the divorce first.
“So you’re saying he was coercive?”
“N-no, that’s... Father, that...”
“Tell me exactly. Did he force you?”
“No, actually...”
“Don’t push her so hard. Jia, tell us slowly. It’s okay.”
In the end, she told the truth. She couldn’t say "SM," so she just said she wanted to torment him in "that way," but it wasn’t working, and since her husband didn’t seem like the type to do such things, she tried to change the power dynamic by divorcing him. But that didn’t work, and she had intended to tell him not to divorce, but the timing was off, and it ended up like this—she was just about to explain that she hadn’t found the right moment to speak when her father, for the first time in twenty-nine years, struck her.
“...Ah, Dad...”
“...! Dear! What are you doing right now? Even so...!”
“You, you... do you even know... what you’ve done...?”
“I’m sorry... I, I...”
“Is that how I raised you? To do something like this, and only now tell us, you idiot... I raised you as my daughter, and how could you do something so inhuman...”
Her father’s nostrils flared as he clenched his fists tightly. Her mother was so shocked she couldn’t even stop him, her hands just hovering in the air. Her father had been an upright judge for thirty-five years before retiring. He never lost his composure in any situation, and it was the same at home. Even when his wife broke a bonsai tree he cherished while cleaning, he would simply ask her to be more careful in the future, then fix it by replanting it in another pot, resolving the issue without raising his voice. When his daughter failed her midterms, he would say,
“You promised Dad you’d work hard from now on, right? If you’re my daughter, you can keep your promises, can’t you?”
“Yes...”
“Good. That’s enough. Let’s just try hard now. Dad isn’t angry. You can be bad at studying. But Dad will dislike someone who doesn’t try and just plays around.”
That was the father who had just lost control of his anger and slapped his daughter. Yet, his rage didn’t seem to subside. And it was no wonder; this marriage shouldn’t have started in the first place. No matter how close his daughter was to the only son of a conglomerate family, they couldn’t have married just on feelings. There was a gap between the families. Yet, his daughter, whom he had raised with such care, had told her father to go away when he tried to stop her, saying she would handle her own affairs, and she seduced him. Soon after, his father had approached her father first.
“We can’t stop them if the kids like each other, can we?”
“Even so, our family is lacking in many ways. Hmm.”
“Is money important? If need be, I’ll set aside half of my assets...”
“That’s not what I meant by money, er...”
“I am younger and not very smart, so I will serve you well, In-law.”
Not only had his daughter begged to marry into another house, she had even seduced their son. On top of that, the richest conglomerate chairman in Korea had knelt at a traditional Korean restaurant, saying he wouldn’t oppose the marriage and would even push for it because he would serve his in-laws well. It had been the most burdensome moment of his life. That was how the marriage came to be, and his own daughter had thrown it away as easily as breaking a glass cup. It wasn’t about the money. If his father even contacted him to meet for a moment, her father would have been ready to run barefoot and kneel, banging his forehead on the floor. And if his father were to get angry, he would have had to take it all. He felt he deserved the punishment for living with a stupid daughter.
“Dad... I, I’ll talk to Suhyun again...”
“Don’t even call me Dad. You, you! You are the shame of this family. You are my embarrassment. You, you...”
Her mother tried to calm him down, but he declared he had no intention of ever seeing that girl again and stormed out, slamming the front door behind him.
“Mom... I’ll talk to him well and try again... I didn’t think divorce was the right answer, either...”
“...”
Now it was her mother’s turn to speak. Jia hoped for some understanding from her mother, who had been trying to stop her father, thinking that a mother would understand her daughter no matter what.
“Mom, I really made a mistake...”
“Seo Jia.”
“...Yes?”
“Go and beg.”
Her expression was cold and merciless. The benevolent motherly look was nowhere to be found. Was it because the conglomerate marriage connection was gone? Her parents weren’t the type to only care about money. Her father valued honor, and her mother valued etiquette and face. Raised upright under them, she was reminded of a childhood she had briefly forgotten. The past, where if she, at eight years old, made even a slip of the tongue outside, she would be scolded the moment the front door closed. And then,
“...Mom...”
“Don’t even dream of remarriage. Go and beg until your hands become your feet. Because of your stupid thoughts, someone else’s son has become a divorcee. Aren’t you even sorry?”
“...”
She said she would meet him after taking some time, but her mother said,
“Without delay, right now. Go right now and beg. Beg for forgiveness, say you’re sorry. Have you ever seen your father that angry? Do you know how your father feels right now?”
“...”
“Eat something first. Get yourself together before you go to apologize. Look at you—you’re the one who asked for the divorce, and look at the state you’re in.”
— So, right now, —
— Are you... sleeping? —
“Did I see that wrong?”
“Why? Did you hit the jackpot on overseas stocks? Did you put money into what I told you to? Is your father-in-law firing you?”
“No, what kind of...”
Firing, my foot. The problem was that someone who shouldn’t be contacting him was contacting him. When he showed them his phone, one of his friends, who had been playing DCS World, immediately took his hands off the steering wheel and stared intently at the phone.
“Why, why is she calling? Why is she asking if you’re sleeping? What if you aren’t?”
“Stop making such a fuss.”
“Just don’t reply and stay still. If there’s no answer, she might send another message. Let’s see what that says.”
The friend who mentioned overseas stocks was a fund manager at a securities firm. A high school friend. The next friend making a fuss was a drama actor. His father managed a company, so he was close with Suhyun’s father, and that’s how they became friends. Then there was another high school friend—this one, who suggested how to deal with the situation in a calm tone, was an investigator who had graduated from the Police University and was now a lieutenant.
— Can I call you? —
“Why is she calling! Why! Tell her to ask right NOW!”
“Ah... I’m troubled, you stay quiet.”
“What could she be trying to say?”
His friends were gathered around, and the friend from the Police University stared at the phone from the side, lost in thought.
“It’s one of two things. Either she’s contacting you out of longing because she regrets it, or there’s something urgent she needs to convey. For instance, she needs money.”
“Seo Jia makes good money. She wasn’t the type to ask for things.”
“Then it must be the former.”
Now, the important part was whether to reply to this contact or not. And if he did, how he should do it.
“Just call her yourself. Don’t even reply, just call her immediately. How about going in with no regrets?”
“If she starts talking about money, just scream at her to hang up right away!”
“Calm down, Suhyun. Just flip your phone over and talk about it tomorrow. You’re troubled right now.”