I'm Fine
"Hmm. Son. That..."
After the meal was finished, we shared a brief conversation before heading off to get some rest. We had been assigned rooms and were meant to sit there for a while, as there was a scheduled time later for everyone to gather for a group photo and receive instructions regarding the prize money and other courtesies afforded to the award recipients.
While resting, I decided to step outside for a moment to buy a drink, and Eunbyul walked along with me. As we did, I spotted my father standing by the window near the lobby stairs, gazing out at the distant Deoksugung Palace. I gave him a slight nod and tried to pass by.
"You received the award."
"Ah, yes."
"Hmm... Right. That..."
Eunbyul stood a step behind us, listening to our conversation in a whisper, her expression suggesting she was wondering if all father-son relationships were this awkward and desolate. My father hesitated, staring only at his own feet, while I, too, found myself looking out the window or turning my head toward where Eunbyul stood.
"Well... that, you did well. Hmm. Right."
"...Thank you."
"Right. Doing well is doing well. That... this father of yours, I mean. It’s not that I’m stingy with praise or anything."
"Ah... yes."
You certainly seem like it, though. Why are you acting like this all of a sudden?
My father moved his lips, as if he had something to say but was holding it back, thinking, ruminating, and rewriting the words in his head. Finally, he let out a deep sigh, turned his back to me, and looked out the window again.
"I didn't think of you as a child."
Is he doing this because of that rambling speech?
"That’s why I had such high expectations of you. I wanted you to handle everything with careful deliberation just like I do, and... I thought you would be able to handle anything well. It’s not just because you’re my son. I thought you were a fully grown adult."
"The oil... right, that oil incident comes to mind. I thought a lot while listening to what you said. Looking back, I think I said things I shouldn't have. ...I didn't offer you any comfort. In a way, it was your first failure... You must have been in so much pain, stumbling for the first time after walking so well, but I don't think I was there for you..."
Why is he doing this, all of a sudden? No, did that speech really have this much of an impact?
"As I said, I thought you were a grown adult who didn't need comfort or encouragement... So, rather than comforting you in that difficult moment, I tried to help you so you wouldn't experience that failure again. I didn't do it, but... whether I say this now or said it back then, it would all sound like my excuses."
"...Because you were a grown adult, I thought you would overcome such a failure quickly. Working on your own to pay back the creditors, selling off some of your shares. It was a good experience. Right. That’s what I hoped for. ...Thinking about it again, I think I made the wrong judgment."
My father recalled the past. In a situation where his son's failure was almost certain, he hadn't judged everything rationally and based on facts. He had simply expected his son to handle it on his own. He had hoped he would make his own decisions to sell the business and, since it was a matter of credit, offer appropriate compensation to creditors and investors to soothe them.
Even if my father hadn't specifically told him to do so, he had handled it on his own and finished it well. That was the reason my father was regretting it now.
"You brat, what were you thinking when you started this work...!?"
"Do you think society will accept such an excuse for your mistake?"
"It’s because you’re lacking, so don't blame others. Whether you go bankrupt or sell it off, do as you please."
My father had said those things, expecting his son to be shocked, to snap to his senses, and to handle the failed GPL appropriately. The reason he had spoken that way was, as he mentioned earlier, because he had seen me as a "grown adult." But now he realized that it was an absurdity, a wrong action, and a contradictory statement.
"Even though I thought of you as a grown adult, I still tried to teach you."
"..."
"That’s why I scolded you. I realize it only now. That this makes no sense... If I had truly thought my son was all grown up, I should have watched over him until he solved the problem well, and watched again. I should have kept waiting... I couldn't do that. I... looking back now, I think my own disposition was quite nasty."
"Eh... ...No, it’s not."
"I wonder if I gave you a scar by saying such harsh things as a form of shock therapy. Now that I think about it, shouldn't I have just paid off all that money for you...?"
My father continued to speak even though I told him I was fine. Taking advantage of a pause in his words, I turned around and saw that Eunbyul had climbed a few stairs higher and was looking down at us. And then,
"...No. That was a good experience for me, too. Father. It’s all in the past. I..."
"I thought it was all in the past, too."
My father, who had turned around, wore an even more depressed expression. Now, as time passed, he spoke slowly with his head bowed low, as if looking at his own feet.
"I... thought that was all in the past..."
"..."
"Losing a few hundred billion won in our family doesn't even count as an accident. Right. Thinking that it was all over, that losing money was nothing... I think that’s why I was wrong..."
"I’ve lost tens of trillions of won while running a business, and I’ve had to issue recalls because I made something wrong... I’ve had many such experiences. Right. So I became too numb. I assumed you would be the same. But that wasn't it... No, ...."
"It wasn't."
My father slowly lifted his head again. He wasn't making eye contact with his son. Various emotions could be felt in his expression. Sadness, agony, regret, lingering attachment. It was a complex sight.
"I didn't think you would remember what happened back then and still feel the pain. I thought you would shake it off quickly. Today is the first time I’ve seen you harboring guilt toward yourself... You’re my son, yet I didn't know."
"I couldn't understand why you weren't focusing on work after that incident. I was the fool for only knowing now... I’m twice your age, so I’ve experienced countless failures and am sitting in this position... but I assumed you would be the same. I took it for granted. So I couldn't understand at all why you had changed. I only thought about whether you didn't want to inherit the company, whether you found the work boring, or whether you had other intentions, but I was wrong."
Watching their son say that it was hard to watch the news, his father and mother felt their hearts breaking. On this, the best day, when their son—their only flesh and blood—was receiving an award, it was more painful than death to have to watch him talk about his past while holding back tears.
When my father realized that the guilt my son held—the burden of a heart he hadn't even considered—was that great, seeing him say he would continue to do good things for the people in the future, he could no longer continue speaking.
And around that time, Eunbyul’s words came to mind.
- "Will this speech be effective? People might just think you're a moron, a silver-spoon kid..."
- "What are you talking about? Don't worry about such strange things, think about this instead."
- "What is it?"
Eunbyul had decided to help me prepare countermeasures for what might happen after this speech.
"Like you said, Director, people don't know what you're thinking or what kind of feelings you live with day by day."
"It might just be something I said while caught up in emotion. People might already know everything..."
"No, I wondered why you were acting like that when I saw you sitting on the stairs, too. I think you're right."
"Anyway, so why that?"
Why bring up old stories all of a sudden?
"Now that you've opened yourself up, people will see you in a new light. At the very least, they'll think, 'That's unexpected,' or 'He had a hard time'... If they go a bit further, they might even think, 'He must have wanted to die'..."
"..."
"And the more they think that, the more they'll consider you amazing. Celebrities and singers return to the public eye just a few months after causing a scandal. A year at the latest? But you, for that long time, have almost been in self-reflection, refraining from any exposure. It’s not like anyone died, and you didn't commit a crime. You just made a mistake and showed a video of a car exploding on YouTube."
Hmm... I’m not interested in celebrities, so I don't know much about that.
"So, Director, if you happen to meet someone who apologizes to you from now on, or if you encounter someone who says they only now understand your true feelings,"
"...Uh-huh."
"Just say you're fine. That you're fine. That you can overcome everything. Just like that."
I told her that wasn't difficult, but Eunbyul had a slightly different thought.
"No. Really, sincerely say you're fine, that it’s nothing. Do that. And you should also say that you’re glad because it seems like you’re growing through it. Mix it in appropriately."
"..."
"The reason this is important is that you can skyrocket because of this, Director. For example, you could restart GPL, or be recognized by the Chairman who is always yelling at you. And... you said your in-laws looked at you very unfavorably, too. ...As for Jia’s family, do as you please. You don't have to do that there. Anyway, there’s a lot to gain."
So, I said to my father.
"...I’m fine."
"That I only know that now, that I am so incompetent..."
"No. Father, I am fine. I am truly good."
My father, only then, looked at me.